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Hint of things to come: I believe in the saying, "A dream is a wish your heart makes."
Warning: By definition a climax in a literary work is the turning point. This chapter is that turning point, but the story is far from over. Be sure to read the long note at the bottom it is very important.
As soon as I got back to my room after school I took off that damn ring. I think whoever sold it to Sam must have lied to him and it's not really white gold because I think I'm breaking out in a rash. I just had to get it off; it's been annoying the hell out of me all day. Hmm…there's not really a rash there…maybe I just need to get used to having a ring on that finger, it's just awkward right now, I'll get used to it.
With the ring off, (I'll get used to it later), I laid back down in bed. I didn't get much sleep last night. I was crying, uncontrollably, for a while.
I don't know why and I don't want to know why, but ending whatever that thing was with Logan was one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. Maybe it was the look on his face, like I was causing him so much pain with ending it…and no one ever wants to hurt a friend right? That's why it was so…horrible,…heart wrenching, to end it. That has to be why, nothing else is…acceptable.
It is over though. It's definitely over. I haven't even seen him today.
I wish I knew why he started the whole thing…no actually I can't know why, I just need to forget about all of it. I need to forget about the way it felt when he touched me, kissed me, held me, was absolutely anywhere near me; how amazing and…no, no, no, no, no. I can't…I just can't…I'm with Sam.
I need to see Sam; maybe then everything will just go back to how it was before. I am going to see Sam, two weeks from tomorrow which will be the day after Thanksgiving. Hopefully the heat wave will be over by then too because I don't know how much more I can take of all this. Seeing him just can't come soon enough.
I may not feel the same way after I see him though. Well, actually, it's not me that I'm worried about changing, it's Sam. Next time I see him I'm going to have to tell him about Logan and just hope that he forgives me. I know I shouldn't wait, but I don't want to tell him over the phone, it just seems extra cruel that way. It's bad enough that I…cheated on him, which I still can't believe I'm even capable of doing that, but I did it, I cheated on him and the only way to make everything okay again is to stop it, which I've done, and tell him. Hopefully he forgives me, but I kind of hope he doesn't want me to wear that ring. It's just so annoying to wear and maybe I can't see the rash yet, but one will probably develop. I could have sworn it was burning my skin earlier.
Maybe he should take back the sentiment of the ring too. I mean…I just don't want to decide…the rest of my life right now. I don't want us to end; I just don't really want to promise forever, not yet. I mean I'm only seventeen and forever is a long time right now. I'm wearing the ring though. Well, I'm not wearing it at the moment, but I have accepted it. It's just that he wants me to wear it, he wants me to make that promise, and I've cheated on him and accepting it is the least I could do. I need him to forgive me when I tell him about Logan, so I had to accept the ring; I have to show him that I'm sorry. And I am really sorry because Sam is a really great guy and he doesn't deserve this. He doesn't deserve a girlfriend who cheats on him and after two years still isn't ready to…go all the way. I know, I know, he's great and patient, but even with the ring I'm not ready for us to…it just doesn't feel right. I think I just have major intimacy issues. And Sam doesn't push; he's so patient waiting for me to work through my issues. Even if the idea of marriage kind of freaks me out right now, I owe him wearing this ring; he's been so good to me. So, after he hopefully forgives me, if he still wants me to have the ring, if he still means it, I still have to wear it.
I wish Logan would have shown up to class today though. I don't think I'd feel as awful as I do if he was there, if I saw him okay. But, he didn't come to English or chemistry and no one's mentioned him to me all day and I don't know if he's okay. I need him to be okay. But, he didn't come to English or chemistry and no one's mentioned him to me all day and…I don't think he's okay.
And the thought of that, the mere thought of that, and I can feel the tears behind my eyes again. The tears, they shouldn't be there, this is his fault. He kissed me when he knew that…I can't…and he started all of this. I shouldn't feel so terrible for ending what he started, what he brought on himself, but I do; I feel absolutely…crushed.
I just need to see that he's okay. I wish I could see that he's okay. I wish I could get up and go find him and see him okay. But, I'm with Sam and I just can't do that.
Then that oh so annoying voice inquires, "But you want to see him?"
