Stuff o'randomness: It's official, I'm a nerd. I made the Spell Bowl team. The rest of my high school life will be henceforth dedicated to fleeing from freshman who are taller than me, whose sole purpose in life is to dunk every geek's head down the toilet in the girls' locker room. Although I don't know how they'll get in the girls' locker room to BEGIN with...
Disclaimer: I wish I owned it. Sadly, I don't. Actually, if I did, Edo Phoenix's dub name would be Edo (or at least ED), NOT Aster...
Warnings: OOCness, dub names, and one-sided
JadenXChazz. Also, South Park scene. You have been warned.
Chapter Five: Mysteries
(subtitled "I ran through the woods, naked and screaming while clansmen shot at me")
Dear Diary - journal - whatever:
Why is he still alive? That is all.
---
Chazz stared at Jaden for a long second. "Can you what?"
Jaden flushed crimson. "Use your... your... toilet?" he whimpered in a small voice.
"What the hell are you doing here?" Chazz yelled, flinging his arms wildly and nearly whacking a cowering Jaden in the face. "You have an outhouse, don't you?"
"Just leaving to use it, actually," Jaden moaned, ducking out the door as fast as his little body could.
Chazz slammed the door behind the slacker and fumed. I thought that maybe he'd leave me alone. He's a complete moron. He's... why the hell is he still annoying me? Where's Atticus when he's needed? I need to talk to Atti- No. No, why would I need to talk to Atticus? Why is my mind telling me to talk to- Oh God! What if Jaden really is hitting on me? I need expert advice, pronto.
That is how Atticus was rudely interrupted in the middle of a very fascinating game of strip dueling with an Obelisk girl.
"I need your help," Chazz said urgently, ignoring the fact that Atticus was "accidentally" losing life points at a very rapid pace as the girl giggled.
"Just a sec, there, chief," Atticus said with a wink, chucking off his shirt. "I'll show you how the Master works his magic."
Impatiently, Chazz stomped on Atticus's bare foot. "Now, you asshole. This is all your fault. I'm only refraining from killing you because I'm almost certain that you're behind this whole sex change fiasco."
Heaving a very loud sigh, Atticus waved at the Obelisk girl. "Sorry. I have to go." He winked at her. "See you... tomorrow."
Ignoring the girl's dreamy sigh, Chazz grabbed the half-naked Atticus by the arm until they'd reached an empty classroom, into which Atticus was shoved.
"How can I tell if someone is hitting on me?" Chazz demanded as soon as he slammed the door.
Atticus blinked. A creeping smile slid onto his face. "Oho! What's this I hear? Someone is hitting on Chazz Princeton, aka Charlene Parkins? Very interesting..."
"No it's not," Chazz scowled.
Atticus shrugged and pulled his shirt over his head. "May I ask why you're asking me this, Chazz?"
"Just wondering, could you just tell me?"
"Sure. If they're red in the face every time they look at you, if they sneak into your dorm room in the middle of the night to watch you sleep, and if they ask to use your lavatory when they have their own, they're in dire need of sexing you up," Atticus yawned.
Chazz's eye twitched. "Have you been spying on me, per chance?"
"No."
"You sure? You don't think the female me is sexy, do you?" On inspiration, Chazz decided to test Atticus. Maybe he could figure out if Atticus really WAS responsible for making him into a girl.
"That was uncalled for."
"Yeah, maybe. Or maybe you're a bisexual and don't want to admit it. You turned me into a girl so you could get me without revealing to everyone that you're not straight."
"Shut up, fat boy!" Atticus yelled.
"Don't call me fat, you fucking whore," Chazz snapped. 'Atticus just proved to me that he really IS responsible for this. Either that or he's just being a retard. We can't rule his retardism out.'
Unfortunately for the pair of them, Dr. Crowler had just happened to walk by that particular room at that particular minute.
"Charlene!" Crowler exclaimed. "Did you just say the f-word?"
Chazz looked perplexed for a moment. "Whore?"
"No, he's talking about fuck. You can't say fuck in school, you fucking fatass," Atticus snapped.
"Atticus!" Crowler yelled.
"Why the fuck not?" Chazz demanded.
"Charlene!"
By this point, several people who had also been walking by decided to see what the commotion was about.
"Dude, you just said fuck again," a Ra boy said.
"Steve!"
"What's the big deal?" Chazz asked, frowning. "It doesn't hurt anybody. Fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck."
"How would you like to see Chancellor Sheppard?" Crowler yelled.
"How would you like to suck my balls?"
Everyone gasped.
"What did you say?" Crowler screamed.
"Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Actually, what I said was..." Chazz cleared his throat, cupped his hands over his mouth, and yelled "how would you like to suck my balls? Dr. Crowler."
---
Chancellor Sheppard sighed as he looked over at the still-half-naked model student Atticus and the new girl, Charlene. He didn't understand exactly why Atticus was half naked in a room, alone, with a girl, but perhaps it would be best if the world would never know.
"Dr. Crowler informed me that you were using profanity in school," Sheppard said with another sigh. "Mind explaining what happened?"
"Yes, I would," Chazz said loudly. "Atticus is being a moron. Again."
Sheppard hit his head on the desk. "Elaborate on that for me, please."
"He turned me into a gi-"
Chazz stopped. He couldn't tell anyone that he was Chazz Princeton, least of all Chancellor Sheppard.
"...reat duelist," Atticus finished, grinning.
Chazz breathed a sigh of relief. 'All right, so he wasn't a complete retard THIS time...'
There was another awkward pause.
"Um," Sheppard said, and blinked.
"Yeah, so... we'll be going now." Chazz stood up and headed for the door. He had just reached it and was about to step through when Sheppard called out to him.
