Disclaimer: I don't own anything, or else I wouldn't be writing a disclaimer.

(A/N: This is a tribute to all my buddies in Scotland, and to Kristen R.---too sexxy!)

Chapter Four

Yummm, Pie…

Seeing Harry in a kilt had definitely not made Hermione's day. In fact, it had given it a rather bad start. Especially considering he'd pulled a Marilyn Monroe on her. Ew.

She shuddered at the thought and continued to eat her delicious breakfast. She still wasn't quite sure what it was made of; the plate had been christened 'Mystery meat' by the school officials. Whatever it was, though, it was pretty damn good. So she was happy.

'This mystery meat stuff is delicious, what do you think?' she asked pleasantly to the only other person brave enough to try it: Seamus.

'Er…It's…' he began, but something cut him off. Hermione glanced over, guessing he was stunned by her abnormal sexiness. But Seamus was not staring at her. Instead, with the aid of a few alarmed fellow Gryffindors, he was propped up on the table staring in horror at his stomach. He let out a piteous groan as a lump forged itself there, bulging out further and further until suddenly, and without warning, a creepy little reptilian creature with oversized fangs popped out.

'Oh GOD!' he shrieked. And with that he fainted dead away, unaware of the screams erupting down the table. The creepy little reptilian creature with oversized fangs clambered all the way out of Seamus's stomach, and bared its teeth menacingly. The poor second year who'd been sitting next to Seamus looked petrified as it swiveled its head towards her. Despite the frantic warnings given to her, she didn't budge from the danger zone. Doubtless she couldn't not. She was too shocked by the creepy reptilian creature with oversized fangs and the fact the author had again used a double negative in a fragmented sentence to move.

But, instead of viciously attacking her like everyone expected, it turned and cleared its throat. And then, as the chapter took a horribly wrong twist and turned into a random songfic, he began to sing.

I'm too sexy for my shirt too sexy for my shirt

So sexy it hurts


And I'm too sexy for Milan too sexy for Milan

New York and Japan

He started dancing dirty and making his way across the table, twirling around on sticks of bread and break dancing on half empty plates along the way.

I'm too sexy for my car too sexy for my car

Too sexy by far


And I'm too sexy for my hat


Too sexy for my hat what do you think about that

I'm too sexy for my cat too sexy for my cat

Poor pussy poor pussy cat

…Who would have guessed the creepy little reptilian thing had a cat? He twirled on his head in time to the music playing and kept on rockin'.

I'm too sexy for my love too sexy for my love


Love's going to leave me

And I'm too sexy for this song!

And with that, the creepy…screw that, it shall be called 'the thing' from now on, for lack of fingers still intact from typing. Moving on.

And then, with no further ado, 'the thing' jumped off the table and danced out of the room. Everyone stared after it for a minute, then shrugged and continued eating while Seamus was transported to the hospital wing.

'So Harry,' Hermione said cordially. She shoveled another spoonful of mystery meat into her heavily lined lips.

'Hermione…I don't think you should be eating that,' Harry muttered, eying the dish apprehensively.

'Nonsense, Harry,' Hermione smiled. 'I happen to know from reading a random book a ridiculous number of times that Seamus's little…episode is due to a rare disorder known as 'indigestion.'

'Indigestion?' Harry asked curiously.

'Yes,' Hermione replied in her infinite wisdom. 'It is where what were formerly known as creepy reptilian creatures with oversized fangs, but are now known as things, pop out of people's stomach when they eat too much.'

'I thought indigestion is when you have to…' Harry stopped while he was ahead and shrunk into his seat, thinking about what Hermione would say to such a vulgar topic. Attractive people generally don't talk about things like that, he figured. He flushed bright crimson, to his horror, right in front of his one and only love. No matter, though. He quickly put on a pair of funky sunglasses to hide it.

'Nice sunnies, Harry,' Hermione commented. Harry perked up immediately, which Hermione noted with unease. She still didn't forget their earlier meeting, and a repeat of the incident might force her to obliviate herself.

'I'd ask you where you got them and all,' she muttered hastily, 'but I really must dash. I have to go…get something.' And with that she fled.

'Damn,' Harry swore. He had been about to impress her with more of his awesome kilt tricks. He sat back down with a sour look, and angrily bit off the head of a shrimp Ron offered him.

'Don't worry mate, she'll come round,' Ron said soothingly. 'And, if she doesn't, we have plenty of shrimp.

'Thanks,' Harry croaked. Behind the funky sunglasses he felt a tear escape his eye. Ron was such a wonderful friend, so tactful, and Harry felt lucky to have him. 'You're a great mate,' Harry smiled, and the two of them would have hugged in a fit of unmasculine behavior, had Hermione not reappeared in the doorway at that very moment.

The hall fell so still and silent, you could have heard a shrimp drop. But it wasn't Hermione's scantily clad self that shocked the girls and thrilled the guys. No. They were all so shocked/thrilled (known as throcked or shilled) because of what she was cradling in her arms.

A huge…

A giant…

Yep, you guessed it. She had a huge, giant pie.

Everyone gaped at her as she made her way to Harry and Ron. She slapped a few boys along the way who were trying to touch her pie. Hermione frowned and shook her head to herself. She sunk down next to Ron, who hid his obvious excitement with a pair of sunglasses.

Come to think of it, the sunglasses might have been the reason the hall fell so still and silent that you could have heard a shrimp drop. Who knows? They were normal sunglasses, not funky ones, and they could have easily shocked the horde of funky-sunglass worshipping students. The Hogwarts bouncers were forced to remove him and his sunglasses from sight and throw him off campus, out on the street with the other funky sunglass-less bums.

'Er…' Hermione glanced curiously at Ron and the bouncers out the window, but was jolted right back to the hall when she felt someone eying her pie.

'Harry!' she snapped. 'Stop staring at my pie.'

'But it looks so good…and delicious…' Harry mumbled to himself. He seemed barely aware of what he was saying.

'Harry, you are not to touch this pie,' Hermione ordered.

'Is it blueberry?' Harry asked dreamily.

'No, it's cherry,' Hermione declared proudly. Harry shot the pie another longing look, which Hermione didn't miss. 'Don't you touch this pie, Harry Potter,' she warned, 'or I'll…I'll…spank you.' To Harry, it wasn't such a raw deal. But he decided he better not eat it and make his one and only love angry. It just wasn't worth it, even if the pie did look so nice…and soft…and squishy, oh…STOP THAT! He ordered himself. No pie.

'Fine, my lov…er, I mean, Hermione,' he sighed. 'You think I have no willpower, don't you? I'm hurt. Well I'll inform you that I jolly well do have willpower! I have no need for that pie…that pie, with its crisp and flaky crust and gooey cherry interior, and delicious aroma that is wafting into my nostrils…'

Hermione rolled her eyes and turned around in her chair to get a book. When she resurfaced from her bottomless pit of a bag, she gasped and shrieked out in anger.

The pie was gone, and only a speckling of crumbs littering the table suggested it ever existed.

Harry had red smears around his mouth.

'WHO DID THIS!' Hermione yelled furiously. 'HARRY?'

'I didn't do it,' Harry shrugged meekly.

'But who…' Hermione mumbled to herself. She trailed off to glare at Malfoy, who smirked back at her. She would have bet every galleon she had it had been him, but she couldn't prove it.

'I bet it was him,' Harry suggested. 'Dirty, good for nothing…'

'Perhaps it was, perhaps it wasn't,' Hermione mused. 'But I'll find out who ate my pie…and they shall pay! Dearly!' And, with a departing melodramatic cackle, she stormed out of the hall.