A/N: OK. Still sad – but I'll be fast forwarding to the end of this soon. Bear with me please.

In honor of the last horrifying episode of PC being shown on SN today - Indulge in a little Rali why don't you?

It might just ease the end of the chapter too.

Until 46! xox-G

Chapter Forty-five

"There you are. I've been looking everywhere for you." Alison said softly as she came up behind him. Ella had gone to school hours ago and she knew he hadn't gone to the gym today. It had been ages since she'd seen him.

He had been sitting on Ella's bed. Rafe turned around and gave her a smile. "Sorry. I just needed someplace quiet. I was doing some thinking."

"About what?" She asked as she sat beside him.

"Things…" He said with a sigh. He ran his hand over Ella's pillow. "Remembering…"

One look at his face and she knew what he was thinking. "How we almost lost her?" Alison picked up his hand and linked her fingers with his.

"Yeah. And what it might have been like." His voice was quiet and she thought she heard a little sniffle.

"We didn't lose her, Rafe. We never really came close." Alison whispered as she gave his hand a squeeze.

"We came close." Rafe replied as he stared into her eyes. "You don't remember how horrible it was. I almost lost you…"

"I know but you didn't. We didn't. It's alright." A tear slowly ran down Alison's cheek.

"I know I've been distant for the last few months. I didn't mean to be." He began to explain. "I know I should let it go – this thing with Caleb – but I'm worried that he'll do something drastic again. And its times like these that make me worry – because I don't know how Lynnie and Ethan are dealing with this. I can't even imagine…"

"I know." Alison nodded. "It's awful."

Rafe freed his hand from Alison's and moved towards the bookcase. Toys spilled from every shelf, an ancient baseball hat sat on a teddy bear's head. He pulled it off and ran his fingers over the brim. "I mean can you even imagine life without her? If we lost even the promise of her – of any of them?"

"No." Alison watched him carefully. "I certainly can't."

Rafe looked like he was a million miles away. He continued to hold the hat in his hands as he moved around the room. "She came out bossy. Do you remember?"

"I remember. She looked furious with us. And the screaming. It was so loud." Alison replied with a small laugh.

"As soon as she could walk she never stood still." He continued. "She got her little hands into everything. Remember when she overturned that container of flour?"

"How could I forget?" She said softly. "It was everywhere. I think I'm still cleaning it up."

"And how she fought with you over everything." Rafe went on. "Like combing her hair and taking a bath. She's so different than Kate and Becky."

Alison smiled. She knew Rafe didn't play favorites with their children – but his love for Ella came pretty darn close. "Yes she is. And she's growing up but she still does give me a hard time, about a lot of things. When she thinks she's right she's very stubborn."

"Yeah. She can be." Rafe agreed as he placed the hat back on the bear's head and turned to her with a smile. "It must be because you're so alike."

"Are you kidding me?" Alison's mouth opened wide with shock. "Rafe Kovich. That child is all you and you know it."

"Huh?" Rafe looked genuinely surprised.

Alison moved closer to him and his arms curled around her waist. She reached a hand up, tracing the lines of his face as she spoke. "She looks just like you. She has your eyes and your dimples and your smile. She has your laugh. That little chuckle you make when you're teasing me, that's exactly the way she giggles."

He guessed he could see it now, Rafe thought as he leaned his cheek into the palm of her hand as the fingers on her other traced circles on his chest. Though it was hard to concentrate with the way she looked at him he could tell she wasn't finished. "And most of all - she has your heart. And I've never known anyone who uses their heart the way that you do. Whoever she winds up giving hers to will be so very lucky." She titled her face up to his and murmured. "I should know."

It was all it took. One look at her face and Rafe was lost. "You're wrong. I'm the lucky one." He whispered as he drew her closer. "No contest."

"Are we going to argue about this?" Alison replied with a smile as his lips covered hers.

He kissed her thoroughly and pulled back slowly. "Do you want to?" He asked with a twinkle in his eye.

"Sure." She said with a nod as she inched away and grabbed for his hand. "Let's just argue in our own room."

"Good idea." He replied as he dutifully followed behind.

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Ethan opened the door slowly; scared of what he'd find when he got to the other side. He hadn't wanted to leave her, but he had a huge order to finish by the end of the month and he'd already lost so many weeks.

