Chapter ten:

Defining Moments

I could have lain in the sand forever. The heat of it seeped into my core, and it was soothing like you wouldn't believe. Of course, as luck would have it, I didn't get to lay there forever. Hardly for five minutes, even. I had hardly regained my breath, was still reeling mentally, and I could hear the clatter of Heartless materializing en masse.

I groaned, annoyed, as I sat up, reaching to grab my chakram. "C'mon Raz," I muttered across the sands to her, "Duty calls," I jumped stiffly to my feet, taking out a group of Heartless with one pass of my chakram. I didn't hear her move.

"Raz?" I glanced at her, trying to keep the greater amount of my focus on the Heartless. She was trying to stand, to her credit, but I could see her arms shaking as she pushed herself up, using her swords as bracers on either side of her. She was in no state to fight, and I was in no state to protect her.

"Here," I grunted, pushing a darkness door open between us, disabling one of my chakram. I couldn't hold this long and still fight off Heartless. "Go back and tell Xemmie…Xemnas…that…" I grunted as I swung at an adventurous Heartless, one that didn't seem intimidated by my flaming wheels. "That there's still far too many Heartless in Agrabah. That damn kid's being lazy."

"Why just me?" she beat a Shadow Heartless away from me, the creature dissipating away from her blade.

"Just do what you're told!" I snapped, straining to hold the portal open. Another Heartless creeped too close for comfort, and my chakram was in the middle of a flaming arc, not halfway back to me yet. I booted the creature away indignantly.

Why was she still standing here? "No!" she practically screamed at me as I caught my chakram.

"Look!" I was getting impatient, "If something happens to you—" I broke off. If something happened to her…what? I'd be sad? She'd be whole. So I'd be happy?

Wait. Those are emotions.

I can't be happy. I can't be sad.

I can barely be.

If nothing else, I was certainly confused.

"If something happened to you, Xemnas would get pissed at me, that's what!" I screamed at her. I twisted, keeping my hand in the darkness door. This caused my shoulder to strain a bit, which was painful, which was getting to be redundant, because I hurt all over. I didn't feel like arguing with her anymore.

"Well, he can just fucking deal, can't he?" She glared at ice at me, and I hoped my eyes were burning holes right through her. I was certainly trying.

"Get out of here Raz, before—gah!" I jumped, a Heartless soldier swinging his blade beneath my boots. That could have been really awkward.

"Before what?"

"Before you get—" too late again. She had been so busy expressing her outrage at me that she didn't notice the Heartless behind her raise its club-thing to bash her head in. Luckily, it wasn't a strong blow, but the girl still crumpled. I pulled my hand out of the darkness door to catch her.

"DAMNIT!" I swore as loudly as I could, setting Raxet down on the sands and straddling her. I swung my chakram in wide circles around us, keeping the Heartless at bay. I could never beat them all like this. I'd have to use my pyrotechnics. Did I have the strength? I sincerely hoped so.

I crossed my arms, summoning a huge arc of flame, and sent it flying in a wheel around us. Ow. That took a lot out of me. I slid to the sand next to Raxet, wondering if I was finished.

No, I wasn't. I was just way too close. I wiped the sweat off my face, but I could still feel it dripping off my cheeks like tears. I glanced down at Raxet. She was almost transparent.

"Raxet!" I exclaimed, kneeling by her side. "Raxet! Raxet!" Wait. Why was I calling out to her? It would only serve to call her back. Keep her here. I didn't want that. No. Alex didn't want that. Alex wanted Raxet to die. Axel was a piece of Alex. Axel wanted…I was confused again. I didn't know if I wanted to send her away or not.

By now, it didn't matter.

She was solid again.

"Dammit. You almost Faded, girl." Was I happy now? Sad? Relieved? Apathetic? I couldn't tell. Something was going on. I felt something, but was it an emotion? It couldn't be. I was a Nobody.

I slid my hands gently under her, standing stiffly, painfully.

"Little bitch," I muttered, half to her, half to myself. "You're going to ruin everything."

I should never have bothered with her. I was supposed to be helping Sora. But why?

I used to know why I needed to help Sora.

My memories had told me.

My memories of feelings of right and wrong. My memories of honor and truth. My memories of life before this hectic existence. My memories…of life in Radiant Gardens.

But now I couldn't tell if those were my memories or someone else's.

Wait. They were. They were Alex's memories. What did I have, really, that only belonged to me?

Nothing.

Because I was Nobody. A piece.

Why should I make my decisions based on someone else's thoughts? Oh, I still wanted to help Sora. I liked him. I didn't like Xemnas. That, if nothing else, was enough to keep me on the path I walked.

But I had so many questions.

I didn't feel quite so certain about what was happening, or who I was, or even what I was.

I was feeling something.

I carried Raxet back to Castle Oblivion. Demyx was sitting on a bench, his wounds still wrapped, blood staining his coat. He had set his sitar next to him, and was strumming the strings distractedly while he scribbled on a sheet of paper. I did not meet his eyes, staring at the wall above his head. (When I said I never talked to him again…I didn't. Not really. This wasn't talking. Not the way we should have. He was my brother. My brother, damn it…)

"Axel!"

"Demyx…finish writing that song?" There was anger in my voice. Dripping sarcasm, maybe even hatred. My voice was harsh. Too harsh. But I didn't care.

"…yeah. Just now." He'd really been writing another one? Stupid fool, I thought. Stupid, romantic, brainwashed fool. "W…what happened?"

"Don't ask!" I snapped. "Do me a favor," I said that in a rather rude way, such as to suggest something along the lines of 'for once be useful, would you?'

"Go tell Xemnas she's back." I finished my demand.

"He'll kill me if I tell him she's—"

"Then DON'T. Get out of here, man. I'm taking her up to her room." I swung around and stepped through a darkness door before waiting for his reply.

I'd not been in her room since she'd become the occupant.

I was surprised to notice how she'd changed it. There were green curtains, green pillows, a green lampshade. She'd even done some green trim, and splashes of color tastefully filled the room. It wasn't bleak and stark like most of the other white rooms in the Castle. She'd really made it something.

I laid her on the bed, pulling back the covers and gently tucking her in. She sank into the pillows like a kitten and sighed with what I took to be content.

I sighed as well, dragging a chair up to the bed and sinking wearily into it. Why was I still here? I'd done my duty, completed my task. I'd even tucked the ungrateful whelp into bed.

"Stupid whore," I accused, whispering softly. "Stupid, selfish, prideful, pigheaded whore," She was going to ruin everything.

Then again, it wasn't entirely her fault. Xemnas had had a big part in this, as well.

Why couldn't he have left them alone?

I couldn't take this.

I couldn't tell who I was from who I'd been, or who I would never become again.

What was this I was feeling? No. A Nobody can't feel. A Nobody is just a piece of Nothing.

But I did feel a dampness sliding down my cheeks.

And I had stopped sweating a long time ago.

"Idiot," I berated. Who was I talking to now? Was I scolding Raxet? Or was that directed at myself?

A sudden impulse.

A sudden need.

Without thinking, I leaned over and pressed my lips against her icy cheek. She had such soft skin, and even though it sent waves of cold through my body, there was something significant about that kiss.

I could feel.

I was a Nobody.

But I felt.

I didn't know what this was.

But I felt it.