The Reason: By Hoobastank.
I'm not a perfect person;
There's many things I wish I didn't do.
But I continue learning;
I never meant to do those things to you.
And so I have to say before I go,
That I just want you to know;
I found a reason for me
to change who I used to be,
A reason to start over new,
And the reason is you.
I"m sorry that I hurt you;
It's something I must live with everyday.
And all the pain I put you through,
I wish I could take it all away
and be the one who catches all your tears,
That's why I need you to hear;
I found a reason for me
to change who I used to be,
A reason to start over new,
And the reason is you.
And the reason is you.
And the reason is you.
And the reason is you.
I'm not a perfect person;
I never meant to do those things to you.
And so I have to say before I go,
that I just want you to know;
I found a reason for me
to change who I used to be
I've found a reason to show
a side of me you didn't know.
A reason for all that I do;
and the reason is you.
"Derek!" Meredith squealed excitedly.
The voice was high pitched, as it tended to do when Meredith was beside herself about something–whether good or bad—fortunately this was a good sound.
He set down the medical journal he was reading and glanced over at her. "What?"
She scootched over closer to him on the bed and smiled widely. "It moved."
"What moved?"
She giggled and grabbed his arm and placed it on her abdomen. "The baby! I felt it move—it's like bubbles." She explained happily.
"Really?" Now it was his turn to get excited. When it came to Meredith and her pregnancy he was without a doubt, sincerely excited; he asked endless questions, discussed baby names, discussed plans to build their house and the things that the three of them would do together. He rolled over and settled next to her, his hand on her stomach, waiting expectantly to feel the life that he and Meredith had created.
"Move your hand around." She instructed, when he didn't feel movement. "Try here." She placed his hand a little lower.
He looked up into her eyes and felt the sting of tears at the sight of her being so happy. She had totally supported him with his decision to be a part of Addison's pregnancy—no matter how hard it had been on both of them and even though he was still not excited about the other child, Meredith encouraged him to be kind to Addison, to ask her how she was feeling or if there was anything that he could do to make her feel better.
"How'd I ever get so lucky?" He asked, a lump forming in his throat, as he removed his hand for a moment and ran it through her dirty blond hair. "What did I ever do to deserve you?"
She smiled at him; a tender private smile that only he knew, and reached over and cupped his cheek with her hand. "You didn't do anything. You were yourself and I'd say that we both got pretty lucky, Der." Her eyes took on the sleepy-doe look, the one that surfaced when she was deeply moved by him or something he said. "Do you know how happy you make me?"
"Do I?"
"Make me happy?"
He nodded emotionally, the corners of his mouth turning down. "How do I make you happy, Meredith? Are you sure that you can be happy with me forever? After I got someone else pregnant?"
So, here it was; His fear that she would eventually leave him because of his past with Addison. She tenderly continued to stroke his cheek, her heart warming and bursting in a sudden rush of emotion. She felt tears sting her own eyes and she looked at him; so needy, so afraid and it touched her soul in a way that she'd never felt before.
"Do you know how much I love you?" She asked, instead of answering. "Do you know how much you mean to me?"
He swallowed the lump in his throat before he started to cry. Not usually so emotional, he felt a bit silly; but he had been feeling guilty and out of sorts for the past few days and he needed to validate his emotions to her. He twirled a strand of her hair between his fingers and looked down at the bed. "I know you love me but sometimes I'm afraid that you'll realize that I'm not good enough for you and it makes me sad because you do deserve better—"
"Don't say that." She interrupted, lifting his chin so he was eye level with her—blue eyes on blue. "You mean more to me than anything else in this world. There is no one on this planet that I would be with other than you." She swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat and then continued. "You and this baby are what makes me happy to be alive and I wouldn't change what happened between us for anything in this world. Secondly, I would never walk away from you because you got your ex-wife pregnant. It happened and there's nothing you or I can do about it. She got pregnant when you two were still together and yes, you will have two children who have a birthday a month apart, but you will have to deal with that and so will I." She said softly. "And so will Addison. And the thing is, that I think this will be harder on her in the long run than it will be for you, so let's take her into consideration."
"I don't know if I can do what she wants." He admitted, sadly. "I don't love her and I hate the fact that I'm having a baby with her." He sighed. "And I feel guilty because I don't to have a baby with her. I feel like a bad person."
"You're not a bad person." She said softly. "But you have to remember that this child that she's having is part of you too. It's your son or daughter, Derek and you owe it to him or her—"
"Her." He mumbled, still not looking up at her.
"What?"
"It's a girl. The ultrasound says it's a girl." Finally looking up at her. "Addison is trying to help me pick out names—" He stopped talking when her eyes filled with tears again, and spilled down her cheeks. "Mer—I'm sorry." He blurted, upset.
For a moment, Meredith couldn't speak; She'd known that the day was coming; That they would find out the sex of Addison's child, but hearing it hurt nonetheless. Hearing that they were discussing names still hurt. She reached up and brushed the tears away impatiently. "I'm sorry." She sniffed. "I know that you have to pick out names and it's great that she's having a girl----it just hurts. I'm sorry." She bowed her head and her shoulders shook.
"Shh, shhhhh." He soothed, pulling her into his arms, feeling like the biggest jerk on the planet, only it was something that sooner or later, they'd have to discuss and it would prick every single time. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He chanted. "I've hurt you again and I never want to hurt you. I hate myself for this, Meredith, I really do."
"It's fine." She trembled, as she spoke. "I know we have to talk about this and I'm sorry it upset me—sometimes it just gets to me and I'm trying to be patient and understanding but then I feel guilty because I wish that you weren't having a baby with her too." She wailed, bringing him her hurt and frustrations that she usually dealt with alone.
"I know—I know." He consoled her. "I wish it was just you, only you. I'm so sorry."
"We'll get through it." She said, sniffing. "We'll do it together."
"I love you, Meredith." He whispered fiercely. "I love you so much it hurts."
"I know." She answered. "I love you so much it hurts me too."
"Be with me always?" He asked, tightly. "I don't think I can live without you."
"I will never leave you, Derek." She promised. "And only time will prove that—" She stopped talking and rolled away from him for a moment.
"What is it?" He asked, confused.
She grabbed his hand and placed it on her stomach again. "It moved again."
And when he felt the small, indigestion-like movement, he felt his heart soar in a way that almost knocked the wind out of him.
Come hell or high water he knew that he'd give his life to make Meredith and his child the center of his world.