This chapter is longer than the rest for the simple reason that--
Riku: She wanted to write me in drag
Precisely
Riku: WHAT? I was just kidding!
Sorry, luv, that's the truth. Axel, Riku, if you please?
Axel and Riku: Robin owns nothing but herself.
Merci.

(The stage is done to resemble the inside of a car. It's raining, and the winshield wipers are going. A motorcycle goes past)

Naminé: Gosh, that's the third motorcycle that's past us

Riku: Kairi, your nobody can't count. That's only the first!

Kairi: Shut the fuck up, shithead

Robin: Whoa! Where did she learn to swear!

Axel: (Looks away, whistling innocently.)

Naminé: (glaring) Can we get ON with it? They sure do take their lives in their hands, what with the weather and all.
Roxas: Yes Janet, life's pretty cheap for that type

Sora: Yep, only two dollars a trick!

Everyone: (stares at Sora)

Riku: Where did you pick THAT up?

Axel: (Looks away, whistling innocently.)

Roxas (looks frustrated)

Naminé: What's the matter Brad darling?

Roxas: Hmmm, we must've taken a wrong fork a few miles back.

Robin: Go Fork Yourself!

Naminé: But then where did that motorcyclist come from?

Riku and Robin: (hum the Twilight Zone theme)

(There is a loud bang, and the 'car' jolts)

Naminé: What was that?

Roxas: We must have a blowout, damn it! I knew I should have gotten that spare tire fixed.

RPIA: ASSHOLE!

Roxas: Well, you just stay here and keep warm and I'll go for help.

Naminé: Where will you go? We're in the middle of nowhere.

Roxas: Didn't we pass a castle back down the road a few miles? Maybe they have a telephone I could use.

Naminé: I'm going with you. Wait….why do I have to go with him?

Robin: Because I'll hurt you if you don't.

Naminé: Fair enough…

Roxas: Oh darling, there's no sense in both of us getting wet. GOD that sounded dirty.

Riku: Yes it did…

Naminé: I'm coming with you! Besides darling, the owner of that phone might be a beautiful woman—

Robin: SHE IS! (Smirking at Riku)

Riku: Grrr… I'll get you for that.

Naminé: --and you might never come back again.

(They get out and walk off. Robin snaps her fingers, and the scen changes to the outside of a castle. Naminé is covering her head with a newspaper.

Cloud: God, they're too cheap to even buy an umbrella! Even I'M not that cheap!

Naminé: In the velvet darkness... ...of the blackest night... ...burning bright... ...there's a guiding star.

Riku: IT WAS A PLANET, DUMBASS!.

Naminé: No matter what

Robin: WHEN, WHERE, WHY, AND HOW.

Naminé: or, who you are.

Sora: WHAT'S IN YOUR REFRIGERATOR? Besides mold…

Naminé and Roxas: There's a light, over at the

Leon: EPCOT CENTER! (Music stops, everyone stares. Crickets chirp.) What, I can't crack jokes too? (Music resumes.)

Naminé and Roxas: Frankenstein place. There's a light, burning in the fireplace. There's a light, a light, in the darkness of everybody's life.

ONE! TWO! THREE!

(Demyx enters stage right)

Demyx: Why must I be the creepy butler? (sigh) Darkness must go down the river of night's dreaming. Flow morphia slow, let the sun and light come streaming into my life. Into my life... Wow, no one interupted me!

Naminé and Roxas: There's a light, over at the Frankenstein place. There's a light, burning in the fireplace. There's a light, a light, in the darkness of everybody's life.

(Back to the Criminologist)

Random fangirls, including Robin: YAY! Sexy Zexy!

Zexion: (Smirking) And so it seemed that fortune had smiled on Brad and Janet, and that they had found the assistance that their plight required.

Yuffie: Or had they…?

Zexion: Or had they?

Yuffie: I asked you first!

Zexion: (rolls his eyes as he leaves the stage)

(Back to the mansion)

Robin: Why does Janet have a condom in her hair? (Everyone looks)

Riku: It DOES look like a condom!

Naminé: SHUT UP! Oh Brad, let's go back! I'm cold and I'm frightened.

Roxas: Just a moment Janet. They may have a phone. Somehow that seems extraordinarly unlikely…

(Demyx opens the door)

Axel: Now, Riff, be polite and say hello to your guests!

Demyx: (Glares at Axel) Hello.

Axel: Good boy!

