A/N: First attempt at Evangelion writing, though I've logged in plenty of words in another genre under a different name. Hope this is the start of a longer story with most my writing achieving at least 40,000 words so guess just have to see where it takes me...possibly nowhere beyond this point. Who knows...I'm sure this chapter puts forth my intentions for this story pretty well...just a start...of something...
Disclaimer: I don't own Evangelion or anything related to it in any way, shape, or form in this existence and probably any other existence...I have pretty shitty luck
Where Does Existence Lie?
Chapter 1
By: Frozenwords
Validating one's existence...really, should it be this difficult, but then I realize my life is just one big, cosmic joke that's never been all that funny, especially to me. I think, therefore I am...shouldn't that sum it all up. I have thoughts and I have feelings so I am real...aren't I? It shouldn't be this difficult...I shouldn't have to question my own existence, but then again, I doubt I am the only one who is plagued by such questions...especially in this world.
I pilot the Evangelion because it gives me purpose...because it helps define me as more than just a scared, nervous little coward who can't even stand up to a overbearing red-head. Being a pilot is my purpose as well as my prison, but I find this cage is the first place in a very long time I don't want to escape from. Evangelion has given me a purpose, but when I truly open my eyes, when I look past my Father, the Angels, and the pain, I see it has given me so much more.
Misato...she is my guardian, my friend...a mother? I chuckle quietly to myself as I think about that one. I think I'm more parent to her than she ever will be to me. However, she has given me a home, she has given me comfort, and she has given me someone who I will fight for because she could have easily done nothing for me but chose to do so much more. I am not stupid enough to believe that Misato is simply benevolent, to think she is just who she is. Like all of us in this twisted story, pain and tragedy sculpts her essence and I know part of her took me in out of pity and duty. I know this...but...but I also know in hidden in her straight forward simplicity is a far more complex being than most probably outside of Kaji can ever imagine...and I know within that web a part of her loves me and will die for me and I hope I can stay a deserving person for that type of response...who am I kidding, I'll screw this up like I do everything else.
Asuka...she is my fellow pilot, my friend...a sister? Again I can't help but laugh as I think of the fiery redhead. A friend? Yes I do believe she is because I know just like Misato so much lies underneath the surface of her brevity and assertiveness, that within the core of Asuka is a scared, lonely little girl who like me, seeks acceptance and purpose from a world that only wants to use us for its own scope. She claims she hates me but she doesn't. She says I'm an idiot but I've seen out of the corner of my eye her listening contently to me playing the cello even though I am no good. I'm not good at anything am I? Piloting the EVA...I'm good at that I think.
Asuka puts up the brave and dominating front because she needs to be seen, needs to be noticed by those around her because no one noticed her as a child...no one would notice her if she didn't pilot. I know that feelings so very well, and maybe it's a testament to the strangeness of humanity that me and her could be so different despite our lives being rooted in exactly the same spot with such a similar beginning. I chose to sink into the shadows alone while she screams in the light with everyone around her. Asuka is my friend though it would take the Apocalypse for her to admit that...at least she stopped calling me a twisted pervert...I can live with that.
Asuka is my friend despite her claims and her abuse and I know my presence helps her, that I give her something solid and clear in her life despite me being soft, bending, and opaque...I am on the outskirts of a family for her and maybe I can give her something other than EVA to grasp on to...before its too late. I want to help Asuka...I think I want to help everyone, or maybe I just want to validate my existence with something that is not as painful as EVA...questions without answers...this is the time we live in.
In another life I could see me and Asuka as brother and sister, in another life I could see Asuka and I as lovers...I can't help but blush at the comment despite the thought remaining in my head where no one could ever hear it. In another life...always in another life you can see any possibilities but I am in this life, living this world, and in this world Asuka and I are what we are and maybe when all the angels are gone, and the world doesn't need pilots anymore, Asuka and I can simply be two teenager friends...hopefully without the insults and the beatings...I really am a coward when it comes to her...just let her be...let her be.