Life was so different now. She'd had seven peaceful months but now Lynnie would wake up multiple times in the night, haunted by nightmares or visions, it was hard to tell which anymore. By the time she'd worked through them all she'd sleep like a stone, barely stirring when his alarm sounded.

He grasped onto anything he could that was familiar. Whenever they'd been through hard times before Ethan used to hold her. He used to hold her all the time, feeling her relax the moment his arms closed around her. It was what he did. It was what he'd been sent here to do.

But now, only during the night would she let him. When she woke from her dreams he would reach for her and pull her close. Her head would find that spot in the crook of his neck, her fingers would curl around his bicep and she'd cling to him, the tension easing from her muscles as he'd slowly rock her back and forth in his arms. They'd fall back to sleep that way, a jumble of limbs, her hand most times coming to rest just over his heart.

During the night - it was almost like they were okay again but it was only temporary. Because once the day came it was as if he barely existed.

The thing that worried him most was that she still hadn't cried. Not a single tear. Not when they'd said goodbye to Lilly. Not when she'd gotten a call telling her Lia had had the twins. Nothing at all seemed to move her.

In the past few weeks they'd gotten into a sort of routine. Every morning, Ethan would go to his workshop and Lynnie would retreat to her office. He really didn't know what she did all day. Maybe she was writing. Maybe she was reading. She said so little that he honestly had no idea.

He always came home for lunch though. He still couldn't bear to leave her alone for the entire day.

Ethan climbed the stairs and was immediately curious. He could hear her rushing around. Ethan walked into their bedroom, surprised at what he found.

Lynnie was dressed. For the first time she's shed her old maternity clothes and was back in an outfit he'd always loved, the blue of her sweater the exact same color of her eyes. She stood at the mirror, fastening an earring when she turned towards him.

"Hi. You're home early." She said softly.

"It's lunchtime, Lynn." He replied. "I always come home for lunch."

"Oh." She said simply, the sound left hanging in the air. It was like she'd never heard the word lunch before. She picked up a brush and ran it through her hair over and over, the sound it made almost hypnotic it was taking so long. She finally put the brush down carefully.

"Are you going somewhere?" He asked her then.

"I'm going to go see Lia and the babies." She replied.

Ethan's face fell. "Lynn. Honey. Are you sure you're ready for that?"

She blinked at him. "Ready for what? To see babies?" Her voice was clipped. "There will be babies – Ethan. They will be everywhere. Just because we don't have one doesn't mean the world will stop reproducing."

Her words wounded him like blows to the chest. "That's not what I meant. I just thought that maybe…"

"Don't think." Lynnie stared at him and shrugged. "It won't do any good."

She was scaring him to death. When they'd begun going to the counselor a few weeks ago he'd talked about that, how now she seemed like another person – someone he didn't recognize anymore. When Lilly died something died inside Lynnie too. In the last few weeks she'd become not only distant but cynical and sarcastic. Nothing at all like the woman he loved.

"Maybe I'm not ready." He whispered to her then. "Maybe I'm not ready to see them."

"No one asked you Ethan. I know you're busy. It's fine. I'll go by myself." She started to move past him.

"You can't go by yourself." He looked at her, shocked and hurt all at the same time.

Behind her heavy glasses she narrowed her eyes at him. "I can't?"

"No." He took a deep breath and gazed down at her, finally making himself say the words. "Lynnie. You need to help me here."

"Help you do what?" She looked at him blankly.

"You need to tell me what to do because I don't know..." Tears filled his eyes as he stared into hers. "I don't know anymore."

Lynnie shrugged. "There's nothing to do Ethan. We were going to have a baby and now we're not. She died. It's that simple."

"It's not at all simple, Lynnie." He replied. "I used to always know how to fix things but now – I can't seem to do anything right. All I want to do is help you. Please. Why won't you let me help you?"

"Only one thing will help me." Anger filled her voice as she pushed him back sharply. "Can you bring her back Ethan?"

It was all he wanted to do, and not being able to was eating away at him. His arms fell to his sides. "No." He whispered.

"Then don't keep asking me what you should do." She glared at him as she moved to the door. "Are you coming?" She asked over her shoulder.

Ethan nodded and fought to find his voice. "Yes. I'm coming."

No matter what had happened one thing was still for sure.

He'd follow her anywhere.