Chapter 22: Doubts

"Ow." Hermione rubbed her elbow tenderly as she stood up from beneath the table.

"Hermione, what are you doing?" Ron asked looking at her incredulously. Harry appeared at his shoulder sharing the same look.

"I'm, er, trying to…to find my Charms book," she stammered, trying to hide the red book from Harry's eyes.

"Charms book? It's there on the table." Hermione looked to where Harry was pointing to and groaned. And they say I'm the smartest girl of my age.

"Oh, there it is. I thought I dropped it under the table." She stood up and quickly hid the book beneath her jumper. Ron, however, saw it.

Harry sat down on the couch and closed started reading something in yesterday's Prophet while Ron sat casually next to Hermione.

"You're not going to keep hiding that, are you?" he whispered while pretending to read Hermione's Charms book.

"Can you stop making me feel like I've done something wrong?" Hermione hissed back.

"Think about it Hermione. In your hands is Lily Potter's diary and one of your best friends is her son," Ron paused and cringed. "Do you realize what you just got me saying? That sounds bloody stupid."

Shaking his head, Ron sat next to Harry and started talking about something called the Double Eight Loop.

"Do you realize I don't know what to do with this book anymore?" Hermione sighed and opened the journal.

May 14

Dear Diary,

I woke up really early today not really knowing where I was. It took me a few minutes to remember yesterday's happenings. Funny enough, my body barely ache. I guess Madam Pomprey is really that good. I wasn't allowed to be released yet, but since I was feeling much better than yesterday, she considered my reason of not wanting to miss any class a valid reason to not stay in bed. My elbow is still in a cast, most unfortunately. I guess I have to lengthen my robe sleeves if I don't want too much attention.

James, however, would not be released until the matron allows it. I managed to take a peek behind his curtain though. His head was bandaged and a healing bruise was on his chin. His wounds, much like mine, are only scars for now. I've never seen him without his glasses nor with his eyes close before. He looks like a baby. Ha! Too much for the great James Potter! But he looked too peaceful to be disturbed, as any noise could not wake him up. So, I just left. He would never wake up, I thought.

That is until I met the Marauders on the way out. So much for "nothing could wake him up". Madam Pomprey could take care of them.

Oh, I hear Sam coming up. I think she still hadn't settle that argument with Sirius from what I'm hearing. Oh, well, at least the worst I'm feeling is slight light-headedness (which I guess will turn into a headache when Sam comes in).

Lily

Hermione flipped the page.

May 14 (again),

Dear Diary,

I'm having dinner in a few minutes but I had to write this down. Those prefects were nothing but a nuisance. I just finished a meeting with them and I'm still seething. Apart from asking too many questions about what happened yesterday, those bloody Slitherins wouldn't do a thing I say! Just because I'm Gryffindor and a girl doesn't mean they shouldn't listen. Wait until James recovers, they'll see who's the boss.

Putting a couple of them in detention made me slightly better though,

"If anyone of you decides to be the next self-proclaim Head Student again, you'll not only find yourself in a similar fate but in far worse consequences," I said.

Hell, my wand was really sparking! Literally!

I'm going to ea dinner, maybe it'll make me feel better.

Lily

"Hermione, it's dinner time, get your nose out of that book before it gets stuck."

She looked up and glared at Ron menacingly who joined Harry and Ginny at the portrait hole.

When she caught up with them Hermione grabbed Ron's arm hard, "Can you stop making me feel guilty? It's getting on my nerves."

"Look who's talking here, isn't that mostly your job? To make us feel guilty? This time, I'm the one trying to show you what's right. So, we're even."

"I thought it was you who said it's not up to anyone if Harry should get the diary."

"Sure I did say that but it's not everyday I get to taunt you."

Hermione whipped out her wand and pointed it at Ron. "Leave me alone Ron or you'll find yourself Crookshank's next victim."

Ron raised his hands up in defense and eyed Hermione's wand warily, "Bloody hell, Hermione. I was just pulling your leg, I'm sorry. Don't get to that, it's scary."

She lowered her wand and continued walking. She knew he was just trying to annoy her, but how come it gets in her nerves all the time? Is it because she knew he was right?

May 15

Dear Diary,

I woke up today and my whole body hurts. So, I went to Madam Pomprey to get something to calm my nerves (I would have a meeting with the prefects again in the afternoon).

When I got up there, I saw James sitting up in bed reading a book (Quidditch, what else do you think?) bandages were all gone, except for a few plasters on his arms and neck. A steaming potion was on his bedside table, seemed to be untouched. He saw me immediately and smiled.

"Glad to see you haven't died yet," he said.

"Same here," I said sitting on a chair next to his cot, something I wouldn't do just a few months ago. "When are you getting out of here?"

"Miss me already?" he joked. I made a move to stand up but he pulled me back down.

"Lily, I was just joking. Soon I hope. I'm getting really sick of this place." He said this while looking at the matron collecting potion bottles from a cupboard.

I laughed. Surprisingly, my agitation for those prefects disappeared. I realized I didn't laugh like this since two days ago.

I took the steaming goblet from his bed side table, "I think you're supposed to drink this."

James looked at me like I was crazy. "Would you drink that if it was given you?"

I looked at it and cringed. I returned it back on the table.

"I didn't think so," he replied as he leaned his head back on the wall. He looked at me out of the corner of his eye. "So, how's your arm?"

"Fortunately, it's out of the cast." There was a few minutes silence before I broke the thick layer of ice.

"James, I'm sorry."

He looked at me puzzled, "For what?"

