"The Pig that Spewed"
There was chocolate everywhere, dripping from the ceiling, oozing from the torch cressets. Every surface was coated with a milk chocolate shell. It looked like a chocolatier's shop had exploded. Students' cauldrons were overflowing and adding to the brown lake, which covered every inch of the gray stone floor.
In the middle of the room a roaring geyser was issuing forth from the snout of a Dark chocolate winged pig. It spewed forth-liquid milk chocolate, drenching students and teacher in a warm brown sludge.
"FINATUIS CHOCOLATUS VESUVIOUSO!" cried Professor Snape with a grand flourish of his wand (which appeared to be the only item in the entire dungeon classroom untouched by velvety brown goo). Suddenly the onslaught of chocolate ceased.
"SEVERUS! SEVERUS!" "PROFESSOR SNAPE!" "IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT IN THERE?" "WE HEARD SCREAMS!"
And with that the dungeon door was wrenched open with great difficulty, releasing the river of chocolate seeking to escape the room's confinement, brown torrents rushing down the corridor and splashing the would be rescuers with tasty confection.
A tall figure with chocolate dripping from his hooked nose turned to the intruders. "I assure you Headmaster, Professor McGonagall, that everything is under control. Now, if you will excuse me for a moment. SCOURGIFY TOTALLUS!"
And suddenly the seven chocolate statues turned into people and the classroom was restored to its normal gloomy state (although it was said that the odor of chocolate lingered about for nearly a fortnight- much to Professor Snape's chagrin).
"Miss Venus Scamander! I want 1500 words due next class on the "Importance of Correct Pronunciation in Spell Work"!"
"Oh Professor Snape, I'm so, so sorry! Helios got me so flustered and distracted when he proposed to me right before I tested the Fountain!" said a pretty blonde witch.
"And Mr. Lovegood!" A balding stoop shoulder young wizard with protuberant eyes approached the blond witch and held her hand. "For next class I want 2000 words on "the Dangers of Distraction and Their Consequences in High Level Magical Applications". In lieu of your so-called good fortune and this Holiday, I will refrain from assigning Detention or removing points from Ravenclaw. Henceforth- Please keep your personal lives out of my classroom!"
"CLASS DISMISSED!"
"Thank you very much Minerva, I see that our first year teacher has handled this chocolate crisis with aplomb. I will see you later at the Valentine's Day Feast and Ball."
"Very well Albus. Severus, you have a spot of chocolate on the end of your nose! Good Day gentlemen." Professor McGonagall turned on her heel. And as she quickly strode off towards her office, her face broke into a big grin and she could be heard chuckling about the sight of the normally austere, proper, almost prissy, stiff-necked Severus Snape dripping chocolate from head to toe!
Albus Dumbledore advanced on the now quiet fountain, dipped an index finger in a catch basin and sampled the liqueur. "Not bad Severus, not bad at all. Honeydukes would be proud to serve this! Family recipe?"
"Yes, my father's Great Aunt ran a confectioner's shop in Birmingham. I suppose you want to hear the particulars of the events which led up to the eruption of Mt. Cacao Bean? "
"Yes Severus, that perhaps would be most enjoyable. I do congratulate you on keeping your temper, three months ago that would not have been the case."
"I'm learning Headmaster, I'm learning. Well, I was merely following your orders that all classes should contribute to this year's Valentine's Day Feast and Ball. So for the past few days the Potions Classes have been creating cavity causing consumables for the feast using techniques from their potions curriculum."
"First Years concentrated on LICORICE BULLWHACKER WHIPS. The classes discovered that burned anise smells just like burning tires. I daresay some of them learned to be more attentive to their cauldrons."
"Second year females created a drink they called- " LOVE POTION NUMBER NINE" Not to worry Albus, it is an innocuous blend of Pumpkin and Raspberry Juice with Chamomile Tea and Vitamin C. The name disgusted the boys so I allowed them to create their own beverage, 'TROLL SOCKS"-Butterbeer and pickle juice. Actually, it's not quite bad if you add vodka to it- please mention this to Hagrid."
