Krazy Kai
Chapter Five: TRAPPED! TRAPPED I SAY
Lots of dialogue ahead. Contains "Mini-Chapters", too, AKA: "I-was-too-damn-lazy-to-write-dialouge-so-I'll fill-the-space-with-a-flashback-or-bizarre-story".
Karen just stared and laughed at him. "Damn, movies can be so specific. I was going to put that in my autobiography, too."
"It's true!" the farmer insisted. "Or something. I remember seeing that somehow…"
Jack shrugged and walked over to the barrel of wine. He tore through his backpack until he found a glass bottle. The farmer smiled proudly.
"I was definitely smart to buy you at the festival," he told it. The young woman was looking at him as if he were insane (maybe she was right…?). "And I was beginning to think that Rick ripped me off."
The young man lunged at the barrel and filled the bottle with liquid. Karen walked over and stepped on his back.
"Ow, damn!"
"Don't steal from us," she spat coldly. "This whole vineyard is going downhill. Letting you have free drinks won't help us at all."
"But I'm dying," he sobbed.
Karen smiled slightly and handed him the bottle. "Okay, fine. It's not like we have any hope."
Jack stared at it and then drank. He placed it on the ground and sighed. All he could do was lay down and pray.
"So, should we just wait for someone to come?" asked the farmer. "It looks like there's no way out of here."
"No!" shouted Karen, throwing off the it's-quite-calm-here-even-though-we're-stuck-here-with-barely-any-food atmosphere. "We can't!"
Jack was hurled backwards by the shout. He rubbed his head in pain. "Ack…stop that. And why not?"
"I don't want anyone to see me locked in here with you!"
"Why?" He paused for a moment. "Oh…right..."
"Why'd you have to fight Kai?" Karen brought up. "Don't people in the city know pain?"
"Yeah, we do! I mean, I've been stabbed, kicked, punched, shot, bitch-slapped, pimp-slapped, several other forms of slapping, hit with a hammer, burned with a flamethrower, attacked by zombie chickens… I've been hit by Basil, a priest…"
The woman's green eyes slowly began to close. Jack showed no signs of stopping his bizarre list of people who had injured him. After five minutes, the speech began to draw to a close.
"…Colonel Mustard, several actors who play TV detectives, and that pimp. He was the one who pimp-slapped me, if you'll believe that."
Karen yawned and woke up. "Wha…? Yeah, got it, you people get injured a lot. So you pick fights as well?"
"Hey!" protested Jack. "You're lucky that I'm the new farmer! You can't imagine what another guy from the city might do to this place!"
"Oh yeah?" challenged Karen. "Tell me."
Krazy Kai
Mini-Chapter 1: Diss Village be Crunk
A young man, whose clothes were identical to Jack's, stood on top of Moon Mountain. A quiet village, very different from his home in the city, was directly below him. Of course, he wasn't used to that.
"YEEEEEHAAA!"
He dashed off the summit, falling in the swift wind. The goddess herself peaked out of the pond to see if this was actually happening.
"What the hell is wrong with that guy?" she muttered, and then returned to her poker game with the sprites.
A little clown-like man, the mayor of this small village, was walking around the church peacefully. It was his way to think about what to do. And on most occasions, people didn't fall out of the sky and brutally crush him.
Of course, that didn't make it impossible.
"Ugh…" moaned the mayor, being far too damaged to scream loudly. "I see…it's…the new…farmer… Your name?"
"Rap-mastah Z," he declared proudly.
"Good…luck…you…bastard…" the mayor whispered before fainting.
Rap-mastah Z tore of the red scarf and replaced it with bling-bling. He walked down the street, looking at all the buildings. No bullet holes at all. Yet…
The recently-hired-farmer dashed in to the simple shack on his farmland. The grass was green and the field was full of life…unfortunately, the "life" happened to be a mass of weeds. Rap-mastah Z was delighted, but he soon realized those were garden weeds, not…well, you know.
"DAMN!" he cursed. "I'll shoot them damn plants later!"
He zipped open his suitcase, to find several guns that he surprisingly wasn't caught owning. The new guy was homesick. There had to be a way to bring chaos.
"DIS IS CRUNK!" he exclaimed, riding on his newly-stolen horse. In his hands was a gigantic bazooka that no one in his mental state should ever own. Ever.
An older man pushed a young, brown haired girl behind a greenhouse. In exchange for his heroic act of defending the girl, he was shot down. With a tomato-filled bazooka. Red liquid splashed onto several nearby buildings.
Rap-mastah Z grinned insanely as Jeff clutched his tomato-juice covered chest. Elli tossed bag after bag of fertilizer at the maniacal rapper, causing it to burst out of the back upon contact.
After ten hits, the farmer collapsed off his horse. Elli, glaring, ripped his farmer's license to pieces. And thus, the horror was over.
End of Mini-Chapter One
Karen chuckled at the thought of Elli the baker battling a city boy with bags of manure. She laughed even more at the fact that Jack would most likely defend that story.
"So, you say that there was a movie like this?"
"Yeah," insisted Jack. "I think there was a scene like this in a video game for the Nintendo 64, too."
"I see," muttered Karen. "That strangely placed product-placement reminds me that when I'm afraid in the dark, I sing and dance."
"Cool," said the farmer. "I can't sing."
"But it's easy," the young woman insisted. "Listen!
It doesn't matter what comes, fresh goes better in life,
With Mentos fresh and full of Life,
Nothing gets to you, stayin' fresh, stayin' cool,
With Mentos fresh and full of life,
Fresh goes better! Mentos freshness!
Fresh goes better with Mentos, fresh and full of life!"
Jack blinked. "Wow, your beautiful voice really made even the most blatant advertisement seem touching."
She smiled. "Thanks. So, what was the movie called?"
