A/N: Those of you who are actually reading this note are privy to some fun stuff. First, I made Sam's last name Lugner because it means liar in German. Just thought that'd be a nice touch. Oh, and if you were watching this play out on TV or in a movie and I was the director, during the locker room scene I would have Dido's "Who Makes You Feel" playing in the background. So, if you happen to have it I highly suggest listening to it. It makes it so much better.
IMPORTANT NOTICE AT THE END OF THIS CHAPTER.
Enjoy!
What the hell is going on with Logan? He's been pulling this kissing crap and other stuff and messing with my head and today I haven't seen him since breakfast. Well, I haven't seen him until now. He just sits down with everyone while we're playing a game like it's no big deal and like he hasn't been screwing with me. Well, I don't know what he's up to, but I'm just not going to pay any attention to him.
"Okay Logan," Zoey began, "Would you rather give up all of your money and all of your stuff and get to spend the rest of your life with a girl you're in love with or keep everything you have now and lose her?" I looked at him…it was a reflex…and everyone else was.
He quickly responded locking eyes with me, "I'd rather have her."
He's looking at me. He can't be implying…oh God…I can't breath. He can't. He can't. Oh God. Logan you idiot! You don't know what you're doing. He can't know what he's doing. He just can't do this. I can't do this. I can't…
They continued with the game and I looked away and got out my phone. He looked away too. I sent him a text telling him to meet me in the janitor's closet on the second floor in ten minutes. I got up and told everyone I had stuff to do and I left. He gave me as small nod; he's going to be there.
I headed up to the closet. I need to talk to him. I need to take Ms. Burtonni's advice.
I know after our last meeting who would have ever thought I would even talk to her again, but she surprised me with a meeting today and she made a lot of sense.
Flashback
"Dana I want to apologize for the direction I let our last meeting take. I didn't mean for anything to come out the way it did," Ms. Burtonni immediately began.
So I sat down. It's not like I really had a choice, I had to be there.
She continued, "I'm worried about you. You look very stressed." Well wouldn't you be? I've cheated on my boyfriend. I'm a horrible person. She continued, "I'd really like to help and I swear I am not on Logan's side. You're right he shouldn't kiss you when you have a boyfriend."
You know what, today has been a weird day and I'm here so, "No, he shouldn't be kissing me or any of the other stuff. And I shouldn't be kissing him back. But, I don't know…I'm attracted to Logan, I kind of always have been. But I'm in love with Sam and I feel horrible for kissing Logan back every time, but I can't seem to stop my self from doing it."
"Maybe you kiss him back for a reason other than attraction," what is she trying to suggest? She continued, "Maybe your boyfriend isn't being attentive enough now that he's gone so when Logan gives you the attention of kissing you, it fulfills that craving."
I wish but, "Sam calls at least once every day and not just to talk about the weather, but to ask me how my life is going, how my friends are, how classes are. And then other times he calls because he says he just wanted to hear my voice and tell me he loves me. So, he's still really attentive."
"Maybe you're getting revenge on Sam by kissing Logan back. Is there something Sam's done to upset you?"
Again, I wish but, "I don't think Sam's ever really upset me. He was supposed to come visit last weekend, but he had this massive paper and I understand. It wasn't like it was something he could control."
She was silent for a minute before she concluded, "Well, I can't come up with anything else. I don't know how to help you, but I want to help you." She paused and continued, "You said you don't want Logan to keep kissing you right?" I nodded. Logan can't keep kissing me. "Then the only thing I can think of to help you is you're going to have to talk to him. You're going to have to make it very clear that you don't want him. Logan seems pretty stubborn so you'll have to be very firm about it and it would probably help drive the message home if you don't kiss him ever again."
End of Flashback
And that's why I'm here in the janitor's closet waiting for him. I have to make him stop.
Although he kind of already did stop; he hasn't tried anything since he held my hand at breakfast. It's like he has mood swings. Yesterday it was like I couldn't escape him and today he was no where for most of the day.
Sometimes he gets a little weird on Wednesdays though. His grandpa died on a Wednesday. He wasn't really himself for a while after that. Then a few months later like the end of May of sophomore year he started being not really himself on Wednesdays. That was when we lost our first basketball game. It was just an off season scrimmage game, but it was on a Wednesday towards the middle/end of May and he wasn't himself and he didn't play like himself and we lost. It's rare for us to have a game on a Wednesday but we've lost every Wednesday game since then. I know it's because of his grandpa, well, I'm pretty sure because I can't think of anything else, but I never bring it up to him. He even still snaps at people who call him "Mr. Reese" sometimes. It's just not a good idea to remind him of his grandpa.
If this hasn't all been a joke though, I guess I'm about to do something else that's…no, he just can't be serious about any of this.
