Hallo: Augh, I'm stupid. I got a mere 1707 on my SATs. That is pathetic, and I will fail at life. See you at Burger King, my favorite reviewers.

Warnings: OOCness, one-sided JadenXChazz, dub names... yadda yadda yadda... And this chapter, Chazz will be known as Charlene. Head's up.

Disclaimer: -insert witty disclaimer here-

Chapter Nine: Testing

Jaden realized, almost as soon as the door was whipped open, that he had made a severe misjudgment in the case of Charlene Parkins. He wasn't sure what pissed her off - was it the fact that it was late, or was it something else? He racked his memory. Did I say something stupid? I don't think I did. Atticus told me exactly what to say, and he's a genius!

Charlene was wearing a horrible expression of utter rage mixed with the deepest of loathing. Atticus, from his spot in the bushes outside the door, wouldn't have been surprised if she had started spitting venom. Did Jaden say something stupid? I don't think he did. I told him exactly what to say, and I'm a genius!

Charlene's fingers were flexing oddly. Jaden got the feeling that she was itching to throttle him, and with good reason.

She was.

"Why are you here?" Her voice. Scathing. Evil. So... Chazz-like.

Jaden shuddered and shrank back from her Gaze of Utter Demise. "Ah..." He had no response. "I was coming to... a-a-a-a..."

"A what?" Charlene asked slowly, her eyes narrowing.

"A-ap-apo..."

"Apologize?" Charlene said in a calm, yet loud, voice.

Jaden cringed and shrunk back. "Yes! Yes, yes!"

"Yes, I knew that," Charlene replied. "You said that already."

"Um," was all that Jaden said. What else could he have said? "Oh yes, Charlene! Have I told you lately that I love you?" No. She probably would have hit him over the head with something large, blunt, and rusty. Like a pole or a sixth-century mace or something.

"And you also apparently want to be my 'love torpedo,'" Charlene went on.

"Er-"

"And now I have to ask you this." Charlene stepped outside and peered around. "Where's Detective Retard?"

"Who?"

Charlene scowled. "Atticus, you nimrod."

"Oh. Ah..." Jaden pointed at the bushes. "In there, I think."

In less than three seconds, Charlene had yanked Atticus out of the bushes, punched him in the face, and gave him a swift kick in the crotch. "You, sir, are an ass."

Atticus whimpered in pain. "So says my sister and several of the world's leading psychiatrists."

Clearly, the sector of his miniscule brain that created his witty remarks hadn't been affected by the pain. So Charlene kicked him again, just because. Then (ignoring Atticus's wails of pain) she turned to Jaden again. "Okay, if you're going to apologize, do it without Atticus's ghetto sexual innuendos. Because, contrary to what he believes, the said sexual innuendos are both retarded and overused. Like Atticus."

"Look, just because I can give multiple orgasms to the furniture just by sitting on it doesn't mean I don't understand what's going on here," Atticus objected, still lying on the ground, doubled over in agony.

"What's an-" Jaden began in confusion.

"Nothing," Charlene interrupted, shuddering at the thought of anything having an orgasm due to Atticus. "You were saying?"

Jaden opened his mouth and paused. "I... think I was going to ask you if you would accept any apology that I would happen to make for you."

Charlene screwed up her eyes as she tried to worm her way through the excessive pronouns. "Sure. Sure, now will you go away?"

Jaden shrugged. "Sure." He turned around, then stopped again. "Oh, and Chancellor Sheppard wanted to see you in his office as soon as possible."

Charlene scowled. "Fine." She headed off toward Sheppard's office with a feeling that death could not come too soon for her.

---

"Here's the test," Sheppard said without so much as a hello when Charlene entered his office five minutes later.

"Hello to you, too," Charlene said, slightly taken aback. "And test? What test?"

Sheppard sighed as if it were the most obvious thing in the universe. "Your dorm advancement test."

Charlene froze. "Right now?"

"No, next Thursday," Sheppard snarled. "Yes, now."

His reaction was very un-Sheppard-ish. Usually, he was either in a happy mood, a bored mood, or a grim mood - never snippy or rude. It took Charlene aback. "Sir? You okay?"

And with that, Sheppard flung himself forward onto Charlene's shoulders and started sobbing his life story into her shoulder. Apparently, Dorothy had refused him on a date offer, and instead went on a date with Dr. Crowler, and-

"Sir, I think you're overreacting," Charlene gasped, trying to push him off her. "I mean, Crowler's not that bad of a guy - unattractive, yeah, but..."

The door opened, and Professor Banner walked in. "Oh."

He saw Chancellor Sheppard smothering Charlene, and Charlene pushing at him. His immediate thought was Sheppard is raping Charlene! He squeezed Pharaoh in horror, and the cat meowed loudly.

"Um. Chancellor?"

Sheppard looked up through hazy eyes. "Lyman? What are you doing here?"

Banner adjusted his glasses and gave a small, embarrassed cough. "Ah, you asked me to oversee Charlene's testing?"

Sniffling, Sheppard rubbed his nose and pointed at the test. "Yeah, thanks." He ushered the two out of his office.

"Well, that was interesting," Banner commented as they walked back to Slifer Red dorm.

"No, not really," Charlene muttered.