"Um…" The farmer looked up at the ceiling, as if the answer was up there. "Damn, I think I saw it when I was seven, and I was visiting Grandpa's far…" His eyes widened. "I am such a moron."
"That was you?" exclaimed Karen. "The kid who saved me?"
"Yeah, I'm starting to remember…"
Krazy Kai
Mini-Chapter Two: Fifteen years ago…
"Why are we going so far away from home?" a curious, seven year old Jack asked in the back seat of his mom's car.
"Because, dear, I want to get away from your father." His mother, who was driving (obviously) sighed. "When you were born, he nearly killed the doctor in a fit of rage. Now we've got to go to grandpa's farm."
The little boy gulped and hugged his teddy bear. His sense of paranoia swelled, and it would stay that way for years to come. Jack started rocking back and forth in sheer terror.
"We're here!" his mom said cheerfully, stopping the car in the middle of the field. "Ew, looks like I took out a season's worth of corn."
"Hey!" exclaimed the elderly farmer. "What the hell were you thinking, crazy bitch! I'm gonna kill your ass… Oh, it's you two!"
At that moment, Jack's vocabulary was expanded, in a bad way.
The old farmer ran up to the car. "Hi. Sorry, I don't like when people run over my things." He motioned to a Cow Contest trophy that was smashed last year.
"Sorry about that," Jack's mother said, stepping out of the car. She had long, dark black hair and gray eyes.
"I don't even know how you got here," exclaimed grandpa. "I mean, there are no roads! Did you kill someone?"
"Not to my knowledge." She turned to her son. "Sorry about little Jack. I'm running away from his father… Er, your son."
"Ah, the crazy one," muttered the farmer. "What, he kill anyone?"
"Not in front of the little one!"
"Sorry! Sorry, sometimes I forget how young my grandson is. Did my crazy son stab someone?"
"JACK!" exclaimed the mother.
"What?" asked both of the males.
"Son, go play in the village!"
Jack walked up to a building where two pink haired females lived. The thirty year old mother was painting a sign. Her four year old daughter was painting by slapping the sign with paint-covered hands. The sign read, so far: Flo(hand print)rist Lil(handprint).
The little girl stopped and stared at the little boy. Jack approached her and gave her a pink flower he found growing near his grandpa's farm. The girl held the plant happily.
"I like you!" she declared, blushing.
Mini-Chapter Interruption
"Ohhhh…" Jack said to himself. "So that's why I can't get Popuri to leave me alone!"
Resume Mini-Chapter
The seven year old boy was busy taking grapes from a bush he found. Soon, he stopped filling his stomach with fruit and tried to explore the rest of his new surroundings.
"Hey!" he exclaimed to himself. "Grape juice!"
Jack drank half the bottle. Unfortunately, that wasn't grape juice. He tried his hardest to walk normally, but ended up spinning around in circles.
An hour passed. He still couldn't get back to the farm. The inebriation went away, but he was so tired that he collapsed and rolled down into a hole.
Jack blinked. He thought it was a cave, since the area was so devoid of light. But he heard sobbing… it sounded like a girl!
"Ack! Zombie girl!" He ran, fearing that his comic books would actually be works of non-fiction. That led to him slamming his head into the wall.
"Are you okay?" the girl asked, her green eyes filling with tears. "At last, someone's come to rescue m-"
"Augh, undead cooties!" he shouted, climbing out through the hole.
The girl looked up out of the hole. "Hey, I've never noticed that before! Thank you!" She climbed out. Jack ran back to the car.
End of Mini-Chapter Two
The farmer rubbed the scar on his forehead. "They thought I was attacked by an escaped convict hiding in Flowerbud Village to throw off suspicion."
"So… The hero I spent my childhood dreaming about was only a drunk little boy who was afraid of cooties?"
"…" Jack needed to think of something to say. "So, is there still a hole in the wall?"
"WHAT?" exclaimed Karen. "Do you honestly believe that we would be cheap enough to go over a decade without fixing a simple--"
She turned around. The big, gaping hole was still there.
"…Damn, you were right."
Before they could climb out, someone stuck his/her face down the hole. It was none other than Karen's best friend (and Gray's sister), Ann.
"Dude, what the hell are you doing down there with Jack?" she asked, puzzled. "…Oh, I see…"
"I am going to stab you," Karen muttered at Jack, glaring.
"Get out of there," Ann said, extending her hand. "I'm sure everyone will forget that you tried to murder the mayor once they hear of this, Jack."
"Don't," spat the other woman.
"Why…?" the farmer girl said, grinning. "It's not like-"
"SHUT THE HELL UP, ANN."
Ann ran. Rhymes suck.
Hurray, the chapter's done! As usual, reviews are wanted. And I bet someone will brick me for the ending. –bricked- Oo;; To be honest, I was going to post this later, since it might take a bit of time for me to complete Chapter Six, but since I went on vacation I decided to post it as soon as I came back. And... here it is! -audience gasps- Come on, you read the chapter. It can't be too suprising.
Anyway, I'll end with thanking my reviewers, like other people do. Because I never thanked them before and now they probably think I'm an asshole. Probably not. But meh, I have an urge to type.
RWT-- Thanks for being the first reviewer! Even though you've never specified whether or not the fic was good, your quotes help me know that you at least read it! -shot-
Lack Thereof-- Thanks for the favorite...thing... (I'm new here. I have no idea what the hell to call it.) And for doing something this, which I'm totally stealing. -gutted- Well, she stole it from...someone! -bricked- I've been injured too much in this author's note... ;;
NNNNN-- Er...thanks...? 0o;; Sorry, but I couldn't understand the review.
Aki of the Forgotten-- Thanks for laughing! You're not supposed to laugh at humor fics! -insert some way of torturing me here-
See you when the next chapter is done!