Krazy Kai
Chapter Six: Chaos, As Usual
More weird humor from the same weird writer. Still trying to conquer all the companies that own Harvest Moon and RULE THEM ALL. 'Til then, enjoy the fanfic!
Jack was lying in bed, trying to not fall asleep. That would lead to more disturbingly psychic dreams from occurring. He'd rather just lay in bed and wait until the village would forget he existed. Or at least forget the 'nearly-killed-the-mayor-then-got-locked-in-a-cellar' part, anyway.
But his hopes were shattered, as was his window, by a rock that was hurled through the glass. He walked outside, only to see the mayor.
"Please don't hurt me!" yelped the clown-man, flinching and jumping backwards. "I just came to remind you that the Sea Festival is tomorrow. Y-you know… The swimming race…"
He ran away before Jack could blink. The farmer just sighed.
"Why does he bother inviting me?" he muttered. "I lost the race last year, and this time I most likely will too. Hell, I can swim in the sea any day. WHY MUST YOU TORMENT ME!" He screamed the last sentence at the sky. "WHY!"
---
Jack didn't leave his fields at all the previous day. He feared the village's reaction to all the crazy incidents. But it was now the day of the swimming race. That meant that someone would hunt him down if he was absent. There was no escape.
He had no choice but to jump over the fence to the Green Ranch. Nearby, Cliff ran up to him and started pulling on his arm.
"Dude, hurry!" the bum exclaimed. "You gotta come here!"
"Whuh… Why? And since when were you back in the village?"
"On the run from that damned Interpol. Er, anyway, you've got to come here now!"
"Fine," said Jack, "but I don't see what would make me want to c…"
He froze at the sight before him. All of the young females in town were wearing bikinis. So was Harris. Apparently, he didn't have his own swimsuit and had to rent one. That was the only one left.
"Bless you Cliff," muttered Jack. Cliff nodded, hypnotized.
Cliff turned his head, despite not wanting to do so, and saw Maria taking notes as her dad spoke. "Look, Maria's interviewing the mayor for the local newspaper!"
"Oh, that thing. You get it too?"
"No, Harris just keeps raving about it."
"Why don't you get it?"
"I don't have a god damn house, much less a mailbox!"
Meanwhile, the mayor was answering questions. Most of them were about wars he declared on neighboring villages. But Jack could only hear the last question be asked.
"So, Dad," the library interrogated, "why did you extend the Sea Festival competition to include both genders? Was it because you realized that this unfair separation was against rights that everyone is born with?"
"Well, I chose to do this because I'm a perver…er… Well, I think that what you said is true. Really. No further questions, right?"
The clown man cometh towards Jack and Cliff. Well, Cliff anyway. He tried to stay further away from Jack.
"So, are you two ready to race?" asked the mayor. "And…hopefully not ready to finish me off like you were planning to…"
"I wasn't trying to kill anyone," protested Jack. "It's a situation far too bizarre for me to explain."
"Yes, it is bizarre when a stealthy farmer drops from the heavens, sickle in hand, only to slice you across the head!" The mayor removed his top hat to reveal a bandage. "So, are you two ready to race yet?"
"Um… maybe in a few minutes," Cliff spoke up, before Jack could defend his almost assassin-like assault on the mayor. "So Ja…WAUGH!"
Before he could say anything, Ann ran up and grabbed his arm.
"Cliff! You're back!" She kept babbling, while Cliff just stared.
"Uh… Yeah, I missed you too… Hey! Get off my arm, it'll set off the alarm they strapped to be during parole…"
Jack didn't even want to know how Cliff got in trouble with the law, but the thought kept popping up in his mind every time the alarm released a deafening screech. Thankfully, the pink-haired girl smashed the alarm device in two with a hammer.
"Popuri!" exclaimed Jack. "You silenced that damn thing! And more importantly, where did you get that hammer?"
"Here's a secret," Popuri said. "You leave your rucksack open. It's easy to take things. Remember when I needed anger management? I nearly cut your head off with one of these tool things!"
"Er… Should I thank you, or should I run?"
"Relax, I relieve my anger and stress in different ways now. Punching bags."
She pointed to one that she hung from the boat dock. It looked as if it was sliced open, kicked, punched, and bitten. At least Popuri was a bit more normal.
"I see." Jack opened up one of the cuts in the punching bag to see if there was a Harvest Sprite in it or something. Nothing.
"What, do you not believe me?" Popuri asked, almost childishly. "You're too paranoid, Jack. Relax."
"Relax later!"
Everyone turned around. The young, local baker was standing on the dock, grinning.
