My RvB Script
By David Donnelly
This is my script for Red vs Blue. I don't own (or pwn) Red vs Blue or Halo, those are the property of Rooster Teeth and Bungie Studios. But SargeCake© is mine.
Sarge: Listen up soldiers,we need some initiative. So I decided to hold a pep rally.
Donut: Ooh,ooh! Let me design the decorations!
Grif: This is a stupid idea.
Sarge: How's about you find a new way to make us happy?
Simmons: I'm okay with the idea, sir, as long as Church isn't coming.
Sarge: That's it! We can make a bomb, and use it to blow up the Blue Base! Okay. Here's how it'll go. Simmons, you make the bomb out of the available resources.
Simmons: You mean rocks and bullet shells?
Sarge: Exactly. Grif, you will eat the bomb, then self-detonate inside their base.
Grif: But that'll kill me!
Sarge: Heh heh. We'd better get this plan in motion!
Grif: I can't be in the plan, Sarge. Um...I'm on a new diet.
Donut: Oh, me too! You see, I can only eat food that has the letter Q in it.
Sarge: Well, now, bomb has a Q in it.
Church: We've gotta get rid of those Red Team Members. I've got a plan. Meet me here in an hour.
Tucker: What do you think he's doing?
Caboose: Ooh! Ooh! I know!
Tucker:What, Caboose?
Caboose: I think he's going to bake a pie.
Tucker: sigh
Grif: I ate the bomb, Sarge.
Sarge: Good! Now, go to the Blue Base and tell them we surrender. They'll be caught off guard, then you-er, I mean the Blues will be gone forever!
Grif: That's actually a decent pla-
Sarge: Shut up, dirtbag.
Caboose: I think that Church thinks that I don't think that the Red Team thinks we is dumb.
Tucker: Ya think?
Tex: Okay, Church isn't here. I say we go and-
Church: I'm here. Now, I overheard Sarge's plan. Grif is a bomb.
Tucker: Seriously?
Church: So we should send him back and make him explode there.
Tex: How?
Church: I...haven't gotten that far yet...yeah.
Caboose: We should go get hats.
Tucker: Hats?
Caboose: Furry hats.
Church: That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
Grif: That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
Donut: I'm serious! I saw a bigfoot! He was right by those trees!
Sarge: No more playtime! Grif, get going.
Grif: All right! Jeez.
Grif :This is the worst thing Sarge has ever put me through.
Church: Guys, It's Grif!
Grif: Oh yeah, uh...I come in peace to tell you we surrender.
Church: Yeah. Go bring us the flag to prove it.
Grif: You're right. I'll be right back.
Sarge: Bad news, men. I forgot to make a detonator for the bomb. Grif is going to live. But-
Grif: Really? That's awesome!
Sarge:But, that bomb can be activated by anything with an ounce of gunpowder! chic chic Heh heh.
Grif: Gotta go.
Church:Hear that? We just gotta snipe him and we'll be perfectly safe! Caboose, you're up.
Caboose: Okay, Church. Maybe I'll find a fuzzy hat on the way.
Tucker: What are you doing? Caboose is way too dumb to do that!
Church: You're right. That was stupid. But, Caboose is gone now.
Tex: You know he'll walk right up to Grif and shoot him, right?
Tucker: I doubt it. He doesn't have enough brainpower to understand a freaking ham sandwich!
Caboose: I wonder where the fuzzy hats are. Hey, it's Grif.
Grif: It's Caboose!
Sarge: The enemy has been spotted! Grif, you will serve as a bullet shield.
Grif: But I'll explode!
Sarge: That's your problem! Run!
Caboose: Was I supposed to do something?
Grif: You were supposed to...um...shoot Sarge! Yeah!
Caboose: If you say so. boom
Sarge: Wow! That bullet almost hit me! You okay, Simmons?
Simmons: ...Ow...pain...Yes, sir...
Sarge: Good! Go walk it off.
Simmons: Yes, sir...ow...
Donut: That's pretty mean, Sarge.
Sarge: Donut, go make some cake.
Donut: Yes, sir!
Church: That was a pretty close shave.
Tucker: Bow chicka bow wow!
Church: SHUT UP TUCKER!
Caboose: I shot Sarge just like you told me, Church.
Church: You were supposed to shoot Grif!
Caboose: He said that I sould shoot Sarge. I shot Sarge.
Tucker: Since when do you do what the enemy tells us?
Church: Don't worry. That's Sarge. Their leader. They have no direction, now.
Tex: That's Sarge right over there.
Church: What?
Tex: Simmons is right there. Bleeding. Badly.
Simmons: Losing...blood...pain...
Sarge: Simmons! Get over here!
Simmons: Yes, sir...ow...
Sarge: Donut! Get that cake!
Donut: All done! Wanna know the secret ingredient?
Sarge: No!...Mmm. Tastes like bluesenberry.
Grif: That's not a kind of berry. Give me some.
Sarge: You can't have any...It's SargeCake©.
Grif: That doesn't even seem physically possible!
Church: This sucks.
Tucker: We never win. Why expect to now, when Caboose thinks for himself?
Tex: This isn't very interesting.
Caboose: We need pancakes.
Tucker: Or some of that SargeCake©.