Yeah, I know. If you read my Invader Zim/Destroy All Humans crossover, this story is in Chapter 4. Well, I did make this one a little longer. Disclaimer: I don't own JTHM blah... but I wished I owned Angelina Jolie's immortal soul! (drags Angelina's unconscious body to a Spam factory)
Johnny C. and The Humanitarian
by Lauren (a.k.a. Kori/Ss186)
Nny was watching in absolute glee as his latest victim cried for his mother to save him from the cruel fate that was being fed alive to carnivorous raccoons. If only the pathetic collection of human cells had been wiser and not laughed when Johnny had passed him on the street. Johnny frowned; this human's screaming actually was becoming annoying. He blew on a whistle that only carnivorous raccoons could hear.
"Are you going to let me go now?" the man asked hopefully.
Nny just chuckled and shook his head. It was so amusing when they graspedat false hope. Johnny made a clean cut so as not to kill the guy, just sever the vocal chords.
Johnny nodded to the raccoons, "Please continue."
The raccoons leapt back onto their victim and ripped him to shreds while Nny watched as the leftover blood flowed into a storm drain. Then he had heard the door"bell" sound and ran up to the main level of his torture chamber of a home.
He peered out the door cautiously, "Hello?"
The woman smiled at him brightly, "Hello, sir. You must obviously know me, Angelina Jolie, super star actress and a humanitarian who–"
"May I help you, Miss Jolie?" Nny asked, slightly annoyed and becoming impatient.
"I was wondering if I could talk to you about the horrible conditions of thousands of African children." Angelina pulled out a huge stack of handouts.
Nny smiled, torturous thoughts racing through his mind, "But of course, ma'am. Do come right in, won't you?"
Angelina walked inside and saw the horrid conditions of Nny's extremely humble abode. It was very untidy. Papers with a stuck figure were scattered about. There was hardly any light, or hope, in the room. It reminded her of a shack that she had seen when she went to–– Those were her final thoughts as Nny put a tazer to the back of her neck, knocking her out.
The humanitarian awoke in a room that had in every corner been soaked in hopelessness. One wall was covered in shadow. The room seemed to be vast when it was only about 7 ft x 8 ft. She groaned; her head was throbbing. Angelina glanced around the room when she saw a smiling Nny sitting on a wooden crate.
"What? Where am I? What am I doing here?"
Nny smirked with a glint in his eye, "Oh, you, my dear, are going to give me a moment of insane happiness. I've seen you on TV, and quite frankly, I'm not very happy at all about your existence. Then again, I'm not fond of ANY human existence, but yours… Well, your very existence denies mine."
"And just why is that?" Angelina demanded some answers.
"You, Miss Angelina, are proposing happiness to those humans who deserve to suffer. I detest people like you…you…" The word seemed to make Johnny cringe in disgust, "…humanitarians. Promoting world peace, ending world hunger, and whatever the hell other shitty ideas you people come up with. But you do realize that when YOU do accomplish your goal, the world will be a rather dull place for those who share your views. And then you may just…" Nny ran his thumb against a blade and held it to her throat, "…lose your head. But my goal is much more sensible if you look at it. It gives a positive influence in this horrid dirt clod and those who so rightly deserve to be selected by natural selection are cast out."
"And just what is your goal?"
"I have two actually, one is to find the answers for questions that you couldn't even begin to imagine and the second is to eradicate the weeds of society. But society is so impure, so dependant on warped truths and false facades, that it needs to be eradicated of itself to allow the people who truly deserve to live to do just that."
"But I'm a productive member of the human race! Why are you doing this!" she screamed.
"Wrong!" Nny chopped off her hand at the wrist, going through bone and all.
Angelina screamed in horror and pain.
"You are nothing more than a woman who is fueled by the poison of society. You are nothing more than a woman who is highly over paid for her so called talents and wished to be viewed as more than just a "beautiful person". Your acts are nothing but tools to gain the precious attention that you lust for. Do not deny this fact, otherwise you would not have become an actress. If your wishes were to truly help mankind, you'd be working at some non-profit debt councilor business. Vain demon." Nny glared at her.
"You…YOU'RE A MONSTER!" Angelina exclaimed.
"Wrong again!" Our beloved maniac chopped off her other hand and tossed it into a shadow. "I am not a monster. To see a real monster, all you have to do is look in a mirror."
Nny handed her a mirror. She glanced at her face and then saw the miniature crowd behind her. There were starving African children behind her. They stared at her withravenous hunger.
"Now, do enjoy your company with those who you claim to care about. They weren't easy to bring AALLL the way here." Nny left the room and began to dive into his giggling fit.
Screams of pain erupted from behind the door. He listened to the desperate scratches from the other side of the door. Then came the sound of the children ripping the flesh from her bones and devouring every morsel. Johnny smiled as he walked away from the room. That had been one of the brighter spots of his day. He checked a nearby clock to see that it was currently 1:45 a.m. The thought of a Cherry Doom Brain Freezy sounded rather exciting so he decided to quench his thirst before the new beverage dictator decided to turn off the machine. He walked out the door listening to Für Elise. The African children finished off the remains of Angelina and decided to make some jewelry out of her bones.
Yeah, it's my spiffy one-shot. Doesn't the ending just make you feel warm and fuzzy knowing that you've been taught wonderful family values by Johnny? I'm sure that Johnny is just as–
Johnny: No, I'm not.
Fine… Though he may not be as excited as you, when you gather the little children around the fireplace to weave them a fictional tale, just remember this story and it will be a family favorite for years to come.
Johnny: You sound like those horrid salespeople on paid programming television.
Yes, well… Sarcasm is a wonderful gift.
Johnny: I have to agree. But it was a somewhat short story, Lauren.
But it did feel good writing about Angelina's painful death. Trés bien!
Johnny: And you quoted Viola from Zone of the Enders.
Ha, yes. I loved the conversation between Viola and Leo after you beat her in the game for the last time. The line "Beautiful. You knew how beautiful the stars really are." reminds me of you, Nny.
Johnny: Yeah, I guess I could see how it would remind you of me. Well, all you happy people in Internet land, please read and review.