1A/N: To be honest, if I get on a roll with writing, I could have a chapter out every other day or so but I do have two other projects I'm working on not related in any way to EVA which are priority just because its almost been a year and I'm almost done...hopefully. Anyways, things still moving a bit slow but they kind of have to be for now...set the tone/stage and all that stuff. Hope this is better than I think it is. Thanks to those that reviewed...input is always helpful, especially considering it is my first EVA story attempt...still fine tuning a few things. That's it...

Disclaimer: I don't own Evangelion or anything related to it in any way, shape, or form in this existence and probably any other existence...I have pretty shitty luck

Where Does Existence Lie?

Chapter 3: Shadowed Light

By: Frozenwords

Gone...my fault...all my fault...I was too weak...couldn't save them...couldn't save her...did I save her...its not her...or is it? I don't deserve to be here anymore...it hurts too much...don't deserve to live anymore...worthless...weak...nothing...nothing. Just want to go away...don't want to be alone...just want to fade away...please don't leave me alone...I'm sorry...so sorry ...Asuka ...Mother...Misato...Rei!

I can't...I can't...I think I'm awake now...I think the nightmare has ended but I'm not sure...not sure about anything. I'm nothing but a huddling, whimpering mass, unidentifiable feelings and pains welling up deep inside me, refusing to relent their hold on me. Darkness...so much darkness...and the smell permeating everything...LCL...blood...I can't get it out of my senses.

I think I'm in my bed, in my room, but I'm still unsure...still confused. I can't help but curl up further as I feel like I just want to cry and never stop...cry until there's nothing left of me. I whimper slightly as it feels like my heart wants to pull itself from my chest, but thankfully that pain passes quickly. I tilt my head every so slightly, a few red lights standing out in my vision, the strange formation slowly forming into coherent numbers that tell me it is 4...four in the morning it must be. Sleep...sleep won't be coming again.

Dreams to nightmares so quickly and again nothing clear yet so much familiararity...I can feel it in my gut. I just don't understand...how can I understand? Why did I call out for Rei like I did...reaching out for her like she was my only hope, with so much need? I don't want any more questions. Why can't anyone just tell me what it all means...tell me what to do.

Thoughts continue to plague me as the numbers on the clock click by without hesitation, and before I know it, its morning and Asuka is again banging on my door with all she can muster. I rise to my feet, rubbing my eyes, still some moisture there. I don't want Asuka to know I was crying...she would only make fun of me more than she already does.

I answer the door after doing my best to compose myself, and Asuka's look of anger flashes for almost an unnoticeable moment to concern before one of disgust.

"What the hell is wrong with you? I swear if your sick, and you get me sick, I'm so going to hurt you. Forget making my breakfast. You'd just end up spreading your germs." She spins around walking away proudly back to her room, moving her hips in a way that I can't help but stare. I shake my head...there is something truly wrong with me.

I spend the rest of my time at the apartment doing my best to get ready for school, knowing full well I'd rather be at school than alone with my thought the whole day here. When I look at myself in the mirror, I realize Asuka was correct, and I did look sick but by the time I'm ready, I look far better and actually feel a little revitalized.

It didn't seem Misato had to be at work until later in the day because I could hear the soft snores coming from her room peacefully. I was kind of glad I didn't have to deal with her because she probably would just get concerned about my appearance and then maybe there would be the possibility she would ask questions I didn't to answer. It was just easier not to see her.

I managed to find some small things to eat for breakfast as well as managed to throw together a decent lunch. I at least wanted to have more in my stomach than yesterday. Asuka finally came into the kitchen dressed in her uniform, giving me a dismissive snap of her head before gathering her stuff to leave. I think this was a good thing...the fact that she didn't want to talk to me. I don't know what I did to deserve this small moment...probably nothing. I gather my stuff together and soon am heading out the door with slightly hunched shoulders, unsure of what I'm really doing with anything.

--

I don't know why but the first thing I noticed at class was that Rei was not there. It was common for her to miss class as she always seemed to have more duties to NERV than either me or Asuka, but for some reason, I just really noticed her absence this day and the room just didn't feel the same without seeing her quiet gazing out the window. Something is seriously wrong with me.