Gendo Ikari...commander, cold bastard, and least...and I mean very least...my father. When mother died, she took anything that resembled warmth from him with her to wherever she went, leaving me behind to suffer in his frigid world. Thankfully I didn't have to grow up with him...thankfully? Who is thankful for not having to grow up with their parent? Does that make me a bad person...a worse person than I already am or does it just make me accepting of the hand that was dealt to me...four irrelevant cards and the ace of spades...
He believes in his mission, and he believes in Angels but I wonder if he believes in his son at all...why even after all this time...after all that has happened do I still desire his approval and acceptance? Some primal instinct interwoven into my being, that I need the one who helped create me to love me and approve of my existence...to validate my existence? The one who helped create me...does that mean I need God's love and approval to validate my meager existence? How can that ever be...approval from a man who sees me as a lackluster pilot at best, never as a son. How can that ever be...approval from a being who wants to end my existence as I fight away his messengers of destruction. Can I accept impossibilities if it means I can never prove my worth in this world? I guess I'll just have to be content at being worthless...my body shudders at that thought even in my current mood...I don't want to be worthless...
I feel a gaze falling upon my body, and my head turns the bare minimal to see out of the corner of my eye, hoping that no one in the class notices me noticing and there, clearly evident in the corner of my eye is blue, white and red. Blue hair, pale white skin, and red eyes...with the smallest bit of concern in them. Concern? For me?
The ever observant Rei notices me looking at her and she does a very strange thing...she blushes ever so slightly and breaks her gaze from me, looking back out the window she always stares out as if nothing happened though we both know something did.
Rei Ayanami...Rei is...Rei is...it truly feels like I can label everyone else in my life except her...I truly don't know what she is nor do I understand some of the feelings she inspires in me nor do I know how to deal with any of these things. I'm not good at dealing with anything I guess though this...her...is it possible to be scared but not in a bad way?
Sometimes I forget that I know so little about the pale skinned introvert who is by far the most unique looking girl I have ever seen. I know my father favors her over me but that is what I know of my father, not of her. I also know that I am not jealous of her for that fact nor do I feel any spite toward her for her getting the attention from him I never could obtain...I don't ever find myself feeling anything bad toward her...she is special in that way.
Rei lives alone in a broken down building in a broken down apartment with what appears to be a broken down life yet it never seems to bother her...nothing ever seems to bother her and since the very beginning, since I first saw that hurt blue-haired girl being wheeled out to pilot with no objections despite her suffering, that fact has truly bothered me, and my desire to know why she does what she does only increases as time passes.
Asuka and I pilot EVA to validate our lives and our place in the grand scheme of things but with Rei...I think that her piloting is not for validation but simply is what it is...piloting is Rei and that is all Rei is and I think she believes fully in that fact though I know she is so much more than just a pilot. I have seen that rare smile on her gentle face...there is truly so much more.
I find my eyes continuing to linger on her in a way trying to take in more of than just her graceful physical presence but rather take in the being that truly is Rei...to see something that can not be seen with just an eye...the intangible Rei that is the Rei so beyond a mere pilot. Her head slowly, almost mechanically turns back toward me, her eyes now blank though again they settle on me. Our eyes lock despite my desire to bury my head the second she turned back toward me as if some invisible force holds me there...why does she continue to look at me? Why do I continue to look at her? The strange spell is broken by the sounds of a bell, and soon a pat on my back by Toji completely ends the moment.
I reluctantly and slowly rise to my feet, stuffing my work into my bag, taking one last look back at Rei who again is mechanically packing her stuff before she has to help clean, and soon I am following out the laughing and joking Toji and Kensuke. I can't help but wonder...another hard slap on the back pulls me from my thoughts.
"Hey man, saw you staring at Ayanami...what was that all about?" I find that as usual when confront with anything, my voice refuses to come out as nothing but a stutter and my hands shake ever so slightly.
"I don't know what your talking about Toji."
"Haha...don't give me that Shinji...I may not be the smartest guy in the world but I know what I was seeing...you like her don't you." I find myself blushing and stuttering as I try to walk a little faster a way from my friends out the building...always running away...
