Whee: Yay. I've got Don Henley to keep me company. :D (I'll give a cookie to whomever knows who Don Henley is.:3)

Disclaimer: Atticus would show up in the anime more often if I owned it. Because he is froooooody. As froody as Don Henley. :P

Warnings: OOCness, one-sided JadenXChazz, dub names. Blah. Oh, and Atticus-ness. :3

Chapter Six: Quidnunc

Dear Diary:

Poor Chazzy-poo has gone mad. I think he's developing feelings for our darling Jaden-chan. Kun. Sensei. Meh. Hmm... Or Jaden has feelings for Chazz... Well, whatever the case, I will not rest, I will not sleep for an instant, until our man-killer, whether it be Bastion or Zane, is brought to justice.

-Atty

---

There was another knock at Chazz's door at six-thirty the next morning.

Grunting, Chazz opened an eye and almost had a heart attack before he remembered the previous night. Jaden was snoring peacefully, half his body was hanging off the bed, and he was making wild gestures (that looked slightly like Jaden was trying to duel in his sleep).

KNOCK, KNOCK.

Chazz sighed, and started to head to the door. Then he froze. They'd see Jaden. In a girl's dorm. With a girl. Sleeping. In the bed. Oh, it would be horrible. All the rumors...

"Come on, man. Open up, yo."

Chazz breathed deeply. It was just Atticus... Then he thought about that for another second.

Shit, it was Atticus.

"No, go away," Chazz yelped. "I'm-I'm... NAKED!"

This succeeded in nothing but making Atticus more insistent that Chazz open the door. 'Pervert,' Chazz thought grumpily, shoving the door closed again. "What part of 'I'm naked' did you not get?"

"Oh, I got the whole thing," came the muffled reply. "Although I do believe you're just saying that to get me to go away."

"I hate you."

"The feeling's mutual, sugar."

"Don't call me that, ass."

There was a loud grunt from the bed, and Jaden sat up, rubbing his eyes. "What's going on, Charlene?"

Chazz grimaced. He knew what was next.

"Was that a voice I heard?" Atticus asked.

"No, now go away."

"Jaden, is that you?"

Chazz made a slashing motion with his hand, but Jaden, unfortunately, did not catch it.

"Yeah... Atticus?"

A grin was seeping over Atticus' face. "Oh, this is interesting..."

Chazz wrenched open the door, grabbed Atticus' arm, and pulled him into the room, slamming the door behind him. "Listen to me, Atticus. Not a soul will hear about this or you die. It is not what it looks like, his dorm got flooded out last night by jerks in your dorm. And then Syrus and Chumley were held hostage by said boys."

Atticus frowned. "That would explain why Alexis was screaming at those boys this morning. Which is odd, I assumed it to be PMS." A smile crept onto his face. "Wait, then why was Jaden sleeping in your bed? With you in it?"

I felt pity for him? I'm secretly a bisexual whore? What do you want me to say, Atticus? "Umm..."

Normally, Chazz's "um" response gave everyone the notion that he was finished with his sentence and for the whole discussion to be dropped. However, both Atticus and Jaden were staring intently at him, waiting for a response that was longer than one word.

"That's pretty much it," Chazz said, shrugging.

Atticus sighed. "You make a terrible-" He dropped off the last word, which was going to be "girl," because he'd just noticed that Jaden was listening in on the conversation. "-conversation maker."

There was an awkward pause between Atticus and Chazz, but Jaden didn't seem to notice.

"I should go now," Jaden said brightly, breaking the long silence. "See you later, Charlene, Atticus."

And without another word, the brunette swept out of the room, humming happily, completely oblivious to the tension in the room.

As soon as the door closed behind him, Atticus gave Chazz a cocky grin. "Good thing he's a space cadet, eh Chazzy? He might have found you out."

Chazz sat on the edge of his bed and sighed in frustration. "Have you figured out who did this to me yet?"

Atticus grinned wider. "As a matter of fact, I've narrowed it down to two people."

Chazz jerked his head up. "Well? Who?"

Atticus paused, possibly for dramatic effect. He breathed a few times, grinned inwardly at the annoyed glare on Chazz's face, and spread his arms wide. "Why, you haven't figured it out, Chazz?"

Chazz's eye twitched, and Atticus heaved a dramatic sigh. "Well, if you must insist..." He paused again and closed his eyes in a more dramatic gesture. "Why, it's Zane Truesdale and Bastion Misawa, silly," he said finally, as if he were talking to a three-year-old.

Chazz's mouth fell open.

---

Meanwhile, Jaden Yuki was humming loudly as he shook out his damp uniform. Maybe Charlene does like me! he thought happily, putting on the uniform. "Hey, Sy. Chumley. Alexis."

Alexis Rhodes had just walked into the dorm, fuming, with a wary Syrus and Chumley behind her.

