Disclaimer: I do not own Poseidon or Poseidon Adventures. And I am aware that Poseidon is not as openly racist, sexist, or anti-semitic as I make it appear. I took some liberties with the plot because it is a parody. If you're going to flame me, please don't flame me saying that I am racist, sexist, or anti-semitic. What was said was meant in jest. That is all.
OK, here's my idea for a super blockbuster movie. It's all about these people vacationing on a luxury plane, and then something Now, the first 30 minutes go something like this:
(Blond, white, muscular, attractive man appears on screen.)
Sam: Hello. I'm Sam Smith. I'm on the US air force, and I'm vacationing. What a coincidence that I'm on an airplane, and I would know just exactly what to do if disaster struck on this very plane. (Laughs.) Most importantly, I'm white, so you know that I'm going to be heroic and put myself at risk to save my wife and son should anything happen. Oh, and I bench 200 lbs on a regular basis.
(Sam exits)
(Blond, white, attractive woman appears on screen, holding a blond white cute child.)
Samantha: Hi. I'm the loyal (and white) wife of Sam. I'm an Earth Science teacher for under-privileged children. See, that gives my character an illusion of being three-dimensional. I have no real physical strength, but that's OK because I have a big strong husband to protect me. Also, I'm sensationally glamorous, which ups the rating by at least half a star. I would give anything to protect my child's welfare. This is Ham, my son. Doesn't do much, but he's cute as the dickens. That bumps you up about another half a star.
(Samantha exits)
(Tall, graying old man with glasses appears on screen.)
Isaac: Hello, I'm Isaac Katz, the only Jew on board this vessel. That appeals to a larger audience- easily another half a star. I'm a gay retired architect, and my lover just left me an I'm contemplating suicide, only I really secretly want to live. (Slips on a banana peel.)
Oy vey! These goyem made me the comedic relief! (Mumbles to himself like a crazy old Jew.)
(Isaac exits)
(Two more white men appear. Both have rich brown hair, bulging muscles, and are radiantly handsome)
Fred: Hello, I'm Fred.
Ned: And I'm Ned. We're the vacationing pilots.
Fred: And in the face of danger, we would be heroic and save all the women and minorities.
Ned: Except the Mexicans.
Fred: Yes, except the Mexicans.
Ned: And if one of us die, it will be a heroic death.
(Ned and Fred exit.)
(A Mexican man enters. He has a large mustache, sombrero, and a poncho.)
Mexican Man (in heavily accented voice): Hola. I am the Mexican. I'm too insignificant to have a name. I am a lowly kitchen worker on this plane. I am pleased to be of assistance to the white people on this plane, and will probably not survive 'till the end of this film. Oh well.
(Mexican leaves.)
(An attractive Mexican woman enters.)
Rosa: Hola. I am Rosa. I sneaked onto this plane, because I am but a poor Latina, and could not afford it. Also, that's just a sneaky Mexican would do. I am traveling to visit my brother, an illegal immigrant in America. I'm probably going to die, but it will be prolonged to almost the end of the movie because I'm pretty. I was voted, "Most Likely Person to Freak Out and Die a Totally Unheroic Death in the Face of Danger."
(Rosa exits.)
(A black man in captain uniform enters.)
Captain: Hello. I'm the Captain. See, it's politically correct now.
OK, so the cast have just introduced themselves, right? They each have a boring back-story that nobody cares about. And now, we'll see how they handle...
THE ZEUS MISADVENTURES
Starring:
Alexander Brown, Connor Black
&
Ash Friday
As the Heroic White Men
Juan Singularsensation
As the Dastardly Mexican Coward
Israel Cohen
As that Jewish Gay Guy
Betsy Ross
As the Glamorous, Loyal White Woman
Harrison Prefect
As that Cute Little White Boy
Maria Lopez
As the Mexican Woman Whom You Know is Gonna Die
Hooch Washington
As the Token Black Captain
(Enter into a party hall. The room is decked out in confetti and ribbons and stuff. A celebration of the New Year is under way. Sam is sitting at a table with his wife and child.)
Sam: Boy, I sure am glad to be here on the Zeus luxury airliner to celebrate to New Year with my wife and child.