Yes, I do. I know that that's probably wrong because I'm with Sam, but it's the truth. I don't know why I want to, but I do. It doesn't even matter that I want to or why I want to because I'm not going to. I may want to see Logan, but I'm with Sam, and the right thing for me to do is not see Logan, so I'm not going to.
Someone knocked on my door and I'm too lazy to get up so I yelled, "Come in."
"Hey," Zoey said coming in and sitting on the bed that was Lola's. "Are you feeling okay?" Jeez, just because I'm in bed in the middle of the afternoon does not mean there is anything wrong with me. Hasn't she ever heard of naps?
"I'm fine, just tired," I replied shortly.
"Okay, I just need to talk to you really quick," so Chase did tell her about last night, I knew he would.
She's probably just going to tell me that I'm doing the right thing, because I am and I know cheating definitely isn't in her moral code so I'm ready to accept her support, "Okay."
"You said Logan's name last year at Larry Goldberg's party when you were making out with Sam," I did not! Well, actually, I kind of did, but I was drunk, it did not mean anything. And how the hell does she know? Please don't tell me that I'm actually going to have to go through with that threat to castrate Jeremy.
Okay, talking back, right, "I was drunk, it was no big deal."
"It was a big enough deal for you to break Jeremy's jaw," damn Zoey.
This can't be happening, "Look Zoey, all of that is in the past and it doesn't matter. I'm wearing Sam's ring for good." Oh crap, I'm not actually wearing the ring, it's on my dresser.
"You're not wearing the ring," why oh why did she have to notice? And why does she seem excited at that?
"It irritates my skin," the rash will appear…eventually. Why is she even bringing any of this up? She's not volunteering any information so I asked, "Why did you come here Zoey? Was it just to mention something that was in the past and doesn't matter?"
She came and sat next to me on my bed as she said, "No, I came to talk to you about something that's in the present that does matter."
"Well then why even bring that up?"
"Because it's what I came to talk about," either I'm incredibly confused or she's suggesting something insane. She must have caught on to my lack of comprehension and explained, "I would believe you when you say that saying Logan's name didn't mean anything because fantasies are normal and Logan's hot, so no big deal," exactly, so why are we talking about it? "But you broke someone's jaw to make sure no one else ever found out, that means it means something. Yesterday you ended things with Logan and I don't think that's what you wanted."
"It's what's right. I'm with Sam," this is just the way things have to be. And anyway, she's wrong, "And just because I hit Jeremy doesn't mean it meant anything. It just meant that that jerk could have made it seem like it meant something and I didn't want that to happen. You know how I hate it when people try to exert some kind of control over me and he was trying to blackmail me with knowing that meaningless information, so I really didn't have a problem with hitting him."
"If you hate people control you so much then why do you let Sam control you?"
"What?" I have absolutely no idea what she's talking about.
"He gave you a ring that promises marriage at some point and you just accepted it. You didn't fight it, you didn't question it, he wanted it so you're doing it, but you don't want it. You're letting him dictate what your future is by doing whatever he wants," Zoey argued.
She's right but, "It's not that simple. You're right; I don't want to get married. I absolutely don't want to become Dana Lugner like he wants, but I owe him. I've cheated on him and no I don't want to get married and I don't want to change my name, but I don't want us to end. So, right now it's just to show him that I'm sorry. And you know just because I accept it doesn't mean anything has to happen anytime soon. And eventually if it comes to it I'll let him know that I don't want to change my name. But for now, when I'm trying to show that I'm sorry, I need to do what he wants."
"What about Logan?"
Logan, I really can't think about Logan anymore, because when I think about Logan I think things that I shouldn't be thinking about Logan, things that I can't be thinking about him. "Logan was a mistake," I told Zoey, because I'm with Sam so he has to be.
