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But Chuck Norris owns you all.
Harry Potter and the Floating Porcupines
MIST!
Dumbledore is a chain smoker and apparently his lighter sucks. Literally.
Old Lady: Bonjour Albus. I have returned from my tryst through the French countryside with my hot and sexy pool boy and will now help you deliver this helpless baby thing to his evil aunt and uncle.
Dumbledore: Excellent.
Old Lady: People are talking about this. This boy will be famous!
I'm tired of rumors starting
I'm sick of being followed
I'm tired of people lying
Saying what they want about me
Why can't they back up off me
Why can't they let me live
I'm gonna do it my way
Take this for just what it is
Coming is Hagrid. On flying bike is he. Harry has he.
Hagrid: Wake him not, young grasshopper.
Old Lady: Safe it be?
Dumbledore: Not safe be family of fat minus one. For plot purposes do this we must.
Hard is writing like this.
Wouldn't it totally suck if somebody stole him from the porch?
Caitlin: Why isn't his scar bleeding more? WHY!
Kelsey: Do you have some obsessive need for his scar to bleed?
Caitlin: (glare)
And now Harry Potter's scar is lighting up. This would so weird if this wasn't a movie.
Fast forward eleven years. Because all the stuff in between doesn't really matter.
Please notice how Harry Potter's scar is really obvious and his hair is all perfectly parted. And then later it's not.
Harry Potter lives in a closet. This isn't because family of fat minus one is evil, it's because they ran out of spare bedrooms. And obviously the closet was the most logical place to put him.
Caitlin: Wait, but doesn't he have his own room in the next movies?
Kelsey: …Maybe…
Haha, Harry Potter fails at life.
Who has a door to their kitchen? Isn't that a little weird?
Fat Man: VERMIN! COOK MY FOOD!
There are twenty billion presents in the kitchen.
Fat Boy: (looks completely confused) One…two…two…two…mummy…count them for me!
Fat Man: There are thirty six!
Fat Boy: NOOOOOOOOO!
Darth Vader: NOOOOOOO!
Wolverine: NOOOOOOOO!
Caitlin: NOOOOOOOO!
Kelsey: ….
Fat Boy: Hey mon, you don' love me nomore. But it's coo mon, I gots my happy time. Puff, puff.
Puff,
the magic dragon,
Lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn
mist
In a land called Honah Lee.
Little Jackie Paper
Loved
that rascal Puff,
And brought him strings and sealing wax
And
other fancy stuff.
Fat Boy is now a Puerto Rican who immigrated to Jamaica. Just F.Y.I.
FIELD TRIP!
In a battle of wits between Caitlin and a remote control, the remote controlis winning.
Kelsey: Caitlin, hit the play button.
Caitlin: (tries to play the movie but fails)
Kelsey: Caitlin! Just hit the damn button!
Caitlin: (death rays)
Harry Potter has absolutely no fashion sense whatsoever. He kind of looks like a miniature Nirvana boy. But you know, without the drugs.
Caitlin: Again! Whats with everybody wearing long sleeves in the summer!
Little children frolicking through the zoo.
Hey, if it's summer, why are they all in school uniforms?
--Did you know: Donald Duck was banned in Finland because he didn't wear pants
Finland
is the country where we dance
Finland is the country where we
play
Here in Finland boy and girl can find a true romance
In
traditional Scandinavian vay!
Harry Potter decides to start talking to a snake. Because clearly there's nothing better to do.
Harry Potter: Can you hear me?
Snake: Yessssssssss
Verizon Wireless Guy: Good.
Harry Potter: So…Excuse me, but I think I dropped something! MY JAW!
Snake: Get losssssssssssst.
Harry Potter: Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
Snake: That'sssssss jussssssssst ssssssssad.
Harry Potter: If you were a laser, you'd be set on "stunning".
Snake: That'ssssss it.
So the snake goes on a wild rampage and tries to eat fat boy. But fat boy was too chewy to eat. Bad for the digestive system you see.
Fat Boy is channeling his inner mime. In the snake pit.
Fat Man: YOU!
Harry Potter: Dude!
Fat Man: YOU DID THIS WITH YOUR MAGICNESS!
Harry Potter: What magicness?
Fat Man: Oh yeah, that's not till later. Whoops.THERE IS NO MAGIC!
