Title: I Shall Believe
Author: Steph
Rating: PG
Pairing: Robin/Patrick
Category: Drama/Romance
Disclaimer: I do this out of a love for this couple. No infringement is intended.
Spoilers: Spoilers for episodes this upcoming week: Wednesday (7/26) Thursday (7/27)
Summary: Based on spoilers for this week. Robin comforts Patrick as he faces an uncertain future.
Note: So, I received a request for this fic from a very kind reader. Many of you may have heard and seen the Patrick spoiler for this week. After hearing about the ABC Soap Scoop and then seeing the scene on it, I knew I had to try my hand at it before I saw GH's version. It's supposed to bring them closer, so I let them open up to each other. I have no idea if it will go anything like this, but this is what I'd like to see. For the record though, I am really looking forward to those scenes. It seems from what JT has said that GH may have gotten it right and I have no doubt that he and Kim will knock it out of the park! Anyway, hope you enjoy it and please let me know what you thought! -Steph
--- I Shall Believe: Part 1/1 ---
Robin pulled open her locker, as the tears began to blur her vision. She brought a shaking hand up to the door to steady herself, before taking a step back and sinking down onto the bench. She squeezed her eyes closed, as her heart pounded wildly in her chest.
She could still see the cut on his finger and the blood on his hands. The immediate look of fear that appeared in his eyes was burnt into her mind.
How could this have happened? How could this have happened to him?
She felt the bile rise up in her throat, as her mind was suddenly filled with memories of the past. When she found out she had been exposed to the virus...when she learned that she had tested positive.
After she realized she had been exposed and needed to be tested, it was the waiting that had proved to be the hardest part. The unknown ate her up inside. Her mind went places she didn't want to venture. Dark, hopeless places. Then there were the moments she let herself believe she was going to be okay, that she was going to be all right. She held onto those moments when the darkness threatened to consume her.
And now Patrick was going to have to experience the same thing. He was going to have to confront his fears, the what ifs, the unknowns. He would have to travel to those dark places. But it would be those rare moments of hope that he would need to hold onto. She only hoped he would let her help him do that.
Robin shook her head, as she thought of the worst case scenario coming true. Patrick could have this terrible disease. Strong, invincible, beautiful Patrick could have HIV.
The memories of Alan telling her the results played in her mind's eye, like a sad, old movie. She hadn't wanted to believe it. She insisted the results must have been wrong. But they weren't and she knew it broke Alan's heart to have to make her believe, accept, the truth.
Robin remembered how she felt as if the air had gotten sucked out of her lungs when she heard the truth. It was like the wind had been knocked out of her by some invisible force. In an instant, her future disappeared. Becoming a doctor, getting married, having children...all of her dreams vanished in one terrible moment.
It would take her a long time to realize that those dreams could still come true. It would take a lot of faith, support from the people who loved her, and advances in the treatment of HIV to make her believe in the future again.
And now Patrick, the man who had slowly found his way into her heart, was facing his own uncertain future. Robin wiped at the tears now streaming down her cheeks, as a selfish thought entered her mind. What if he did test positive? What if he wasn't as lucky as she was and progressed more quickly? Would she be able to handle losing another man she loved to this disease?
Robin shook her head, the thought too much to ponder and feeling guilty for thinking about herself when Patrick was going through hell.
She took a deep breath and wiped at her cheeks again. He needed her right now. As much as he would hate to admit it, he needed her to be there for him. And she was determined to help and support him in any way she could.
She slowly stood up, her legs wobbling beneath her, and began to change.
---
Robin didn't know why she thought to look for him there. Maybe it was because the water always had such a calming effect on her. She remembered telling Jason that she liked how endless it seemed, like it held so many possibilities. She figured maybe it did the same thing for Patrick.
Her eyes landed on his hunched figure, sitting on the edge of the dock. He was staring out at the still water, the silent night's air threatening to swallow him whole.
She took a few steps forward, stopping a yard or so behind him. If he heard her, he didn't make it known.
She licked at her lips, saying softly, "Patrick?"
He raised his head to look up at the star-filled sky, but still didn't acknowledge her presence.
Robin hesitantly took a few more steps forward, until she was standing just behind him. She slowly lowered herself to her knees, as her eyes focused on his figure. After a few moments, he glanced to the side, but didn't meet her eyes. His face was red and his eyes glistened with unshed tears. He then looked upward, as he reached his arm out and placed it on her knee. Robin covered his hand with hers.