The day comes and goes...another day where the Angel sirens don't beckon me to NERV. I am grateful for moments like these, no signs of Angels since the defeat of the 11th Angel at NERV headquarters. Thankfully then, I didn't have to do any fighting either though I did end up trapped in a plug for who knows how many hours. Its as peaceful as it gets for me...never truly peace, just not fighting.

I rise from my seat at the sound of the bell, actually feeling pretty good physically though my brain feels like it doesn't know whether to start or stop. I walk mindlessly toward the door and am startled when somebody is suddenly standing right in front of me.

"So how are you feeling today Shinji?" Hikari stands in front of me with a warm smile on her face and despite her sudden interest in me at the moment, making me slightly nervous, I can't help but return the smile. Hikari genuinely cared about other people, that can not be denied, and I can't help but wonder if people think the same thing when they think of me...I'm a good person...I try to be a good person...am I a good person?

"I'm fine Hikari, thank you for asking. I forgot to eat breakfast yesterday, and I think it caused me to get weak. Nothing wrong with me anymore." She smiles another nice smile for me though I know really at the moment, I'm not fine.

"Well I'm glad to hear that Shinji because I was a little scared when I saw you collapse yesterday, but if your doing fine then you can resume your responsibilities." For a second, I almost forgot she was the highly devoted class representative.

"You missed your after school cleaning duty yesterday so you can make it up to the class by delivering these papers to Rei Ayanami. I know you've been to her apartment before so it works out perfectly." Hikari really has a way of making you agree to do things without a second thought, and it is only a few moments later that I've already said my good byes and am walking toward my destination.

To be honest, I'm very nervous about going to Rei's apartment for a lot of reasons I understand and for a lot of reasons I can't comprehend. The most obvious of course is a reminder of the last time I was there and the encounter with a very nude Rei...seems like such a long time ago. Then of course there's all the strange looks she's been giving me lately and that occurrence yesterday with me passing out.

Then there's the feelings I can't identify when I think about going to see Rei alone...a warm, nervousness of sorts but also a terrible feeling of dread that is even more unexplainable. What is going on with me? Maybe I'm just finally going nuts...not like everyone probably didn't expect it from me...not like I didn't expect it from me.

I walk closer and closer to my destination, into a side of town that really seems like it is in a perpetual state of destruction and construction, constant working and noise everyday, with the one true unchanging element being the building Rei lives in despite it needing severe work. It was like the universe itself was ordered not to touch that place under any circumstances.

Rei lived alone in that building, and to this day, I can't understand how a 14 year old girl is allowed to live on her own in such a dump and the fact that no one has ever seemed to show any objections to it is just another mystery to me I can't figure out...lots of things I can never figure out but that's beside the point. I just can't understand why Rei should have to live by herself away everyone else...can't understand why it doesn't seem to bother her at all. Of course maybe that's just it...it only seems to not bother her but really does. I don't know...maybe I'm just reaching with all of this. Who am I to question how someone else lives when I'm such a terrible example of it...not many people in this world more worthless than me...all I do is pilot, and not even well.

I feel a few of the images from my latest nightmare creeping into my vision, my hands starting to shake ever so slightly, but thankfully the task at hand diverts my attention as I find myself at Rei's door which seems to barely be hanging on the hinges, mail easily overflowing from the slot like someone hasn't lived here for weeks. Then again, I've seen the inside before, and it didn't look like anyone had lived there for weeks either though I know she did.

I knock tentatively on the door, in a way hoping she won't answer, in a way praying she will answer, really wanting to just drop the papers there and run off into the coming twilight. Yeah...that does sound easiest doesn't it. I realize after a few moments that nobody is coming, and I also realize that if I leave the papers out here, she will never find them, so I very reluctantly decide to bite the bullet and go in. I know the door is not locked...there is no lock.

The creaky door opens easily for me, and I enter into the dark, dreary place that is Rei's home. It honestly feels like some type of run down infirmary. Rei's home has become even stranger looking to me after living with Asuka...after seeing her room. Aren't girls supposed to have lots of clothes and stuff? Rei had nothing that I really could see except for a few spare school uniforms and that pair of broken glasses from my father.

I pull my bag off of my back to get the papers out, quickly finding them and placing them on her bed...I know she will find them there. Despite the messiness of the entire apartment, her bed is still made immaculately. I don't know what that means.