"Charlene, hold on a moment."
Chazz froze, his foot halfway out the door. "What?"
Sheppard stood up. "We're curious. Do you know what happened to Chazz Princeton? He disappeared the day before you arrived. And students say that they first saw you wearing a North Academy uniform. Which strikes me as odd. Why were you wearing a uniform from North Academy?"
Chazz bit his lip and thought for a second. "Um... I'm from... North Academy?"
It wasn't a complete lie. He had gone there... if only briefly. And as a male.
Sheppard frowned. 'They don't have girls at North Academy...' He cleared his throat. "Very well. We'll let you take the exam to move out of Slifer Red in a few days, if you wish."
"That would be lovely, sir."
---
Atticus sat in class the next Monday, not paying too much attention to Professor Banner, who was going on about some chemical reaction that would instantly kill people. No, he couldn't help but wonder why Chazz was so pissed about being a girl. Granted, Chazz had been changed into a girl against his will, but still...
Atticus yawned widely, and doodled absentmindedly on his notes. He wondered again who would be skilled enough to give Chazz Princeton a sex change. Furthermore, how'd they find out about Chazz's plans for the evening? He scribbled a few names on his notes, those who were closest to Chazz or might wish him ill. Then he remembered that most of the school wished Chazz ill. So he bumped it down to those who claimed to be Chazz's "friends." Alexis, Jaden, Zane, Chumley, Syrus, Mindy, Jasmine, Bastion... those were the first names he thought up. He then decided to narrow it down.
Atticus had planned on bringing Alexis to the abandoned dorm to meet Chazz, but she'd come down with the flu, which had mysteriously vanished by the next morning. She'd been in the clinic that entire night, or so she'd claimed. He'd check with the nurse on that.
Jaden was too stupid to figure out how to perform a sex change. That knocked him off instantly. It also knocked Syrus and Chumley off the list as well. You know what they say, he decided. Stupidity catches.
Mindy and Jasmine were too nice to do anything to Chazz. Plus, they were complete airheads. They wouldn't be able to cut off Chazz's dick without wigging out on it. Both literally and figuratively.
That narrowed the list to Zane... and Bastion. Both were extremely intelligent. Both were too intelligent. Either could pull off an extremely calculated sex change with ease, and both were calm enough to do it maturely.
Atticus tapped his finger on their names. He'd be having a long talk with his buddy Zane. And then he'd be paying Ra dorms a visit. There was a man killer at Duel Academy.
---
It was late night, again. Chazz was just getting to sleep when there was a timid knock on the door.
"For the love of..." Chazz grunted and glanced at his clock. "What the hell is he doing here at midnight?"
For it could only be one person. The one and only... Jaden Yuki.
Sure enough, when a disgruntled Chazz yanked the door open, a wet and tired-looking Jaden stood outside. It was last night all over again.
"What?" Chazz demanded.
"Um... could I..."
"Use my toilet?" Chazz snarled.
"No, um... Stay with you tonight?" Jaden asked hesitantly, scratching his neck.
Chazz almost said no and slammed the door. But curiosity got the better of him. "Why aren't you at your dorm?"
Jaden sighed reluctantly. "Some guys from Obelisk came and flooded our dorm. Again," he added with some trepidation. "I think they used the toilet water this time..."
Chazz shuddered and peered over Jaden's shoulder. "Where are Chumley and Syrus?"
Jaden sighed again. "The Obelisk guys took them hostage again." Then, at Chazz's look of shock, he quickly added, "I don't think it's too serious. Alexis usually takes care of that for us. You know, since they're scared of her, I guess."
"They took Chumley and Syrus hostage?" Chazz demanded. "Why don't you report this to Banner?"
"Oh, you know," Jaden shrugged. "They threaten to flush our heads down the toilet and stuff if we tell. They think it's fun, I guess. Although I don't really think so. It takes a while for the room to dry sometimes."
Chazz held the door open for Jaden. "Fine, you can stay tonight. Just... tell Banner tomorrow about the Obelisk kids. They shouldn't be flooding dorm rooms." A twinge of guilt flooded Chazz's mind. Only a month ago, he probably would have been one of those Obelisk boys, flooding Slifer dorm rooms and taking kids hostage. 'But you're a Slifer girl now,' the voice in his mind said. 'Maybe you'll learn something from all this.'
Jaden pulled off his wet nightshirt and glanced around the tiny room for a spot to sleep. He settled on a spot next to the bed, under the window. It was a cramped spot, with hardly any room, but he didn't say anything.
Chazz glanced at his large bed and shook his head. 'I can't believe I'm going to do this..." He cleared his throat. "Er, you can sleep on my bed tonight."
Jaden looked over at Chazz. "Really? Thanks, Charlene."
"No problem," Chazz said reluctantly. "But I have two rules. No touching me - at all - and use your own blanket. There are some in that cabinet over there."
'He's Jaden Yuki. He doesn't know anything about how to be a pervert. Now, if he were Atticus, that's a whole different story, but it's Jaden. Come on. The worst that could happen is his snoring. Just pity the kid, Chazz. Plus, isn't he gay or something? He won't try to grope you as a girl.'
"All right," Jaden said. He grabbed a blanket and curled up on the opposite side of the bed from Chazz. "Good night, Charlene."
Chazz turned off the light. "Right."
He pulled his blanket over his head and went to sleep.
---To be continued---
Yay. Review, and I'll... sing you a song. Or... something. Better yet, review and I WON'T sing you a song. Yeah, you don't want me singing. Trust me. Sorry for grammatical errors and random suckiness, I'm too tired to care. I'll update as soon as I feel like it. Ta.