Samantha: And I am glad to be here beside my husband.
EVERYONE: 10.. 9.. 8.. 7.. 6.. 5.. 4.. 3...
(Shot changes to control room. People are running around. Something is bleeping on a piece of machinery that looks to be antique.)
Random technician: Dear lord! There's a huge, giant rogue wind that was entirely unanticipated by our expensive radar detecting equipment! I've only just seen it now, and that's by my own sight!
(Back to the ballroom.)
3.. 2.. 1.. Happy New-
(There is sudden, violent turbulence. FASTEN YOUR SEATBELT signs flash on. The plane starts flipping over. 20 minutes of blood and gore as party tables fall on people.)
Isaac: (As he struggles out from under a chair.) Don't they bolt down these things on airplanes anymore? Oy, this was bad planning.
Ned: Look at all the dead and injured Mexicans.
Samantha: (Covers the eyes of Ham.) Don't look, sweetie.
Captain: Everyone stay calm. We were hit by a rogue wind, and even our masterful 21st century technology was unable to keep the plane upright. The Zeus is now flying.. upside-down.
Samantha: How is that possible?
Sam: You wouldn't understand, pookie. Don't take it personally; it's because you're a woman. (To Captain) So, let's start planning how to get out.
Captain: I'm sorry, sir. I cannot allow you to leave. My orders are to make sure that everyone stays put where they are.
Isaac: Yeah? Well I'm an architect, and so I know that this plane is not designed to fly upside down for very long.
Ham: I'm less than 5 years old and I knew that.
Samantha: Well, I'm an Earth science teacher, and I know there's no such thing as a rogue wind.
Sam: Samantha, what have I told you about trying to have an opinion? But don't worry, everybody. I know just what to do in the face of danger. Follow me.
(SAM starts walking toward exit. Samantha, Ham, Isaac, Ned, and Fred follow him.)
Assorted people: Wait! We want to come too!
Sam: What did they say?
Ned: I didn't quite catch it. Too bad we're the only people in here smart enough to realize to get out, though.
(They continue walking.)
Scene II
(The group of people wander outside, where they see Rosa and the Mexican man.)
Fred: Hello there. What's your name?
Rosa: I'm Rosa. Where are you going?
Ned: To the emergency exit, which is at the bottom of this plane. Which is really above us, because we're upside down. And this plane is three stories high, so it may take a while.
Rosa: Why not use that exit over there? (She points to an emergency exit.)
Sam: Because this way is more exciting.
Rosa: Please take us with you! We want to survive.
Fred: Well, ordinarily I wouldn't deign to help a Mexican, but I'll make an exception because you're a woman.
Rosa: Thank you!
Ned: Why hasn't your Mexican friend spoken?
Mexican: I express my deepest condolences, but alas, I have poor English.
Sam: What did that guy say? I don't know any Spanish.
(They continue walking until they reach an elevator shaft.)
Sam: We need to cross here. I'll go first and help everyone get up. Mexican, you stay and hold up the plank.
(Everyone gets through. The Mexican goes last.)
Sam: Uh-oh! He's too heavy for me to lift! There's no time for him! Kill him, Isaac!
Isaac: I'm trying! (He kicks the Mexican)
Mexican: Aaaaah! (He falls to his death.)
(They get out to the other side of the elevator shaft, and everyone walks along until they reach a large metal door.)
Sam: OK, there may have been a flash fire here, so everyone stand back.
(Sam opens the door, shielding everyone from the huge blast of fire. It soon dies down, and they go through the door. They keep walking until they reach another door.)
Ned: Careful. There may have been another flash fire in this room.
(Everyone stands away from the door, and Ned opens it. Sure enough, a blast of fire comes and quickly dies down.)
Ned: How convenient. There seems to have been a flash fire in every room except the ones we were in.
(Everyone walks through.)
Fred: Now, we must be careful to move quickly, everybody. This plane is quickly filling up with a deadly substance.
Rosa: What is it?
Fred: Air!
(Rosa screams like a hysterical Mexican woman.)
Rosa: Dear lord! I'm terrified of air!
Isaac: Come on! Be a mench. You've got to go on.
Rosa: No! I can't!
