A/N: Thank you so much to all of you who reviewed! I updated as soon as I possibly could to show my appreciation. On the down side, only 11 percent of people reading are reviewing, and sadly that is an improvement. After you read, please review this story, and then go review the other stories you read. If you've ever authored something you know how discouraging it is to watch the hit count rise and the reviews stay static. There are a lot of good stories out there. Maybe some aren't perfect, but there are things to be appreciated about almost all of them. And any small thing you like about a story, let the author know, it will mean a great deal to him or her.
And if you have "Move Along" by the All-American Rejects press play now.
How did he find me here? Hasn't he made today horrible enough?
Go ahead as you waste your days with thinking
When you fall everyone sins
They had started playing "Move Along" as I started to try and escape in the crowded club. I used to like this song but now it gets to be associated with having to run from Logan.
Another day and you've had your fill of sinking
With the life held in your
Hands are shaking cold
These hands are meant to hold
First, I hit him and yelled at him that he can't kiss me and the idiot kisses me again! And right in front of Ms. Burtonni. Then he was staring at me during lunch like a stalker and didn't stop until Zoey pulled him away. And why is he going off alone with Zoey all of a sudden? Is he doing this to her too?
Speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
Move along
Move along
And I thought he was with Zoey, but then out of no where he grabs me and pulls me into the men's room. I don't even want to think of what happened in there…just he has to stop.
So a day when you've lost yourself completely
Could be a night when your life ends
I snuck up to the balcony. Hopefully he won't come looking for me up here. Technically I can't be up here. Depending on what band is playing the club is open to minors, but the balcony never is since the bar is up here.
Such a heart that will lead you to deceiving
All the pain held in your
Hands are shaking cold
Your hands are mine to hold
If he finds me I may just have to hit him or kick him or something because he can't kiss me, not again, never again.
Speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
Move along
(Go on, go on, go on, go on)
Crap. How did he get up here too?
When everything is wrong we move along
(Go on, go on, go on, go on)
I pushed my way through the hoards of people to the balcony exit on the other side of the room. Once I got down stairs I started heading towards the back of the room.
When everything is wrong, we move along
Along, along, along
People stop singing along and MOVE! I need to get away. I need to get away.
When all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
And right as the song was getting louder again he came out of no where and kissed me. It was like that scene in that movie A Lot Like Love, the part where they're at that New Year's party and Ashton Kutcher comes up from no where and kisses Amanda Peet. The difference is that Amanda Peet's character wanted to be kissed and… I can't…he shouldn't be kissing me.
Worse than that, I shouldn't be kissing him back, not again, not ever, but I am. I'm kissing him back again. And I should be stopping it, but absolutely nothing is registering in my head. I know this song, I know right now it is at its loudest, but I hear nothing, nothing but the rapid beat of my heart. And maybe it's not just my heart because he molded me so close to him I can feel his too and it's just as fast. And with every beat of our hearts there is this pulse of pure pleasure that radiates through me further and further until my entire body is coursing with ecstasy.
So, my mind just isn't working and I gave in. His tongue quickly begged for entrance and I gave in. He held me tighter as his tongue expertly caressed my own. The crowds of people moving around us threatened to push us apart despite his tight grip, so I held on too. I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him back, made out with him back. And I really needed that extra support of hanging on because my legs were barely holding me up.
He pulled away and said huskily, "Goodnight Dana." And he let go, he looked thoroughly kissed, and he turned around and left. Or I thought he left. Everything started to get loud again, but then he was back and quiet returned as kissed me quickly. And he pulled away again and said, "Okay, goodnight for real this time. Sweet dreams Dana." He was wearing that smile again as he walked away.
And everything really did get loud again.
I'll keep you my dirty little secret (dirty little secret)
Don't tell anyone
Or you'll be just another regret (just another regret)
Hope that you can keep it
My dirty little secret
Who has to know?
Oh how appropriate.
I remained frozen in the spot he left me for the rest of "Dirty Little Secret", which was actually probably only a minute. I guess that means that we were…it lasted a little while. What if there were other songs in between "Move Along" and "Dirty Little Secret"?
