LAST CHAPTER! In all honesty, this was just a fill in story as I'm heavily avoiding writing the long story I've got planned. I felt the need to write something and this was it. And, inevitably for me, it involves song lyrics. Snow Patrol's "Run" to be precise. Thanks for the reviews and the general interest.
"I'll sing it one last time for you, and then we really have to go. You've been the only thing that's right in all I've done"
Rose couldn't believe it. She was standing so close to him, close enough to touch him… but she couldn't. She could never touch him again, never feel his arms locked tightly around her waist, lifting her off of the ground. He was just an image now, a projection of himself. He didn't even smell like her doctor.
The wind whipped her hair across her face and she noticed it didn't even touch him. He really wasn't here. Part of her felt cheated; she'd travelled all this way just to see a picture.
She could hear the words the Doctor was saying, but something else was reaching her hearing. It was his voice, but… it wasn't. It sounded like him, but it couldn't possibly be. It was like she could hear his thoughts, hear him on another level to the usual one. And he was saying so much more to her in his head.
"I'm sorry, Rose. I'm so sorry. But this is it. This is the end. I never wanted this for you. You…you're the one I didn't want to lose."
"And I can barely look at you. But every single time I do, I know we'll make it anywhere, away from here."
Every time she looked at him, Rose felt a sharp stab of pain. This was torture, him being here but not being here. He said he couldn't come through properly, that two universes would collapse if he even tried. Rose didn't care. What were two universes compared to her and the Doctor? They'd saved countless worlds as it was, putting themselves out to do it. They could easily have left so many times; on the Gamestation he'd even suggested it. But they hadn't, they'd stayed and fought it out and risked life and limb. The universes owed them something.
Looking at him made Rose remember everything they'd shared together. And everything they'd lost. So much time wasted, wiling away hours, days, just drifting around, the ultimate in back-packing. They'd talked about everything, but they'd never said what really mattered. Ever since she'd been trapped here, on this strange Earth, away from home, all she'd been able to think about was what they should have spent all that time doing. They should have held on tightly and never left each other's sides. She shouldn't have wandered off so much. And now this was it, it really was over. Rose could barely look him in the eye it hurt so much.
But she had to. She couldn't drag her eyes away from him for more than a few seconds. Because this was it, her last chance. Her last chance to gaze upon the man she loved, the man she would always love. He'd saved her from the ordinary life she'd been all but destined to live and shown her how life could be, how it should be. She didn't want to let him go, she couldn't imagine never seeing him again. Those eyes, that stupid smile, his ruffled hair… How could she say goodbye to any of it?
Suddenly, Rose wanted more than anything to be anywhere but here, on this beach, in this world. Any planet would do, any galaxy, any time. Because anywhere else they'd be together, her and the Doctor. They'd work anywhere but here. Nothing could tear them apart if she could just get out of this place. Because this place was her nightmare, the stuff that woke her up in a hot sweat in the middle of the night. And she knew it was his nightmare too. The nightmares of a Time Lord; not monsters, or death, but being alone. Being fated to live your endless life with no one's hand to hold.
"Light up, light up, as if you have a choice, even if you cannot hear my voice, I'll be right beside you dear."
Rose didn't want to cry. She'd cried so hard for everything she'd lost already. It was silly really, if you looked at it objectively. Since she'd been thrown into this world, she'd gained much more than she'd lost, at least on paper. She'd got a dad, something she'd never had before. Pete was wonderful, he was everything she'd ever imagined her dad to be. He was successful and kind and brave and so in love with her mum that it sometimes made Rose speechless. She'd seen a new smile come across her mum's face; she was reunited with the love of her life, the one she'd thought she'd never see again. Rose couldn't have begrudged her that. Rose herself had gained her boyfriend back, the best friend she'd lost all that time ago. Life should have seemed much better. Except she'd lost the man she loved.
She tried so hard not to cry. Part of her was angry with herself for even considering crying, angry with him for making her feel this way. The night she'd first had the dream had been the first night she hadn't cried herself to sleep since they'd come here. She didn't know if that was because her heart was starting to heal, or whether it was because it couldn't break any further. Either way, she was wrong. Because as she looked at him, her heart cracked just that bit more and she felt sure it was irrepairable. What choice did she have but to cry? There was nothing left for her to do but let the pain out.
"Louder, louder, and we'll run for our lives. I can hardly speak, I understand why you can't raise your voice to say."