"Those idiots!" she yelled. "Holding Slifers hostage? What's next, flooding a dorm with toilet-" she sniffed the air. "Oh, that does it. Excuse me while I go MURDER the idiot responsible."

"Bye, Lex!" Jaden called out, oblivious to the situation at hand.

Alexis waved a hand over her shoulder as she stalked off toward Professor Banner's room, possibly to inform him of the going-ons at his dorm.

Jaden rubbed Syrus' head. "So. How bad was it this time?"

Syrus thought for a moment. "This time, they stuffed us into a closet. It was pretty cramped, but bearable... until someone had to fart." He gave Chumley a withering glare, and Chumley flushed red.

"I haven't had my grilled-"

"Don't want to hear it, Chum," Syrus interrupted. "Just... no."

Jaden glanced back at Charlene's room as the three of them headed toward breakfast, Chumley and Syrus arguing. 'What's going on with her and Atticus, I wonder...?' He spotted Professor Banner, who looked furious as Alexis spoke to him. As soon as the usually amicable teacher saw his three students approaching, he strode quickly to their sides.

"Jaden, Chumley, Syrus," Banner said with a hint of irritability in his tone. "We need to talk."

Chumley exchanged a frantic glance with Syrus. "Uh, professor, we're hun-"

Banner cut him off with one swipe of his hand as he stared at the three Slifers sternly. "I need you to explain something that Alexis Rhodes has brought to my attention. Come to my room, and I want every detail."

---

Chazz was sitting in Banner's class that afternoon. Clearly, Banner had been informed about the issues with the Slifer dorms, since he was constantly snapping at Obelisks for no reason and basically being grouchy and bitter in general.

"You and you-" Banner jabbed a finger toward two of the ruder Obelisks, "-go get Dr. Crowler."

The two Obelisks frowned, but stood up anyway and headed toward Crowler's classroom to get him.

Banner cleared his throat as they closed the door. "While we're waiting for Dr. Crowler, something has been brought to my attention. As some of you are aware, there is tension between two of our dorms. This tension has never been stronger in the history of this school. I heard this morning that certain Obelisks have been acting in rude and intolerable manners... Ah. Dr. Crowler, glad you could come. Please, listen to this discussion, I wanted to hear your input on how this should be managed."

Crowler looked furious at being dragged all the way to Banner's class to hear some tripe about minor difficulties between Obelisks and Slifers. "I do hope this is very important, Lyman," he said stiffly. "You're interrupting my own class, you see."

Banner peered at Crowler. "Oh, it is important, Dr. Crowler."

Everyone in the class shifted in their seats.

"Last night," Banner continued, "a group of Obelisk Blue students went over to the Slifer Red dorms. They kidnapped two Slifers, and flooded a few select dorms with toilet water."

A few Obelisks chuckled and some Slifers flushed as red as their blazers.

"This is not a laughing matter," Banner said stiffly, immediately silencing those Obelisks. "If I find out who did this - and I have a vague idea who it was - they are getting expelled from this school, I assure you. Dr. Crowler, any words for these students of yours? They are in your dorm, after all."

Crowler scanned the sea of faces. "That is unacceptable behavior out of my Obelisks. You are already superior to the Slifers, they know that, you know that, there is no need to break school rules and resort to federal crimes. That is all, I need to get back to my class before certain individuals skip out on me... again." He mumbled something that sounded like "Atticus..."

Without another word, Crowler swished out of the classroom, leaving silence in his wake.

---

Later that evening, Bastion Misawa was writing an essay for Dr. Crowler, one that was supposed to be three pages long. He had already scribbled seven pages on "how to win with traps against a Jinzo deck." He had only written a quarter of what he wanted to say, and he was on a roll. That is, until someone hammered against his door.

Sighing, he finished up the formula he was working on and went to the door.

He opened it and gaped in surprise.

"Atticus, what are you doing here?"

Atticus pushed past Bastion and walked into the room. He walked around the room, peering up at the formulas scribbled all over the walls. He gestured at them and asked casually, "How can you understand this stuff? It's pretty much an ancient dialect of Mayan."

Bastion studied a formula. "That one is Mayan," he agreed, pointing.

Shaking his head, Atticus plopped on Bastion's bed. "Listen, buddy, I have to talk to you about stuff."

Bastion frowned. He didn't know why Atticus Rhodes would be talking to him about "stuff" unless it had to do with some complicated math or science thing.

"I don't know why you'd be talking to me about 'stuff' unless it had to do with some complicated math or science thing, Atticus," he said in confusion.

"Yeah, I have been having trouble understanding some of Banner's stuff," Atticus mused. "That whole thing with radioactive decay and helium atoms or something... what are they called again?"

"Alpha particles?" Bastion suggested helpfully.

"Something like that, yeah. So if, hypothetically, I had an oxygen particle and a tin atom, they could decay to form krypton? And then if I had a positron and combined it with that one element that has a funny name, I would have to ask what you did with Chazz's manhood?"

