Evil-doers Anonymous

A very, very ridiculous story

courtesy of Flesheater777

Prologue

Sephiroth was sitting at Winnie-the-Pooh's thinking spot (whose name I cannot remember) contemplating his life's work. Pooh's dismembered body lay next to him, obviously his own doing. He had just killed Winnie-the-Pooh, every man's dream, and yet he felt empty inside! Imagine that! "What is this I am feeling? This new emotion confuses and infuriates me! (sobs) Why! Why did you not warn me of such things, Jenova! (sobs) Curse you, Jenova! (higher pitched now) I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" Suddenly, a figure wearing a black trenchcoat and a low-pulled black hat emerged from behind a nearby tree and handed the silver-haired pansy a business card of some sort. "Here. This place is helping me get less evil every day." Sephiroth looked more closely at this figure and said "Dr. Drakken? Is that you?" The blue person was already running girlishly in the distance. "Hmm. I'll go to this thing, if just for laughs..."

The meeting

After countless hours of trying to find the damn place without asking directions (Sephiroth didn't want to lose face in the eyes of the evil community) our villain finally found it. He stepped inside the drab gray building to find a circle of his fellow evil-doers and a guy with a nametag displaying the name Bobert waiting for him. "Salutations, friend! My name is Bobert. Have you come to give up your evil ways?" Sephiroth responded with, "Ummm... yeah. Who names their kid Bobert, anyway?" Bobert calmy replied with, "Justin Lacosse." Sephiroth considered that for a minute to find it made perfect sense. He sat down in one of the chairs in the circle and waited for something to happen. "Let us begin this meeting by introducing ourselves, and perhaps talking aboot why we're here shall we? We shall go clockwise from my left." Bobert, of course. At that moment, a bald man in a white, semi-futuristic outfit stood up. "Hello. I'm Dr. Evil." Everyone except Sephiroth said "Hi, Dr. Evil." in unison. Oh, brother, thought Sephiroth, they're like freakin' A.A. for nutcases. Dr. Evil began to speak again. "I have done some very evil things in my past. Attempted to take over the world 3 times, liquidated a group like this one-" What the? A very confused Sephiroth cut in with "Liquidated!"

"It means I had them turned into soup."

"Ohhhhh... everyone likes soup."

"-And more." Dr. Evil concluded. "We are here for you, Brother Evil. It is a long and difficult path that lay ahead of you, but rejoice in the fact that you are not alone. Now, let us move on to the next person." Bobert proclaimed in a voice a preacher would envy. As Dr. Evil sat down, a white-robed figure bearing a scythe stood up. "Hey, all. I'm Zasalamel."

"Hi, Zasalamel."

"I've done wrong, I'll admit it. I tried to end my eternal life by killing anyone who sought Soul Caliber and Soul Edge so I could combine their powers so I could... well, kill myself."

My God, some of these fruitcakes are suicidal. Weak, man!

"We feel your pain, Brother Zasalamel, and we are here to comfort you. Next!" ranted Bobert. A white haired person clad in a white robe (God, what is with these people and the colour white? Thought Sephiroth) who carried two swords. "Hey. I'm Sesshomaru. You all can go screw yourselves."

"Sesshomaru, why are you here?"

"Go #$ yourself."

"Come on. You're here for some reason..."

Yessss... Someone's finally gonna tell this jackass off!

"Daddy was SO mean! (sobs) He kept calling me Fluffy

(sobs) and made me feel stupid (sobs) and always only

gave a damn for that (sobs) STUPID INUYASHA! (sobs uncontrollably)"

Oh my... WAIT A MINUTE! I'm not the only one with parental issues! YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

"There, there. (Bobert lays his hand on Sesshomaru's back) We're here. We're here." Obviously Bobert. Bobert's awesome.

"Thank you, Brother Bobert. I needed that." Sesshomaru said.

Bobert beamed. "Ya hear that! He called me Brother! I'm proud to know that you trust me. That's what I like to see! Trust helps you help yourself in this place. Who's up next?"

A black figure rose to a height taller than anyone in the room. His green eyes were only outmatched by his flaming eyebrows. "I am AKU, shapeshifting master of darkness! KNEEL BEFORE MY MIGHT!" "Aku, we are not here to be evil. In fact, we are here to STOP being evil. In other words, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?"

"You don't have to yell..."

"GO! NOW!"

"YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE SO MEAN! THAT SAMURAI ALREADY MAKES ME DEPRESSED! (sobs) I'LL JUST GO KILL MYSELF NOW!"

"Ohhhh... I get it now... You just want attention, don't you?"

"Uh-(snif) huh."

"There, there. That evil little samurai can't get you here. This is a sanctuary for people like you."

"Thank you, Brother."

Awwww. Brother Bobert got through to this tortured soul. Praise the Lord!

"Thank you for your thoughts, Aku. Looks like you're next my pink friend." Kid Buu stood up. He tried to communicate his thoughts, but nobody could understand his primal grunts and growls. "I'm sorry my friend, but you're going to have to leave. I'm afraid we can't quite understand what you're saying." Kid Buu ran out of the complex crying uncontrollably. "Now, it's your turn, newcomer."

After looking around, Sephiroth realized Bobert was referring to him. I have nothing to fear. Brother Bobert understands me, and will not criticize me for my sordid past. He began to speak. "Uuuuuuuuuummmmmmmm... Hi. I'm Sephiroth." He kind of felt uncomfortable when they all said "Hello, Sephiroth." at the same time. "I have a lot to confess. I cloned myself countless times to try and rule the world with them, tried to kill one of the defects, worshipped my mother/planet and tried to exterminate mankind in doing so (I'm an angel if you can believe that), tried to kill the defect's girl, had a lovechild named Riku in another author's story-" Our villain was cut off when Bobert said, "ENOUGH! I've dealt with some pretty vile people in my time, but you disgust me. GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!" The fallen angel was about to burst into tears when the nearest wall exploded. Naraku stepped through the newly created hole. "Kid Buu came and told me what happened. I then killed him for being a pansy, as I shall do to all of you. Evil is not a disease to be cured but a lifestyle to be celebrated. Now, step forward and receive a quick and painless death. Resist, and suffer!" What was I thinking! Whoever the hell this is, he's right! At this point, Zasalamel transformed into Abyss and said, "I don't know who the hell this guy is, he's right!" Whoa, he said what I was thinking. No time for such things. Team up with him! Then, Sephiroth spoke aloud. "Screw this! I'm teaming up with these two (Abyss counts as the second) and killing those guys! Starting with Bobert..."

THE END?