Chapter Forty-six

"She came over again the other day – it was awful." Lia said with a sniffle as she shifted Sean in her arms. She glanced over at Liam and couldn't help a smile from creeping across her face. It was one of the rare moments when one of them slept while the other was awake. She was not at all prepared for how motherhood would change her.

"It must be so hard." Kate said softly. "For you too, Lia."

"Don't worry about me. I can take it. I'm fine, but poor Ethan." Lia replied, tears in her eyes as she gazed down at her other son. She ran her finger over his cheek as she continued. "She barely talks to him."

"Oh my God." Chloe gasped. "She's still the same?" As soon as she had she said the words she knew she was one to talk. She went a whole year without really speaking to Grant herself.

"Poor Ethan." Kate agreed. "Colin and I saw him at the store the other day. He said Lynnie keeps waking up in the middle of the night thinking she's heard Lilly crying."

Kate took a peek at Alex before she continued. "He looked so sad.We wanted to bring him home with us but he wouldn't come. He said he had some stuff that needed to get done."

Lia nodded. "He's got a big order to finish. He's been working like crazy."

"Keeps his mind off things at least." Kate sighed.

Chloe wiped tears from her cheeks. "That's so sad. Isn't there anything we can do to help her – anything to help either one of them?"

It broke Lia's heart. Here she was, experiencing such incredible happiness, but at the same time she physically felt the pain Lynnie was feeling. It wasn't often that they were that in sync but this time it was certainly the case. She wished she could switch it for just a day. That she could take away all the saddness and Lynnie could experience the same amount of happiness she had in having the twins.

It was killing her. There wasn't much to do right now – not until Lynnie was ready to face reality. She knew her sister. She was pushing everything aside, trying to go on with her life – pretending, at least a little, that nothing had changed, nothing had happened.

She looked at her friends and knew her words wouldn't make them feel much better. "Right now – as hard as it is – I think we just need to leave them alone."

Lia blinked back tears as she finished. "…and be there for when they want us to come back."

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It was a beautiful day, but Lynnie didn't care. She sat by the window in her office, looking out at the yard below.

Ethan loved this house. She thought to herself as she gazed at the melting snow. They were never going to use all the land they owned, but the barn was just perfect for Ethan's workshop. She watched him hauling wood inside and blinked back tears. He looked so serious, so determined. She realized once again she hadn't seen him smile in weeks.

Soon it would be Christmas. That's around the time when Lilly was supposed to have been born. But things didn't go at all as she had planned.

She rocked back and forth in the chair Ethan had made for her. Her father and her uncle had taken away the baby's furniture but had left the rocker. She sat in it now and thought of all that might have been.

Sighing, Lynnie stood and walked to the desk. She sat down there and turned to the computer making sure to enter her password. Ethan wondered what she did while he was gone, and every day it was exactly the same. She came here and did the one thing she knew could keep her sane.

She wrote.

Not a book, not a story – well, not a fictional one at least. It was her story. The real story of what she'd been thinking since she'd lost the baby.

The story that no one could ever know, especially Ethan.

Ironically, she wrote in letters, each one addressed to him. Day after day, week after week, she'd sit here for hours and write down everything she couldn't say.

Taking a deep breath, she began to type.

Dear Ethan:

It's Thursday morning, almost a month since we've lost her. You've been gone for hours now and I know I didn't even say goodbye to you when you left.

I know every day that I'm hurting you and it's killing me. I want to try again to explain to you why.

You want me to cry. I can see that. You're practically willing me to. But I can't cry, Ethan. I can't shed even one little tear because I know for a fact that I won't stop.

If I cry you'll think that you need to comfort me and though there's nothing I need more it's not fair. It's not fair to you Ethan. I can't keep using you that way.

You got so much more than you bargained for didn't you? You came back and look what you've had to deal with.

You deserve more. You deserve to be happy. You deserve a wife who doesn't fall to pieces every five seconds. One you don't have to scoop off the floor every time you come home. One who you can leave for more than an hour without worrying if she's a puddle of tears when you come back. One who doesn't make you live on take out because she can't even use a microwave. One who can give you the children I know you so desperately want.

I used to think it was me you belonged with but I should have known better.

I'm doing everything I can to get you to go. I want you to go off and have a better life. You can only do that without me.

But every night – just when I think you won't come home there you are. And every morning, just when I think I'll wake to find you gone you're right there next to me.

