Fated Existence

Chapter 3 - Perfect

I try not to think about the pain I feel inside

And did you know you used to be my hero

The memory was a bitter one; one she'd relived in her nightmares for weeks. She'd sunk into such a deep melancholy that her mother had threatened to put her on anti-depressants. Little by little she'd been able to finally relate the story to her mother. In return her mother had helped her begin to heal her wounded heart. She never suggested that Kagome wasn't good enough or that she was lacking in anything; instead she'd discretely left a dojo flyer on the dresser where she'd hidden the shards. In her own way, she was telling Kagome that there were options open that could benefit her in more than just the obvious.

And it had; the dojo was more than just a place to learn self-defense. There she had encountered another miko, already fully trained, who offered to help her learn the extent of her own abilities. With Hitomi's guidance, she put another piece of her heart back in place. It had helped to have the older miko as a sparring partner as well. Hitomi had shown her how she could use her powers while in combat in both offensive and defensive techniques. More than half she knew she'd never even attempt without at least another two years of training, but it helped to at least see the possibilities. It prepared her for possible attacks in that form and also gave her incentive to create her own techniques; each miko was different.

And now I try hard to make it

I just want to make you proud

I'm never gonna be good enough for you

Can't stand another fight

And nothing's alright

She followed her friends down into the village, lost in her own thoughts. She may have grown stronger in mind and body, but her heart was still playing catch up. The ache had lessened while she was away, but returned with a vengeance when she saw him again. Hitomi had once asked her why she grieved for the loss of a love that did not, to her knowledge, love her in return. She had been unable to answer the question. He may not love her, but he cared enough about her to keep her alive and safe. Even if he did love her, she knew she would never hear the words; his life was forfeit to her incarnation. So perhaps she grieved for his inability to show his feelings and wasn't it better to love in silence than to love aloud and deepen the pain when he did leave? She paused and looked to the trees; half wishing he would show himself. She could no more deny her love for him than the trees could reach the stars. It was the acceptance of that fact that allowed her to move forward with her choices.

She had another task to complete now. One she couldn't tell anyone about, especially Inuyasha. The decision wasn't his to make and she couldn't allow him to interfere. If he did, she might lose her courage and give in to her own selfish wish. She just needed to keep telling herself that this was for him; it was what he wanted, right? He'd nearly said it aloud a few times and why else, other than to goad her into anger, would he do it? She brushed her hand against the pocket that held the shards and continued into the village. You get two wishes fulfilled, Inuyasha.

Cuz we lost it all

Nothing last forever

I'm sorry I can't be perfect

Now it's just too late

And we can't go back

I'm sorry I can't be perfect.

He sat quietly on Kaede's roof, listening to the conversation within. He wasn't sure if she knew he was there, but he knew the kit was aware. He'd tried to talk to her, but the moment he'd attempted to reach for her, something stopped him. It had been her eyes; the warmth in them had been extinguished as though someone had killed the light in them; an eerie reminder of Kikyo. He hadn't thought of the undead miko for a long time; six months in fact. His thoughts had been filled with her, Kagome. But when confronted with the flesh, he'd balked at the change, unwilling and unable to accept it. So now he eavesdropped in hopes of learning what had happened.

Kagome looked up to the ceiling yet again as she nibbled lightly on her supper. Some habits never died. She mumbled a reply to Shippou about his latest drawing before allowing her attention to be captured by Kaede.

"This is a most drastic change in ye, Kagome-sama. Your aura is much stronger and you carry another weapon."

If Kaede had been expecting an answer to the unvoiced question, Kagome wasn't going to oblige her; it wouldn't be that easy to get answers. Instead she simply nodded and rose to her feet. Grabbing her pack, she pointed to the roof.

"He'll want to start looking for shards in the morning. Rest while you can."

The group stared after her as she disappeared into the adjoining room.

Shippou, while glad to have his Okaa back, needed to have a talk with his Otou before bed. Slipping out of the hut while the others whispered about Kagome's new attitude, he lightly sniffed and smiled; still on the roof. A couple of hops got him up there as well and he tottered briefly to Inuyasha. Since that night 4 months ago, they'd built up a cautious friendship; little by little he worked himself into Inuyasha's good graces. Shippou took care to never deliberately pick on the Inu-hanyou unless he felt it was called for. This wasn't often when Kagome wasn't around. While he knew he'd never be treated as one of the hanyou's own pups, he gave Inuyasha the same respect he would have given his own father. While he had figuratively glued himself to Inuyasha's side, he had taken care not to get underfoot and even brought food when the stubborn hanyou refused to bend and eat in the village.

