I knew I was a bastard; Merlin did I know that fact was true. It felt so weird to knock on the hotel door which would lead me to Calix, and so daring to even be there in the first place. I know he would hate me for arriving unexpected, but I felt like I had betrayed him horribly. Naively, I thought that telling him about my untoward deed would make the feeling go away, and what I didn't understand is why my stomach knotted as I stood in front of the white washed door. I rapped on the wood, gulping as I did so and suddenly there was the urge to just turn away from it all. Before I could cower away, the door opened and there stood a bright eyed Calix wrapped in a towel; the sight had no affect on me anymore.
"Harry?" He asked confused, before looking over his shoulder to the flickering television that adorned every Muggle hotel room. I nodded, and he made way for me to walk in.
"Are you alone?" I asked, not really caring if he told me no which seems funny now as the ten minutes before my decent into the unhappy person I was, in that room, I knew I loved the man now standing in front of me. Maybe the misdeeds had made me unsure.
"Of course I'm alone, Harry." He sat down on the bed, and gestured for me to do the same. I complied, but sat as far away as possible which he neither acknowledged externally, nor made a fuss over. I looked anywhere but at him, because his eyes asked to many questions I didn't feel like answering.
"I kissed Draco." I said suddenly, hoping the words would alleviate the pressure on my chest. I looked to Calix, who had an eerie smile on his handsome face. "Why is that a good thing?"
"Do you love him, Harry?" He asked me brightly, and I wanted to hit him with all my might just then, because the daring question didn't need to be asked.
"No!" I spat, and glared at him full force. "Why would that even cross my mind, you know I love you!" I was near shouting, my breathing hard and my fists clenched.
"Why not keep this to yourself then, because it must have been an awful kiss for you to pack your bags and find me?" He pragmatically asked, and for a second I was angry that anyone could consider a kiss from Draco awful. I shook my head, not really answering anything and demand characteristics had me apologising even though I felt no need to. "Shush, Harry…" Calix softly scolded me to silence, and he grabbed my chin so I could look up at him. "If you really love me, then the kiss meant nothing to you and that's okay."
"I do love you." I concurred, and he moved in to wipe away my wrong doings with his own special kiss. His towel fell away, my body moved back and he smiled as we undid and removed all the clothes from me. It felt good, to be manipulated by another persons body in the way that he did to me, because after to many years denying myself the treat of it I think I really needed it.
I just wished that the kiss I shared with Draco wouldn't have ruined the moment, because every time I closed my eyes he was there, and every time they were open I wished he was there.
At first I thought Lincoln city to be a bore, because of the little people compared to London but I was wrong. Everything was so tight knit around the small city and at night there was raw life; if you didn't participate in it, you couldn't be in it. Something about the youthful bustle that over-took what could quite easily be a sleepy town, made me feel the better half of twenty again.
Calix wined and dined me at some pretty good places whilst we were in Lincoln, but there wasn't the same sparkle in our romance as there was before Christmas. I came to believe that my suppression of feeling with Draco, had caused the necessity to be loved by someone else and my own selfish desire had led me to lead on both boys in my life. Guiltily, I let Calix spend his evenings lavishing me in gifts and kinky sex, knowing that the moments passed so fast for him and so slow for me. The only time I was really happy, was when I was on my own exploring the city or when Calix had fallen asleep and I was left with my own thoughts. I ignored the nagging feeling that Draco was not okay, but this was the longest time I had ever spent away from him since the day I bought him, and I put all my anxiety down to that.
I hadn't given Hermione any details about where I might be staying, nor the fact that I was leaving because I didn't want my repair time with Calix to be upset by Hermione's worries about Draco. I don't know why I decided to send him away to hers, with no intent of having him back, but I guess it was so he was close to home. Having never had much in my life, I get rather sappy about letting things go especially if I never think I can have them back. I'm just petty like that.
On the last night that Calix and I were to be in Lincoln, he took me to a fifties style restaurant just outside the city. We talked whilst waiting for our table, sitting by the bar and loading up on alcohol. A voice overhead addressed our table was waiting, and I drifted through a sea of faces, behind Calix, to our private booth. Sitting down felt good on my overtly happy state, and my grin was met with excited eyes to which I felt nervous at looking. It was a good night, because I was drunk and a good night because the alcohol could strip me of a feeling I wished to forget.
In the taxi to our hotel, I could feel a sense of tension between me and Calix, which we tried to remedy with petty small talk and inane drunk laughter. I was so bored by that point, that when the taxi stopped I hopped out immediately in an attempt to break the stupidity between us. I just couldn't see, after my wrong doings, that I loved the man who stood before me. I just was upset with myself, and I didn't think I deserved Calix any longer because of my idiocy.