She looked down at the hand and its bandaged finger. His hands. His precious hands. They were so skilled, the instrument of his God given gift to heal. And yet today it was as if they had betrayed him. It was almost a cruel joke. How many lives had those hands saved? How many futures had they restored? And, now in an instant, those same hands were the reason he was facing an uncertain future.
He brought his left hand up and rubbed at the back of his head, before covering his mouth with it. Robin grabbed ahold of his arm and placed her head on his shoulder, as the fear and uncertainty he radiated nearly overwhelmed her.
They stayed like that for a long time, until he suddenly bowed his head and whispered, "Please go."
Robin squeezed her eyes shut, as she removed her head from his shoulder. She was afraid this would happen. He was shutting down and pushing her away. But she had made a promise to herself. No matter how hard he pushed, this time she wasn't going to walk away.
"I'm not going anywhere," she replied softly.
Patrick ran a hand through his hair and shut his eyes. "I don't have the energy to argue with you, Robin. Please just leave me alone."
"I can't do that, Patrick."
"You mean you won't," he replied tightly.
She nodded. "That's right. I won't."
She then moved forward and sat beside him on the edge of the dock. She turned her head and looked at him. He was staring blankly at the water.
After nearly ten minutes of silence, he swallowed hard and suddenly began speaking. His voice emerged so softly that Robin had to lean closer to him to hear him. "When I was five, I was convinced I was Superman. I mean, convinced. No one could tell me otherwise. I actually thought I could fly. So, one day, I put on my Superman costume from Halloween, went up to the attic, climbed out the window, and stood on the roof. Then I jumped. I fell on the driveway and broke my arm in three places."
He dropped his eyes down to his lap. "I remember my dad sitting with me as they put the cast on. He looked at me and he said, 'Patrick, what were you thinking trying to fly? You're just a little boy. You're not a superhero.' I told him that I had wanted to believe I was because superheroes can fix everything and they don't get sick and they don't die." Robin's eyes scanned his face, as he took a deep breath and went on. "My mom had been diagnosed with a tumor the week before and they had just told me about it. I guess I wanted to be able to fix it for her. I guess I wanted to believe in some perfect world these things didn't happen. She was lucky though. They operated and she received treatment. She lived another twelve years before it showed up again."
He finally turned to look at her and she saw all of the emotions swirling around in his eyes. It just about broke her heart.
He slowly licked at his lips. "Why are you here, Robin?"
She met his eyes and gave him one of the many reasons. "Because I know what it feels like."
Patrick laughed bitterly. "Feels pretty crappy."
Robin nodded, "Yeah, it does," She paused and then added. "And it's okay to be angry."
He shook his head sharply, pulling his eyes away from her and focusing on the sliver of moon suspended in the sky. "I have no right to be angry."
"Of course you do, Patrick. You have every right to feel however you want."
He snapped his head back to look at her. "How can you say that? It's just a possibility for me, Robin. You live with it everyday and have for years. I don't have a right to feel angry about something that's just a possibility. Six months from now, if I find out I'm fine, I'll go about living my life, like nothing ever happened, but you'll still have to live with this for the rest of yours."
Robin shook her head. "It won't be like nothing ever happened, Patrick. This will stay with you, even if it turns out you're fine. It will change you."
He didn't need her to tell him that. He could already feel himself changing. He could feel it the moment he saw the blood on his hands.
He met her eyes and stared at her for a long moment. "How did you do it? How did you stand the waiting? How did you keep yourself from going crazy with what ifs?"
"I didn't. Patrick, I wish I could tell you there was an easy way or a right way to do this. But there isn't. You're human. You're going to worry and you're going to be scared. But you have something I didn't. You have knowledge. You're a doctor. You know about HIV, its progression, and its treatment. You know about the advances that have been made. I was just a kid...A scared out of my mind kid, who was already dealing with the fact that I was about to lose my first love. And the advances weren't what they are today. I couldn't help but feel like if those tests came back positive, then I was going to be among the living dead."
He ran a hand across his face and sighed, then met her gaze again, as he swallowed around the lump in his throat, his voice constricted with emotion. "What was it like when you found out?"
Robin hesitated. She was trying to get him to see that he had hope she didn't, but she also wanted to truthfully relay her experience.
She bit at her bottom lip before replying, "I couldn't breathe. I didn't want to believe it. I felt like I had been handed a death sentence. It was like my entire future when up in smoke. Being a doctor, getting married, being a mother. Everything just vanished."