When he'd been caught trying to learn some fighting techniques used by the group members, Inuyasha had silently shown him techniques more suited to someone of his size and age. Shippou knew it had not been done out of love or affection, but more like out of a grudging acceptance and a care to see him survive into adulthood. In return for such help, Shippou had taken it upon himself to reunite the rest of the group. He hadn't been able to solve the problem with Kagome, but he managed to finally get Miroku and Sango to forgive Inuyasha. The kitsune agreed that while the hanyou could be really stupid and say mean things, he was certain Inuyasha hadn't really meant them.

"You feel it too." He stated rather than questioned. If he'd felt it then it was certain the older hanyou had as well. "She wouldn't hurt us would she?"

"You? Never." He snorted in reply. He refused to voice the quiet fear that he wasn't so sure he'd be spared.

The answer didn't calm the kitsune as well as he'd hoped. Instead he too was left to wonder if he would lose another father before the year was out.

"I've got the feeling she knows how to use it."

"Both. And effectively, I think," referring to his earlier conversation about her new miko abilities.

"That's what worries me. Too strong, too quick. What would possess her to develop such skills?"

The only answer was two sets of eyes cast up to the ceiling.

Shippou crawled under the shirt fabric, only to find himself pulled out and settled beneath the blankets. Puzzled, he lay still, waiting to see if he'd be pushed further away. When none came, he slowly cuddled up as close as he could, relieved when he was enfolded in the familiar warmth.

"Okaa-san?" he whispered.

"Hmm?"

"What happened?"

A sigh stirred his hair and he waited for her answer. "I grew up, Shippou."

"You're already grown up."

She chuckled. "In body, yes. But I was still a child in my mind." And heart, she added silently. "I finally opened my eyes and I needed time away to adjust." And, she thought, to accept the truth.

Shippou wasn't quite sure what she meant. "You smell the same, but you feel different. It…it scares me a little. Will you… you…." He couldn't say it.

Her arms tightened around the kit protectively, instinctively knowing what he was asking. He could feel the changes in her powers and it reminded him of her incarnation. He worried that she might have decided to 'cleanse' the youkai.

"Never!" she whispered vehemently. "I'm not like her!"

"I know, Okaa-san." He reached up and gently patted her cheek. "She'd never be a mother to me and you smell nicer."

As if that solved everything, Shippou yawned and allowed sleep to finally claim him. She, however, was a bundle of raw nerves. If only HE could see the differences between them as plainly as Shippou did. She lay quietly on the futon, listening to the others bed down, too wired to sleep just yet. Many nights like this in the past few months she'd lie awake, wondering how much heartache she might have been spared if she'd been honest with herself sooner. However, it had done no good to dwell upon the past because not only could she not have changed it; it had drug up old hurts as well. She'd taken such measures to ensure she would not fall apart anymore; at least not with witnesses. Tomorrow would be a test of her newfound control.

Inuyasha awoke to the almost foreign scent of ramen and the sight of her heading back to the village. He looked down and found the familiar cup sitting at the base of the tree. He alighted on the ground, puzzled as he watched her retreating form. She returned, spurned him and now she brought him ramen? Not one to overlook ramen, he sat down and pondered the situation as he ate. She hadn't even bothered to argue with him about eating, or wake him even. Actually, her being awake before him was… unnerving. He always had to wake her, wait for her to bathe, and listen to her grumble about it being too early to get up.

He rose to his feet once he finished, knowing any answers lay elsewhere, and he headed for the village; perhaps she might talk to him now. Before he was halfway there, Sango and Miroku were racing towards him. Six months ago the two wanted nothing to do with the hanyou. Thanks mostly to Shippou and a rare apology from said hanyou, they'd begun to heal their friendship. He briefly thought that Kagome was hurt or in danger; but Miroku wouldn't be looking like he'd won a trip to an all female village without Sango.

"I don't know about this, Miroku," Sango muttered as they got within arms length of the hanyou. Inuyasha could tell she was uneasy with whatever they were coming to tell him.

"If you ever doubted how she really felt…" He addressed the hanyou with a chuckle. "You've got to come watch this!"

Shaking himself out of the brief moment of confusion, Inuyasha took a sniff and snarled instantly. Damn stinking wolf!

A/N:

The lyrics are from Simple Plan's "Perfect" and inspired the opening piece of this chapter. And yes, the lyrics are not in order on purpose. has once again screwed with even my most basic formatting. Let me know it this chapter was hard to read.

Major Props go out to my beta, Midoriko-sama, for putting up with all my questions and revisions. Please – Thanks! I try to update once a week right now due to a hectic work schedule. Inuyasha is property of Rumiko Takahashi.

All other characters are mine unless otherwise mentioned.