Disclaimer: I do not own CSI, neither do I own the characters or any of the dialogue that was used on the show.

AN: I wont bother anyone with a long summary, you'll see where this story is going by reading this chap : )

Many thanks to Myra for beta reading :)

chapter 2

The sound of the ringing telephone ripped her out of her dreams. She opened her eyes just to close them again half a second later, her head hurt like hell and her eyes burned like fire. The shrill sound of the phone ran through her head, stabbing her brain like a knife over and over again.

She knew she shouldn't have accepted the last two cocktails last night.

Slowly she managed to leave her bed, her body wrapped into one of her dark red sheets. She had forgotten to turn the heater on before going to bed and now the temperature in her apartment had reduced to a temperature that lay beyond all bearable.

Without switching the lights on she made her way to the living room, of course the phone was not where it belonged and she cursed herself for being so careless. After searching it for almost a minute Sara was filled with anger and aggression. Every normal thinking human being would have given up, but this person just didn't hang up the phone. How long was that damned thing already ringing? She didn't know, but this person couldn't be 'normal thinking' anyways, because which normal person would call another person at 4 AM?

She'd tell this idiot to go to hell, would tell him to screw himself, would tell him to...

She finally found the phone, for a second she hesitated if she'd simply press the red button...but this person would call again if he didn't give up for more than two minutes he'd not give up at all. So she pressed the green one. "What?" She asked, not as angry as she wanted to sound because her voice was still dried out.

"Hey... it's Gil Grissom."

Gil Grissom? Okay, who else should have called her at that time...But why was he calling her? She hadn't heard from him for half a year! Six months, two weeks, three days and 11 hours to be precisely - and no, she hadn't been counting. "Hey." her voice had changed into soft and sweet, the anger was gone and excitement and butterflies filled her body.

"Do I bother you?"

"No. Really. I was just standing up."

"I won't bother you for long anyways, I just had a question or better said wanted to ask you for a favor." He cleared his throat, starting again. "I wanted to offer you something."

Sara grinned to herself; it felt weird to hear his voice again. It made her nervous and she knew that he was too.

They had stayed in touch for a while after their first encounter, he had called her the day after he had arrived in Las Vegas, had called her again a week later and from then on they had at least talked to each other on the phone once a week. But as time passed by the weeks became months and soon she didn't hear from him for half a year, then again he called twice just to not call for another, in her eyes awful long, period of time.

"Offer me what?" There were a lot of things that she hoped he would offer; all of them little dirty thoughts and fantasies that she knew would never become true. He wasn't that kind of person who made the same mistake again and Sara had learned to live after the device 'fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me'.

And yes, sleeping with her under the promise of something that was more than just a sexual encounter and then telling her that it was a mistake and that they should try to built up a friendship and nothing more, was indeed fooling her. There was only one problem, her head might live after this motto but her heart didn't and it also didn't care a damn about what her head was saying.

"A trainee of my team was attacked at a crime scene, one of my best CSI's should have taken care of her but he wasn't on the scene. I need someone to investigate this case. I can't let one of my people handle it because they either had too much contact with the girl or are too close with Warrick Brown, the CSI. I want you to do it."

"Work a case for you?" Her heart was literally jumping, her head screamed that she should hang up and end this call as long as she still had the chance to do so.

"I know you can do it and you were the first person that came to my mind. I...I was just promoted and made the new supervisor of this shift and I could really need someone here whom I can trust enough to handle this case in the way that it needs to be handled."

He trusted her. That was the point where even her mind stopped screaming. This was not only a chance to be with him or close to him, near him...it was also a chance to get a better job, in the number one crime lab of the country! If he was really the new supervisor of his shift and trusted her, trusted her skills, then she could maybe manage to stay in Las Vegas for longer, to become a long time member of his team, his team...

"What do you think of it?" The way he spoke made her shiver softly. She had missed him, seeing him again would feel so good...not as good as feeling him again but it was at least something.

"I will have to discuss this with my supervisor."

"Is that a 'yes'?"