I don't know what else to do.

Why won't you leave me? Why are you still here? What do I have to do to make you let go?

I don't know how I'll live without you – but I know you won't be able to really live as long as you have me to worry about.

I know you haven't heard me say this for weeks, but there's something that will always be true.

I love you, Ethan. Always.

Lynnie

Tears stinging her eyes, she closed and saved the file and turned the computer off. Taking a small key from her pocket she pulled open the drawer beside her and picked up a folder. Opening it slowly, she ran her fingers over thepapers inside.

Three more weeks. She thought to herself. If things were still like this in three more weeks she'd have to go to Plan B.

As she put the folder away she hoped it wouldn't come to that.

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"Hey Mom?"

Billie didn't look up from her textbook, not until she heard Ty repeat the words again. Her heart skipped a beat as she gazed over at him. She was still getting used to hearing him refer to her that way, but she had to say she secretly loved it. She had been so busy studying she hadn't heard him take a seat in the chair across from her.

"Hey sweetie." She gave him a smile. It left her face as she realized how serious he looked. "What's the matter?"

"Can you tell me something?" He asked, his voice shaking a bit.

Worried, Billie closed her book and stared into his eyes. "If I can – sure."

"How come…" Ty took a deep breath, still trying to sort it out in his own mind. "How come Lynnie's still so sad?"

Billie sighed. "Because – honey. She and Ethan – they lost their baby. They lost Lilly. They're both sad because they miss her."

Ty scrunched up his nose. "I know that. But can't they just have another one? Or maybe she should have two next time like Lia. So she'll have an extra just in case."

Billie smiled softly. Her little boy was just too sweet. "Every baby is different. Even if they have another one they'll still miss her. Maybe sometime later they can try again but right now it's still a little too soon. It doesn't work that way." She replied.

Ty looked back at her with a face full of innocence. "How does it work anyway?"

Billie blinked back at him in surprise. "W-w-what?"

He settled back in his chair and folded his arms across his chest, looking like the picture of Quinn as he did. "Yeah. I want to know. How'd that baby get in there anyway? Ella said she knows but she just told me something stupid."

Billie gulped and looked frantically around the room. Where the hell did Quinn go off to? She decided to divert the question. "Well. What did Ella say?"

"She said that when a lady and a man love each other and get married sometimes God decides that they should have a baby. So this angel comes down from heaven and watches over them and then they kiss a lot and go to sleep in the same bed and when they wake up the lady has a baby growing in her stomach." He rolled his eyes to show just how little that scenario impressed him.

"You see? Totally stupid." Ty blew his hair out of his eyes. "I mean - she's my best friend and all but sometimes she just thinks she knows everything."

Billie bit her lip to keep from laughing. In Ella's case that was pretty much the truth. Time to suck it up. She thought with a sigh. She knew this question was coming sooner or later. She'd been lucky to dodge it for this long. She took a deep breath and began. "She's on the right track, but honey there's a more scientific explanation."

At that precise moment, Quinn walked through the kitchen, grabbing an apple from the bowl on the counter and crunching it noisily. "Hey kid. Don't be going to your mom for answers in science."

"I beg your pardon." Billie gasped at him.

"I love you babe, but science is not your strong suit." He said with a chuckle.

"Oh. And it's yours?" She replied, knowing he was playing right into her hands. Ahh, Quinn. She thought to herself. You are your own worst enemy.

"Yeah. Pretty much." Quinn laughed louder. He leaned down and whispered in Ty's ear. "I once made this killer volcano for a project once. Won the science fair. I'll show you how."

"Really? Cool!" Ty's eyes lit up at the prospect of making one himself one day.

"Yep. So if you've got a science question – I'm your guy." He said proudly as he took the chair next to Billie.

Her mouth curled in a smirk as she pushed her chair back and began gathering her books. "You know what?" She said with a sigh. "You're probably right. This is just the kind of thing you should handle."

Smug and satisfied, Quinn grinned up at her. "So. What's the question, Slugger?" He asked as he took another huge bite of apple.

Before Ty could answer, Billie leaned down and whispered in Quinn's ear.

As he heard the topic at hand he nearly choked. Fighting laughter, she moved her mouth close to his and kissed him quickly.

"Hold on. Wait a second. Bill…" Quinn began to protest.

"Uh uh. This one's all you, Science Guy." She smiled as she straightened and sauntered away.