I just…I didn't notice and…how long were we…? I can't even…this can't be happening.
Reality was crashing back into me like a tidal wave, inescapable and sure to leave a path of destruction.
I ran out of the club and miraculously I immediately found a cab to take me back to campus.
There's no denying it anymore. Logan kisses me and I kiss him back and I like it. Kissing him is…and I'm a horrible person. Sam is wonderful and I love him and now that he's not around I'm kissing someone else. Well, technically I'm only kissing back, I've never initiated anything and I'm never going to.
Part of me has always been attracted to Logan, so kissing him is…pleasurable, but it can't continue. The only reason it's continued so far is because he's taken me by surprise and…I miss Sam. I'm used to having him around to kiss when I want to kiss someone and to just be with. So, when Logan kisses me that lonely part that yearns for something physical kisses him back. And it's normal, it's perfectly normal to have those kind of physical desires. But just because the desire is normal, it doesn't make this any less wrong. That's what this is, it's wrong. And because it's wrong it can't happen again, it can't.
Tomorrow morning this ends. I'm just going to have to talk to Logan and tell him that this isn't going to continue. I don't really know why he's doing this anyway. Well, I was (and I still think it's the most believable reason) thinking that he kisses me because he wants someone to kiss and I'm just convenient. But then that sonnet earlier…he was just messing with me. Either that or he paid someone to write it for him and he didn't know any of the meaning. I know Logan doesn't do well in that class and that sonnet…Mr. Jensen thought it was good work, so Logan couldn't have written it. He just…he didn't know what he was telling me when he told me it was about me. It couldn't have been about me. Or maybe it was, but that was when he thought that the poem was just about attraction, because before the class dissected it that's what I thought too. And since he obviously had someone else write it for him that has to be what he was thinking too.
I can't keep thinking about this, it just makes me feel so much guiltier. But I should feel guilty because I'm a horrible person. I am, I'm a horrible person. I have kissed and made out with someone other than the guy I'm in love with. I'm completely horrible, completely.
It's just… I….it's ripping my heart out to keep thinking about it. Thinking about everything I…I'm on the constant verge of tears, but it's like I can't actually cry because I'm so freaked out and everything just keeps moving. I keep moving, I'm all jittery with guilt. And I have this throbbing headache and this constant feeling that I'm gonna throw up at any second. And that sick feeling just isn't leaving my stomach and it's in my throat too and my head, my head, the throbbing feels like someone's been beating me on my entire skull and brain and everything for hours. I just….I have to stop thinking about it.
There's really nothing in my room to distract me. I went over to 101, which was empty since Nicole had a date and I had left Zoey at the concert, and turned on the TV hoping it would tune out the growing guilt.
Of course the universe is far too cruel to let me forget about my greatest mistakes.
Zoey came in with Chase in tow and I was just who she was looking to find.
"Why were you kissing Logan?" Oh holy crap!
"What? What are you talking about?" I wasn't going to admit to it that easy.
"Oh, don't deny it. I saw you," Damn it, "You told me you weren't feeling well and told me to stay and have fun and then I saw you. You didn't leave because you were sick, you just went off to kiss Logan. Logan!" And she said Logan as if the thought of kissing him is disgusting. If only she knew how far from the truth that is.
Since I'm caught I guess I have someone to talk to about this. Maybe confession will bring comfort, "Yes!" I shouted, "Okay, I was kissing Logan. Well, actually I was just kissing him back. He keeps kissing me and…" I don't know what to say. "It's a reflex," it has to be, just a hormone induced reflex.
Zoey seemed worried and concerned. She sat down on the couch beside me. Chase was still standing awkwardly by the door. Zoey's next question was the billion dollar one, "Why does he kiss you?" I shrugged. What am I supposed to say because I'm convenient? And that has to be it that has to be the only explanation. Maybe Zoey could come up with some other reason, but I don't… that has to be it; I'm convenient. "Why do you kiss him back?"