"Yeah, you're right." Banner sighed, and the two were silent until they got to the dorms. Banner led Charlene to the common room, which was mercifully empty. "You have an hour."

Charlene sat at the table and wrote her name on the paper.

Question One:

Name a minimum of three types of Spell cards.

She snorted. If the rest of the test was that easy, she'd be in Ra Yellow before sundown. She wrote Quick-play, Field, and Equip on her paper and looked at number two.

Question Two:

What is one card you could use to negate the effect of "Emergency Provisions"?

---

An hour later, Charlene set the test in front of Banner. "Listen, I've had fun, but I'm afraid that test was the single most pitiful excuse for a placement exam that I've ever-"

"You're not finished, Charlene," Banner said, smiling.

Charlene frowned. "I'm not?"

Banner shook his head. "You have to pass the practical part of the exam before passing on to Ra Yellow."

Charlene sighed. "I have to duel you?"

"Goodness no!" Banner said, laughing, struck with sudden inspiration. "You have to duel Jaden Yuki!"

"NOOOOOO!"

---

Jaden was wearing his pajamas and a confused expression at 10:30 that night. Banner had dragged him out of bed and dragged him to the dueling arena without telling him why.

"Professor, why am I-" he began with a yawn.

"You're going to duel Charlene!" Banner announced happily, stoking an exhausted Pharaoh.

"I-"

"No, Professor!" Charlene wailed. "I don't want to duel Jaden! Can't I just... just... Can I duel Bastion Misawa? If I can beat a Ra, maybe it'll prove that I can be a Ra!"

"He's not here," Banner replied.

Charlene cringed. "Where is he, then?"

Banner adjusted his glasses again. "Misawa is in a psychiatric ward in... Canada." Was it Canada? Where's the poor kid from, anyway? "He'll be back once he's no longer mentally scarred for life, and can actually tell us what happened. Doctors suspect Atticus Rhodes is involved, as Misawa keeps repeating the words 'sex change, hermaphrodite, her, no, cat, banjo, pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconosis,' and 'Atticus' over again, in that order. So, without further ado, shuffle your decks and have a friendly duel!"

Shit! Charlene thought desperately. Jaden beat me twice, maybe other times I can't remember, possibly due to drunkness or a convenient lapse in memory... Anyway, it's his fault I got run out of this school in the first place! Granted, my brothers also played a huge role in humiliating me in front of the fuggin' world, but Jaden's the one who actually beat me. In retrospect, Misawa also beat me, so maybe it's not so bad that I'm not dueling him, 'cause I might get my ass handed to me again, but why do I have to duel Jaden? I seriously need to- oh no! I only have my "Chazz" deck! What if they figure it out, that I'm really Chazz Princeton? What do I do? Okay, I have to play it like a mere coincidence. Yeah, a coinci-

"Uh, Charlene?" Jaden snapped his fingers in front of Charlene's face. "You okay in there? I asked if I could have your deck."

"Yeah, hold on, let me... go to the bathroom. Really quick," Charlene said desperately, thrusting her deck into Jaden's hands.

"Okay," Jaden said with a shrug, shuffling them.

Charlene sprinted out of the arena. Instead of heading toward the bathroom, however, she ran to the Obelisk dorms.

I can't believe I'm about to do this...

---

Atticus looked surprised at his visitor. "My goodness, it's late at night and who do we have here?" He smirked suggestively.

"Keep it up, pal," Charlene warned. "Listen, I need..." She cringed, as if it were causing her physical pain to say it.

"Need what?" Atticus asked, barely suppressing a grin.

"A favor," Charlene said through gritted teeth.

Atticus laughed. "Oh, that's great. Wait, where's my recorder? I must record that. The great Chazz Princeton came to Atticus Rhodes for help? Boy trouble again, Chazzmeister?"

"No, more like..." Charlene flung her hands up. "I have to duel Jaden."

"When?"

"Five minutes ago."

"Ah."

"Can you help me get out of it?" Charlene asked desperately.

Atticus stroked his chin. "I think I can shut down the power, yeah."

"I had 'kill Jaden' in mind, actually..." Charlene sighed, and gave in. "All right, fine. Quickly."

---

Charlene walked into the arena five minutes later.

"What took you so long?" Banner asked, glancing at his watch.

"Oh, you know, stuff. Minor details, really," Charlene said evasively.

"Like what?" Banner said, not catching the evasiveness in Charlene's tone.

"Period? Did you have to go back for a tampon?" Syrus asked, a little too eagerly.

"Like I said, details, who needs 'em?" Charlene said loudly.

"Anyway, time to get your game on!" Jaden announced giddily. Then his face fell. "That's still such a retarded battle cry..."

"Do you need a moment?" Banner asked.

"Nah, I think I'll be okay," Jaden said with a sigh. "Can't be much worse than 'Chazz it up,' can it?"

"No," Charlene agreed. "Here, let me go first." She drew. "Excellent. I activate 'Power Goes Out,' an excellent spell card. One that will gain me a definite advantage."

"I've never heard of this 'Power Goes Out' card," Jaden said. "What does it do?"

"This!" Charlene held up her hands much like a football ref would when someone kicked a field goal.

And with that, the power went out.

---To Be Continued---

I have nothing to say. If you're not reviewing, not much I can say, is there? Except that you make me sad.