She smiled softly. "If he lets me go, then yeah. I just finished my case so I think it shouldn't be a problem from that point of view. I don't know how many shifts are short staffed though if he can replace me for a while then it shouldn't be a problem." Or should she simply quit her job? But what if Gil only wanted her to stay until the case was solved and would send her away afterwards? She was a good and hard working CSI but she couldn't risk being without a job in the end. She could simply ask him if this was a longer arrangement or if he expected her to leave again...he'd been saying that he needed her to work this case, he hadn't mentioned anything that could lead her to the conclusion that he wanted her to stay for longer. If it would have been someone else who'd called her she would have known that it was just for this case but with him asking her to come, reality and hopes ended up in a dangerous mixture and she knew that, for her own sake, she needed to ask him how long he expected her to stay. How long he wanted her to stay. Wanted... "For how long will you need me?"

In her dreams he'd answer 'forever'. He always answered 'forever', when she asked him if he'd love her, need her, want her...But this wasn't a dream and she knew it. This wasn't one of her fantasies, the man on the other side of the phone wasn't the man from her dreams, only the object, his character wasn't the same in her dreams, in reality he had hurt her, had rejected her somehow. In her dreams he would never hurt her, he was always there, always cared, always loved her...

"Let's see this as a probationary period. If you're doing your job in the quality that I expect you to do it and if you want to stay then we can talk about a permanent employment."

A bright smile flashed over her lips. "Okay." She said softly, not knowing what else to say, all her thoughts circled around another one; I am going to see him again!

"I will call your supervisor. I'll explain the situation to him. All you have to do is buy a ticket, pack your suitcases and enter the plane...when can you be here?"

A feeling of pure happiness filled her whole body. No matter what would happen or not happen, at the moment she didn't care, all that count was that she would see him again, hear his voice again, could talk to him again...her heart was beating fast and her body was shaking due to the excitement. "I'll be there a.s.a.p."

"That's great. I'm looking forward to see you again."

He was looking forward to see her again? Her heart almost hit the ceiling of her living room as another wave of happiness ran through her body and made it jump again. The bright smile was stapled to her lips, she was glad that he couldn't see her right now because she felt like a teenage girl who had a crush on her teacher who had just told her that he'd give her an A for the term.

"Do you want me to call you when I'm there?"

"I might be at a crime scene. We have a couple of new cases and we are short staffed because I couldn't let Warrick work tonight. The best would be to call the lab and ask where I am then come there."

"Okay." And she still smiled. It was ridiculous, she could tell herself over and over again that he had made clear back then that he wasn't able and willing to give her more than a friendship but still her heart clung on to a last blade of grass. She had been the first one he thought about when he had to find someone whom he could trust. This meant that he hadn't forgotten about her, had still been thinking of her, still knew that she was there... She had a place in his memory and maybe also in his heart, she thought smiling softly. Her heart was in seventh heaven while her head desperately tried to tell herself that this was just a pipe dream.

-

She had made a few calls, had packed her suitcases in speed of light, had asked a neighbor to take care of her apartment and her plants until she'd return to pick them up and then headed to the airport.

She had decided to wear her hair in curls like she had done five years ago. She had been thinking about what to wear for hours and later had decided that it didn't matter anyways. He knew how she looked, there was no first impression that she needed to make, he already had his impression of her.

The airport was crowded and it wasn't easy for her to make her way through the hall to the right terminal. When she had finally reached it she checked in and entered the plane, her heart racing from the anticipation. Less than five hours. In less than five hours she would be in Las Vegas, looking into the blue eyes of Gil Grissom. Dr. Gil Grissom. She had dreamed of these blue eyes ever since the day that she had seen them for the last time.

She loved flying, but today the fastest way to travel was not fast enough for her. After a cold coffee, a short argument with the stewardess or "flight attendant" how the woman had corrected Sara in an arrogant and slightly irritated way and a, in her eyes, dumb control tower operator who let the plane fly two huge waiting loops over the city, which could have been interesting if Sara hadn't been all stressed out and at the same time totally excited to finally be in Vegas, the tires of the plane finally hit the ground.

Renting a car and finding a motel took her half an hour, changing her clothes twenty minutes, calling the CSI lab and finding out where he was took five minutes, finding the damned crime scene two hours because there had not only been a traffic jam but she had also lost her way twice, this city was stealing her last nerves.

When she had found the parking lot she pulled in, turned off the engine of the car and took a long deep breath. Her heart was beating up to her throat, her hands were shaking like hell and even though she tried everything to calm herself down, it just didn't want to work.

She could feel him. He was maybe still three hundred feet away from her but she could feel him...