Suddenly, I hear the door opening behind me, and I spin quickly around so that I can explain myself to Ayanami when she walks in. The door is open, but all I can make out is a barely there silhouette. The sun has moved across the sky to the point that it is shining almost directly through the door, contrasting the darkness of the room greatly, causing me to wince at the sight before me. The person in the door is small and thin, it has to be Rei but a flash of light before my eyes hits, and suddenly, I'm not so sure what is before me. Blinding, shimmering streams of white light seemingly reaching out to me from an enormous white figure. I try to back away from them but find that its like I'm not even there...like I don't really have a body. This isn't happening...this can't be happening...what's going on! The white light engulfs me completely.

--

What happened? Was it another dream? Was everything today nothing but a dream? I find my eyes slowly opening, struggling to come back to the waking world. Am I dead? Did I die...does it matter.

My eyes finally force their way open, and I find myself looking up at the seemingly serene face of Rei Ayanami, far closer than I am used to. She looks down at me, a small bit of uncertainty in her eyes.

"Rei...where am I?" I almost didn't register that I had just called her Rei instead of Ayanami...it felt natural. She answers me with her soft voice.

"You are on the floor where you fell down. I wished to put you on the bed, but I am unable to lift you." I'm on the floor? Then why is my head on something so soft? I then realize where I am at. My head is supported comfortably in Rei's lap, a wet rag on my forehead. My head is on Rei's lap...my head is on Rei's lap! I instantly shoot up from my position, causing some dizziness at my sudden vertical state...or maybe its all a result of me falling and hitting me head from before. I clutch my head as some pain sets in as I sit on the ground again, my gaze inevitably returns to Rei who continues to sit there on her knees staring at me almost curiously and boringly at the same time. The softness of her gaze elicits a strange feeling within me.

"Are you okay Ikari?"

"Yes, I think so...um..I'm sorry for being in your apartment. Hikari gave me some papers to drop off to you, and you weren't home so I came in and wanted to put them somewhere you'd find them then you can back and then I guess I fainted again...I'm really sorry all about this Rei." I speak nervously and rapidly though Rei doesn't seem to register it.

"I do not mind you coming into my home Ikari. You've done it before have you not?" I blush instantly at this mention of the last time, my mouth going dry, refusing to function for me. Rei looks at me strangely but not really, as if she's used to seeing me like this and it is no longer odd to see. She's probably right.

I force myself to my feet, only a very slight stumble, and I instinctively do the polite thing, reaching my hand out to the still kneeling Rei. Obviously the polite thing, but obviously stupid because I know Rei will not take it. She doesn't like being touched but then she did have my head in her lap. I'm still completely shocked when her slender hand tentatively sneaks into mind that I almost don't grip it...her hand is so soft. I finally force my body back into motion, gripping her hand as gently as I can so that I can pull her to her feet, which despite my nervousness and overly clumsiness, she makes the action look so perfectly graceful, moving in one, perfect fluidic movement. We stand there for however long, and we just stare at each other, and a truly feel like for once, Rei is looking at me and not at all through me.

"Ikari..."

"Yes?"

"You can let go of my hand now." It takes me a moment to register what she says and then I pull my hand from hers very sheepishly, blushing and muttering apologies. Always apologizing for something...maybe Asuka is right about me, maybe I am a coward. I fidget nervously now that there is no sound...normally I'm happy nothing is happening but standing in front of Rei like this, I just want anything to happen to break this awkwardness that seems to only affect me. Rei answers my prayers. She simply walks away from me toward her bed, picking up the papers, reading over them while I stand there like some type of idiot just watching her.

"Um well, I guess I'll just go now Ayanami. Will you be at school tomorrow?" She looks up from her reading at me, again her crimson gaze falling directly on me.

"Yes I will Ikari. I have no other business to attend to."

"That's good. I'll see you there then. If you want you can come have lunch with me and the guys if you want...you don't have to if you don't want to...you know what, I'll see you in class tomorrow...bye." I grab my bag and what can only be described as fleeing occurs despite me having the boldness to ask anything of Rei like I just did. I don't look back as she slowly follows my fleeing form to the door, watching me as I disappear from view. I don't hear her departing words either.

"Good bye Shinji..."