Nyeee: I have nothing interesting to say. Except that I have three days of school left. Yippee! But then there are finals, which sucks balls... Damn school requirements...

Warnings: Language, one-sided JadenXChazz, violence, OOCness, dub names, o noes!

Disclaimer: I write this because I clearly have nothing better to do with my life. I sadly make no money off this. If I did, it would be slightlyillegal.

Chapter Eight: Innuendos

Atticus froze, glancing wearily at the massive chainsaw. It was coming closer... and closer... and even closer...

"Chazz, man, this is a really unfunny joke."

Chazz held the chainsaw above his head. "Joke? Ha. Was it a joke when you turned me into a girl? Was it a joke, Atticus? Because I missed whatever humor resulted from it."

Atticus scrambled backwards as the chainsaw nailed the floor and got stuck. "Chazz, I swear I would never strip a man of his dignity like that. Honest."

Chazz tugged at the chainsaw, and it finally became dislodged. "Bullshit. Let's see how funny it'll be after I strip you of your manhood. Bye, Atticus... hello Alice."

Perhaps it was the rush of adrenaline men get before facing (un)certain death, or maybe it was just incense from being called "Alice," but Atticus gained new found strength. Enough of it to scream like a little girl for help to the first teacher he could think of, anyway.

"PROFESSOR BAAAAAANNEEEEEER! EEEEEK!"

SMASH!

Chazz was having a day full of bad aim. Either that, or Atticus was just goddamn lucky.

Atticus liked to think he was lucky. Lucky enough that one of the teachers had heard his frantic cry for help. Maybe. Oh, he sure hoped someone had heard him...

The door flew open. Hopefully, Atticus glanced at the door, expecting to see Banner or Crowler standing at the door. Looks like his run of luck had, well, run out.

Or had it?

"Jaden!" Atticus cried, diving behind the perplexed Slifer boy. "Save me from your insane girlfriend!"

"Um..." Jaden looked down at the cowering boy, and pointed at Chazz. "Her? She's not my-"

"SAVE ME, YOU IDIOT!" Atticus shrieked.

"Er... How exactly-"

"Kiss her!"

"...Eh?"

"Kiss her, damn it! Kiss!" Atticus continued his maniacal shriek. "She needs love! She's a suicidal maniac who hates everyone!"

Suicidal maniac who hates everyone? Jaden thought, frowning. Sounds like someone I know... Wait... Chazz was a suicidal maniac who hated everyone, too... "Um. I don't think kissing will do any-"

"DO IT, YOU MORON!"

Jaden huffed. "Keep that up and I'll let her carve you like a turkey, Atticus."

Atticus shut up.

"Now, just to get one thing straight," Jaden said as if nothing had happened and Chazz wasn't weilding a chainsaw built to take out entire rain forests. "If I kiss her, she'll stop trying to kill you?"

Me, yes. You won't be quite as lucky. Sorry pal, but this is every man for himself. "Yeah."

"She won't try and kill me, right?" Jaden pressed.

"Nope." She'll succeed. There's no "trying" involved.

"All right. Here goes."

And with that, Jaden Yuki walked over to the girl who had stopped her attempted murder of Atticus Rhodes to fix the chain on the chainsaw, grabbed her by the shoulders, and pressed his mouth over hers into a long and passionate kiss.

Passionate for one side, at any rate.

Chazz merely stood there, frozen in utter shock, as Jaden shoved his mouth over half Chazz's face. The only sound Chazz managed to utter was "Hmphy fumph!" which was apparently supposed to be "holy fuck!" or something of the like, but was covered up by Jaden's mouth. For some reason, Chazz didn't knee the boy in the dick right there. He merely assumed that it was due to his utter shock and revulsion at Jaden kissing him.

Then he realized that it wasn't really all that revolting.

Then he almost threw up in Jaden's mouth for thinking that.

Then he remembered that he had major homework due tomorrow that he hadn't so much as glanced at.

Then he realized that it wasn't the time to be thinking about homework.

Then he realized that he had been in a lip-lock with Jaden Yuki for three whole minutes while he thought about homework, and he was slowly suffocating.

Then he realized that in those three minutes of inactivity, Atticus had made a bold getaway.

Damn it.

---

Chazz hid in his room for the next two days, not even leaving for food. There was NO WAY IN HELL that he was going to be able to so much as glance at Jaden, ever again. Or anyone for that matter. What was with him, anyway? Why did he have to come and kiss me like that? It was insanity!

Chazz didn't even know Jaden knew how to kiss, let alone like that. He slapped himself mentally. No, you can't think that way. Obviously, this whole "being-turned-into-a-girl" thing is obstructing your reason. You're just out of it. You're a girl - a rather hot girl - but that's not the point. Of course guys were going to hit on you.

But, Jaden! Chazz argued. Jaden! He's a moron! Why the hell doesn't he go back to hitting on Alexis?

Because he clearly loves your great personality.

You're going to die in about three seconds.

Then so will you.

...Shut up.