Demyx: (Breaks character, summoning his sitar and playing a song to drench Axel)

Robin: (Snaps fingers, drying Axel off)

Axel: (chases Demyx around the theatre)

Everyone execpt Axel and Demyx: (Laughing their asses off).

(20 minutes later, back in the show…)

Roxas: Hi! My name's Brad Majors,

Robin: ASSHOLE!

Roxas: and this is my fianceé Janet Weiss.

Riku: SLUT!

Roxas: I wonder if you might help us, you see, our car broke down a few miles up the road. Do you have a phone we might use?

Demyx: You're wet...

Axel: NO SHIT SHERLOCK!

Demyx: SHUT THE FUCK UP AXEL!

Robin: (laughing her ass off)

Naminé: Yes, it's raining…

Riku: NO SHIT SHIRLEY

Demyx: Do I really have to let them in?

Robin: Yes, otherwise there's no plot.

Demyx: (Sigh) I think perhaps you better both come inside.

(Scene changes to a parlor. The right half of the stage is dark, with strange noises coming from it.)

Naminé: Oh, Brad, I'm frightened! God, why do I have to play the pussy? What kind of a place IS this?

Roxas: Probably a hunting lodge for rich weirdos.

Naminé: (hearing the noises) Oh, are you having a party?

Demyx: You've arrived on a rather special night. It's one of the master's affairs.

Naminé: Oh…lucky him

Kairi: (sliding down a staircase banister) You're lucky, he's lucky, I'm lucky, we're all lucky!

Sora: (goggling at Kairi in a French Maid's outfit) The banister's DAMN lucky.!

Riku: (smacks Sora upside the head)

(A gong starts offscreen. Everyone gets in position and looks excited)

Demyx: It's astounding, time is fleeting. Madness, takes it's toll, but listen closely--

Kairi: Not for very much longer!

Demyx: I've got to keep control. I remember, doing the Time Warp! Drinking... ...those moment's when, the blackness would hit me, and the voice would be calling—

(Demyx and Kairi fling open the door to the right half of the stage, revealing all the extras and Robin sitting around—not to mention the main characters who weren't in this scene, whose clothes had been temporarily changed by Robin)

ALL: LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!

Zexion: Where the hell did the Criminologist come from? It's just a jump to the left

ALL: AND THEN A STEP TO THE RI-I-I-IGHT!

Zexion: Put your hands on your hips Or somebody elses!

ALL: AND BRING YOUR KNEES IN TIGHT! BUT IT'S THE PELVIC THRUST THAT REALLY DRIVES YOU INSA-A-ANE! LETS DO THE TIME WARP AGAAAIINNN!

Kairi: It's so dreamy. Oh, fantasy free me! So you can't see me

Riku: DO YOU DOUCHE?

Kairi: No, not at all.

Sora: WHERE DO YOU GET YOUR HAIR DONE?

Kairi: In another dimension, with voyeuristic intentions.

Riku: WHERE ARE YOUR BREASTS?

Kairi: Well secluded,

Robin (Flipping Kairi off)CAN YOU SEE THIS?

Kairi: I see all.

Robin:OH SHIT!

Demyx: With a bit of a mind flip,

Kairi: You're into the TIME SLIP!

Demyx: And nothing can ever be the same

Kairi: You're spaced out on sensation

Robin: Describe the audience!

Everyone Else: What audience?

Demyx: Like you're under sedation

ALL: LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN! LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!

Robin: FINALLY, MY PART! Well I was walking down the street, just a-having a think, when a snake of a guy gave me an evil wink.

Riku: I resemble that remark…

Robin: He shook-a me up, he took me by surprise, he had a pickup truck and the devil's eyes. He stared at me and I felt a change, time meant nothing, never would again.

ALL: LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN! LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!

Zexion: (standing on desk) It's just a jump to the left

Everyone else: Why the FUCK are you standing on your desk? Nevermind, we don't wanna know.

ALL: AND THEN A STEP TO THE RI-I-I-IGHT!

Zexion: Put your hands on your hips

ALL: AND BRING YOUR KNEES IN TIGHT! BUT IT'S THE PELVIC THRUST THAT REALLY DRIVES YOU INSA-A-ANE! LETS DO THE TIME WARP AGAAAIINNN!

Robin: (Does a really awful tapdancing routine that results on her falling on her ass. Everyone else laughs)

ALL: LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN! LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!