I didn't notice how dark it was in here until he came in and the light from the hallway suddenly disappeared with the shutting door.
Okay this is it. I took a deep breath, "What was that out there?" I impulsively decided to start with the present and work backwards.
"Just being honest," he said taking a step forward. I took a step back.
Damn it Logan. "Why have you been doing this?" I questioned as he stepped forward again and I stepped back. I was in the middle of the tiny room, but I'm nearing the wall now.
"Because I want to," he said taking another step forward and I stepped back to find myself up against the wall.
There's a little shred of light from this tiny window and in our new position I can see his eyes. I can see his eyes now and he's looking directly at me. I met his eyes and said firmly, "I'm with Sam."
He put his hands lightly on my hips and leaned in…Oh God he can't kiss me. He said right near my lips his eyes entranced by them, "Start acting like it."
That bastard! I am not the one who's been…he's not kissing me. He's not kissing me? Okay then I should get away because I'm strong so I can push around him.
He leaned in further. His body pressing against mine, but not crushing me, and his lips not touching mine but there's not much space. I think the only thing that could fit between them is a piece of paper.
Thank God. He can't kiss me again. He can't. I closed my eyes, relieved. We can stay here like this as long as he wants, but he's not kissing me again.
I can here him breath, uneven like I feel myself doing. I can feel his heartbeat, fast like mine.
Okay leave Logan. This has to end.
His lips are so close, so close. And my lips are tingling so bad, so bad.
This has to end. He needs to leave.
And his lips are just there testing me, taunting me, teasing me.
He has to go. He has to go.
Testing, taunting, teasing…and the tingling, the bad bad tingling.
Oh God he has to go. He has to…
Kiss me. Oh God…just…he…kiss me. Just kiss me. Kiss me. Kiss me. Kiss me! Kiss me! Kiss me! Kiss me! Kiss Me! Kiss Me! Just Kiss Me! Kiss me. Kiss me. Kiss me. KISS ME!
God help me I can't take it anymore. I closed the miniscule distance between our lips. He immediately started kissing me back. Kissing me back; kissing me back because I kissed him. I kissed him.
The sweet innocent kiss was quickly ended when the janitor came into his closet and I came back to reality. I shoved Logan off of me and hurriedly left.
I kissed him. I kissed him. This was never supposed to happen. And this definitely can't keep happening.
There must be something wrong with me. I must have some hormonal imbalance or chemical imbalance or something because I love Sam and I do not want to cheat on him.
I started walking towards the lake. Hopefully he won't find me out there and I'll be able to think and figure this out.
I sat down on a bench under a tree near the lake's edge and my cell phone rang. If it's Logan I am not answering. But it wasn't Logan it was Sam.
"Hi," I tried to greet warmly and like nothing was wrong.
"Hey beautiful, how was your day?" and he actually sounds interested and so sincere.
"Good," I lied, "had a meeting with the guidance counselor."
"She helping you find a school near me?" he asked hopefully.
That's not exactly what we talk about. We talk about how I'm kissing another guy. I started to stutter, "I…well…"
"Cause you know you have to go somewhere near me. I miss you too much to have you be far away from me ever again," he has to stop with this. I feel so guilty. I should feel so guilty.
"Of course I'll be near you," it's where I belong. It is. What I have with Sam is real and Logan has been…thrilling, but wrong, completely wrong, just physical, and not real.
"You know if you find a school close enough maybe we could live together in a town that's convenient for us both and maybe your name could change to Mrs. Sam Lugner?" he suggested hopefully again. Oh this guilt is really getting to me, I feel like throwing up.
"We'll see," I told him again. I know it's not the answer he wants, but…we'll see.
I think I'm going to be sick. And then I noticed my watch. I have to go. "Um, I have to go. I have to get to practice so I'll talk to you tomorrow."
"Okay. I love you," yeah I'm definitely going to be sick.
"Yeah, love you too," I said hurriedly and hung up. I 'm gonna be sick.
I rushed to the locker room because I felt so sick and I needed to get ready for practice, practice with Logan. I have to practice with Logan. My life sucks.
When I got to the locker room I started getting changed and was almost done when I noticed I didn't get sick like I thought I was going to, I felt fine. Well, I felt fine except for the extreme dread of seeing Logan.
Logan, I kissed Logan. I love Sam. Sam misses me and he wants to marry me. He keeps talking about marriage and the future and spending the rest of his life with me. And what I have with Sam is real and Logan…Logan is just a jack ass who decided to start kissing me when he knows I'm in love with someone else. Logan is the guy who is ruining my life. I was fine, I was happy and he's just ruining everything.
I got out to the court and the entire team was already there, Logan was already there. He saw me and started smiling. The nerve of him! I scowled in response.