Bastion was already not following the question, but the last bit threw him off completely. "I- wait, what?"

Atticus narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "You heard me, Misawa."

Completely confuddled, Bastion looked at Atticus. "I have no clue what you're trying to-"

"Admit it!" Atticus flew off the bed and pointed at Bastion in a very MacGuyver-esque manner. (Provided he really knew who MacGuyver was.) "You lured Chazz Princeton into the abandoned dorm. Then you further lured him into a silent room where you raped and sodomized him, then whacked off his dick and gave him highly sexy boobs! Didn't you?"

Poor Bastion Misawa was traumatized by this point. "What are you babbling about? I don't understand! Why would I sodomize Chazz Prince-" It hit him. "Wait. Did you just say he got his... whacked... boobs?" His eyes widened. "Chazz Princeton is... Charlene! Charlene Parkins! Oh my god, how the hell did this happen?" With this, he sat down on his bed and started shaking.

Atticus studied Bastion's face closely. Upon further reflection, maybe Bastion wasn't the alleged man-killer. He looked like he was going to throw up, and possibly be haunted by horrendous nightmares for the rest of his short existence. His face was stark-white and his eyes (and body) were twitching uncontrollably. 'Maybe I shouldn't have added the raping and sodomizing part,' Atticus decided. Which left only one possible solution: Zane Truesdale had murdered Chazz Princeton's manliness.

"Sorry for bothering you, Bastion," Atticus said brightly. "Later, buddy."

He got a whimper in return, and left the room. He knew what must be done. He was going to ask Zane in the most subtle way possible what he'd done with Chazz.

---

"Zane, froodmeister, wait up."

Zane Truesdale turned around. "Atticus. What're you doing here?"

"Here" was outside Alexis' dorm room.

"I was going to ask you that, pal," Atticus said brightly.

"Er..." Zane flinched. "...Not doing anything?"

"Listen, Zanemeister, if you wanna eff my sister, I'm all for it-"

"I wasn't 'effing' your sister!" Zane said loudly, and slightly indignantly. 'Too indignantly,' Atticus decided, but he'd get over it. Alexis needed a sexy and wildly popular guy anyway. And maybe she'd mellow out if she got laid, who knows.

"Yeah, that's cool, pal, question. Answer."

Zane looked confused. "Eh?"

"If a tree falls in the forest, is Chazz's dick around to hear it?"

...So much for subtlety.

Zane opened his mouth to reply, then froze. "Wait, wait, wait. Wait. Wait. What?"

"What is the sound of one hand cutting off Chazz's wee?" Atticus went on, completely maturely and nonplussed.

Zane buried his hands in his face. "What are you talking about?"

It was time for the long narrative. That was the only way to get Zane to admit to his dick-cutting, woman-turning-into ways.

"It was a dark and stormy night," Atticus said quietly. "The abandoned dorm was looming over the horizon, and a lone figure crept there in the hopes of finding his one true love. Unfortunately, another figure grabbed him from behind - in the most literal sense - and whacked off his EFFING PENIS!"

The last part startled Zane so much that he jumped almost two feet in the air. "What?"

"Admit it!" Atticus yelled, this time striking the Perry Mason "you're guilty and I can goddamn prove it!" pose.

Zane cowered under the might of the mighty Perry Mason pose. "I don't know what you're saying!" he wailed. "Admit to what?"

Suspiciously, Atticus decided to prove his point. "Where were you last Monday night?"

Zane thought for a second, then his face paled. "Oh. That. Um."

Satisfied, Atticus stood back. "Well?"

Zane mumbled something very quickly. "Shackingyoursistersbestfriends."

Atticus opened his mouth, then realized what had just been said. Now it was his turn to be dumbfounded. "Doing what?"

Zane cleared his throat in embarrassment. "Shacking Jasmine. And Mindy."

"At the same time?" Atticus asked in awe.

Zane nodded.

Atticus' mouth fell open. "Holy crap, dude! That's amazing! How was it?"

"Listen, as much as I'd love to stay and chitchat, I really must be going to... study. Yes. Study," Zane murmured, and promptly ran down the hall away from Atticus as fast as he could.

"Huh. I was wrong."

Atticus was back to square one. Who else was brilliant enough to pull off the sex change? Probably not any of the teachers. No. Banner wasn't creepy like that. Crowler was kind of creepy sometimes, but he wasn't a student molester type. No, it was definitely a student. But who...?

---To Be Continued---

Yay, kind of long. Maybe. And... I thought it was slightly entertaining, right? Review. Please. I'm not going to bother threatening you... well, I COULD say that I won't update until I get twenty reviews for this chapter, but that's cruel, eh? So... yeah, the more people review, the faster I'll update, froods. Hasta luego, mis amigos.