His voice was so quiet and indistinct. Like those whispers had been for the past few months, calling her name, bringing her here. Rose wanted to grab his arms and make him talk louder, to fill the beach with his voice. She wanted to hear him singing again, anything would do. Those stupid songs he used to play on the TARDIS, which she'd tease him about. His voice wasn't perfect, but he always looked so happy to be alive when he was singing like that, throwing in some fancy footwork for good measure. She wanted to hear his laugh cutting through the harsh Norewegian wind. But most of all she wanted him to say her name, over and over again, louder and louder. Of all of the things he'd ever said to her, her name was the one that sent the tingles down her spine. Something he did to that one short syllable made her feel like the most important thing in the universe to him. And she didn't ever want to let that go and stop being his everything.
She wanted to say all of that to him, but the words wouldn't come. Her mind seemed to have stalled. All that time she'd spent thinking, just imagining what she'd say to him if she ever saw him again. And now she was here, nothing would come up to her lips. And what did, was so choked with sobs that was indistinguishable. She knew why he wasn't saying the words she wanted to hear; he couldn't.
He'd never been great with the words. He'd always blocked part of himself off from her, refusing to let her in more than a little way. It had infuriated her then, and it did so more now. Running. That was what they were good at. Running from danger… and sometimes running straight into more. If only they could run away from this moment, the moment she was dreading. His two minutes were nearly up. And then it really would be goodbye.
"To think I might not see those eyes, makes it so hard not to cry, and as we say our long goodbyes, I nearly do."
Rose had given up on not crying. The tears streamed down her face continually, as she struggled to say what she wanted to say, what she needed to say. She'd never see him again, if she didn't tell him now… Thought he had to know. He had to know why she was crying. It wasn't because she'd lost the chance to escape her human life, where all she did was go to work, sleep and eat chips. It wasn't because she was destined to live out the rest of her life just gazing up at the stars instead of sailing amongst them. That was all bad enough; she'd seen so much that she had often wondered how she'd manage without it all. She figured she'd just have to get used to it now.
No, she wasn't crying because her wings had been clipped. She was crying because she couldn't imagine living a life without him. Even thinking about not looking into those eyes each day made her more upset. Oh, she knew if she'd have stayed with him that those eyes would have changed from brown to green to hazel... but they were still the same, right in the centre. Her Doctor's eyes. Only they weren't hers anymore.
He said he'd travel on, alone, and Rose half wanted him to. She didn't want to be replaced, either on board the TARDIS or in his hearts. She wanted to be the shining star in his life who he'd never forget and would never get over, like he was to her. And yet she couldn't bear to think of him alone. She couldn't wish that on him. She wanted him to find someone else, someone who needed him as much as she'd needed him. She didn't want to imagine he could love another, but if it would make that smile appear on his face again… She wanted him to be happy.
"Light up, light up, as if you have a choice. Even if you cannot hear my voice, I'll be right beside you dear."
Rose didn't want him to be haunted by her memory. She didn't want him to avoid her room on the TARDIS and fall into one of his brooding silent reveries every time he heard the name Rose. He would live for too much longer to be disturbed by some teenager he'd shared a few short years of his life with.
Anyway, no matter what he did, she'd be with him, she knew that. She'd never stop imagining where he was, who he was with, what he was doing. If she could have done, she'd have been there with him. She wished she could say it all to him now, that he'd never be alone, her thoughts and love would always be with him. Then she looked into his eyes again. And realised he already knew.
"Slower, slower, we don't have time for that. All I wants to find an easier way to get out of our little heads."
The time was rushing by too fast. Those two minutes had passed in seconds it seemed. Rose wanted the time to go slower, for him to speak slower. But there was no time for it. Two and a half years crammed into two minutes. It was impossible.
She could have sworn she heard him laugh, but that was just his thoughts again. She had to smile inwardly. Here they were, worrying about being parted forever when it happened every day to thousands of people. It had happened for her mum and dad. They were just one of the crowd. There were so many more important things happening every second that it really made their own heartache pale in comparison. But to them… this was it. This was the universe, crammed into two insignificant people on a lonely beach.
"Have heart, my dear, we're bound to be afraid. Even if it's just for a few days, making up for all this mess."
When it came, the end came too soon. The words died away on the coastal breeze as the image faded and then that was it. He was gone. There was no trace of him left, not a footprint or even a breath. He really was gone. Rose stared at the spot he'd been for a few moments after he'd gone, not daring to believe that it was over. Then she felt her heart break in two and fall through her stomach. Her sobs rose up and she didn't feel the need to check them anymore.
Fear joined her tears. It was like she had just been living for this moment for the last few months, living for when she would see him again. She hadn't dared think about afterwards. And now she was faced with it all. A lifetime without him. She wondered if he was as scared as she was at this moment.
She turned and ran, suddenly needing the support of her mum. As she fell into Jackie's arms, she couldn't help still believing that this wasn't it for them. They deserved much more. Even just a few days more, as payment for all they'd done. She buried her head in Jackie's coat, her sobs making her shudder.
There was nothing more they could do. They had to leave it to fate now.