Fated Existence

Chapter 8 - Insight

A week after they'd left Kaede's, the group found themselves on the edge of where they'd previously stopped searching in the past. The journey had been relatively uneventful; only one youkai had dared to attack the group and was so weak that Kirara had had the honors of dispatching it alone. While still on edge with the new changes, they'd managed to settle comfortably enough into a new routine. Kagome woke with the dawn and prepared breakfast, waking the others once it was finished. Miroku and Shippou would usually douse the fire and cover the ashes of the fire pit. Sango would wash the dishes under Kirara's protection at the stream while Kagome packed up the supplies. It wasn't much different from before. Inuyasha, however, was another matter. He'd taken to sleeping against the base of a tree instead of in it, and either no one noticed or no one dared to mention that he slept as close to Kagome as possible.

Two days ago, when passing a hot spring, Inuyasha had uncharacteristically offered to stop early so Kagome could take her usual bath. Kagome, just as uncharacteristically, declined and stated they needed to keep moving. With an odd look of concern on his face, Inuyasha had approached her and put his hand to her forehead, the first physical contact they'd had in days, asking if she was feeling all right. The situation had been such a blatant role reversal that Sango and Miroku had doubled over in laughter. Even Inuyasha and Kagome had given faint smiles when the two had calmed enough to explain why they were laughing. While the tension still remained, that little bit of laughter had lessened it from what it had been.

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Inuyasha quietly contemplated the last week as he watched Kagome prepare dinner with Sango. Kagome had yet to say the words, but while he felt that he was possibly forgiven, it wouldn't sit right until she talked to him. Sure she acknowledged his presence, even asked him about mundane things like food and where to sleep for the night, but she didn't "talk" to him. He would have thought by now she would. He didn't count the talk about Kikyou four nights ago. He wanted to talk about her, about Kagome. What had she done while she was gone? Did she still have trouble with school? How was her family? Had she missed them… had she missed him?

He swallowed a groan as the wind blew her scent to him. He still couldn't figure out why she smelled that way. She was all Kagome, but she smelled of him as well. A dip in the stream the other night hadn't faded the scent at all like it normally would have. Reluctantly, he stood as she waved to tell him that dinner was ready, willing his body to cooperate and let him eat in peace tonight. Tonight he and Shippou had caught fish for the group, taking care to catch a couple extra for Kirara as a 'reward' for single handedly killing that youkai. The ramen, Kagome had declared, was not to be a daily meal since she wouldn't be able to rush home for more when it ran out. They would be traveling farther than before from the well and getting ramen was the least of their worries.

On one hand he agreed, on the other he really wanted that ramen. But, for her sake, he hadn't argued and didn't request it constantly. She'd caved in and given him some last night though, when he'd quietly asked for it. In return, he'd deliberately set a slower pace than usual, so they would reach a hot spring at nightfall instead of passing it by like the one before. He was pretty sure she had realized that he'd done it on purpose, because she'd actually smiled at him when he declared they would be camping here tonight. She'd smiled! That alone had been worth the slow pace. Now if he could just get her to talk to him…

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"Miroku, can I speak with you in private, please?"

Miroku looked up from polishing his staff beside Sango with a quizzical look. When Kagome didn't appear willing to share what the topic would be about, he nodded and set aside his staff before rising to his feet. As he followed Kagome away from the camp, he could only shrug in response to the questioning glances of Sango and Inuyasha. Kagome wove her way down the narrow path to the hot spring and came to a halt. Feeling that this talk would be something deeper than usual, he opted to sit on one of the larger rocks lining the spring's bank.

"Why did this soul wait so long to return?"

That had definitely not been what he'd expected. His shock and confusion must have shown on his face, however, because she sighed and began pacing as she spoke as though the action helped her think.

"500 years, Miroku. Why didn't she come back sooner?"

She spoke of the assumption that Kikyou and Inuyasha were meant to be together. Why indeed. If they had been destined to be together, which he doubted, then would not the soul have returned sooner? She could have been reborn the instant of death for all he knew, and yet it was a reincarnation from 500 years in the future that returned to free Inuyasha.

"Perhaps," he paused, trying to best phrase it. "Perhaps… there were others before you, but you were the only incarnation that could free him."

His suggestion was met with a quick shake of her head. "I'm the only incarnation since her." She held up a hand to forestall the question on his lips, answering it before he could voice it. "I had a… miko… in my time read my soul… sort of. There haven't been any others."

That was interesting news. He'd heard of the ability to read into one's past lives, but had yet to encounter anyone who could do such a thing. It took a degree of meditation that he had yet to obtain. But, if indeed there were no other lives that brought them back to the same unanswered question. Why? He absently watched her pace as he quietly tried to reason it out before voicing anything.

"It is said," he began slowly, feeling out the words, "that our souls are reincarnated when we have learned from the mistakes of the previous life." He rubbed the back of his neck, trying not to offend her with his explanation. "It might be that it took all those years for yours to learn so that you would be more accepting when you came back to this time." She finally stopped pacing and pegged him with a look that demanded he explain what he meant.