Why is it so hard for everyone to understand that, "It's a reflex."
"What?" Am I not speaking English?
I restated, "It's a reflex."
"No it isn't," what?
"Yes it is," I insisted.
"No it isn't," she insisted.
"Yes it is," yes it is.
"No it isn't," What are we two?
"Yes it is!" I yelled now. How could ever tell me that it isn't? She's not me.
"No Dana, if you don't want to kiss someone you don't whether or not they're kissing you," that's what she thinks, but it's not true. It's not.
"Yes you do! Someone kisses you, you kiss them back," I set her straight.
"No you don't," she said stubbornly, but she could tell she didn't change my mind. She sighed and was silent for a second and then looked around and noticed Chase, "Chase kiss Dana." What!
"What!" Chase exclaimed reading my thoughts.
Zoey explained, "We need to show her it's not a reflex. So, kiss her."
"No offense," he said looking at me, "but no," he concluded to Zoey.
"Yeah, I'm going with no too," seriously I'm not kissing Chase. I have Sam and I don't need to add to the list of reasons to feel guilty.
"Then kiss me," Oh. My. God! I can't believe Zoey said that!
"What?" saying Chase is shocked is an understatement. He looks like his heart just stopped and it should have. The girl he's in love with just told him to kiss her.
"Fine, I'll just kiss you," Zoey said as she was crossing the room to him and continued to explain, "then Dana will see that you don't kiss someone back just because they're kissing you, you have to want to."
Chase put his hand out to stop her from getting any closer, "Zoey don't," he plead warningly avoiding her eyes by staring at the ground.
"What? Why?" Zoey asked completely oblivious and trying to get him to look at her.
Chase looked like he was having an internal battle, but he looked back up at her and said, "Because…it won't show Dana what you want."
This look of comprehension crossed Zoey's face and then both excitement and fear.
Wow. Well, this is incredibly awkward and I really shouldn't be intruding on whatever's going happen. And I really don't want to continue the conversation we were having. And I don't want my third wheel presence to be the reason this is stopped from finally coming out. I slipped out the door unnoticed.
I returned to my room, to the darkness, to the guilt, to the shame. Zoey and Chase were a nice distraction for a minute, but now it's all back.
And maybe Zoey and Ms. Burtonni and that annoying voice in my head have all been right. It's not a reflex. I don't kiss Logan back because it's a reflex, part of me wants to. But it's just that stupid part, that needy hormonal part, the part of me that really misses the physical part of mine and Sam's relationship, the part of the relationship that can't be fulfilled when he's across the country. That's it, it's just…physical want.
Zoey rushed into my room startling me. She's alone and she doesn't look very happy.
She's pacing, "D-Did you know…did you know that Chase…he loves me?"
"Yeah," I said cautiously.
"No" she said shaking her head, "Not in the friend way, but as in HE'S IN LOVE WITH ME!"
I have never seen her this freaked out, but I said honestly, "Yeah, I knew."
Her eyes seem to be permanently wide. She pleads to me, "Why didn't you tell me?"
"It wasn't for me to tell Zoey," and it wasn't, this was Chase's secret.
She sat down on the empty bed that was once Lola's. She looks hopeless and confused.
"What happened when I left?" I asked hoping that talking about it might make her feel better.
She was staring at the floor as if it had the answers as she told, "He said that I couldn't kiss him because it wouldn't show you what I wanted to show you. And I knew he was saying that he was saying that if I kissed him, he would want to kiss me back, but he wasn't really saying it and I asked him 'What?'. Then he came right out and said that if I kissed him he would kiss be back, because he would want to kiss me back. And I had to ask why. And he said because he's always wanted to kiss the girl he's in love with. And I just stood there…and he just…left. I didn't know what to do. I mean Chase loves me? Why does he love me? How could he be in love with me?"
"He always has been," she might as well know now.
"I always thought he was my best friend," she said with so much hurt in her voice.