I sighed, "For this. I panicked and I didn't know what to do, but I –"

He cut me off after that, "Wait. You think what happed is your fault?"

I didn't know what to answer. So, I nodded slowly.

"Lily, it's much more mine than yours."

"What!" Before I could say anything morehe intervened.

"I brought you to that shack. If I didn't, then you wouldn't have been hurt."

"I wasn't able to help you. Nothing this bad would've happened."

"For Merlin's sake Lily, if it weren't for you I could have been tortured to insanity."

I opened my mouth to answer but he cut me off…again, "Lily," his hazel eyes, serious for the first time since this morning, "if there was anyone who caused it, it was Voldemort. It's not your fault."

There was a pause before he smiled, "Let's just forget it. If you really think you owe me, then I'm asking you to forget it."

I smiled back and heard a bell ring in the distance. Classes start in five minutes.

I stood up immediately knowing that I have to race down stairs and corridors in order not to be late for Charms.

"I guess I'll see you later," he said. I replied and then hurried out of the Hospital Wing. I arrived right on time to class. Sam and Wilma gave me questioning looks. I was too out of breath to answer. It wasn't until the class started that I remembered something.

I forgot to get the potion from Madam Pomprey which is the reason I went up to the infirmary in the first place.

Oh well, I guess I was feeling better since I was able to tumble down countless stairs. McGonagall is here, I'll write again later.

Lily

It wasn't until the night time that Hermione was able to read the diary again. Once she settled down, she noticed that she had only a handful of pages left. She had to decide what to do with the diary after she's done with it…fast.

May 18

Dear Diary,

Why is my life so frustrating? This is all Sam's fault! Well, maybe Wilma's as well. But if there's any consolation, they made me start thinking.

For the last few days, ever since what happened in Hogsmede, James and I had been close. They say that 'Difficult and traumatizing situations brings people together'. Maybe it's true. If this was happening months before, I would have shuddered in disgust. But James and I are "friends" now. Note that: friends. Nothing more!

That's where Sam and Wilma come in. Because of them, I couldn't look at James Potter straight in the eye anymore.

"You know, if I did something that bad to you, just say something?" James told me this morning.

"You didn't do anything to me, Potter," I said glaring at Sam's smug face.

He noted the last name.

"Maybe Prongs, you did do something, but something good and not bad, mate. I can assure you." I could have jinxed Sirius Black there and then for no reason at all. James looked at him questionably and shrugged.

Am I the only feeling tortured?

Anyway, this is how Samantha started it:

Since I've been spending more time with the Head Boy than before, Sam decided to bombard me about it.

"You know, Lily, if I'm not mistaken, you and 'James' are much closer than you and I."

"Don't be thick, Sam, you're my best friend. He and I are just friends."

"Oh, I think you misunderstood me."

It took me a few minutes to get what she was saying. When I did, I glared back at her.

"We are just friends, Sam."

She shrugged nonchalantly, "You know, just a few months ago, you two weren't even friends. And now look! Many things can happen, Lily."

"So you are saying that I will start liking him more than a friend. Is that it?"

She shrugged again, "Well, maybe you already do."

I threw a pillow at her face.

She giggled, "Lily, couldn't you see he loves you. What's missing is co-operation from your side."

I didn't answer her.

"I'm serious. He practically worships the floor you walk on."

I snorted, "That was the less-matured James Potter, back in 5th year or something."

"Exactly, the one who acts like an idiot to try to get you to go out with him. He was in love, Lily and he still is." She sighed dramatically. "And unless you forgot, you actually said yes to him for the first time."

I opened my mouth to answer, but I didn't know what to say. Instead, I stood up and snapped at Sam, "Fine, he maybe in love with me, but I'm not in love with him."

Despite the fact that I don't snap at my best friend everyday, she didn't care. In fact, she looked like she was enjoying herself.

I was about to sigh in relief that she didn't follow me out of the portrait hall when I met Wilma.

"Hey Lil's, where are you going and where's Samantha?"

I told her where Sam is but she didn't budge.

"Hey, have you seen James. I wanted to ask him about these new Quidditch tactics that I came up with."

"What makes you think I know where Potter is?" I spat.

"Look who's not in a good mood. What did he do this time?"

"He didn't do anything."

"I should have known, now that both of you are so close almost like a real couple."

I stopped in my tracks and glared at her. "You and Sam are both into this, aren't you?"

"Into what?" she said innocently, stopping as well.

"Making me think that I'm in love with James Potter?"

"Lily, I'm not saying that. But can't you see that the way you treat him is different now? So, think about it."

After that she walked away around a bend. I didn't follow her but instead just stood there thinking.

Alright, maybe I'm treating him differently. But that's because he's more mature, unlike the Potter back in 5th year. And also, as Remus said, I'm seeing the real James who I never gave the time of day.

Aaarrrggghhh! Even those stupid Marauders are into this. I wonder if James is. If he is, I'll kill him because I'm actually seeing him in a whole new light and he's going to destroy that. Oh, I didn't just write that.

I tried talking to Sam again about it, but it's still the same.

"Why does it get on my nerves all the time!" I screamed in the air.

"Is it because you know I'm right?"

My head is going to explode. I don't love James Potter. I don't love James Potter. I don't love James Potter. I DON'T LOVE JAMES POTTER!

Lily

NOTE: That's about it. Sorry for the corny post, I really didn't know what to write. I just want to show that Lily now is starting to like James a lot but still in denial that she really does. But she hated him before until they got close and stuff. Well, hope you get that. Please review.