"Not once since I've known you have you expected, or wanted, Inuyasha to be anything less than what he is. You have a very caring heart and put the needs of everyone else ahead of your own regardless of what you receive in return for that kindness." It was the closest he dared to compare her with Kikyou without mentioning specifics. And it was his own way at hinting that he knew what Inuyasha's running off to Kikyou did to her.

"I think it took this long for your soul to evolve beyond the biased, bitter, self-pitying of your former life."

He refrained from mentioning that he thought that was the piece of soul that allowed Kikyou to be resurrected. Not because he thought Kagome was like that, quite the opposite; because he figured the soul, no matter how evolved, would always retain the 'memories' of its former life. And it was that particular 'memory' that gave 'life' to Kikyou and sustained her, along with souls of course. But it was the woman who stood before him now that would bring their hanyou friend the greatest happiness. From all that he'd heard from Kaede, Miroku knew Kikyou would not have been happy unless Inuyasha had been human. Kikyou's wish to have Inuyasha use the Shikon to become human had been, in his opinion, her own selfish desire to get rid of her duty as the Shikon's guardian. If it had been so easily gotten rid of, surely the jewel would have been used before Kikyou had even been born. Not to mention nobody forced her to be the guardian. His train of thought came to a halt as Kagome started speaking again.

"If that is so, then there must have been much for this soul to learn. The death, while untimely and unfair, was necessary." She sounded as though she were trying to justify something to herself and failing. The silence that followed was somber.

"Regardless of the circumstances, Kagome," he said in an effort to cheer her up. "I, for one, am happy you are here. I'm certain the others feel the same."

The small, sad smile she gave him gave him eerie chills as she spoke. "You're my friends, Miroku, and I would do anything to make all of you happy."

The conversation was effectively over when she followed that statement with a request that he send Sango down with her pack so she could bathe.

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Inuyasha eyed the monk from the corner of his eye as Sango headed down to the hot spring to join Kagome. Talking with Kagome always left Miroku with a look of either confusion or deep thought. This time… this time the monk looked like he'd heard something very unexpected and didn't like it. Inuyasha usually didn't bother trying to find out what they'd spoken about because he'd usually end up hearing about it anyway. Before things had gotten bad with Kagome, he would have left it alone and waited; now he wanted to know immediately. But he couldn't just come right out and ask; that would be blatantly poking his nose into a conversation meant to be for the monk's ears only, since she wouldn't have requested to speak in private.

Kami must have been smiling on him for once because the answer to his dilemma came in the form of a kitsune's natural curiosity.

"You look like you're sick, Miroku. Did Kagome say something bad to you?" Shippou looked across the fire with his usual curious expression, not realizing that what he was asking had a whole other meaning for the adults.

Inuyasha feigned indifference rather than show that he was eager to hear Miroku's explanation.

"No, Shippou, Kagome wasn't mean to me. She just asked me something that I don't think I was able to answer."

Inuyasha couldn't help the frown that crossed his features as he took in Miroku's words. Kagome seeking Miroku's advice always had something to do with his profession, unless Kaede was around. If Kagome had already questioned Kaede and gotten no answers… and now Miroku… this wasn't good. If it troubled her enough that her questions left Miroku looking like he did… Shit Kagome. What are you hiding?

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Once Miroku had gotten out of eyesight, Kagome had stripped down and slipped into the water, confident that Sango would bring her pack. It was the first opportunity since they'd headed out for the taijiya to speak with her alone. Up till now, Kagome had fended off the questions she knew Sango was dying to have answered by either changing the topic or ignoring the obvious. She knew she couldn't evade Sango much longer, and to do so would jeopardize their friendship. She didn't want any of them to think ill of her when… she squashed the thought before it was completed. The water was wonderful, and while her talk with Miroku hadn't really helped a lot, she refused to allow her thoughts to travel that path tonight. Tonight she would enjoy the luxury of the hot spring; tomorrow she could deal with the rest.

"Kagome?"

"Over here," she said as she waved to Sango from the farther side of the spring with a smile, before submersing herself to her neck in the water.

With a quick glance around, Sango shed her clothing and ducked into the water. Kagome had to mentally shake her head at her friend's obvious concern of a certain perverted houshi sneaking a peek. Secretly Kagome figured that while Sango may like the affections of the houshi, just not the manner in which he showed those affections. Maybe she could help Sango with that.

"We've been moving quickly. How are you holding up?" Before she could give her usual response Sango held up her hand and shook her head. "And no, you're not 'fine', Kagome. You get the least amount of sleep, besides Inuyasha, and push just as hard, if not harder, than the rest of us. I can see the strain even if the others can't. What's really bothering you?"

That strain had been part of why she was indulging herself with the plan to soak for a long while in the spring. If she didn't start easing the tension, physically and emotionally, she was certain she'd have bags under her eyes within a few more days. While she longed to be able to confide in Sango like she always had, this time she couldn't. The things she knew and had to do… those were her burden to bear. She wouldn't bring the others into it even if she could. It was not fair to them since it would only cause them heartache and grief if they knew. They couldn't have helped her anyway.