The conversation in his head went on like this for quite some time, before there was a knock on the door. Banner's voice, muffled, called out, "Charlene? This is the second day you've blown off class. I don't enjoy it when people ditch my class."

Damn it. Chazz dived under the bed. ...Or tried to, before he realized that the bed was about six inches off the floor. The resounding crash was sure to give his position away.

"Charlene, what on earth are you doing in there?"

Chazz could only think of one thing to do. He ripped off his clothes and dove under the covers on his bed. He grabbed his pillow and pulled it under the covers.

"Oh!" he cried in his best girl voice. "Ah, ah! Oooh! Yeah, uh, uh! Mmm... Uuuh!" He even bounced a little to make the bed squeak loudly. "Yeah, oh, that's it..."

Banner froze, his hand on the doorknob. What the-

"Oh, OH! MORE!"

On second thought...

Banner released the doorknob and backed slowly away. "I need to talk to Chancellor Sheppard about this..."

As soon as Chazz was certain that Banner was gone, he slipped out of his bed and pulled his clothes back on.

Close one, Chazz.

---

Jaden stared across the sea, legs dangling on the edge of the half-decimated pier and into the water. He wasn't sure why Charlene had just... stood there... while they were kissing. He had half expected her to knee him in the crotch, but she didn't. She almost seemed surprised. In a good way, too.

"Hey, Jay."

Jaden turned his head. "Oh, hi Sy."

Syrus sat down next to him. "You look preoccupied."

Jaden shrugged. "I dunno, I get weird feelings every time I think of Charlene..."

Syrus pushed his glasses up his nose. "What kind of weird feelings?"

There was silence from the other Slifer boy for a little while, and Syrus was fixing to ask the question again when Jaden finally replied.

"Like... my face gets all warm, and it feels like my stomach is twisting around," Jaden said with a worried frown. "Maybe I'm sick? I should get to the nurse."

Syrus grinned. "Nah, I think..." Dramatically, he pushed his glasses back up his nose and stroked his chin. "I think you're in love with Charlene Parkins."

Jaden choked. "In- In love?"

Syrus nodded wisely. "I think your raging hormones are telling you that you want to lay Charlene."

"Lay her where?" Jaden asked, genuinely puzzled.

The teal haired boy slapped his forehead. "In bed, silly! Where else?" Clearly, he didn't realize that Jaden thought Syrus really meant what he'd said - to lay her down somewhere.

"Is she sick, too?" Jaden asked, cocking his head, still utterly perplexed.

Syrus let out a weary sigh. "No, I mean... you know..." Syrus leaned his head closer to Jaden's and whispered dramatically, "Your body wants to have sex with Charlene's body."

"Sex? What's that?"

It took the better part of an hour for Syrus to explain what sex was, and another two hours to describe the reasoning behind it. When he'd finished, he let out a long sigh. "Got it?"

Jaden scratched his forehead in frustration. "I think so. Basically, I should go make children with Charlene?"

The loud GAAAH! resulting from this simple proclamation was loud enough to attract none other than the Love Master himself, who had, coincidentally, been taking a walk through the woods.

"Heeeeeey, wazzup?" Atticus asked brightly, placing an arm around both boys' shoulders.

"Atticus, thank goodness you're here!" Syrus exclaimed.

Atticus immediately released Syrus's shoulder and backed up. "I don't like that look."

"Jaden here doesn't understand the meaning behind sex," Syrus explained. "I explained it to the best of my knowledge, but... you know how it is better than I do, right?"

"I resent that," Atticus said.

There was an awkward pause.

"However true it may be," he muttered. "Fine, fine... Jaden, my boy, it's time to learn some pick-up lines."

"Pick-up lines?"

---

Chazz spent another day in his room, slowly starving to death. He could go get some food from the commons, but that would mean coming face-to-face with Banner, Jaden, and pretty much the entire dorm. He was positive that Jaden had told everyone about the "kiss." In fact, everyone in the school except Bastion Misawa probably knew about it - only because Bastion had been locked in the infirmary for the past three days.

There was a knock on the door.

Chazz whimpered and pulled his blanket over his head again.

"Hey, Charlene?"

Jaden. How can he even show his face here?

"Um, I just wanted to say... sorry."

Chazz listened.

Outside, Jaden was pressed on by Atticus, who had given him a notecard titled "Sure-Fire Ways To Get The Ladies." Jaden cleared his throat nervously and continued.

"I shouldn't have kissed you without warning - or approval - and I apologize for that. I also apologize for interrupting your attempted murder of Atticus, who everyone thinks should just drop dead of herpes - what are-?"

There was muttering outside the door, and Jaden went on again. "AIDS. Right. Anyway, I just wanted... wanted..."

Chazz was even halfway to the door to accept the apology (fortunately for Jaden, "Charlene" hadn't noticed the side conversations going on outside). That was before he heard the next part.

"I want to be your love torpedo."

...Great. Corny sexual innuendos, this is clearly the work of Detective Asshole the Retarded.

---To Be Continued---

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