Zexion: (still standing on desk) It's just a jump to the left

ALL: AND THEN A STEP TO THE RI-I-I-IGHT!

Zexion: Put your hands on your hips

ALL: AND BRING YOUR KNEES IN TIGHT! BUT IT'S THE PELVIC THRUST THAT REALLY DRIVES YOU INSA-A-ANE! LETS DO THE TIME WARP AGAAAIINNN!

(everyone falls down)

Naminé: Brad, please…let's get out of here!

Robin: Roxas, tell Namine how to get off!

Roxas: (glaring at Robin) Keep a grip on yourself, Janet!

Naminé: But it seems so unhealthy here.

Roxas: It's just a party Janet.

Naminé: Well I want to go!

Roxas: Well we can't go anywhere till I get to a phone.

Naminé: Well then ask the butler or someone.

Roxas: Just a moment Janet, we don't want to interfere with their celebration.

Naminé: This isn't the Hollow Bastion Restoration Committie, Brad!

Robin: (sniggers at change of words)

Roxas: They're probably foreigners with ways different than our own. They may do some more...Folk Dancing.

Naminé: Look, I'm cold, I'm wet, and I'm just plain scared!

Roxas: I'm here, there's nothing to worry about.

Naminé: (She sees Riku and screams)

Riku: (wearing a cape that covers all but his makeup-covered face. He COMPLETELY hams it up, openly flirting with Robin to tease her) How do you do, I see you've met my faithful--

Sora: HAND JOB MAN.

Demyx: (glares)

Riku: --handyman. He's just a little brought down, because when you knocked, he thought you were the Candy Man. Don't get strung out

Roxas:ON COCAINE!

Riku: by the way I look,

Roxas: SAME THING.

Riku: don't judge a book by it's cover. I'm not much of a man by the light of day, but by night I'm one

Robin: (staring at Riku's sexy self) SICK MOTHERFUCKER.

Riku: hell of a lover. (Riku throws off the cloak, revealing an extremely sexy corset)

Riku Fangirls everywhere, including Robin: (Fall off their seats and drool)

Riku: I'm just a sweet Transvestite, from Transsexual, Transylvania. Let me show you around, maybe play you a sound. You look like you're both pretty groovy. Or if you want something visual, that's not too abysmal, we could take in an old KEANU REEVES movie.

Robin: ooh, like Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure?

Riku: ooh, you like that movie too? Cool!

Roxas: I'm glad we caught you at home. Could we use your phone? We're both in a bit of a hurry. We'll just say where we are, then go

Robin: FUCK IN THE CAR

Roxas: back to the car. We don't want to be any worry.

Riku: Well you got caught with a flat, well...how 'bout that? Well babies, don't you panic. By the light of the night, it'll all seem all right. I'll get you a Satanic Mechanic!

(Riku and Robin walk to the chair at the far end of the stage, turning back and doing hip thrusts, Riku smirking at Robin, who's about to fucking melt).

Riku: . I'm just a sweet Transvestite, from Transsexual, Transylvania. (He sits down, with Robin, Kairi, and Demyx around him). Why don't you stay for the night?

Demyx: Night So now I'm a parrot?

Riku: Or maybe a bite.

Robin: (Can't say her line as she's drooling over Riku's chisled leg in fishnets).

Riku:I could show you my favorite obsession.

Sora: SEX!

Riku: I've been making a man.

Sora: WHAT'S HE LOOK LIKE?

Riku: With blonde hair and a tan.

Sora:WHAT'S HE GOOD FOR?

Riku: And he's good for relieving my

Sora: HARD ON!

Riku: tension.

Sora: SAME THING.

Riku: I'm just a Sweet Transvestie from Transexual, Transylvania.

Robin: (Checks Riku's hottness out).

Sora: Woo, Robin's checking out Riku!

Robin: SHUT UP! It's part of the character!

Riku: Don't tell me you don't like it!

Robin: SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Riku: HIT IT, HIT IT! I'm just a Sweet Transvestie

Robin, Kairi, and Demyx: Sweet Transvestite

Riku: from Transexual, Transylvania! So, come up to the lab and see what's on the slab. I see you shiver with antici...

Robin: (hanging on his every word)

Riku: (smirking) …pation. But maybe the rain, is really to blame, so I'll remove the cause...but not the symptom!

Robin: Ok, everyone take a 20 minute break so I can go take a VERRRYYY cold shower.