"I… I don't really want to talk about it, Sango." She sighed at the crestfallen look on Sango's face. "It's nothing against you. I'm just… not ready to talk."

"He wants to talk to you."

The sudden change of topics caught her off-guard. She knew instantly of whom Sango spoke, but shook her head in reply.

"He's had plenty of chances to speak to me."

It was Sango's turn to shake her head. "He wants to apologize like he did with us, but… this is personal to him. I think he's afraid you'll reject him if he tries and he wouldn't want anyone to see that. He's not sure how to act around this new you."

Much as it pained her to agree, Kagome knew Sango was right. For Inuyasha to admit he was in the wrong was something very personal indeed. And while he'd never really come out and said he was sorry, his attempts - and the actions that went with them - did. She didn't really have an answer for Sango though, and settled for staring off into the forest with a thoughtful expression.

That's just it, she thought. I'm afraid of what I might do if I let him get close again.

Kagome was glad that Sango allowed the topic to drop and moved on to their 'usual' gossip of sorts. She steered clear of giving out anything that might cause alarm or more questions. She did, however, alleviate Sango's concerns about her new weapon. Kagome knew that Sango, like Inuyasha, preferred to be her protector, keeping her as far from harm as possible. Thankfully Sango also understood her wanting to learn to at least defend herself, should she get attacked when the others weren't close by. Kagome also gave a brief explanation of her miko training under Hitomi. While Sango might not understand it completely, she would be able to inform Miroku who, Kagome knew, wanted to know the details. After catching up on the past six months, she watched Sango leave the spring, giving her time to be alone.

Her conversation with Miroku had not gone as she'd hoped. His answers, while insightful, had done little to ease the doubt of her decision. She wanted Inuyasha happy, and yet, if she truly thought about it, he never returned from Kikyou with a smile. Then again, how was one to keep a smile on their face when their loved one was a walking corpse? She winced at the sudden pain stabbing over her heart and laid her hand over her chest as if the action might ease the ache.

If she is not stopped she will succeed.

Raising from the water just enough to bare her upper chest, Kagome removed her hand to assess the small hole in her chest. A hole identical to the one she'd healed in Kikyou. The miasma would have continued to eat away at Kikyou unless something stronger than her clay form had replaced the emptiness. And so she'd given up another piece of herself because Kikyou's death, again, would have left Inuyasha devastated. She'd seen him suffer before they'd found her again; watched the near madness creep into his eyes whenever he'd heard a rumor that she was still 'alive'. But she'd also seen the indecision in whether to investigate the rumors or remain with the group. He'd almost looked sorry whenever she made the choice for him and told him to go.

The hole was slightly larger than a half-dollar; a black emptiness over her heart that mocked her. A physical sign of what she was emotionally incapable of. It never bled and like two sides of a coin, she was alternately glad it didn't, but wished it would. She was still uncertain of how Inuyasha and Shippou failed to notice anything, but then again, if a wound doesn't bleed how does one know it even exists? She'd been too afraid to ask Hiraku about it; afraid the miko would ask questions that Kagome couldn't answer. It was the other woman who had told Kagome why the hole existed.

It is a physical manifestation of a wound upon your soul.

Kikyou had no real body to speak of, so the miasma had attacked the one thing that held Kikyou together, her soul. Or rather the piece of soul that failed to return to Kagome. And now Kagome was keeping another secret from her friends. She bit back a cry as another flash of pain struck her. She couldn't finish things yet. She needed to know all of the consequences; especially for him. She didn't want her choice to be made in vain. She wanted to do this for him; to change his fate. But was Hell even his fate? Yes, he'd told Kikyou he would die for her, protect her until Naraku was finished, but did Kikyou hold his fate in her hands?

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Inuyasha perched silently in a tree as close as he dared to the spring, currently trying not to let his anger get the best of him. Sure, he'd be sat into oblivion if she spotted him, but the risk was worth it after seeing Miroku's face and hearing Sango relate a little of what Kagome had been doing for six months. Yet, neither of these things was the cause of his anger. No, it was that damned hole in her chest. How had she gotten it? What was it doing there? And he got the feeling it wasn't all she was hiding. He'd seen something similar a couple years ago… but if this was the price Kagome was paying it wasn't worth it. Not to him, anyway. He was going to get to the bottom of this soon, before he ended up possibly losing Kagome too.

A/N:

GOMEN! I seriously was not ignoring this fic!

My wonderful beta, Midoriko-sama, has been caught up with college finals the last few weeks and that takes precedence over my fics.

While it took awhile to send this chapter back to me, it was well worth the wait. She points out so many things that I often overlook.

And just when I was going to load this, I went into labor! I have a new baby boy!

Info and a pic will be up on my DA account.

http / ladykiseki . deviantart . com

Reviewers

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SangoHiwatari (I think its more that fans dislike the way Kikyou acts/is portrayed, rather than the person herself, IMO)

Standard Disclaimer: Inuyasha is property of Rumiko Takahashi.

All other characters are mine unless otherwise mentioned.