Title: Who I Am Hates Who I've Been
Summary: Years of wear and tear, and Collins has had enough of Mark's façade.
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Tragedy...mentioned romance, I suppose...
Warnings: Mark's pissed off mouth.
Authors
Note: Written while listening to Relient K's "Who I Am Hates Who I've Been" and going through PMS-inspired depression.
Disclaimer: I don't own emotion, nor do I own RENT.
I Wish That I Could Take Back
"Are you sure?"
He sounds like a little boy. A small, pathetic little boy. Mark is experiencing emotion for the first time.
Collins feels like crying—this is like watching a baby take its first breath.
"I'm sure, Mark."
Mark nods slowly, turning to the philosopher. Collins expects him to break down slowly, for things to go smoothly and for him to get his emotions out at a good, normal pace.
Quite the contrary. Mark completely breaks down.
The Mark Cohen standing in front of Collins held Roger as his life started slipping away, and rubbed his back when his head was buried in a toilet only years after doing in while Roger was going through withdrawal. While Mimi said it was too painful to watch Roger go and remained in her apartment, Mark was brushing Roger's hair out of his face, telling him that he'd be okay and the pain would be over soon.
The Mark Cohen sobbing into Collins' shoulder broke down the day Roger died, screaming and shouting and thrashing around so much that the doctors actually had to use a tranquilizer on him. The Mark Cohen collapsing at Collins' feet because his knees can't support him—he is shaking harder than Roger ever shook during withdrawal, crying harder than Roger ever cried during withdrawal, and mumbling to him, to Roger, "Please forgive me, Rog…I'm so sorry…I'm so sorry…"
The Mark Cohen in front of Collins is letting himself feel. He is feeling love and loss and pain. Happiness, completeness, loneliness, emptiness, lust, yearning, needing, wanting, love, pain, hurt…
He's allowing himself to feel things he hasn't felt since Roger strummed his way into his heart. Who he is now—an emotional, living person—hates who he was then—an apathetic outsider.
Who he is now—a friend mourning the loss of his counterpart—hates who he was then—a guy who let himself slowly die away.
Who he is now—Mark Cohen, in love with Roger Davis and suffering the death of the only person he'll ever love—hates who he was then—a watcher who never said how he felt, never told Roger how much he loved him.
Collins helps his friend collect himself enough so that he can walk back to the loft. He watches with his own tears spilling out of his eyes as he apologizes to Angel and points out that no day but today is long gone.
He apologizes to Angel as he realizes and points out that this is the kind of regret Mark will never be able to forget.