Caitlin: No magic, huh? HUH? Well they say there are no hypothetical pirate either, but you didn't see that stopping Hypothetical Pirates of the Caribbean did you? HUH? HUH! WHAT NOW?
Fat Man: What?
Harry Potter: Your mom.
Harry Potter has mail.
Harry Potter: Your mom has mail.
Caitlin's life is made. Because she has a lean pocket. With cheese and bacon or something.
Dumbledore isapparently a stalker.
Fat Man: THERE ARE NO LETTERS! OR OWLS! THERE ARE NO OWLS!
But there are owls. And they are currently infesting the house and the entire neighborhood.
Letters are flammable. And flammable means the same this as inflammable. Because it kind of sucks when you don't know that.
Caitlin: Inflammable means flammable? I didn't know that.
Fat Man: YAY! SUNDAY EQUALS NO MAIL!
But Fat Man is wrong. Oh so very wrong.
It's
raining mail
Hallelujah it's raining mail, Amen
It's raining
mail
Hallelujah it's raining mail, Amen
And even though the house is flooded with fifty billion letters, Harry Potter is completely inept and can't read one.
Harry Potter is hitting puberty in the middle of the movie. Hehe.
Fat Boy: Did daddy forget to take his crazy pills today?
Fat Man: Your face forgot to take its crazy pills today!
Fat Boy: Your dad!
Fat Man: I'm your dad fat boy!
Fat Boy: Oh…..damn.
So everybody goes on vacation to a creepy ass island.
Harry Potter is bed deprived SO he decides to write on the floor.
AWWWW! Harry is unloved. He needs a hug!
Giant man is beating in the door of the little house. But giant man is very nice and at least tries to fix the door.
Fat Man: I demand that you leave at once!
Because Giant man was going to listen.
Giant man thinks fat boy is Harry Potter, but he is wrong.
Harry Potter is scared.
Giant Man: Oh great! You're supposed to save the whole freakin world and you weigh like what, 24 pounds (or whatever that is in the metric system)! And you wear glasses? What kind of superhero wears glasses? You are such a nerd!
Harry Potter: Your face is a nerd!
Giant Man: Have cake!
Marie Antoinette: Let them have cake!
French People: KILL HER!
Harry Potter: I love cake!
I'ts
a piece of caketo bake a pretty cake if the way is hazy
you gotta
do the cooking by the book you know you can't be lazy
never use a
messy recipe the cake would end up crazy
if you do it by the book
then you'll have a cake
we gotta have it made you know that I love
cake
finally it's time to make a cake
Who just takes cake from strangers? Didn't his parents ever teach him not to take candy from strangers? ...Oh wait...
--Did you know: Hitler used methamphetamines to keep him going during the day
Giant man: You're a wizard Harry!
Harry Potter: What?
Giant Man: A wizard!
Harry Potter: Huh?
Giant Man: A wizard. W-I-Z-A-R-D. Wizard.
Harry Potter: W-wi-wizard? Wizard…wizard…hmmm…
Giant Man: Oh.my.gosh. The fate of the entire world depends on you and you are a complete moron.
Harry Potter: Your face is a complete moron.
Giant Man: …
Harry Potter: Hey, am I a wizard?
Gaint Man: …yes.
Harry Potter: Oh…your face is a wizard!
Giant Man: Well, yeah, technically…
Harry Potter is salty.
Harry Potter: Your face is salty…Wait…
Harry Potter can't read so he has to have the voice over Harry Potter read for him.
Not Fat Lady: Your mom was a freak.
Harry Potter: Your face is a freak.
Muggle – non magic folk. Good to know.
Fat man: Dumbledore sucks!
Giant Man: Don't be hatin on Dumbledore beotch!
Why does Harry Potter feel compelled to read everything out loud?
It's kind of weird that Harry Potter just kind of decided to run away with a complete stranger. Because you would kind of think that if somebody was supposed to, you know, save all of mankind or whatnot that he would at least have the common sense to run off with extremely hairy strangers.
Quirell has a turban.
Tunak tunak Tun
Tunak tunak Tun
Tunak tunak Tun
Da Da Da
Tunak tunak Tun
Tunak tunak Tun
Tunak tunak Tun
Da Da Da
Harry Potter: Why am I famous?
Giant Man: Because I said so.
