Advice
"Heya!" To Lister's disappointment the boy instinctively flinched at the sound of his voice and stared at his book as if hoping that laser beams would jet from his eyes and set it alight. "My name's Lister. Dave Lister."
The boy scoffed, "My name's Bond. James Bond." Lister frowned at him. The boy eventually looked over the top of his book. "It was a joke. From an old series of films. Very popular in the late 20th century."
"I know, I got it. So, you like old movies, eh? Me too. Seen 'It's a Wonderful Life'?"
"No."
"Er, 'Scrooge'?"
"No."
"'Citizen Kane'?"
"Yes."
Lister was relieved to get a handhold at last. "Good, wasn't it?"
"Not really. I like war films."
"Oh, like 'Zulu' and stuff."
"Yes, I liked 'Zulu'," said Rimmer, though rather unenthusiastically.
"Yeah well, bare boobs, mindless slaughter and Michael Caine. What more could you ask for in a film?" Rimmer put his book down. "That's irony, isn't it?"
"No, it's steely. Like irony, but easier to clean."
"What do you want anyway? No one talks to me ever, except Porky, and that's how I like it. Just me and my book."
"Loner?"
"No, it's mine. The library has the comfiest chairs, that's all."
Lister chuckled and tried again, "So, what's your name?"
"Arnold Rimmer."
Lister drew in a whistle of breath through his teeth, "What about your middle name?"
"Judas," said Rimmer, and it was followed by another quick breath from Lister. "Got any nicknames? Besides 'Bonehead' I mean."
"None."
"Want one?"
"No! Look, is there something you want or what? If you want to beat me up then take a ticket."
"Hey, hey! What's with that?" said Lister, genuinely offended. "I'm new and I just want to make some friends." Rimmer stood up and thrust his book into his school-commissioned satchel. "Here's a tip, newbie. Choose your friends more wisely." And Rimmer once again walked away from a flabbergasted Lister.