She took my hand and said sincerely, "Dana you're one of my best friends and I just want you to be happy so I'm going to tell you something and I'm not going to argue with you about it and I'm not even going to badger you with bringing it up ever again, I just want you to listen and think about it. Okay?" I nodded not having any idea what she could be so serious about. "Yesterday you told me how it makes you feel to be with Logan and I wasn't sure if it really meant anything. I thought Logan was maybe just like a real life Mc-Steamy, but then this morning Chase kissed me," she said smiling bigger than I have ever seen her smile, "and I kind of felt the same way about him. There were lots of enormous sparks and that means something. It means that if I would have passed up the chance to be with him then I might have been passing up the right guy. But, I didn't pass it up, I'm with Chase and I have a feeling it's going to be for a while. I don't want you to pass up something right either. I know you're with Sam and cheating is wrong, but you can't control when you meet someone that means something. I think Logan is someone who means something for you and for the sake of your happiness I think you owe it to yourself to find out exactly what he means. Now, I'm not going to argue and I'm not going to bring it up again, I just want you to be happy and I don't want you to have doubts. So, I hope you figure out what Logan means to you and what Sam means to you and whatever you ultimately decide, I hope you're positive in that decision." She gave my hand a slight squeeze, stood up and headed for the door. Before she went out she turned around and said to me, "Dana, just trust your heart, I'm sure it will lead you in the right direction. Mine has always eventually gotten me exactly where I'm supposed to be and I'm sure if you let it your heart will lead you in the right direction too." And she left.
I know that when I nodded my head I was agreeing to think about whatever Zoey was about to tell me, but if I knew that that was what she was going to say, I would have never agreed to think about it because…I can't.
And I absolutely cannot handle any of this right now. I've made decisions…and it's not that easy, they can't just be forgotten and undone. Even if I wanted…I can't, I'm with Sam. I can't just suddenly change my mind, it wouldn't be right. Everything about my life right now seems incredibly messed up and I feel like I can't even think, but I hope everything will just go back to normal if I keep trying to just do what's right.
Doing the right thing means staying away from Logan. So, four o'clock passed and I was still in my room, still away from him. Five o'clock and I'm still in my room, still doing the right thing. Six o'clock and I'm starving, but I have to stay. I can't go out to go to the cafeteria, because at this point I don't trust that that's where I would end up. Seven o'clock and I'm still in my room, thankfully I had remembered the left over pizza in my refrigerator, so I'm still doing the right thing. Eight o'clock and I went to the door because I could move on if I just saw him okay, but I went back and sat at my desk because leaving would be wrong. At eight forty-seven there was a knock at my door.
I ran to my door and rushed to open it and oh thank God its Logan, I missed him so much. No, no, no, I did not just think that. He can't be here. This is wrong, very very wrong and he has to leave.
"Yesterday I heard what you had to say and now I need you to listen to what I have to say. After I'm done though, I'll do whatever you want, even if you still want me to leave you alone. So…um…can I come in?" he said looking adorably nervous.
"Yeah," I immediately replied as I realized that I needed to say no. This is wrong he can't be here. Still, I moved out of the doorway allowing him to come in. He brought in what looks like a gift bag with him. I shut the door behind him and immediately realized that I probably should have left it open, but still, I didn't go back and open it.
I joined him in the middle of my tiny room as he gently set the gift bag on my desk. Three feet between us…that's a safe distance right?
"Well," I prompted for him to talk, but I'm not exactly prepared for this. Whatever he says I still have to stick with my original decision so…okay, this just can't have an effect on me.
He met my eyes and so starts the effect on me. I crossed my arms over my chest like I was trying to hide myself because he sees too much. He needs to look away, I need to look away, but neither of us did as he began, "I would do anything you would ever want me to do," oh no, he can't say things like that, he can't, "and if you really want this to be over then it'll be over," no, what? I meant yes, it has to be yes. "But if its over and everything is going to have to go back to the way it was before, if this is my last chance to be completely honest with you then I've got some things to say." Oh no, I'm in big big trouble and I shouldn't listen to this, I should leave, but…I really don't want to leave.
He took my lack of protest as a sign to continue and continued, "If everyday from now on I can't tell you exactly what I think then I have to tell you now that everyday, at every moment, you're drop dead gorgeous. Wearing anything, after the effects of any kind of weather, with or without cosmetic enhancement, just you, you're stunning. You're that kind of beautiful that makes me forget what I was thinking when you walk into a room, though ninety nine point nine percent of the time I was already thinking of you. So, if I can never tell you the truth again, know that you're always, always gorgeous to me." He's…yeah, I'm in deep deep trouble. And I still know I should leave, but…I really really don't want to leave. This is absolutely completely wrong and I'm not sure I…I'm not sure…I care. But I have to care, he just has to finish and leave and everything will be fine.