Harry Potter: ...oh.
Diagon Alley.
Okay, just because they are magic doesn't mean their buildings have to be so crooked.
There's magic and British people, Caitlin's life is made.
Look, it's a super amazing broom that Harry Potter would never just randomly get for no reason whatsoever. Especially not convieniently right before his first Qudditch match. That would never EVER happen.
Harry Potter discovers he is rich. It's kind of like winning the lottery. The magic lottery.
--Did you know: the pupil of an octopus' eye is rectangular
Caitlin: Why don't magic people have paper money?
Kelsey: Come on, you know the magic folks gots to have their bling-bling.
Vault 2.
Giant Man: This is super secret, Harry.
Little Man: Get back.
Yeek
yeek woop woop! why you all in my ear!
Talking a whole bunch of
crap
That I ain't trying to hear!
Get back mofo! You don't know
me like that!
(Get back mofo! You don't know me like that!)
Yeek
yeek woop woop! I ain't playing around!
Make one false move I'll
take ya down
Get back mofo! You don't know me like that!
(Get
back mofo! You don't know me like that!)
Harry Potter: That's it? I came all the way down to this stupid vault for a crappy piece of paper?
Giant Man: Damn straight.
Harry Potter decides to go get a wand. The wands don't like him very much.
Ollivander: I wonder…
Harry Potter: Wonder what?
Ollivander: None of your business.
You know the wand is right when your hair gets all wooshy. And of course his hair blows back so you can perfectly see his scar.
Ollivander: Curious…
Harry Potter: WHY DO YOU KEEP JUST SAYING WORDS AND NOT EXPLAINING THEM? WHAT THE HELL IS SO FREAKING CURIOUS?
Ollivander: Your face is curious.
Caitlin sucks at life. She restarted the entire movie. Kelsey is bitter.
- Flashback -
People are dying and it's all angsty and emo and sad, and apparently when that happens everything has a green tint.
- End Flashback -
Ollivander: Well there was this dude named Voldemort and he wasn't very nice. And there were these death eaters who ate death and Snape was one of them but then wasn't but he really was. And then there was you and you were important and oh yeah, don't say Voldemort's name outloud. And there's this one kid named Draco Malfoy and you're gonna think he's evil and he is but then he gets all emo eventually and kind of turns into a girl. And then Snape kills Dumbledore but some people think he didn't but I think he did. OH! But Cedric's really dead and you were totally there and then there's Sirius and he's not a serial killer AND he's not dead because that would be really sucky and I think you should go now.
Harry Potter: Sorry, what? I was distracted by that spec on the floor.
Ollivander: That'll be 10 galleons.
In the train station.
Mrs. Weasley: ATTENTION EVERYBODY IN THE GENERAL VICINITY. WE ARE MAGIC FOLKS AND WE ARE GOING TO RUN THROUGH THIS WALL INTO THE SECRET TRAIN AND GO OFF TO MAGIC LAND. PLEASE CONTINUE ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS AND DON'T PAY US ANY MIND.
So Harry Potter and Ron run through the wall. Just because.
Welcome to the matrix.
On the train...somewhere...
Harry Potter: Dude! You have red hair!
Ron: Dude! You have black-ish brown hair!
Harry: Dude!
Ron: Dude!
Harry Potter: Let's be friends!
Ron: Dude!
Harry Potter: I have money!
Ron: WHOA! Money? I've never seen money before.
Ron can never stop eating. No matter what.
How do magic people learn how to read or write if they don't actually go to school until their eleven?
Ron: This is scabbers.
Crazy Man: I've been waiting 13 years for this!
Random Person: No! That's the third movie. Third, as in not one.
Crazy Man: Damn.
--Did you know: Murphy's Oil Soap is the chemical most commonly used to clean elephants. Hermione knows.
Awww, it's miniature sexual tension.
Why does magic always equal fog?
Harry has the in with all the teachers. Because he's Harry Potter and he is so much better than you will ever be.
Dean Thomas looks exactly the same as he does in the fourth movie.
Shiny Haired Boy: Hello, I'm Malfoy. Draco Malfoy.
Harry: Hello, I'm Potter, Harry Potter.
James Bond: And I'm Bond. James Bond.
Harry Potter: Dude, wrong movie.
