Author's Note: (stops playing air guitar long enough to look up). Que tal, my peeps! What's kicken'! We're moving on in our little interview, and guess what? Guess what, guess what? I GOT A QUEEN T-SHIRT! Muhahahahahahahahaha! FREDDIE MERCURY, BITCHES!
On with it, then.
Teya Yoshitoda: No, no no...We're not on drugs. Star is on drugs, but me and TTJ...we're not on drugs. We're naturally high.
Valda: nods We all did, my friend. X never had a moment with Raven...but in the fanfictions, he did...that's how screwed up some people are. But it's funny.
Dark-Star-Mage-Mayhew: Oh, believe me, my friend, I have particular bad emotions toward Starfire for daring to think she could be with Robin. I have a very special fate in store for her. Muhahahaha...and don't worry about the laugh. It's awesome!
StarStar16: I know. You'll get that chance later.
Raven of the Night 676: Oh, I've done better than that...much better. We asked him a better question about form...tehehehe...
(camera fades in on Queen, sitting alone in a comfy living room with a fireplace behind her high-backed chair. She sits with her fingertips pressed together, benevolent smile on her face)
Queen: I'm sure you're all very eager to get to our regular programming. And we will, my dears. We will. But the question is arising…how am I doing all this? How am I abducting 2-d characters, an entire stage crew, props, lights, an audience, a Plexiglas box, and the ability to control satellite TV transmission and the internet? Well, I'll tell you… (she very calmly reaches behind her and pulls out something black and shiny with red buttons. Beginning to speak again, she holds up the item, a huge remote) …I, my confused little ducklings, have Control Freaks remote! (she throws back her head and laughs maniacally, then points the remote at the camera and the screen turns off).
(Camera fades in again the same cafeteria in the same Georgia private school. Before showing our three interviewers, a view of the Plexiglas box containing Robin and Raven is shown. Both Titans are sitting around in a very bored manner, having given up the fight a long time ago. Nonetheless, armed security guards surround the box. The camera swings to our interviewer's table, where only two interviewers sit, Star and Queen. Queen checks her watch)
Queen: Shouldn't we be getting started?
Star: Yeah. Where's T?
Queen: (leans her chair back and calls for the stage crew) Yo! Camera people! Find Teen-Titans-Junkie!
Stage crew: Who?
Star: Tall, blonde chick?
(One stage crew person points, and TTJ is found next to the box, talking to Robin, who is ignoring her)
TTJ: And I have a dog. Actually, I have two dogs. And a little sister? You want the little sister? Hey, can I trade you for the little sister?
Queen: (calling) Hey, TTJ…
Star: Stop trying to seduce Robin---you're doing an awful job, by the way—and get over here! We got a show to do!
TTJ: (pouts) Fine…and it wasn't that bad of an effort. (She looks around) Where's the EMCEE?
(The EMCEE is seen trying to sneak out the back door of the cafeteria. Queen stands up and points the remote at him)
Queen: Oh, no you don't! (she pushes a button and he magically appears back in front of the camera, with a microphone in his hand) Start the show, or I shall beat you with the schtick.
EMCEE: (moans in terror and then clears his throat, looking very traumatized. The audience begins to laugh as he speaks in a wavering voice) We-welcome t-to T-the Wo-world Needs t-to Know, T-teen Titans Edition. (He seems to get a hold over himself at this point, and straightens his tie.) Today we're interviewing the third Titan so far, but first, let's reacquaint ourselves with the interviewers! (camera swings to the table, and pans to Star) Interviewer 1, StarStar16, (swings to Queen, who is still holding remote threateningly) Interviewer 2, Queen-morganalefay, (finally lands on where TTJ should be, but instead it's just a cardboard cut out of TTJ) and…Teen-Titans-Junkie?
(In the background you can hear TTJ talking to Robin again)
TTJ: And I have a car…sort of. It's my mom's car, but still. It's sort of my car. I can drive, too…
Queen: If you don't get over here you'll miss the interview!
TTJ: You haven't called anyone good out so far! When you call out someone good, I'll---
EMCEE: And now to introduce our next 'guest', Beast Boy! (The green changeling walks into the cafeteria for a second, then breaking into a sheepish grin as the audience begins to clap. TTJ quickly takes her seat and all three beckon BB to his armchair)
Beast Boy: Um…what did they put in my tofu?
TTJ: Beast Boy! Buddy!
Star: My brother!...wait, you're cooler than my brother.
(Beast Boy half laughs nervously and sits down. Audience claps wildly and you notice several people in the crowd cat-calling)
Beast Boy: Umm…dude…did I win something?
TTJ: Only a day with us, buddy!