"Third Years made COCKROACH CLUMPS-with newt eyeballs, WORM WIGGLES, and CREAMY CARAMEL CUPIDS- that shoot marshmallow arrows. One of the Fourth Year students is Bertie Bott's granddaughter Bessie. The family graciously loaned me the Bean recipe and each House created a new flavor. Hufflepuff created- SWEET POTATOE PIE, Gyrffindor- BLOOD PUDDING, Ravensclaw- CRÈME BRULEE, and Slytherin- FUNGUS. I did not think the world was quite ready for DOG POOP, HAGGIS, DRAGON DUNG, or SNAKE SPIT, so I vetoed these flavors."
"The Fifth Years did a commendable job with their SQUEALING PIGLETS and KNEAZLE KNUTTES. Sixth Years were able to utilize some nice spell work in their heart shaped GOBSTONE JELLY SQUIRTS- raspberry, strawberry, lemon, and quince. Their CINAMON HEART PASTILLES, which flash Valentine messages should be a big hit with the entire student body- everything from "BE MINE O' VALENTINE" to "EAT DUNG AND DIE YOU GOOFY UGLY STINKY GUY!"
"Everything was going fine until this afternoon with my Seventh Years. Mr. Zebediah Smith, Miss Odelia Proudfoot, and Miss Dora Underhill were putting the final touches on their animated MARZIPAN UNICORNS. Miss Madeline Marsh, Miss Venus Scamander, and Mr. Helios Lovegood were in the final stages of creating a CHOCOLATE FOUNTAIN, which Miss Scamander designed."
"As you can see, it is a beautiful work of edible art in dark chocolate. The main catch basin is studded with four carved phoenix headed gargoyles which send the liquid chocolate trickling into each of the individual House catch basins, which are upheld by carved dark chocolate mascots and shields. Self replenishing sugar spun cups hang along the rims of the four smaller basins, so students can dip, drink, and crunch their cups- no waste! In the center of the Main basin stands a giant rearing winged pig from whose snout and wingtips issues forth a cascade of milk chocolate."
"A brilliant design and well executed. Venus Scamander is an excellent pupil but a little flighty and easily distracted at times"
"Ah yes Severus, I've noticed that too. I'm afraid someday she may come to grief because of those traits."
"It was shortly after the UNICORNS were completed when disaster struck. While I was preoccupied dispatching the marzipan marvels to the kitchen, Mr. Lovegood decided it was a propitious time to ask Miss Scamander to marry him. I believe I overheard him say he found the ring in the third stomach of a dead Hornless Snickersnack, slain by his elder brother- odd boy, very odd. Unfortunately, this flustered and distracted Miss Scamander. When I asked her to test the fountain, she confused Vesselus with Vesuvius. Instead of a gently tinkling fountain, we had the re-creation of "The Destruction of Pompeii"!"
"The screams you heard were the rather startled students having visions of "Death by Chocolate". It took longer than I like to wipe the chocolate from my eyes and locate my wand in my drenched robe. The students discovered that chocolate-coated wands do not function properly. Should we mention this to Ollivander?"
"Excuse me Headmaster, I'd like to see if the fountain sustained any damage CACAOES BOVINUS VESSELUS PRIMPUMPA! Ah good, it didn't explode."
"Excellent Severus! Here, let me give you a hand sending it to the Great Hall. Will we see you at the festivities this evening? I look forward to sampling your students assignments."
"No Albus, I think not. Luckily, I am not needed for chaperone duty tonight. A nice quiet sugar-free evening alone would be enjoyable to me. I've never cared much for crowds. The companionship of a good book and some Shostakovich should make for a most pleasant evening. Thank you Headmaster"
"Enjoy Severus, to each his own, to each his own. Oh, and Severus?"
"Yes, Headmaster?"
"You still have chocolate on the end of your nose!"
Written by Julie Ann Summy February 2006