The team was broken in to two sides for a practice game. I was on one team; Logan was on the other team.
I wanted to make it very clear to him that I'm not at all happy about what's been going on and as soon as practice is over I'm going to tell him. So all during our practice game I played rough with Logan. Every time I could I discretely hit him or shoved him and one time when the opportunity presented itself I stomped on his foot. Just like old times. And just like old times I hate him again. He's ruining my life.
I glared at him as practice ended and headed back to the girls' locker room. There's only two girls on the team, me and Zoey. I'm the only one in the locker room because Zoey didn't come to practice. I guess she didn't want to be around Chase, but Chase didn't show up either.
Since I was extremely hot because practice is always a work out and we're still going through a horrible heat wave, the first thing I did once I got to the locker room was go to the sinks and wash my face.
The water felt so good, but when I looked up again I saw someone in the mirror that instantly made me feel so bad. Logan. Okay I can do this. It ends now.
"What are you doing here?" I demanded without turning around to face him, just looking at him in the mirror.
"We were interrupted earlier," he said as he came closer.
If he thinks we're going to pick up where we left off he is completely wrong and I need him to know that. I have to end it. I turned around and said, "It's over Logan. All of it, it's over. Just…deal with it."
He's three feet away and thankfully he's not moving any closer. He looked…hurt, but he said, "It's over? I don't think that's what that kiss meant."
Asshole! That really pissed me off. I snapped my voice shuddering with fury, "No Logan that's what every shove, every hit, and me stomping on your foot meant."
He looked away and he looked crushed. What am I doing?
I added, "I love Sam."
He scoffed and looked at me. Then he got this determined look in his eyes and he came toward me quickly. I didn't have time to move, to react, to think. He crashed his lips on mine as he grabbed me roughly, possessively. He was kissing me bruisingly and I didn't care at all because as usual I was kissing him back. Just, once he starts, I can't stop. I can't stop it.
He kissed me passionately as his hands grabbed and roamed. His hands sliding underneath my shirt onto my bare back caused me to gasp slightly in surprise. And my slightly open mouth as a result of the gasp gave him the opportunity to slide his tongue in, which of course he did.
He always tastes…right. Not like he just ate a bunch of breath mints and not like any gum, but like him. Kind of bitter sweet and that's just perfect for him, it's just like him. For the things he does, I can completely hate him but then he can also do things that are so sweet.
He continued to kiss me hungrily, kiss me like…I pulled him closer, my arms tightly wrapping around his neck and my right hand exploring his hair and for all of the product he uses it's surprisingly soft and clean feeling.
I made involuntary moans of pleasure. I found my self smiling and kissing him more, desperately more, when I heard him doing it too.
His hands traveled down and down until they roughly grasped my thighs and lifted me up and perched me on the sink so I was level with him. The cold porcelain sink burned my hot skin like ice. To keep my balance on the sink I had to open my legs and of course he stepped between them. But I still didn't care, I didn't care at all. I didn't care what he did as long as he kept kissing me.
His lips left mine to devour my neck. Every millimeter of skin he touched or kissed felt…ablaze...and awakened.
Did something just hit my head? What…oh that feels good. Don't stop.
We continued to make out gasping, moaning, and caressing until suddenly there was a deafeningly loud siren and water, lots of water. The fire alarm went off quickly followed by the sprinklers.
Being completely soaked and the ear piercing noise brought me back to reality again. This is wrong. I can't be doing this. I shoved Logan off of me and ran away again.
As I got out the door of the gym a hand grabbed me.
"You owe me," Zoey said to my confusion.
"What?" I questioned.
"I just faked a fire to get you away from Logan," What! I'm shocked. She continued, "You said yesterday that you wanted to end things with him and you told me that again after you saw Ms. Burtonni. Then I find you heavily making out with him. I clear my throat you two don't notice. I yelled at you, you don't notice. I threw a pen I found at your heads and it did hit both of you and you two didn't notice. If anyone finds out that I pulled that fire alarm, you so owe me."
She is a great friend. Zoey never breaks rules, but she just did something so not her just to help me. And thank God she came. I don't think…I don't think I would have stopped if she didn't. As horrible as it sounds, I think it's true. I can't stop with him.
I hugged Zoey and thanked her repeatedly and told her I'd do anything she wants me to do as a thank you to her. She didn't even pause to think about what she wanted. She said immediately, "Okay, then you have to tell me honestly what that was like in there because I think that was the hottest thing I've ever seen. It looked like a scene from….oh um never mind. Just, what was it like?"