I moved and sat next to her on the other bed and tried to comfort her as she started to cry, "He has always been your best friend, that's why he hasn't told you, he didn't want to ruin that." She just continued to cry. I can't believe this is happening. He told her. He told her! And she's crying?
I can't believe I'm going to ask this, but it's all I can think of to explain her reaction, "You're not in love with him?"
"I don't know," she said looking at me, her eyes showing that she was truly confused. "I know that sounds lame, but I…I've just never thought about it."
"I guess you have a lot to think about now," and hopefully she'll forget she saw me with Logan.
"Yeah," she said nodding as she wiped away some final tears. Since she was done crying I got up and put the tissue box back in its usual spot. She stayed on the bed and asked, "Can I just stay here tonight? I just don't want to go back in there right now."
"Yeah sure," I wouldn't refuse her, especially after a night like tonight.
The bed always has my extra set of sheets on it for whoever wants to crash there. We both laid down and tried to sleep.
After about ten minutes she asked, "So why do you kiss him back?"
Of course she couldn't just forget about it. But I decided I might as well tell her the truth, I kind of owe her. Talking to her about her problems took my mind off of my own and she deserves the same release. So, it's my turn to talk, "Part of me wants to. Sam's so far away and I haven't seen him in like four months and it's just…it's nice to be kissed. And I feel horrible about it, but it's stopping tomorrow. I don't' know why Logan's been kissing me, but it's stopping tomorrow."
"And you really have no idea why he's kissing you?"
I let it all spill out. My life is just such a mess, I can't contain myself, "I just have to be convenient right? I mean he's kissing me because when he wants someone to kiss I'm just there. But then that sonnet…he didn't really write it right? He couldn't have. He's never done well in that class why would he start doing good now?"
"Wait," Zoey said interrupting me, "Logan wrote that sonnet and he wrote it about you?"
"Yeah," I said cringing. I should have kept my mouth shut because I know what she's thinking.
"Wow," was all she said. Okay, that's not what I expected. But since she wasn't saying anything I certainly wasn't. I don't want to have this conversation anymore, I just want out.
The silence only lasted a couple of minutes before Zoey said, "Dana?" to make sure I was still awake.
"Yeah," I responded. I considered not responding and pretending to be asleep, but on the chance that she could see that my eyes were open, I decided to respond.
"What was it like the first time Sam told you he loves you?"
The first time…hmm….um…well…I can't remember. I don't remember the first time he told me he loves me. I guess we just tell each other so often the first time must have just blurred into them. Somehow I don't think that's what I should say now though. So instead I just said, "It was great, perfect, because I love him too."
She was quiet again. Twenty minutes later I heard her breathing change, she was asleep.
And an hour later I still wasn't asleep. My head was far from quiet.
That nagging voice kept saying things like, "The poem was about you," "It's not just physical," and "You should be able to remember when he first said 'I love you.'"
But the poem wasn't really about me, not in its true meaning. And it is just physical because I love Sam. And he says "I love you" all the time. The important thing is that he still says it now; it doesn't matter when he started.
An hour later and I was still mentally arguing with the voice in my head. I know that makes me sound insane and maybe I am, it'd be a nice excuse for everything.
Since I couldn't sleep I quietly got up and went to the roof in need of some fresh air. The roof of our building is kind of crappy so no one's ever up here. Though the other reason it's empty could be that it's two thirty in the morning.
I had only been up there a couple of minutes when a voice said, "So, no sweet dreams?"
Logan. What is he doing here? Actually, I don't care why he's here. It's good that he's here. I can tell him now that this thing is over and then maybe I'll finally be able to put my mind at rest.
I turned around to face him and to find that he was about only a foot away.
As I was about to tell him that he needs to stop he cut me off and said, "You're beautiful."
"What?" he can't seriously think that. I took off my make-up before I went to bed and all this heat has had me sweating for hours and my hair must be a mess because I've been tossing and turning in bed for the last two or so hours and…he just can't seriously think that.
He looked in my eyes as he closed the distance between us in one motion. His eyes on mine froze me and made me let him get closer and made me let him wrap his arms around my waist. He said again still keeping the eye contact, "You're beautiful."
