A/N: Unbelievable! After trying to update for the last six days it finally worked out today! So I won't waste any time on to long authors notes... Enjoy!
Disclaimer: Still don't own anything. The O.C. belongs to Josh Schwartz and FOX and "What'll I do" to Frank Sinatra.
Chapter 7: What'll I do
The sun had already sat when we arrived at my house. Irresolutely both of us sat there. In my driveway, looking straightforward.
"You know..." it was the first thing he said since we turned. "... we may be to late for Ojai, but--"
"Don't even think about suggesting sex now!", I said while getting out of the car and slamming the door.
"Summer!", his voice was suddenly intense enough to stop me. I just stood there like frozen, not even turning around.
"I don't want it to end like this. I only gonna say this once. I never said it before. To no one. And I won't say it again."
I knew that he waited for me to turn around but I just kept standing there. Looking through the windows of the door into my perfect McMansion.
"Summer, this kind of certainty comes just once in a lifetime."
After he had said that I almost hated him. It would have been so easy for me to walk away when I was angry at him. But he had to say something that perfect.
What was maybe a second felt like hours. While my brain told me to go inside, because it was the right thing to do, and wait for my husband, my heart wanted me to run straight towards him, leave with him and never look back.
I have no idea how long I stood there. Maybe it was only seconds, maybe it was minutes.
"Summer?"
Swallowing my tears down my fingers clutched the doorknob. I thought about turning around to say goodbye. Because it didn't matter if we were fighting or not. Fighting... bullshit. I was just being stubborn, hoping that it would make everything easier. But tomorrow Zach and my kids would be back and then we would be over.
And considering that I decided to not turn around. It would've made everything harder. For both of us. So I walked inside. As soon as the door was closed behind me I sank to the floor and broke into passion of tears. I hated myself for not being brave enough to start over with him. I hated Seth because he messed up my perfect life.
While I sat there hugging my legs and weeping bitterly I heard the car being started outside. I looked at the dark mascara stains on my white pants and couldn't help but wonder what the hell I was doing here at all? That guy was the love of my life and he was leaving.
With that thought I jumped up and opened the door. I called out his name. But all I saw were his back lights disappearing in the dark.
Tears where streaming down my face, while I went back into the house. I lied down on the couch, on which Seth and I had loved each other not even 24 hours ago. Looking around I realized, that every damn thing in that house made me think of him.
Why I didn't follow him? Honestly, I have no idea. It was just that after he had left, courage had left me. I had been rethinking everything for the thousandth time. To stay was the right thing.
Even if I had no idea how I was going to survive without him. How I was supposed to stand it, sitting here in my big mansion, wondering where he was, if he was ruining some others wifes and mothers life's by having sex with her on the kitchen table.
Things would be so much easier if Holly wouldn't have sent me to do inventory that day... So clearly. All of it was Holly's fault. But thinking back, I didn't regret one second being with him. And that was all that was important, right? How could something be wrong that you would do over and over again?
Sometime around that I must've fallen asleep.
SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
A familiar voice woke me up.
"I thought I had enough pride to leave after you told me so... turns out I don't have much of a spine..."
"Seth!"
I ran to him and flung my arms around his neck.
"I am so sorry! I'm such a moron!" I didn't care anymore about showing strength. I drenched his shirt collar with my tears.
"No! I'm the moron! And you were right. I shouldn't have insulted your marriage like that when I don't know anything about it."
"Oh Seth... I think you know more about me and what I want then my husband ever will."
"Summer,--"
I hushed him by putting my index finger on his lips: "I wanna come with you. Wherever you're going, whatever you wanna do next... I'll do it with you."
"You're serious?", he got an facial that said "Awesome!" and "Worried!" at the same time. "I mean, okay you can leave Zach, but what about your kids?"
"We're gonna work that out! If the last ten minutes made me realize something than I can't and I don't wanna be without you!"
"Me neither!", he responded as we sat down on the couch. He kissed my forehead and pulled me close again. "I love you!"
"I love you!", I cuddled onto his shoulder and took his hand in mine. "So... where to you wanna live? Wanna get an apartment? Or are we gonna live on your boat like Pacey and Joey did?"
He smiled: "I think at all events we should get an apartment! Maybe even a house. We'll need one, when your kids will live with us... and every summer we'll sail around..."
"That sounds great!", I said. "But what are we gonna live on? Love and a trust fund?"
"I'd be okay with that!", he kissed me tenderly. "But you could also open up the boutique you wanted! And I'd present my pictures there."
"And maybe we can get a pet..."
"I like that idea! How about a dog?"
"Maybe a chiuhaha?"
"I thought we wanted a dog! Not a rat with long legs!"
I tried to hit him but he held my hand and kissed the palm instead: "When I get to live with you, I'd even get a purse so I can carry a chiuhaha around with me."
I woke up and looked around groggy. What had happened? Where was Seth? Then I realized it. All of that had been a dream. We hadn't made up. He was still gone. And I was still lying here, by myself. I would've loved that dream being reality. I wished I had the courage to tell him "Yes! I'll love you and I'll come with you!". But the truth was that I was just a freaking coward!
And it was not just that. I wasn't some freaky teenager anymore, who could just decide to run away, whenever I felt like it. I had gone into a commitment. Not just by marrying, but also by having kids. I'd hated my mother for leaving me and my dad. And Lilly was basically a mini-me. How was she supposed to react differently?
Another wave of self pity was rolling over me. I was the looser in all of this. Seth would go on. He'd forget about me. He'd find someone else to spend the rest of his life with. While I was stuck with Zach. The kids would grow up and leave. Life their own life. Whoever said that kids always had to stand above the own interest was wrong. Kids would give a shit about the sacrifices you made for them. One day I would sit alone in my big mansion and keep wondering "What if?"
That was when I spotted my purse on the floor next to the front door. The drawing Seth made for me had fallen out. I got up, wiped away some tears and took it into my hands. My first intention was to rip it into pieces and burn it. But then I saw scribbling on the edge of the sheet.
I recognized the words within seconds. It was the verse of Frank Sinatra's "What'll I Do". I made – under his protest of course – Seth listen to a lot of Sinatra during the last days. He stated that he hated it. But apparently he didn't after all.
What'llI do
When you are far away
And I am blue
What'll I do?
What'll I do?
When I am wond'ring who
Is kissing you
What'll I do?
What'll I do with just a photograph
To tell my troubles to?
When I'm alone
With only dreams of you
That won't come true
What'll I do?
Reading those words, made me see how much they stated this whole situation. And I also saw that I wouldn't have to worry, that this was just some fling for him. He loved me just as much as I loved him. And still, it wasn't enough.
A/N: Okay, pretty short I know. But after only one side I had the feeling that I repeated everything over and over again. And about the dream... well, I had written it in a alternative way in the first place. But then I realized that it wouldn't really match with my plans for the whole story. So I deleted it again. (Do you have any idea how painful it is to deleted two pages of – in my opinion – good written stuff? Sigh!) And then I decided that I wanted some of it in the story, without ruining my plans, so I let her dream some of it! Lol (Did that make sense at all?)
I don't know if I even mentioned it yet, but in my head, when I'm writing about Summers house I always see the Cohen house. After all Caleb build it, and the Cohens never used it, so I figured some other family had to live in it. And now Summers.
And before I forget about it: I know I usually only use one verse of a song, but this song really inspired me, and heard it a lot during writing, so I figured it deserved some more credit than the other songs
Okay I'm gonna stop now, before the authors note gets longer than the chap itself. Please review guys! It means so much to me and your reviews are really inspiring!
Love ya all!
Christina