"I don't know what your talking about...Ayanami is just a friend and a co worker and..." My none to subtle escape is cut short as Toji grabs hold of the bag on my back preventing and further rapid forward movement.
"Well if that's all Shinji then why are you so nervous and blushing so much? Seems like those are signs that your hiding something? A secret crush perhaps?" Kensuke takes the moment to chime in with his opinion, continuing the teasing...good natured teasing though I much prefer if I could just sink into the ground at the moment.
"Look..she's right over there and she's looking at you..." My head snaps to the left and there in fact is Rei looking at me from the window of the classroom, a curious look in her red eyes...what is this about? She quickly notices our attention is now on her and soon she disappears from the window. I can't help but linger on the window.
"So how about you explain that one old Shinji boy?" And the teasing returns, and it does not stop until I make it home, my friends attention finally pulled away from me and focused squarely on Misato waving from the balcony in less than covering clothing. For once I am very happy that Misato loves being the center of attention. I sneak away from the two leering jokers and head to the haven of my room where I can lay in bed and listen to some music. I've earned that haven't I? Probably not.
It is hours later and night has finally fallen though I find myself unable to sleep. I am restless, with my head filled with dozens of conflicting thoughts ranging from if I should recheck my homework to what I will have to make for breakfast tomorrow to glimpses of naked female flesh in my hormonal teenage mind. I do my best to control thoughts like those, but even I know this to be a futile effort. I'm a 14 year old boy filled with a rather high degree of sexual frustration in his life...I can't help it.
A flash of Rei's naked body enters my mind, one of the more clear images I've seen since I have in fact seen her without clothes on when I first went over to her apartment...felt her without clothes on...an accident in its truest form. It took me a long time before I could look at her without blushing after that, talk to her without stuttering...what am I talking about...I still blush and stutter when I encounter her though I think its for different reasons now than then. Seeing her image in my head makes me feel guilty, just as when I have images of Asuka...only proving her right that I'm just a pervert though with Rei, there is something truly tantalizing about her body...her pale flesh flawless still despite the injuries I know she's sustained in her life of piloting...a remarkable thing.
Rei never seemed to care that I saw her naked though of course neither of us ever brought it up after the incident. She doesn't seem to understand modesty in a way, that human beings shouldn't allow themselves to be seen without clothes except in only certain circumstances...that her body should be viewed naked least of all by me. She never seemed to care...she never seems to care...that bothers me so...I shake the guilt proving images out of my head and roll over in my bed onto my back staring at the ceiling. A familiar ceiling for once...that thought gives me a small smile.
I still can't help but think about Rei though not about her body this time though a small part of me really wants to. I wonder if she is sleeping at this moment or is having trouble with falling into sleep like I am? I wonder if she is staring at the ceiling, thoughts of me flowing through her head. Highly unlikely...she is probably soundly asleep, exactly 8 hours, then to school in a clean uniform to start another day. However, she looked at me today...twice that I know and maybe its happened before or maybe not. I don't know but I like to think it has happened before...why does that make me feel selfish? There is something wrong with me.
I worry for Rei, all alone in that broken down place she has as a home, and I wonder why she doesn't live somewhere else. I know NERV would supply her with pretty much anything she wants, at the very least a place with locks on the door...does she not truly value her safety? Her worth? Rei confuses me with so many questions of who she is and maybe I should just talk with her more to find out but I'm a coward or maybe I don't want to know all the answers. Some things are better left unknown but then again, some things need to be known...I could try...but then I could fail...I just don't know.
I've seen Rei smile and seeing that smile on that beautiful face made me feel the strangest things and today, seeing that concern in her eyes, I felt something again...it makes me happy to know she is concerned for me even if I don't understand the why nor feel I deserve that from her. Conflicting emotions...everything is conflicting, contradicting, and strange but in my life, my world, that simply is...with maybe validation lying somewhere in between...somewhere within EVA, within Misato, Asuka and my Father, or maybe within Rei. It is the strangest thought I think I've had and the one I finally carry with me into the world of dreams.