Chapter Twelve:

Psuedo-hearts

Four minutes, thirty-four seconds. I pushed off the wall I was leaning against, putting out my hand to summon a door. I had it almost formed when one sizzled into being to my left. I was familiar with how Raxet's doors liked to work (kind of like a two-way vacuum, hurling her around violently) and jumped to catch her as she flew out. She smashed me into the back wall, which hurt a little, but I didn't say anything about that.

"I was about to come and get you," I tried to control my tone. I didn't want her to think I was worried or anything.

"I don't need you," She hissed vehemently, glancing up to meet my eyes with an angry glare. I jerked away, taken aback. She was crying. Water glittered in her eyes, and her lashes were clumped wetly together from tears. My hands were still holding her steady, but she ripped away, fleeing to the staircase, ascending by taking two stairs at a time. She really wanted to get away.

I stood, staring after her, my hands still extended, feeling the chill of her seeping through my thick clothes. When I heard her door slam, I let my arms fall, massaging my chest with my right hand.

What was this ache?

What was this…feeling?

I had to know. I had to pursue this. I had to pursue her. Something was going on. Something was happening to me. To Axel. To a Nobody, a Nothing. But something was happening. And I had to know what it was.

Knowing…

It was almost as important to me as the mission I had placed myself on. I had time. I'd done so much work already, made so many alterations to the worlds, to the paths, to Sora's quest…I had time to pursue a personal project.

Not much.

But enough. I hoped. I had to know.

I pulled myself through a darkness door quietly, accessing the shadows in Raxet's room. I leaned silently against her door, listening to her cry. I listened as long as I could. Eventually, I couldn't take it anymore. It pained me to see this. It was obvious to me that she was hurting, and not physically. The wounds from the previous day's scuffle were all but healed, and Sora hadn't scratched her.

If this pain wasn't physical, it had to be emotional.

And we were Nobodies.

"So…" I asked, softly, still leaning against the door, well away from the bed, "What'd he say?" She jumped. Hooray. My spy skills are great. I snuck into a woman's sleeping quarters completely undetected. Why was I not elated? Oh, right. Elation is an emotion. And the woman in question was in hysterics. Puts a slight damper on the victory toast, don't you think?

"Go away," She muttered into one of the decorative green pillows she was sobbing into. I watched as she bit her lip, attempting to stifle her cries. I waited a moment before repeating myself.

"What did Sora say to you?"

"I told you to go away,"

Unless she threatened to freeze my balls off, I wasn't leaving. I might not anyway.

"I'm not going to leave until you tell me why you're crying. And then I'm going to kick his ass," Surprisingly, I found that I meant that. As much as I liked the kid and wanted him to succeed, I saw no reason for him to do this. I mean, saving the universe is all well and good, but come on. Where's the courtesy? Even heroes (junior heroes especially—they're still trying to earn their stripes. Rackin' up points and such…) can't just go around making women cry. It was just plain wrong.

"He's just a little boy." How totally female. Defend your aggressor. That doesn't make it any better, girls. Admit it—he hurt you and you want him to pay.

"He's fifteen—old enough to be held responsible for his own actions."

"Leave him alone, Axel," She whispered brokenly, wiping at her nose, "And leave me alone, too." She didn't sound like she meant that, somehow. Her words said 'get the hell away from me,' but her tone said, 'don't leave, please, please don't leave,'

…I chose to ignore her words and heed her tone.

"…I still wanna know what he said," I moved closer to the bed, still a safe distance away in case she went neuter-happy on me.

"It doesn't matter!" She muttered, squeezing the pillow, fiddling with the tassels on the corners. Ok, that was not behavior that hinted she was harboring aggression. I took the final step, leaning over the bed and brushing hair away from her ear as I whispered into it, letting my warm breath bathe her icy exterior.

"…and I'd just gone through so much trouble to cheer you up," It was meant to be funny as well as serious. I'd hoped to make her crack a baby smile, if nothing else. Instead, it made it worse. She started hiccupping.

"I…can't be cheered up…because…I'm…not depressed!" She wept, her sobs growing in volume, "Nobodies don't have emotions!"

…valid point…but…

"Oh…" I was at a loss. How do you counter that? My mind told me she was right, but something else…

I don't have anything else…

But something else…

It was telling me that she was very, very wrong.

What made me think…made me say what I did next, I don't know. But it felt right. And I believed it, I find. I didn't know why, then. I still don't. Not quite.

"Oh…That little prick…" I sat down on the edge of the bed, gently setting my hand on her back, half-massaging her shoulders, hoping to provide some comfort. "Raz…we have feelings. If we didn't, we wouldn't exist…we'd have no reason for anything at all. It would be like…like being dead." My words were forming themselves, coming from a part of my consciousness I didn't know that I still had access to. Maybe they weren't my words at all. Maybe they belonged to Alex. But I was grateful for them. "We have hearts, just not in the same way as Sora and the 'normal' people. We have hearts in the form of other people." I scooted closer to her, leaning down and letting the distance between us close entirely. I felt her ice seeping into my being. It wasn't as painful as I would have expected. It was sort of nice, actually. "People that make us feel like we have hearts—it's just as real as having a heart with you all the time, understand?" God I hope she did. I sure didn't.

She half-nodded, sitting up as if she was finally calmed down. I sort-of half-grinned at her, hoping to seem encouraging.

The next thing I knew, she'd practically knocked me over, wrapping herself around my neck, sobbing into my shoulder.

I froze for a moment, startled and unsure of what had happened. Then I did the only thing I could; I wrapped my arms around her, folding her in what I hoped was a secure, supportive embrace, and rocked her back and forth, allowing her to finish her spell in my arms.

When she was able to stop crying, she pulled back a little, but not enough to call for me to let go. I don't think she wanted me to, and I sure as hell wasn't about to if she didn't make me. It felt nice, even if this was only because she was in a state of emotional distress, to be hugged.

She was breathing raggedly, worn out from her cry, "I'm…sorry," she whispered. I studied her, staring into her eyes for a long moment.

"You know, Raz," I realized in a low whisper. Her eyes asked when her mouth did not. I steadied myself with a breath, bracing myself for what I had just discovered, and continued, "Those people, who make us feel like we have hearts? You're one of mine." That's what this was.

I felt whole.

I felt complete.

Like…

Like I had a heart.

And then I couldn't take it anymore. I had to play. I leaned in, biting at her ear gently, tugging at her hair. Hey, she didn't have her pigtails anymore, but when you're this close, she could have been almost bald and I could still have pulled her hair.

And it worked, I guess.

She almost laughed. "Don't—" She shoved at my cheek, forcing me away. I sighed theatrically. "Axel?" She lifted her head, pushing her cheek against mine. I could feel her icy lips form the words, the air whipping past my skin almost cruelly, "If we keep this up…we won't need Xemnas or his stupid Kingdom Hearts, do you think?"

…an interesting theory.

We should definitely 'keep this up' and find out.

Especially since I didn't plan on living to see Xemnas attain Kingdom Hearts.

"I don't know," I told her, honestly. "I think…" I think I have no idea. "I think that I hope that you're right." Because I didn't know.

But…for now, I didn't have to.

What I did know was that I was with Raxet. And while I was with her, I felt whole. It was a nice feeling, even if it was only an illusion.

I also knew that she was playing with my robes, teasing the zipper seductively.

Yeah. We should definitely 'keep this up'.