Author's Note: I suppose I must count Starfire among the Titans…but, my duckies, I'm not sure this will be a regular interview. Oh no, the Tameranian will get an unusual welcome from me…
(camera comes into focus again on the cafeteria. You can see the Plexiglas box, where Raven is meditating, Robin is hitting the glass with random grenades, and Beast Boy is changing into random shapes to amuse himself. Queen is sitting at the table by herself, looking very pissed off, while Star and TTJ walk up to her, having three bottles of soda and sitting down)
Queen: I'm going to kill her.
TTJ: You always do. Haven't you learned that she comes back?
Star: You can't kill her! I've got to ask some important questions!
Queen: (eyes narrow) But I can try.
EMCEE: (comes onscreen) Um…would you like me to begin?
Queen: If you must.
EMCEE: (looking rather nervous) Ladies and Gentleman, welcome to another thrilling edition of The World Needs to Know, Teen Titans Edition! Our special episode today will include Starfire! Everyone, make her feel welcome!
(As Starfire flies into the cafeteria, at first looking confused, but then noticing other people, she beams happily. The audience has a lone clapper who quickly silences when he realizes why everyone else is not clapping. Starfire flies toward our three interviewers, and looks at the chair across the table…which is just a regular chair)
TTJ: (whispering) Oh, so she doesn't get the armchair?
Queen: Of course not!
Starfire: Hello, new acquaintances! I am happy to meet you all! (she starts to close in for a hug, but Queen gives her a look that stops her dead in her tracks) Um…may I ask? What are your names, where do you come from, how did you get here, what is your favorite color, and will you be my friend?
Star: StarStar16, a very scary place, took my mom's car, not important, and…sure, if you've got some weed.
TTJ: Star!
Starfire: Yes?
TTJ: No, not you.
Star: What? You know she's got some, she acts like she's on it.
TTJ: Not the point…fine. Teen-Titans-Junkie, a similarly scary place, hitched a ride, purple, and why not?
Starfire: (turns to Queen) And you, new acquaintance?
Queen: My name is Queen-morganalefay. I came from a place darker than hell. I arrived in an angry mood. My favorite colors are purple and black. And it depends on your definition of friend.
Starfire: I do not understand.
Queen: Do you ever?
TTJ: Hehehe (nervous laughter). Okay…on with the interview. Star—
Star: Yes?
TTJ: Not you! Starfire, won't you have a seat? (Starfire obediently sits down and TTJ continues) Starfire, would you do us the honor of giving us an interview?
Starfire: Your earthly ways are strange to me. What is an interview?
Queen: It's a session where we beat you unconscious before drowning you in the—
TTJ: It's where we ask you a bunch of questions, about you! I'll start…(leans forward, looking genuinely concerned) So, truly, what is your I.Q.? Half the time you're a total genius, and then you revert to being a complete moron!
Starfire: On my planet—
Queen: Well, that's all very interesting, but answer the question.
Starfire: --the intelligence is measured to be at a level of three hundred quaknars…
Star: Right…anyways…(turns on the big screen TV and brings up the image from the Raven interview of Starfire and Raven in the very…ahem…awkward position) Starfire, if it's not too personal, what do you have to say about this? Actual, even if it is too personal, what do you have to say about this?
TTJ: But what is a quaknar? And how do you measure it?...how much does your brain weigh?
Queen: You were trying to rape Raven, weren't you?
Star: But you can tell from the picture that Raven is on top, so how would that work?
TTJ: But I still don't understand what a quaknar is!
Starfire: Your earthly ways are strange to me. Is it customary here to use very little of the 'common sense' during these 'interviews'?
TTJ: Yes, very. Now, what the hell is a quaknar!
Starfire: It is a –
Queen: We don't care. Answer our questions!
Star: No, it's not important anymore. (leans forward) So…have you and Robin…you know…
TTJ and Queen: We so did not need that image!
Queen: (mumbling to herself) Make the red head die, make the red head die…must kill…kill…
TTJ: Is that you, Mario?
Queen: No, it'sa Luigi.
Star: Oookay…but Star, have you…you know…
Starfire: Robin and I are the friends, but he does not consider me the girl friend, and I do not know why I cannot be both a girl and his friend.
Star: But have you…you know, put out the towel? Kneaded the biscuits? Cooked the hotdog?
Starfire: Hotdogs are good with the delicacy of mustard…
Queen: (smirks)
TTJ: (moaning) MAKE IT STOP! (starts to walk away) Okay, have fun, I'll be back next interview.
Queen: (throws the Raven cloak over her shoulder, points the remote at her best friend, and rewinds her back into her seat, where TTJ glares at Queen and then hits her hard with the schtick. Queen laughs maniacally) There is no escape…
TTJ: We're in a room full of heroes, and I get treated like this!
Star: ANSWER THE QUESTION!
EMCEE: We've run out of time. Do you want to start…um…escorting her to the backstage tour?
TTJ: Sure, we'll get her in the---
Queen: Oh, no. She doesn't get to go backstage. We have a special dressing room for Starfire. (walks over to Starfire) Starfire, on our planet it is customary after an interview for the person to follow one of the hosts anywhere the host wants to go, and do whatever she says. It's impolite to refuse, and you would be shaming your planet by being impolite.
Starfire: My dear friend, I would never be impo—
TTJ: Don't do it! DON'T TRUST HER! No bloodshed, no bloodshed!
(The camera goes offline, but you still hear the EMCEE. Nothing can be seen on the screen but black, but in the background you can hear the others)
EMCEE: We're having some technical difficulties, but never fear. This has been another episode of The World Needs to Know. Tune into tomorrow's episode where we will have the final Titan on our hero segment, and then move on to the neutral characters! We will---
Queen :Just go in there, Starfire. You don't want to insult me, do you?
TTJ: Trust me, you don't. BUT DON'T DO IT!
Starfire: This looks much like the cage that Robin tells me I should avoid at villain's hideouts when we are fighting the—
Queen: It's all an illusion…
Star: Cause you're all on drugs…
Starfire: I will not disappoint my people.
Queen: I'm sure you won't.
Robin: Starfire, they're crazy! Don't get in the cage! Don't get in the cage!
TTJ: I'm not CRAZY! My therapist says I'm perfectly fine…
BeastBoy: Why does she go in a separate cage?
Queen: You really think I'm letting Star have the chance to rape Robin?
Star: I DON'T WANT TO RAPE ROBIN!
Queen: NOT YOU! (there is a loud whir sound, and chickens start clucking, so it sounds…)
TTJ: I didn't need to know! Wait..what are you doing with shock collar?
Queen: (maniacal laughter) Nothing…
Star: Get it away from her!
Starfire: Friends, would it be impolite not to wear this?
Queen: Yes, very. Now, put it on.
EMCEE: ---bring you back to visual as soon as we can, and definitely tomorrow. Until then! (hurriedly signs off, and the sound is cut off. Regular programming resumes, right after a commercial about chickens)
Commercial: Chickens, chickens, the salty, ever-tasting-like-everything goodness! (Does not stop burglars or insane interviewers, but helps them in their evil cause.)