Sam stayed for the rest of that day, helping Josh find the right words to convey Donna's life. For the first time, Josh felt himself acknowledging how much he'd loved Donna, and while it hurt more than anything he could have imagined, it also felt good not to lie to himself anymore. He also realized just how good of a friend Sam was. Whenever Josh couldn't go on and needed to take a minute to compose himself, Sam acted as if this were completely normal and never made him feel self-conscious. He couldn't imagine what he would have done if Sam hadn't come for this.
The next day Josh awoke in a cold sweat. The eulogy was as good as it was going to get for now, but that wasn't what worried him. He wouldn't have to give it until the next day anyway. No, the wake was today. As much as he knew that Donna was gone, this was going to be the moment when he knew he would really have to face the reality. He wasn't sure if he were ready. He didn't think he ever would be. But he forced himself out of bed and into the shower, letting the water wash over him as he swallowed what now seemed like the perpetual lump in his throat. He couldn't possibly be starting this early. He needed to hold on for as long as possible until he at least knew it would be understandable for him to be losing it.
He got dressed and watched himself in the mirror as he tried to fasten his tie with shaking hands. Finally, he gave up and left it hanging around his neck. C.J. or someone would help him fasten it when he got there… Sitting down quickly, he had to close his eyes because they were suddenly stinging with tears. Donna would have been the one to help him if this were any other day…
Sighing shakily, he grabbed some tissues, shoved them in his pocket, stood up, and walked outside. It was a grey day, perfect for his mood. It wasn't raining, exactly, but it was misting, and an umbrella would have been useless, so Josh hunched his shoulders against the chill and walked briskly down the street. The funeral home, unfortunately, was close enough to his house that he could walk. That also meant that it was close enough to his house that he would see it everyday and remember what had happened. Not like he could ever forget. He could never forget.
When he reached the funeral home, he waited under the awning for C.J., Toby, Leo and Sam. He didn't know when the Bartletts would be there though he was sure they would make an appearance at some point. He was actually starting to think about going inside by himself when the rest of them arrived. They'd taken a limo from the White House, and as they stepped out, he noted almost clinically how pale C.J. looked and that even Toby didn't look like himself. C.J. hugged him tightly and then went to work silently tying his tie while the others touched his arm as they approached. After a silent moment of just looking at the ground and at each other, they walked inside.
There weren't many people there yet, and for that, Josh was grateful. He didn't know if he'd be able to do this in a crowd. They hung their coats in the back of the room, studiously avoiding looking at the front, and then Sam looked up first. Josh glance up sharply when he heard him sniffle, and he finally saw – and understood – for the first time the toll this was taking on the others as well. Without a word, he put his arm around Sam, and C.J. watched with a pained expression as he led him over to the last row of chairs so he could sit and process something that none of them could even begin to understand.
Josh didn't even look down at him. His attention, too, had been caught by the arresting sight at the front of the room. He set his jaw and looked at C.J., Toby, and Leo. "Let's go together?" he asked, and the men nodded, but C.J. glanced down at Sam and said softly, "You three go. I'll be right behind you."
They nodded and moved up as C.J. stepped over Sam's legs and sat down next to him. He was staring at the coffin, his eyes full of tears and his lip quivering, and she put her arm across his shoulders. The touch was all it took. His face crumpled, and he turned into her shoulder, his choked sobs echoing in her ear as she put her arms around him. Tears slipped down her face as she listened to him and watched the other drama unfold at the front of the room. After they had all kneeled in front of the coffin and then stood to pay their respects, Josh's face was streaked with new tears, and even Toby's eyes seemed to be watering. Leo's face was drawn and he looked exhausted. They moved back to C.J. and Sam after a few minutes and sank into the chairs at the other end of their row. Each of them stared straight ahead in silence, and none of them moved until C.J. and Sam returned from paying their own respects.
They stood in front of the others, and Toby and Leo looked up.
"Are we ready?" C.J. asked softly, and they both nodded. They stood up and were preparing to leave when they realized that Josh was still sitting in his chair. He didn't turn to look at them, and they stared at each other in consternation until Sam finally said, "Buddy, are you ready? We're all going."
Josh looked up at them as if he were coming out of a trance.
"No, no. you go on ahead. I'll be ok. I just need…" he trailed off. His eyes returned to the front of the room, and he didn't look at them again. Without another word, they left. None of them said what the others were thinking. The funeral was going to be an absolute nightmare, and they couldn't imagine how Josh was going to get through giving this eulogy in one piece.