Random shit: You're lucky I'm still alive. I almost died after having to sprint the damn mile in PE class. And silence if you think running a mile is a cakewalk, I hate sprinting unless I'm playing soccer and the prospect of ramming someone is nigh. Plus, I think I pulled something, my leg is mudersome today. So much for stretches. Also, my PE teacher was rapping today, so I'm scarred. For life. And - oh god, Swalls cross-dressing... -shudder- Also, check out my profile. It's edited, my hippie brethren
Disclaimer: I don't own GX. If I did, Jaden would have a froody afro. :D
Warnings: OOCness, dub names, Mary-Sue, and a complete disregard for the laws of nature in general. I'm literally meaning that, too. Something happens that I got from Monty Python. 'Nuff said. :O
Chapter 4: Murder
Chazz Princeton's Letter to Self:
Sorry I made those bad counterfeits. I know now that even though I was always sure I had good accomplices, I needed to spend some time thinking about how my actions would appear on the security camera. Some might find this hard to believe, but all I ever really wanted was to be acquitted. I guess I just keep hoping that one day the entire world will understand English. I promise that from now on, I won't worry all the time about losing the police and I'll try to be the best person I can be, although I can't promise that I won't make the occasional prison break. I'm also going to go easier on the people around me, because I know that deep down I know they really and truly will file charges. -Chazz
---
Jaden Yuki sat at the pier for most of the school day. He had to escape from Crowler a few times, since Crowler was chasing him (and, for some reason, kept waving a hair dryer at Jaden like a gun), but was ignored pretty much the rest of the time. He truly hadn't meant to pull Charlene's blanket off, it had been an accident. But Charlene was so pissed, how could he ever look at Charlene again? It was all so confusing.
His stomach growled at him. Of course, he'd skipped lunch. The sun was setting, meaning it was well past dinnertime. But he really wanted to make up to Charlene... somehow. Then it hit him. All girls like sappy stuff, right?
---
Chazz sulked. Banner had announced that there was going to be a new student, a new girl. Meaning Chazz had to share a room. With a girl. Not to mention the fact that he had two weeks' worth of detentions for breaking that Obelisk's wrist. What the hell had he done to deserve this?
"Stop laughing at me, you jerk," Chazz yelled at the ceiling. "I know you're up there, laughing at me."
Chazz's electricity went out.
"Oh, that's just not even cool," Chazz griped. "You're not merciful at all, are you?"
Chazz's light bulbs exploded.
"All right, I get it," he muttered. "You hate me."
As if affirming this, God sent more punishment to Chazz Princeton.
He heard singing. Loud, terrible singing in Spanish. Very bad Spanish.
"No, no..." Chazz whimpered. "PLEASE, I'll repent of all my unholy sins, just NO!"
The voice grew louder.
"WHY, GOD?" Chazz screamed. "PLEASE STOP THIS!"
He didn't even conjugate the verb. It wasn't supposed to be "hablar," it was supposed to be "hablo." Clearly, the kid had been slacking off on his foreign language studies. Well, perhaps that would be the case if Duel Academy actually HAD foreign language classes.
Chazz Princeton suffered. The poor kid was stuck listening to a serenade. Who was serenading him? Jaden Yuki. It was the worst punishment ever. It might not have been that bad if Alexis had been the one singing a Spanish song to him, but Jaden? Jaden was worse than a certain blond whore with the initials "B.S." Yeah, that one.
Finally, a kind and merciful soul took pity on him and smacked Jaden upside the head. Jaden became quiet after that and headed back to his dorm, where he was ambushed by Banner.
"Where were you, Jaden?" Banner demanded sternly, glaring through his square spectacles. "Blowing off class is not tolerated by the disciplinary committee."
Jaden muttered something about Crowler and his hair dryer, but was ignored.
"I'll make it easy this time and only give you detention," Banner continued. "You will be with Charlene-"
"NO!" Jaden yelped. "She hates me!"
"-and you will be there for two weeks," Banner finished without paying attention to Jaden at all whatsoever.
"But-"
"See you tomorrow," Banner said cheerfully, walking out the door.
"-shit."
---
The next morning, the new girl was introduced to Duel Academy, with her welcoming assembly at the pier.
She was strikingly gorgeous, with long blond hair and bright pink eyes that turned purple when she was in the presence of what she believed to be her one true love. Sadly, her eyes were purple at that moment, and flashed brighter every time she looked at a very uncomfortable Banner.
Her chest put Alexis Rhodes's chest to shame. Her earrings were froodier than Crowler's. Her smile could get guys faster than Atticus's smile could get girls. She was the epitome of outward perfection. Everybody immediately loved her.
Chazz, Jaden, Alexis, Atticus, Zane, Syrus, Chumley, Banner, Crowler, and Bastion immediately hated her.
"My name is Bree Internisha Tequila Cadice Honda Illiat Natas," the girl announced. "I'm Yugi Muto and Tristan Taylor's daughter."
Chazz, Jaden, Alexis, Atticus, Zane, Syrus, Chumley, Banner, Crowler and Bastion immediately hated her more. And were revolted at the mere thought of Tristan and Yugi being gay together. And having a kid? How the hell did that- never mind.
"I've been dueling since I was three," the girl went on. "I'm the American, Canadian, Mexican, Swiss, Dutch, Belgian, Iranian, South African, Japanese, Chinese, North Korean, and French Duel Monsters champion. I'm also the runner-up in the Panama tournament..." she pouted. "But my opponent cheated. I just have to prove it."