James Bond: Damn. (does barrel rolls out of the castle as random explosions go off and the 007 theme blares)
Draco: Hmm, oddly feminine tendencies, exceeding tight pants, a burning, passionate lust for Hermione Granger? You must be a Weasley!
Harry: Your mom's a Weasley.
Draco: Your dad's a Weasley.
Harry Potter: Your uncle's a Weasley.
Draco: Your great-grandmother's a Weasley!
Harry Potter: Your second cousin twice removed's dog is a Weasley!
Draco: HEY! YOU CAN INSULT MY MOTHER, YOU CAN INSULT MY UNCLE, BUT ONCE YOU INSULT MY SECOND COUSIN TWICE REMOVED'S DOG, YOU HAVE GONE TOO FAR! WE ARE ENEMIES, HARRY POTTER, ENEMIES! NOW EXCUSE ME WHILE I GO CRY AND WAIT TO BECOME A DEATH EATER!
Harry: But death eaters don't cry.
Draco: I will cry if I want to!
It's
my party and I'll cry if I want to
Cry if I want to, cry if I want
to
You would cry too if it happened to you
Old Lady: Now before we start, Dumbledore would like to say a few words.
Dumbledore: A few words.
--Did you know:in Ancient Peru, when a woman found an 'ugly' potato, it was the custom for her to push it into the face of the nearest man
So everybody gets sorted and it's amazing and they're eating and being jolly and whatnot.
Ron: She's mental, that one. And by "she's mental," I mean "I loveher with the white hot passion of a thousand burning suns."
The Bloody Baron looks like Captain Hook.
And now it's tomorrow...
Old Lady is a cat. That's cool.
Snape's robes are exceptionally billow-y and intimidating today. The look suits him.
You know you're not supposed to write in magic land.
Harry Potter: (write, write, write)
Snape: Oh hell no.
Harry Potter: (still writing)
Snape: Damn it Harry Potter! Stop writing! Why do you think you are soooo much better! HUH? (Death rays)
Harry Potter: I'm sorry, what? I was distracted by the shiny-ness of your hair.
Snape: I'll give you one more chance. Tell me what would I get if I added root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?
Harry Potter: Um…
Snape: Well let's try again. Where Mr. Potter would you look if I asked you to find me a bezoar?
Harry Potter: Uh…
Snape: And what is the difference between monkswood and wolfsbane?
Harry Potter: I don't know.
Snape: You don't know? Fine, I'm killing Dumbledore.
Look at what you did, Harry Potter, look at what you did.
Breakfast...
Here's the mail it never fails, it never fails! It makes me wanna wag my tail! When it comes I wanna wail: MAIL!
There is some foreshadowing here, but we missed and the rewind button doesn't work very well.
Flying time!
Haha, Neville is stupid. And chubby. He's a little chub-ball.
Magic people are so cool that they can fall off buildings and only get a broken wrist.
Draco Malfoy has decided that if the whole death eater thing doesn't work that he's just gonna be a male model.
Harry Potter catches the ball and everybody thinks this is the greatest thing since sliced bread. But really, was sliced bread such a big deal? It's not like you couldn't eat the bread without it being sliced. Just cut it yourself, it's not rocket science.
Kelsey: He just caught a ball. It's not like he cured cancer or anything.
Caitlin: Or did he?
Everyone in Quirell's room is high.
Oliver Wood is amazing.
Harry Potter is way too energetic about his hand gestures.
So Harry Potter and company frolic into the evil hallway of doom. Because walking back down the stairs was obviously way too hard.
You know, if it was really some big important secret room, you'd think that the little unlock-y spell wouldn't work.
And they all just stand around waiting for the giant dog of doom to wake up.
OLIVER WOOD!
Gabby: I'd like to … his biggerstaff.
So they all play the happy game with the balls. Haha…balls.
I love how he's the seeker and he has no idea what he's doing.
--Did you know: in 1977 there were 37 Elvis impersonators in the world. In 1993, there were 48,000. At this rate, by the year 2010 one out of every three people will be an Elvis impersonator.
Hermione is amazing and Ron is bitter.
Flitwick: Oh, lookie! She's done it!
Harry Potter: Your mom's done it!
Flitwick: Well, yeah…that's generally where baby's come from.
Harry Potter: But…but…what about the stork.
Flitwick: Santa Clause ate him for Thanksgiving dinner with the Easter Bunny.