In the hotel room, as we got into bed, Calix looked over at me and I knew a question was brewing in his head. I waited patiently, before he opened his mouth: "We need to talk…"
"Okay," I replied dutifully, "What about?"
"I don't think I'm right for you anymore," He started and I opened my eyes in fright, "Tomorrow will be our last day together."
"Of course your right for me!" I protested, "I love you, Calix, why wouldn't you be right for me?" I thought I was going to cry, but the burning sensation was my own denial at the back of my throat. I was angry at him for concluding my thoughts, and the trains passing by that I could hear weren't helping me relax. Merlin damn the world, and all its façade.
"Harry, you haven't ever loved me, or been in love with me."
"That is rubbish, after all this time?" I asked, confused at why he was being so harsh with me.
"The kiss with Draco was just the ending for us, and more or less the beginning of you realising the whole time you have been in love with him." I looked aghast, because he was being so wrong.
"Honestly, you think I love Draco?" I laughed in the hilarity of it all.
"If you didn't, then why do you often sneak out the bed we shared, to share a bed with him? Why did you so easily fall asleep, him in your arms, on the sofa together whilst when we were anything close to intimate, shuffle about and move away so quickly. If you loved me Harry, why do you look at him like he is the be all and end all of your life?"
"I just am scared for him, because he such a shattered person." I responded, sitting up defiantly because the man in bed with me had gone completely mad. I wouldn't and couldn't look at the face of someone insane, which Calix definitely was to suggest such silly things. It hurt to be asked the question which would lead to the suppression of a desire I really did have for Draco, but there was one thing I did not do: love Draco.
"And you think I'm not shattered?" He asked angrily, "I told you about my parents Harry: They died at my hands, because I was silly to lead a friend that supported Voldemort into my house, I told you about the times my best friend touched me inappropriately, I told you about the four months I spent whoring myself because there was no money to eat from. I showed you the scars from my godparents, who stabbed me in an attempt to kill me and you think I'm not shattered? You think I don't remember?" He was shouting by this point, and that was all I could take. He was comparing himself to Draco, who had seen so much more than this boy ever had. All of us who had experienced the effect of the war were damaged goods; we all shared the knowledge that war is not fair on the body, mind or soul.
"I never said you weren't shattered," I defended lamely.
"You implied it Harry. For Gods sake, can you not see I am giving you the chance to actually experience love first hand?"
"What if I don't want to?" I asked, launching myself out of bed to magic up my belongings. It was my last kick, because if I didn't do it the rage inside would over take the room or implode on me. "What if for once in my life I don't want to be left raw?"
"You are to selfish, and yet so selfless it's confusing!" Calix yelled, he too now standing. I didn't reply, because there was nothing left to say. This man didn't want me, and he was using the only thing he could to get rid of me, which hurt. I dressed in front of his watchful eyes, and left without a backwards gaze; I knew when I wasn't wanted.
My home was awash with blinking signs and white envelopes. I could sense the magical signature of Hermione on the front door, and my floo counter had registered over twenty unanswered fire calls from her house. I shuddered, remembering the eerie feeling that something was wrong with Draco, ignite back in me. I picked up the mail from the front hall, and turned on the lights in the living room. Sitting down, I felt relieved to be in the comfort of my own home, but there was something missing which I put down to being alone for the first time in months.
It was quiet now, without a breath of music or whimpering from Draco or the humble sense from Calix. I didn't move from the sofa for a while, instead opted for just sitting against the silence of my house trying to instil faith back into the solitary breeze. I wasn't as angry now, because the long apparation had knocked the wind out of my fuming, long enough for me to forget the initial response to Calix' words of insanity.
Time ticked on, and I looked to the clock to see it one am. I decided to fire call Moony, because my restlessness could ease his insomnia for a while. I moved into the study, towards the fire place and threw some green powder into it. I watched the merry sparks light up, and popped my head in. Shouting the address brought me straight into Moony's study, where he was sitting gazing into the fire. He gave a start at my face, "Harry!" He yelped.
"Hey Moony!" I said back, cheery.
"Where have you been?" He asked concerned, and I cocked an eyebrow at him in question, because Moony really never checked up on me, nor was worried when I disappeared off the face of the earth for a few days.
"Lincoln." I responded dryly.
"Harry, everyone has been in search of you!" He exclaimed, and I wondered why no one got in touch with Calix, to ask of where I might be as most knew of our relationship. I left the thought to be explored later. "You have to go straight to Hermione's, Harry. I should be the one to tell you this, but Draco's gone missing."
We are really near the end of the story now guys! Come on, give me reviews and fuel my ego!