"No, what were you going to say?" she seemed hesitant to respond, but I really wanted to know what she wasn't saying. I prompted, "A scene from…"
"Unfaithful," she finally completed. "I'm sorry I wasn't thinking. I didn't mean…"
"No Zoey it's okay," I interrupted because she right, "you're right. I've been unfaithful." I stopped and sat down on a bench we were walking by suddenly feeling like I had no idea where I was going or what I was doing. I continued honestly as Zoey asked, "You saw what you had to do to get it to stop. I can't stop myself with him. He kisses me and…I can't stop him."
Zoey sat down next to me and asked, "What does it feel like when he kisses you?"
Honestly…I'm completely awful because when he kisses me, "He can curl my toes with just a touch. Make my knees weak with a single graze of his lips on mine. And make me completely forget my own name with a real, deep kiss. And that's why I can never stop it. I think it's the most pleasure I've ever felt and I just can't think when he's touching me or kissing me. And if I can't think how am I supposed to stop it?"
"I don't think that you can let it start if you want to end it," Zoey offered, but I've tried that.
"I tried that and he started anyway. Right before he kissed me this last time I told him it was over, I told him I love Sam. I love Sam and he kissed me anyway," Why is Logan doing this?
Zoey seemed to need clarification, "So you said you love Sam and then he just kissed you?" I nodded. "Well, I guess if you really want him to stop you'll find something to give you strength around him and somehow make him understand that you really want it to stop."
"I guess," I said hopelessly. If telling him it's over and I love Sam doesn't work I don't know what will.
We headed back to our building to our rooms. I went to take a long shower to try and feel clean again, but I couldn't seem to feel clean again.
I've kissed him back, but today was different, I kissed him. I kissed him and if people didn't keep stopping us I wouldn't have been the one to stop us from…I don't even want to think about it. I'm awful. I'm awful. I'm awful. I'm such a horrible person. I don't deserve Sam.
Sam, when I got back to my room after my long shower, he had left me a message.
He said, "Hello love, I have a surprise for you. Now, I was going to wait, I bought it along time ago, but after we talked earlier, I just can't wait anymore. I wish I could be there to see your face when you see it, but I just couldn't wait any longer to give it to you. So, there a little secret compartment on the bottom of the jewelry box I gave you last Christmas and the surprise is inside. So, go find it and then play my next message."
He's so sweet and thoughtful and I don't deserve him at all.
I found the compartment easily, I can't believe I never noticed it. I opened it and found a ring. A very pretty white gold ring with a tiny little diamond in the center was what was hidden the my jewelry box, it's what Sam couldn't wait to give me.
I quickly hit play on my answering machine, "It's a promise ring. I've wanted to give it to you for so long. I know you keep saying 'we'll see' but I know we belong together and were going to be together forever. And I hope you wear it because I love you and I'll love you forever and if you wear it then you know it too. You know that you love me and you'll love me forever. And…um…I hope you wear it. I love you. I'll talk to you tomorrow. Bye."
That's it. This ring is a sign. It's my answer; it's the thing that will give me strength. It will get Logan to back off.
I slid the ring on my left hand ring finger and just stared at it there. Then everything just felt overwhelming and I started crying. I haven't cried once since this whole horrible mess began, but I don't know, I guess I couldn't take it anymore. I just can't take any of this anymore. I can't handle the guilt. Sam, I belong with Sam. Logan is just physical.
"It's not just physical for him," that horrible voice in my head intrudes.
And that can't matter. It can't matter what it is for him, because for me it has to be over. I'm with Sam, I'm with Sam forever now. Logan will see that, he'll see the ring, he'll see my commitment. He'll see that it's over as soon as I can get myself to stop crying. I'll stop crying and I'll try to make myself look like I haven't been crying and then it's over with Logan. It's really over, that's what wearing this ring means, it's over, forever it's over. Goodbye Logan.
A/N: Okay so I think you can see what the next chapter will be about. We have yet to reach the climax of this story. And I'm not completely sure of the length but it will probably be around 16 chapters. Don't get discouraged and don't hate me because this story isn't over.
IMPORTANT NOTICE: So, every new chapter gets a few hundred hits within its first week and only the same people seem to be reviewing. Now those people are FANTASTIC! I seriously cannot put into words how much I appreciate them, but there's a ton of you who aren't reviewing and it's extremely discouraging. It kind of makes me lack the motivation to find time to write. I seriously have an incredibly busy life. I'm lucky if I get to sleep more than three hours in one night. And I hate to make threats, but I guess I'm resorting to threats because if more of you don't start reviewing I'm probably going to start sleeping during time when I would have been writing. And that means that updates will be very rare. And if you're reading other stories and you have any kind of thoughts on them I encourage you to review them too, after you REVIEW THIS STORY! Either way though, thank you for reading, I really hope you're addicted to this story.