Harry Potter: NOOOOOOOOOO!
Halloween...
There's a troll. And Quirell is a girl.
Hermione has apparently been in the bathroom for 5 hours.
Harry Potter and Ron decide to throw rocks at the giant troll. And Hermione hides under sinks.
Ron's just kind of chilling, you know, just taking his dear sweet time.
Old Lady: What's going on?
Harry Potter: Um, well, you know, we were just hanging out in, um, the girls' bathroom. And then there was like this troll and you know, it was here and we were here. And, you know, it was kind of bad but then it was all cool and stuff. Yeah, that's like totally what happened.
That next day.
Harry Potter: So even I have absolutely no reason whatsoever to think this, but I totally think Snape let the troll in.
Ron: That's nice, but you have an oddly broom shaped package that you should open.
Harry: Hmmm, I wonder could be in this oddly broom shaped package.
Harry Potter: OMGnoway! Its a broom!
Thank you for being so persistant Captain Obvious.
Even though he's never been onthis broomin his life, Harry Potter goes and plays his first game ever on it. And he wins, just so you know and because I really don't want to tell you anymore about it. Oh, and there's some bad stuff that happens and everyone thinks it's Snape's fault but Hermione sets him on fire so it's all good.
Moving on…
The giant evil dog is named Fluffy. And somebody somewhere is named Nicholas Flamel.
Christmas Time!
Chess is violent in magic land.
Harry Potter has apparently never gotten a Christmas present in his life.
Harry Potter is invisible. This is why it's convenient that he's magic.
Harry Potter's being a bad boy.
Bad boys, Bad Boys
Whatcha gonna do when they come for you?
Bad Boys, Bad boys
Whatcha gonna do when they come for you?
Snape is being a bully. A big, fat, evil, "I'm-going-to-kill-Dumbledore-at-the-end-of-the-sixth-book" bully.
Caitlin and Kelsey are bitter.
There is a magic mirror and Harry Potter thinks that his mummy and daddy are hiding in the mirror.
Mirror
Mirror hanging on the wall
You don't have to tell me whos the
biggest fool of all
Mirror Mirror I wish you could lie to me
and
bring my baby back to me
Harry tells Ron and Ron is happy and then Dumbledore tells Harry Potter to back the hell off the mirror. So he does.
--Did you know: Kermit the Frog is left handed.
The owl is the bringer of seasons.
Hermione figures out about the Nicholas guy and the Sorcerer's Stone. Oh yeah, that's what the giant three-headed dog is guarding. Since that's kind of a pretty major plot part.
Hermione: There are other things guarding the stone, of course!
Thank Capitannella Obvious.
Giant Man has a dragon. Just because.
And now Malfoy knows and everybody has detention. And Malfoy is salty.
Caitlin: Old Lady is a good actress.
Kelsey: Well she's a thousand years old, I'd hope she's figured it out by now.
Detention with Giant Man in the evil, dark forest of doom.
Malfoy: We can't go in there! There are things in there! Werewolves!
Kelsey: LUPIN!
And so even though the forest is big and scary and infested with evil, and even though Harry Potter is supposed the savior of the world, Giant Man just leaves him alone with Shiny Haired Boy.
Unicorns have shiny blood. That is so cool.
Harry Potter just kind of hangs out and hopes the evil thing of doom won't eat him. But luckily horseman saves him.
Harry Potter: Was that Voldemort?
Horseman: Your face is Voldemort.
Dumbledore is the savior of Harry Potter.
--Did you know: porcupines float in water
Harry Potter makes the most random connection of all time. Because none them make any sense at all, but Harry Potter still thinks he's the biggest genius in the world.
Harry Potter: Someone is going to steal the Sorcerer's Stone!
Old Lady: Psh! I am Old Lady! Nobody gets past Old Lady.
Snape is eye-raping Harry Potter.
Harry Potter: We have to steal the Sorcerer's Stone. Now. Clearly, that is the only smart thing to do.
Neville: I KEEL YOU!
Hermione: Bitch, please.
So they frolic to the secret trap door. And then the dog wakes up and this is rather inconvenient. And then the plants eat them.
Harry Potter: Ohh! Shiny plant thing!
Hermione: Its evil.
Harry Potter: Your face.