Queen: Beast Boy, you are here to be asked a few questions by us. (She waves her hand toward her friends and TTJ waves at the green changeling who still looks extremely confused)
Beast Boy: Like the CIA?
Star: No, like the NSA.
BB: The who?
TTJ: No, not the Who.
Queen: Yeah, Queen.
TTJ: Beatles!
Queen: (sighs in exasperation) It's Queen, and you know it.
TTJ: The Beatles can totally whip Queen.
Queen: Not on your life.
Star: (holds up hand to stop debate) Anyways…Beast Boy, I want to ask the first question. Are you on drugs?
BB: Umm…are you?
Star: Knew it. Do you have some? (holds hand out. TTJ slaps it away and waggles a finger)
TTJ: No asking for other people's stashes in the middle of interviews!
Queen: Yeah…you ask for their CD collection. (leans forward) Beast Boy…we know that you have tried time and time again to obtain a moped. That must be frustrating for you, finally getting one and having it destroyed by alien tofu.
BB: (jumps to his feet) It was totally not fair! The tofu was all "Bob" and they kept getting my name wrong and Robin wouldn't listen to me and it wasn't even real meat and—
Queen: Yes, yes, that's nice. Now, what would you say if we were giving you a moped—
Star: --of your own—
TTJ: --this very day?
BB: Really?
All three: No.
BB: (looks shocked, then pouts)
TTJ: Aww…(makes the face)don't be sad! Com'on, I have a question for you!
BB: What?
TTJ: This may be personal, but…can you change gender?
BB: Huh?
Queen: She means can you change into a chick---you gotta speak on his level, Junkie.
BB: EW! Why would I want to?
Star: The same reason Robin wants to…(at this point very loud yells of protest are heard from the Plexiglas box)
TTJ: That's not the point. It's not why you would, it's could you?
BB: I don't know…
Queen: I think he should try. What do you guys think?
Star: Yep.
TTJ: Absolutely.
Queen: Audience? (Turns chair toward audience and the audience starts cheering. You see Beast Boy turning a scarlet shade of red and sinking further into the armchair. As he mutters something about not wanting to, Queen points the remote at him and instantly a green girl with a pixie cut sits before them.) Hmm…interesting..
BB (or BG, should we say): (yelps and hides behind the chair)
TTJ and Star: DUH-NUH, DUH-NUH, DUDE LOOKS LIKE A LADY! (both fall over laughing)
Queen: (changes him back in a bored manner, and then looks back to Beast Boy) So, back to our topic…now that you've experienced your feminine side…(audience snickers) do you think you can identify more with Terra's betrayal?
BB: (face turns stormy)
TTJ: (looks angry) Don't ask him about that---
Star: (looks shocked) TTJ! Such language!
TTJ: But I didn't call her anything!
Queen: But you were going to! And, yes, I shall ask him. You know us wily females, Beast Boy, sometimes we have to go to the dark side. So, do you still love Terra even though she's a rock?
BB: (muttering) We're looking for a cure…
Queen: Why didn't you just use Control Freak's remote?
BB: Duh. Cause it wouldn't have worked…
Queen: Did you try it…
BB: NO.
Queen: (leaning toward the others) I think I've upset him.
TTJ: (waves her off) Easily remedied. (points behind Beast Boy) Look! Something shiny!
BB: (turning fast enough to cause whiplash) Where?
Stage crew: FIVE MORE MINUTES!
Queen: Guys, we gotta wrap this up.
TTJ: But how are we gonna get him in the box?
Star: Watch this. (stands and goes over to Beast Boy.) Hey, BB, we really do have a moped. It's right over here.
BB: Really?
Star: Yep.
BB: Cool…(follows Star, and the camera focuses back on the EMCEE as you can hear in the background BB and Star's voices, sometimes even Raven's and Robin's) Hey, wait this isn't a—
Robin: Beast Boy, run! They're insane!
Queen: (points remote into the background, and suddenly the camera swings off kilter and you see Robin being attacked by chickens)
Robin: Beast…Boy…don't…get…in…cage.
EMCEE: And that's---
Star: That's right, moped's in there.
BB: Where?
Star: Raven's got it under her cloak.
EMCEE: ---the end of the third episode of---
TTJ: Don't let Raven escape!
EMCEE: ---The World Needs To Know. Tomorrow we'll be back---
Queen: Oh, no you don't! (several loud explosions are heard, and the three girls emerge, Queen wearing Raven's cloak)
EMCEE: --with the fourth Titan. Until then---
(but the screen suddenly flips, and a ring is shown. A phone rings, and someone picks it up. Someone who sounds like TTJ)
Answerer: Hello?
(the person who called sounds like Queen through a voice changer)
Mysterious person: You're milk will expire in seven days…
Answerer: NOOOOO!