He pursed his lips and nodded his head. Robin watched his reaction and then reached out and cupped his cheek, forcing him to look at her. "But, like I said, it's different for you. It's a different time and you're in a different place in your life. Patrick, if someone told me back then, that today I'd be a doctor living a happy, healthy life I would have called them a liar. Yet, here I am. And, yes, I have to be careful and take medication and monitor my condition, but I also know that everyday that I am healthy is a gift that's not to be wasted."
Patrick stared at her, realizing for the first time just how strong and brave she really was. She had dealt with this at such a young age and had come out on the other side. He suddenly regretted every time he criticized the way she lived her life. She had never deserved anything less than his awe and admiration.
In that moment, he was sure he didn't have her strength or courage.
"It helped make you who you are, didn't it?" he said.
Robin thought for a moment, then nodded. "I spoke at a conference the other day and after I finished my speech, this woman came up to me and she asked me a question I've never been asked before. She asked me if I could go back in time right now and do it all over again knowing what I do, would I? I honestly didn't know how to answer her. At first, I thought it was a ridiculous question. Why would I choose to live with this disease? It wasn't until I was driving home that I realized why she had asked it. She saw that it had helped make me who I am. It helped me become strong and brave and determined. She knew that it gave me a purpose, trying to educate others, that I wouldn't have had otherwise." She paused and then shook her head, "The truth is, I know where this path led me. It gave me courage and strength that I never would have imagined I could possess. I don't know where the other path would have led me, but I know I would be a different person, with a different life." She looked into Patrick's eyes and then said softly, "And I know it never would have led me to you. I can honestly say I'm happier than I've been in a long time."
Patrick dropped his eyes, feeling as if she was given him credit for something that he didn't deserve. How was it possible that he could have made her happy? He was arrogant and selfish and emotionally shutdown.
He brought his fingers up and rubbed between his eyes, then shook his head. "I guess I probably deserved this. The kind of person I am, living the way I do."
Robin's eyes widened. "Don't say that, Patrick. No one deserves this."
"But maybe I do. This is what is commonly referred to as a wake-up call, right?" he said softly, his eyes meeting Robin's. "I mean, I've spent my entire adult life living without a care in the world. It's hard to care when there's no one but yourself in your life and that's just how you want it to be. All along, I was doing it to protect myself. Can't get hurt if no one gets too close. Nothing bad can happen. I thought I was living this carefree life. Turns out, I wasn't really living at all." He paused and then added, his eyes dropping from hers. "And there's no real way to protect yourself, no matter how hard you try."
He knew that all that too well. She'd managed to break down some of his walls and find a way into his heart. And as if his carefully constructed world hadn't already crumbled enough from the feelings she awakened in him, now he was forced to face the life he was living and his own mortality.
He took a deep breath and lowered his head, as his hands ran up and down his thighs nervously. "I just keep thinking how much things can change in less than a year. Last year at this time, I was in Manhattan with a different girl every night, if that's how I wanted it. I had no real friends. No family. No one I cared about. If this had happened then, I wouldn't have had anything to lose." He swallowed and licked at his dry lips, as he slowly turned to Robin and said softly, "That's not the case anymore. There's my father...and there's you."
Robin blinked back tears and moved closer to him, so close their lower bodies were touching. She reached out and placed her hand over his.
Their gaze held for a long moment before he went on, shaking his head, and averting his eyes. "And a year from now, who knows what my life will be like? It changed for the better and now it's all just up in the air. I never thought much about the future. I would live day-to-day. Now I have no choice but to face it and it's so uncertain. I feel like there's nothing I can count on anymore."
Robin brought her free hand up and touched his chin. He slowly raised his head and met her eyes. "You can count on me," she said quietly. "I'll be right here with you every step of the way."
Patrick's eyes surveyed her face. He didn't deserve her in his life. He was more sure of that now than ever. And he couldn't comprehend why she wanted to be a part of it.
His brow furrowed. "Why? I mean, besides the fact that you've been through this. I haven't give you much of a reason to stand by me."
Robin tilted her head. "You don't really believe that, do you?"
He nodded. "Robin, I've pushed you away every chance I've gotten. I've disappointed and failed you more times than I care to count."
"And what about when you saved my life?" she asked, as she kept her eyes focused on his. "You refused to give up on me."
"I was just doing my job," he replied in a low voice.
"No, you weren't. You did it because you cared. Even then, you cared. And I wouldn't be here right now if I didn't care." She lowered her eyes, her voice dropping an octave. "More than you know."
She wanted to tell him that somewhere along the way he had captured her heart, but she knew there was no place for that now. This would have to be enough.
She then shook her head sharply. "You need to stop acting like you're being punished in some way, Patrick. You need to stop thinking like that right now or it's going to tear you up inside. This isn't a punishment. It's just something that happened. What matters is how you deal with it. And letting the people who care about you help is a good start."