Ron: OMG! The plant is trying to rape me!
Hermione: Relax.
Ron: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
You know, if I was being eaten by a giant plant, I don't think I would relax either.
Why does everything in magic land have to rhyme.
There is a buttload of flannel in this movie.
The keys are flying at the speed of light.
Keys
go flying at the speed of sound,
to show you how it all
began.
Keys came flying from the underground,
if you could see
it then you'd understand,
ah, when you see it then you'll
understand?
Chess is fun. When it's not a giant killing machine.
Why do the pawns look like little Vietnamese soldiers?
Okay, if Quirell got to the place before them and had to play this evil chess game, shouldn't he be like almost done or something? Because he has been taking an exceedingly long time.
So Ron sacrifices himself because he obviously can't jump off the giant thing.
Kelsey: Why is Harry so bloody?
Caitlin: Because he has to take all the scratches and cuts for him and Legolas.
Kelsey: Oh yeah.
Hermione and Harry Potter are wasting a crapload of time having sexual tension that should be reserved for Hermione and Ron.
Quirell is playing with the magic mirror.
Quirell: Mirror, Mirror on the wall. Who's the fairest of them all? Its me isn't it?
Mirror: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Quirell: Damn you mirror! How could you say such hurtful things! I thought we were ment for each other. How could it just be over.How can youyou do this! I can't believe I wasted 7 years of my life on you. (Sob, sob)
Harry Potter: Uhh...can we get back to me?
Quirell: Oh...right.
Talking. And more talking.
Harry Potter: Dude, I was totally wrong wasn't I?
Quirell: Basically.
Harry Potter: Damn.
Quirell is kind of losing his mind and becoming Gollum.
Where
once was light
Now darkness falls
Where once was love
Love
is no more
Don't say goodbye
Don't say I didn't try
--Did you know: the longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds
Voldemort: Let me talk to the boy!
Quirell: No master, you are not strong enough!
Voldemort: I am strong enough!
'Cos
I'm strong enough
To live without you
Strong enough and I quit
crying
Long enough now I'm strong enough
To know you gotta go
So Voldemort talks to Harry Potter about some stuff that may or may not have some importance to the plot of this movie.
Apparently snapping is magic too.
Quirell: I'm melting! I'm melting!
Actually, he's more like disintegrating.
Another
one bites the dust
Another one bites the dust
And another one
gone, and another one gone
Another one bites the dust
Hey, I'm
gonna get you too
Another one bites the dust
The evil wind knocks Harry Potter out. Of all things. An evil wind? Come on.
And now he's in the hospital. But he has candy so it's cool.
And the sweet Dumbledore is chilling.
The Sorcerer's Stone went bye-bye. And now people are going to die because they are like 59 million years old. Almost as old as Old Lady. Almost.
Whoo. Dumbledore is smart. This is good for many people.
Voldemort can still return from the dead. But that's the plot of the fourth book, so you should read that parody too.
Dumbledore: Do you know why Quirell couldn't touch you?
Harry Potter: Because I'm awesome.
Dumbledore: Word.
The hats, oh my god, the hats. The hats just need to die.
There's a feast now, so yeah, just remember that.
Slytherin won the House Cup. Except not. Because Dumbledore cheated and gaveHarry Potterpoints for breaking into the top secret hiding place of doom. Because he can.
Obviously, it was not that great of a hiding place if a bunch of 11 year old kids could figure it out.
Ron gets 50 points for playing chess and Harry Potter gets 60 points for saving the world. Because that makes sense.
Neville gets 10 points for being there. So that's nice.
Time for a little redecorating.
Everybody's saying bye-bye now.
--Do you know why the Mona Lisa is smiling?
Chuck Norris knows why the Mona Lisa is smiling.
So, obviously you don't know why. Because then you would have to be Chuck Norris. And you are not.
Giant Dude: Hey! Threaten people with your magicness.
Harry Potter: We're not allowed to magic outside of school.
Dude, you just broke half the rules the school ever had and now you decide to care?
And so the train goes away and the second movie is set up.
Fin.
A/N: Congratulations! You have officially read an entire parody! Hooked on Phonics would be proud. We realize this parody had absolutely no plot whatsoever, but we like that way. And we weren't exactly paying attention to the movie. And remember, Chuck Norris eats people who don't leave reviews.