He reached for the bag and said, "I got this for you a while ago and I didn't know when was the right time to give it to you…so I just haven't. Um… here, I'll…because it's breakable," he said as he reached into the bag and delicately pulled out…glass flowers. Red roses and white lilies, they're so familiar. "Every time anyone ever gave you real flowers you would have that fake excited smile of yours on and then last year when we went to the mall together to find something to get Chase for his birthday I saw you stop and look at these so I went back and bought them. You seemed to like them and I wanted you to have them, so…" he drifted off not knowing what to say. So Logan is standing before me gently holding a bunch of glass flowers in his hand, this is just like that reoccurring dream I've had.
Right so he seems to be waiting for a response. Well, I know what comes next in the dream…
In two swift steps I closed the distance between us. I stood up on my tiptoes and placed my hand lightly on his chest for balance as I gave him that same quick kiss on the lips as in my dream.
I let my feet hit the floor flat and my hand fall from his chest and he stood looking at me completely surprised and I stood looking up at him knowing that right now I know exactly what I want.
I looked down at the flowers in his hand and carefully took them from him and put them down on my desk. I looked back up at him biting my bottom lip in an effort to prevent my smile from getting any bigger than I already knew it was. Slowly a smile crept onto Logan's face as he started to comprehend, but he wasn't fast enough. I practically threw myself at him kissing him passionately, but I didn't care because he was immediately kissing me back with just as much passion as he always has.
And I know exactly what I'm doing. I'm kissing Logan. I'm making out with Logan, which I started actually. I'm pulling him to me tighter and tighter, because it doesn't feel close enough. And I'm doing all of it because it feels right; he feels right. Logan, everything feels right with Logan. And nothing has ever felt this right, this perfect before, and I don't want it to stop.
My room may be a complete disaster, but I know exactly where everything is. So, walking backwards pulling him with me, kissing passionately still, I led him to my bed, because…I don't want it to stop feeling right.
He caught on to the direction I was leading him and pulled away and asked meeting my open again eyes and sounding breathless, "Are you sure?" Yes.
But this isn't the time to stop thinking rationally, so right…rationally…I kissed him again and…it still feels right. It's always felt right and it still feels right and I think a few minutes ago I took Zoey's advice and was swiftly lead two steps forward, two steps to him. So, thinking rationally, thinking clearly, knowing that I could stop all of this if I wanted to, I knew what I wanted and I said nodding my head eagerly, "Yes."
I said yes because right now I know what I want and I want him. I want him.
A/N: I don't want to mislead anyone, so there are some things I have to point out. One: Logan hasn't told Dana he loves her. Two: Despite what Dana has decided at the end of the chapter (that in that moment she wants him) she has not said she loves Logan. Three: This is very important; there is a phrase that reoccurs throughout Dana's chapters, but is not in this one. The absence of this phrase is one of the two reasons this chapter is a turning point (the other being the obvious end of chapter events).
If you're wondering why Dana had that reaction to Logan giving her the glass flowers, well the glass flowers are a symbol. Once you figure out what they are symbolic of you'll figure out why she had that reaction. Don't go thinking anything about this story is random, everything means something, even the small detail of the heat wave they're experiencing is important (it's a metaphor).
And now to the bad news: I got a second job last weekend and I'm still in school with a ton of work to do. In the next ten days I have 7 massive astronomy assignments due, 2 five page papers due plus what my professor is calling "the mother of all quizzes" for my modern middle eastern history class, and a 15 page term paper plus two 5 page papers and four books to read for my U.S. history after WWII class. Plus I have to juggle both jobs and find an apartment because my quarter ends in two and a half weeks and I have to move out and go home for the summer, but I still don't have anywhere to live next year. After these ten horribly busy days are over I have finals, but I do hope to update. So, I absolutely cannot update in the next ten days, but I hope I can after that.
Oh, and the next chapter will be shorter than my usual, but I promise it will be good. And I just remembered I think I said this story was about 16 chapters, but I miss counted and it's going to be about 18. That means about six chapters of resolution to come that will be anything but boring.
Thanks for reading and I hope you REVIEW!