Patrick let out a breath and then tore his eyes away from her, as he lifted his head and fought back the tears. Then he smiled bitterly, "This whole thing is actually kind of funny if you think about it. A couple of days ago, my biggest problem was that a prince had sent you flowers and you were having dinner with him. And how did I deal with it? Like a jealous child."
A smile pulled at Robin's lips. "So you finally admit that you 'do jealous', huh? This was all it took."
He chuckled mirthlessly and nodded, as he looked down at her. "Yeah. It just kind of puts things into perspective, I guess. I mean, how much time have we spent bickering like six year olds and playing childish games?" His voice softened abruptly, "How much time have we wasted?"
"Too much," Robin said softly.
Patrick slowly licked at his lips, as his piercing eyes captured hers and he brought his hand to cup her cheek.
He leaned in close to her, his breath tickling her lips, "Maybe I don't want to waste anymore time."
With that, he covered her mouth with his. Robin brought her hand up to the hair at the nape of his neck and gripped it with her fingernails. He entangled his hands in her hair and deepened the kiss. He felt like he was holding onto her for dear life. The kiss grew feverish and desperate, as his mouth ravaged hers.
Robin felt like her head was spinning. She slowly pulled back and placed her hands on his chest.
"What's the matter?" he asked, breathless, licking at his lips.
She closed her eyes and bit at her bottom lip. "I don't want you to say or do anything that you're going to regret in six months."
Patrick's brow creased. "What are you talking about? Even though we said we'd take it day-by-day and not worry where it's going, that we wouldn't mention commitment and we'd continue doing sex with no strings, I still knew you wanted more, Robin."
"But is it what you want? Or are you just saying it because you're scared and vulnerable right now? You're afraid that time might be running out and you're filled with regrets for how you've lived your life so far. You feel powerless and you hate that you don't have any control over your future. Except for this...except for what we have. You were so scared to take a chance before and now you think this is all you have left. You think this is the one thing you can do something about."
Patrick took a deep breath and slowly let it out, as his eyes focused on her. "When I realized I had gotten cut and that I would need to be tested, that there was a possibility I could be infected, do you know the first thing I thought of after the initial shock wore off? The first thing that entered my mind as I sat right here on this dock, not more than an hour ago?"
Robin shook her head, as her chest began to tighten from the intense look in his eyes.
He continued to look directly at her, his voice growing husky, "I thought thank God I have you in my life. And it wasn't because you had been through this. It was because I knew you wouldn't let me push you away, no matter how hard I tried. I knew you would be here for me, even though I probably don't deserve it. Robin, when you showed up here, I realized something. I couldn't have made it through this a year ago because I didn't have you."
Robin could hardly believe she was hearing these words come out of his mouth. She looked at him now and saw a different man. In one moment, he had changed. She knew all too well how one moment can change everything. It had changed her both instantly and over time.
He rubbed his hand across his lips, as he bowed his head. "I told you about what my parents had. It was never more evident than when my mother became sick. My father would sit at her bedside for hours and just hold her hand. He would read her articles from Entertainment Weekly when she was too weak to read herself. He would lie next to her in bed and watch these cheesy romantic comedies that he hated. Or he would just hold her in his arms until she fell asleep. And I thought as strong and brave as my mother was, she needed him. He made it all a little easier to deal with."
Robin could feel her throat begin to burn. She swallowed hard. "It was that way for me with Stone. I was just there for him in anyway I could be. My love and support was the only thing I could give him."
Patrick nodded, meeting her eyes. "As I sat here and you put your head on my shoulder, you made me see it from my mother's perspective for the first time. I could see how much comfort my father must have brought her." He shook his head, his voice soft, "Robin, we talk about no strings, no commitments, but you were the first person I thought of and the only one I wanted to see tonight." He stopped and then added in a whisper, "And I never doubted that you would come."
Robin felt a tear slip down her cheek. She then smiled and looked at him. "There's nowhere else on earth I'd rather be than right here with you."
And that was all that needed to be said. Neither had to declare the end of no strings or the beginning of a real relationship. They said it in their own way. They showed it the only way they knew how right now.
Patrick brought his arm up and wrapped it around her shoulders. She slowly placed her head on his shoulder and he rested his on top of hers, as they stared out at the water.
The future was uncertain, but they knew one thing for sure. Whatever it held, they would face it together.
----------------------------------------------THE END---------------------------------------------------------
Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed it and please let me know what you thought! -Steph