"I've been training my whole life for a chance to participate in this event!" declared Elli. "And now that I've been given the chance, my years of practice will pay off!"
"With that being said," started the mayor, "I think we should start the race! Into the water!"
---
"GO!" commanded the Mayor, waving to Harris. The mailman fired a gun. And you should never give a mailman a gun.
The racers ignored the large, blue bird that was shot and began to swim. Jack was somewhere in the middle of the crowd. The younger baker was in first place. The elder one was in last.
"Hey (glug) wait (glug) for…" Jeff struggled to shout every time his face turned to the water. "Me…"
"This is fun," Kai said, obviously in his normal personality. However, for some strange reason, he still had the bandana on. Then again, Jack never removed his own hat, either.
"All I need to do is catch up," the farmer told himself, swimming faster. He soon moved into the third place, behind Elli and Kai.
Soon, the he jumped up, trying to get the bandana of Kai's head. Unfortunately, he was directly behind Elli. She kicked Jack several times while swimming, not noticing at all.
"Ugh…"
Jack sank down into the ocean. His vision blurred from the water, and eventually faded into darkness…
---
The farmer regained his consciousness in a weird, green room. But there was some kind of pink blob standing by him!
"ACK!" Jack shouted. "Where am I!"
His vision finally cleared up. The pink blob was apparently Popuri.
"Elli kicked you in the face seven times before you passed out an sank into the water," the girl told him. "She baked you a Power Berry pie as an apology."
"Well I do like pie," said the farmer, his mind wandering. But suddenly, he remembered that he couldn't be called "farmer" without there being a farm. "Oh my God! What about my farm!"
"Don't worry," Popuri said. "I asked Cliff to work on the farm. We gave him 5000 pieces of gold."
"Did you warn him about the gigantic ditch near the turnips?"
A loud WHUMPH echoed through the village. The two ignored it.
"Just rest, Jack. When you recover, you can go back to your farm and take care of the livestock and crops. Right now, you need to sleep."
"Thanks… Wait a second, where are you going to sleep?" Jack paused. "Damn it."
He then proceeded to jump out the window, only to cause more damage than good. Popuri dragged him back up into the room.
"Jack, if you try that again your leg will break off."
The farmer, shaking back and forth, nodded. He didn't want to lose any limbs, or even get injured.
"Fine, I'll stay here. But one question: did you set this whole thing up?"
"No..." Popuri replied. "I couldn't think of that. Though if I did, it would be brilliant…" She stopped rambling. "Anyway, I'll just go onto this side of the bed."
She pointed to the west of the room. Jack rubbed his eyes, to see that the bed stretched across the room.
"What the-"
"I'm too short to reach the plants on the ceiling." She pointed to the ceiling, where flowers were growing. For some reason, they were also upside-down, causing fertilizer to fall everywhere.
---
Harris held his camera and notebook in both hands. Maria had trusted him with the front-page article in her new newspaper: "Farmer Injured In Sea Festival". He looked into the florist's store. The lights were still on, despite it being three hours closed.
The mailman slowly opened the door. Lillia saw his camera and notebook and nodded.
"Jack's resting now," she said, "so be quiet, okay?"
He nodded and walked up the stairs to the room Jack was sleeping in. Unfortunately for Jack, Popuri had an insane nightmare that lizards were trying to kill her. She thrashed around, eventually ending up lying next to Jack.
"Gah!" exclaimed Harris, taking the photo first and shouting later.
Jack woke up, rubbing his eyes. And then cursing. Shit. What are the odds of this?
Thankfully, the farmer was healed enough to snatch the camera from the mailman and smash it on the ground.
"B-but, my article…" moaned the mailman.
"No! I will not have my reputation ruined by another crazy misunderstanding!"
"…Huh?"
"…Okay, let me explain. If someone found a corpse in the mailbox, they'd blame you, the mailman, right?"
"I see your point exactly. Very well, I shall not tell the public. Besides, without the photo it's pretty unbelievable. That kind of stuff only happens in manga…"
Jack smiled. With this act of kindness, he could only feel that his story would become less strange.
…Well, that's how he felt, anyway.
Yeah... The last two chapters pwned this one by far. Thanks to:
RWT-- Glad to know you like this fic! (That may explain why you're still reading.)
Aru Feuer-- Ahem. Where are those cookies?
pvc-- Wow, that was the least noticeable line in the fic and still someone liked it. Thanks for the review!
Lack Thereof-- I was actually thinking of doing some spin-offs with different types of Jacks. My favorite idea is Micheal Jackson Jack. You can only imagine how effed up that fic would be...