Chazz, Jaden, Alexis, Atticus, Zane, Syrus, Chumley, Banner, Crowler and Bastion immediately hated her more than they had before. Provided that was possible.
"If she's the French champion, that doesn't say much," Bastion muttered under his breath.
"It says that she's as bitchy as her name suggests," Atticus piped in. "Also, she has a severe case of faggonitis. And she is fuckfacing."
Everyone nodded, not exactly sure what "faggonitis" was. And how the hell had Atticus made "fuckface" into a verb? Wow, he's amazing.
"Let's kill her!" Atticus added, grinning widely.
Everyone nodded, paused, and looked at him.
"Um..." Alexis hesitated. "Is that really a great idea?"
"My deck has a special magic card that automatically wipes out every one of my opponent's life points, and all I have to do is pay one life point!" Bree said, smiling her dazzling white smile that had even the most anti-Slifer Obelisks crooning. "I've never lost aside from that time the man - whose name was Ed Phoenix - cheated by using Magic Jammer. He shouldn't have been allowed to counter my magic card." She pouted again.
"Let's hear this assassination plan of yours," Alexis said instantly.
"Quickly," Banner added. "She keeps giving me that witch smile, and my garlic and crosses don't seem to be warding off her obvious evilness."
"Okay," Atticus said. "Here's the plan."
---
Chazz smiled warmly at Bree. "Welcome to Duel Academy. I'm your charming roommate, Cha...rlene. Charlene, yes. Would you like me to escort you to the dorm room?"
Bree scoffed. "No, I wanted him-" she gazed at Banner longingly - "to escort me."
Chazz's patience bent. "He's too old for you."
"He's only-"
"SILENCE, BITCH, HE'S TOO FUCKING OLD!" Chazz yelled, his patience snapping like a twig.
There was a moment of silence.
"Charlene, that wasn't very nice," Bree pouted. "My ultra-rich parents who are actually king and queen of Japan are paying for me to come here. I won't tolerate rudeness from a mediocre duelist."
Chumley briefly wondered how the girl's parents could be queen and king of Japan, seeing as how she'd already stated that Yugi and Tristan were her parents, and he was certain that Yugi and Tristan were not Emperor Akihito and Empress Michiko, the "rulers" of Japan. Alexis briefly wondered how good a duelist Charlene was. Syrus briefly wondered why Charlene reminded him so much of Chazz. Crowler briefly wondered why her parents were paying for her to come to a free school. Banner briefly wondered how the girl had passed the test to get in. Bastion briefly wondered if his calculations about how long the girl had left to live would be correct. Zane was merely relieved that she hadn't tried to hit on HIM instead of Banner. Atticus briefly wondered why the girl's initials spelled out "bitchin." And if she knew her last name spelled backwards spelled out "Satan." Jaden briefly wondered when it would be lunchtime.
And Chazz? He briefly wondered whether the shotgun or the flamethrower would be better.
"Anyway, Charlene, I challenge you to a duel," Bree continued snootily. "When I win, you have to move out of my dorm room."
"Hell no, biznatch," Chazz snapped. "When I win, I get to beat the shit out of you and trample your corpse. And then you have to shag Jaden."
"She has to what now?" Jaden asked mildly, as Atticus chuckled.
"Duel!" B.I.T.C.H.I.N. cried, activating her duel disk. "I activate the magic card Pot of Greed! I draw two cards. I place one monster face down in defense mode and place five cards face down on the field. Your move, Charlene."
Atticus grinned. "Oh, man. This is gonna be great."
Chazz chuckled. "I draw." He glanced at the card. "Ooooh baby, you're getting it now. I just drew the magic card Holy Hand Grenade. With it, I can wipe out all of your life points by discarding three cards from my hand. But the side effect is better."
"Side effect?" Bree said skeptically. "There's no such card as that, you're clearly bluffing."
"Silence, woman. I activate it. It has a side effect that will blow you up." Chazz grinned. "See you in hell, Mary Sue. All I have to do is recite one simple incantation and discard cards..." He placed three cards in his graveyard. "And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.' Amen."
"Amen," the others replied.
The pier pretty much exploded. It was rather cool, and the fact that Sheppard would be pissed only added to the excitement.
"May God bless the wonderful men of Monty Python," Alexis said with a satisfied sigh, watching the blood of the Mary Sue made a loud splurting sound as it globbed all over the normally peaceful pier.
"I do enjoy gore," Zane added as a particularly large and unidentifiable organ ploshed all over the pier in front of him.
Everyone stared at him.
"What? Am I not allowed to?"
Everyone shrugged and went off to do whatever it was they did on Saturday mornings.
---
That night, there was a knock on Chazz's bedroom door.
Grumbling, Chazz staggered to the door and opened it. A hesitant Jaden stood there, looking slightly nervous.
"What do you want?" Chazz demanded sharply.
Jaden averted his gaze. "Ah... Charlene... um... can we talk?"
Narrowing his eyes at the Slifer boy, Chazz reluctantly opened the door wider. "All right, make it quick, though. I'm tired."
"Charlene..." Jaden took a deep breath. "I have to ask you something..."
"What?" Chazz asked, not enjoying the direction in which this was going.
"Can I... can I use your bathroom?"
---To Be Continued---
I'm a bitch, huh? Admit it, you thought he was going to ask something exciting. :3 Although... Jeez, I really effed this chapter up. It makes no sense. Oh well. You don't like it, you make the pope cry. D:
And if anyone here's on Janime, could someone explain what the hell happened? I can't get in there. :(
And now, onward to sleep. 'Night, my less-froody-than-me mofos.