Krazy Kai

Chapter Fourteen: Deep, Philosophical Thoughts Part Two—Secrets of the Purple Bandana

Fun fact: The five stages of grief are usually identified as denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Jack has gone from denial ("Karen doesn't like me? Impossible!"), to anger ("DAMN KAI!"), to bargaining ("This will all stop if I take off the bandana!") straight to stage 3.5—batshit insanity. Depression my ass.

The farmer's eyes lit up.

"Wait…you know the history of it?" Jack said, startled.

"Course I do," the old man replied. "Ain't they teaching you young'uns about it in school?"

"No," a disappointed Jack sighed. That would have saved him so much effort, too. "The man doesn't want us to know about it. So, how'd this all begin?"

The restaurant owner poured some tea for both people. Since this place was so far into the mountains that the only thing the tea could possibly be made of was strange herbs, Jack ignored it.

"Okay, if you really want to know…"

It all began during the 1400's, when the Harvest Goddess had only recently gained all her powers. Harvest Goddess the Seventieth passed her powers on to the Seventy-first, leaving her in control of the entire island.

She left the island's citizens under the command of a young man named Thomas, who looked like a jester. It would be cruel if such genetics were passed on to future generations. The Harvest Goddess continued to play a role in the everyday lives of citizens.

Like all Harvest Goddesses before her, the Seventy-first one had several servants. Many worked diligently, but there was a single one that was kind of an asshole.

'You're an eighty year old hermit living in a mountain range in an already rural and pleasant community. How do you know words like that?'

'Shut the hell up and let me tell my goddamn story!'

'…Okay…'

ANYWAY, Tobias was the only disobedient follower of the Harvest Goddess. Sticking out from the crowd with a purple cloth stolen from a Phoenician trade ship on its way back from Tyre, he would frequently ruin the other servant's plans for his own amusement.

'Weren't the Phoenicians long before…'

'Shut it, will you? If I want a crossover between ancient civilizations hundreds of years apart, then damn it, I will!'

'Please continue.'

One day, Tobias approached the Harvest Goddess, challenging her superiority.

"HEY, YOU DUMB NOOB!" he shouted, causing the goddess to blink in confusion. "I BET YOU ARE TEH SUCK AND I ARE GOING TO BEAT YOU!"

'Could you refrain from modernizing the dialogue?'

'No. No I can't.'

'I'm leaving.'

'No, I need the company! Alright, fine.'

"Art thou a heretic?" the aghast Harvest Goddess gasped. "I reckon you wish to be slain for such blasphemy!"

'Fine, fine, modernize it for all I care!'

'I thought you'd see things my way.'

"You thinks y'all funny 'n' shit?" the green haired maiden threatened. "Is da Harvest Goddess gonna hafta blow yo ass up?"

"It be in da rules, dawg!" Tobias defended himself. "Y'all gotta go before da committee an' show dem that you's qualified!"

The Seventy-first Harvest Goddess was not about to defy the rules, in fear of losing her job. Her case was heard before the Three Judges of the Island, ageless sages that existed since the dawn of mankind. All of their faces were concealed by hoods, making them look like an incarnation of death.

The first sage claimed it was "just a'ight, but that he wasn't 'feeling it'."

The second sage gave nothing but praise for her rule over the island.

Her fate rested in the hands of the third and final Judge of the Island. The third Judge was infamous. Some referred to him as the Son of Beelzebub, while others referred to him as Simon.

"Mortality is too good for you," he commented. "That was just plain awful. I mean, are you supposed to be a goddess or some toddler playing with dolls here?"

The third sage raised his palm, forming a bright, red, glowing ball in front of it. With his free hand, he pulled down his hood, revealing his true identity.

"Tobias!" the goddess exclaimed. "Y'all better not shoot dat thing at me!"

Instantly, a violent red beam struck her. Her green hair transformed back into brown, and her skin charred as she lost her immortality. The girl, seconds away from collapsing, fired a final green spark into Tobias's face before her own death.

Tobias laughed maniacally, until the green bolt electrocuted him. His soul rose higher and higher up into his body, before pushing out of his skull and inhabiting the purple bandana he loved so much. At that moment, his eyes rolled back and he died.

"So the bandana's putting his soul into Kai's mind?" Jack inquired. "And how could he do all that magic stuff like kill the goddess if he was only a servant?"

"Oh, something about the Harvest Witch, children, barbequing, and so forth…"

"Those are some pretty friggin' important details!" Jack shouted. How dumb did this old man think he was? That wasn't something he could just overlook. "You think I can't handle the truth, don't you?"

"Perhaps," the elderly restaurant owner said solemnly. "Mere seconds after Tobias died, the second sage put on the bandana to see if it looked good on her. She became the first person possessed by Tobias. She hanged herself the next day. Tobias was a big enough ass to kill himself if he'd possessed an enemy's body. You're just a silly farmer who's most likely going to be burned at the stake by an angry mob. You're powerless."

"Then why did you save me?" Jack snapped. "And how do you know that I'm a silly farm…HEY!"

"One with the supernatural in his eyes can see anything… and those with telescopes can see almost as much. I see you when my telescope is targeted on… Well, who I spy on and why is unimportant! And I saved your life because I needed someone to try our new soup. But now I'd rather slice your tongue into bits and throw it over the cliffs!"

"Enough!" shouted Jack. "I'm starting to not care what you think of me—probably because your hatred isn't anything new! All I care about is where you get your knowledge!"

The old man turned away, almost in shame. The floor underneath him was only the earth, and portions of the dirt slowly turned to mud.

"Y…you… You come in here and wake up all these bad memories… And you want me to further exacerbate my mind by reliving them?"

"What do you mean?" questioned Jack, approaching the confusing man slowly.

"I was the first sage, the very first Judge of the Island!" he spilled out, tears bursting from his eyes and showering the room. "That's why I had to add all the slang into the dialogue. Don't you watch American Idol? The system of 'gangstah', 'overly sensitive drugged-up woman', and 'asshole' has existed for millennia! And who knows what Tobias will do to me once I'm found out!"

"Wimp!"

Jack smacked the sage. "You've lived for millions of years! I knew that even before I knew you were immortal!" A tear slid down his face at this comment. "You have all these powers, and yet you still let Tobias run around! Kai's going to friggin' die because of him! Because of you! So shut the hell up and get out of retirement!"

"I can't," the responded, bitter and serious. "I've weakened too much over the years. Even that little Stu kid beat me up the other day when I decided to go back to the village. I need an heir to my powers…"

He noticed Jack repeatedly pointing at himself.

"…I may as well keep you as a temporary apprentice. At least until I find one that's actually qualified."

Jack decided to cheer for himself, despite the old man's comment being an extremely malicious insult.