Fred: Then we'll make you! Because, I don't know why we care more about you than that Mexican guy that Isaac had to kill-
Isaac: Did I kill someone? Dear me, I'd forgotten by now. It's probably because I'm a satanic Jew.
(Everyone laughs.)
Fred: As I was saying, I don't know why we care more about you than that Mexican dude, (it's probably because you're hot and I'm secretly hoping that if we both survive then you can become my bride), but if you don't go, none of the rest of us go.
Sam: I'm willing to go without her.
Rosa (to Fred): Really? You're willing to risk your life to save me? That's so sweet. I'll come, but I warn you that this probably isn't the first mental breakdown I'm going to have. I'm severely disturbed.
Fred: Woo-hoo!
(They continue walking, and step over the many corpses that cover the floor.)
Samantha: I don't know about you guys, but I'm not in the least bit disturbed by all these dead bodies.
Isaac: I didn't notice them.
(Everyone laughs.)
Sam: Oh, what a crazy Jew!
(They keep walking until they get to a small metal tube.)
Ned: We're going to have to climb up this tube.
Ham: Why don't we use those stairs? (He points to a set of stairs next to them.)
Ned: This way is more exciting. And besides, I resent being advised by a 5-year-old.
Rosa: AAAAAH! It's my second worst fear!
Ned: Confined spaces?
Rosa: No! I'm afraid of anything metal that's located inside of an airplane.
Ned: Ooh. But we'll shove you in anyway.
(They all go in. Sam first, then Ham and Samantha, then Ned, then Isaac, then Rosa, then Fred. Sam reaches the top, only to find a grate.)
Sam: Uh-oh. A grate. Ham, stick your little hand up here.
(Ham sticks his hand through.)
Ham: There are bolts holding the grate in place. Does anyone have a screwdriver, or something that can function as one?
(Rosa hands up a cross from around her neck to Isaac. They pass it all the way up to Ham, who uses it to open the grate.)
Isaac: Saved by a cross. Oy vey, that's ironic, considering that I'm a satanic Jew and all.
(Everyone laughs.)
(They climb out of the metal tube.)
Sam: Uh-oh, we can't possibly get out of here until this compartment fills up with air.
Rosa: Drown ourselves with air? AHHH! I can't take this anymore! (Dies of a panic attack, like you knew she would.)
Fred: Alas, my love has died! Tragic, tragic. (That oughta be worth a half a star.)
Sam: Oh, wait, there's an exit. We don't have to drown ourselves with air after all.
(They continue walking until they reach a pool.)
Sam:
We're going to have to swim across this pool to get out.
Ham:
Can't we walk around it?
Sam: This way is more exciting.
(They swim through the pool, holding their breaths for an inhuman amount of time.)
Sam: (Getting out of the pool.) At last! The control room. This is where I turn this plane right-side up, and make an emergency landing. All of the pilots in there inexplicably died, so it's up to me.
(He goes into the control room.)
(Samantha spots anacondas and boa constrictors.)
Samantha: Shriek! Snakes! Snakes, on a plane!
Fred: I'll handle this.
(Fred struggles with the snakes. They bite him.)
Fred: At least I died a hero. Unlike that Mexican, who died a coward. (Dies.)
(Inside control room, Sam turns plane around, but then dies for some reason.)
Sam: At least.. I die.. A hero.
Ned: It's OK, Samantha. I'll rescue you and your child, and then marry you and see that you are financially stable for the rest of your lifetime.
Samantha: My hero!
Isaac: Oy vey! I haven't had a line in the last half an hour!
(Everybody laughs.)
(Rescue people come out of nowhere.)
Rescue guy: Hello. It seems that you four are the only survivors on this plane carrying 4000 passengers.
Ned: How lucky.
Rescue guy: So now you're saved!
Everyone: Huzzah!
(Ned and Samantha make out for ten minutes.)
So, that's my super spectacular movie. An hour and a half of thrilling explosions, cool CGIs, and little to no plot or character background of any kind so that the audience doesn't feel overwhelmed. Plus, hot ladies, handsome men, a token gay suicidal Jew, the Captain is black, and there's Mexicans too. And a happy ending for the woman, child, and white man. And all those half-stars add up to.. let's see.. Two stars!