Oh…I shouldn't be completely melting at that, but I am. It's just that I can tell when he's lying, like I could the other day with him getting up early to run, and I can tell now he's not lying. He thinks I'm beautiful. He really thinks I'm beautiful, just me, without any effort.
He leaned in and I closed my eyes. I knew that I shouldn't have, but…I'll just tell him it's over later. But he didn't kiss me like I expected, he just rested his forehead on mine and held me for a little while. Then he sighed, kissed my forehead and said, "Should try and get some sleep. I'll see you at breakfast." And he disappeared as quickly as he appeared.
I returned to my room, to bed, knowing that I was going to let him kiss me again. I was going to let him kiss me, but I wasn't going to kiss him, I wasn't going to be the one to initiate it so…nothings changed. It's just physical.
I got maybe two hours of restless sleep.
I nervously went to breakfast with Zoey and Nicole. He said he'd see me there and I kept wondering; would he try something in front of everyone?
We got our food, sat down at our usual table and were quickly joined by Michael, Chase and Logan. Our table is round. So, Zoey sat to my right, in between me and Nicole. Michael was next to Nicole, with Chase on his other side so that Chase and Zoey were separated, but that didn't make it any more comfortable. And that left Logan sitting next to me on my left, in between me and Chase. The table was silent with awkward tension while everyone tried to ignore that something had happened.
Suddenly I felt a hand in mine. Under the table Logan had taken my left hand in his right and intertwined our fingers. He's left handed so to everyone else it went unnoticed. He's holding my hand.
This isn't the first time we've held hands. Sophomore year I went to the gym to shoot some hoops, practice a little more, and he was there by himself. He was just sitting on the bleachers and he looked upset. I asked him what was going on and he said that his mom just called to tell him that his grandpa died. When he was little his parents were always working and instead of having a nanny he had his grandpa. They had been really close, but then his parents sent him to PCA and he didn't see him as much. And instead of being with him in the summers he started going to basketball camp or spending all his time with girls and friends and not his grandpa. He felt really guilty because he convinced himself that his grandpa thought he was a horrible neglectful grandson. I assured him that that wasn't true. The fact that he has a full life was not something that his grandpa would ever hold against him. But, to this day Logan doesn't like to be reminded of him. It was the saddest I had ever seen him. Of course Logan didn't want anyone knowing anything, he didn't want anyone's pity or sympathy. But I knew and I knew he shouldn't go to the funeral alone. He shouldn't have to go through it alone and he would need a friend. So, his parents got him out of school and I ditched to go with him. I sat next to him through the funeral and I held his hand. I didn't know what else to do. I wanted to show him that…I was there, so I held his hand, as support, as reassurance, as comfort. And he didn't let go. He just looked up at me and managed a small smile and looked away again.
I realized some things as he was secretly holding my hand. First, kissing him is this immensely shameful pleasure, this physical thing, but he isn't kissing me. He's holding my hand and that's not a hormonal induced thing, that's a real thing. He's holding my hand and that means the sonnet might have been real, it might be more than an attraction for him. Then the second thing I realized is I'm half way through my breakfast and I haven't let go of his hand. But it can't mean the same thing for me as it does for him, because I have Sam and I love Sam. This just has to be physical and it has to be over. But, I can't really cause a scene in front of our friends, so I'll just let go when breakfast is over.
A/N: Will she end it? If she does, how will Logan take it? And remember in my stories everything is important. Logan's grandpa, a seemingly unimportant detail when first mentioned, just turned out to be very important, and it's not the only thing that will have a come back. But, I have mid-terms so the next chapter will be a little while.
Make my weekend great and please review! Then if you're looking for some other good stories check my favorites on my profile, which I just realized I haven't updated in a while. So some stuff that comes to mind that I've enjoyed that isn't on there yet: Minor Incidents by LadyKatyUltimateFan, and Beach Party and If You Can't Take the Heat by lilyflowr33. So, go read and enjoy and review. Piece