She told herself to count to ten, then she would leave the car and walk over to him, totally calm, friendly and not shy, not acting like a teenager, totally mature...she counted to ten for four times then realized that it didn't help at all and just left the car throwing the door shut. Calm down Sidle!

With knees that had already turned into jelly hours ago, she slowly walked over to where a crowd of people was applauding.

She made her way through the crowd...and there he was. He wore a black shirt with middle long sleeves and black trousers, he still wore his hair the same way as he had back then...Sara remembered how she had been running her hands through it while he had been making love to her, how her fingers had buried themselves into his damp curls while his lips had been tracing down her neck. Heat ran through her as she felt arousal rapidly rising up in her body, damn she still wanted him so much.

He was leaning over a dummy, photographing it, someone must have tossed them down from the roof and now he was comparing their positions to the victim's.

"Norman jumped." He said taking a picture of the third dummy.

"Wouldn't you if you were married to Mrs. Roper?" She asked with a big grin on her lips. Maybe this was stupid, but trying to be funny and making a fool of herself was better than making a fool of herself without trying to be funny.

He said that he wouldn't even have to turn around to know who she was; it sent another wave of heat through her body. Did he remember her voice so well? Her sense of humor? Their conversations? Did he recall them more often than she thought he did? And oh, his voice sounded so much better than through a telephone!

As he spoke out her name she shivered softly for a moment. Sara Sidle. She wanted to hear him speak out her name forever, wanted to hear it again and again and again.

She let her bag drop down to the ground as he turned around, her hands not able to hold it any longer. These blue eyes. She wanted to look into these blue eyes until the end of time, eternity wasn't long enough.

That's me. She could have found a better answer but everything in her was just focused on him. His strong upper arms...she remembered how they'd been holding her when they had said goodbye to each other. Remembered how they had slipped around her waist, how his hands had been running over her back, pressing her against his chest. The shirt he wore didn't reveal much of his strength but only the fact that she knew that it was there was enough to make it harder and harder for her to breath.

The worst thing was that he wasn't allowed to know what she felt, still felt for him, that she still wanted to be with him, wanted to feel him. It was probably one of the most difficult things she ever had to do, pretending to not feel anything.

She changed the theme; she couldn't stand talking about his way to solve crimes, his preferences when it came to science, experiments or simply computer simulations. She asked him how the girl was doing, she did care, but not as much as she pretended to care...she kind of despised herself for it. But no matter what, she couldn't change it. This man had a strange power over her and although she knew that she needed to escape from this 'power' one day but at the moment she didn't care at all.

He told her that she was still in surgery, that she wasn't doing very well, she wouldn't make it, Sara knew it and Gil knew it too, she could see it in his eyes... Sara felt sorry for her, it wasn't right to take a life and she wanted to find the guy who was responsible for her death, wanted him to pay for it.

"God, Sara, I have so many unanswered 'why's." He said thoughtfully.

She had thousands of 'unanswered why's'. Why did he think that he couldn't give her what she needed, why didn't he just press her against his chest again, slip his arms around her waist and press her so close against him that neither of them couldn't breath anymore? Why did he think that a friendship could be the only thing that could exist between them? Why did he call her, remember her, wanted her here if he didn't care for her in another way, in a way that was deeper than friendship, more passionate than a friendship? Why couldn't he make her feel the way again that he had made her feel when he had been telling her that he wanted her, that he wanted to make love to her, that he wanted to feel her, wanted to know her, wanted her to trust him?

She could never ask him one of those questions, could never find an answer to her unanswered whys. Somehow that hurt, it made her bitter in a strange way, made her grim, made her want to scream out loud or punch something... she knew that her pillow would have to serve as her punching bag when she would return to her motel room tonight...

She said that for now there was only one 'why' that counted, one thing that was important. Why was the girl left alone by the older, more experienced CSI? Why did he leave her alone at an insecure crime scene?

That was the 'why' that haunted the girl's family, maybe not as much as the general 'why' in the question of why their daughter was facing death, fighting against it but loosing her fight none the less. That was why Sara became a CSI. She wanted to give the bereaved the answers that they needed, wanted to be the victim's last voice.

She knew that her 'why's would never be answered, she could hold on to her questions and break down while trying to find a single answer that would be proven wrong in the end anyways because no-one would ever know Gil Grissom or his reasons, probably not even he himself or she could live her life, be here and make a good job, work hard and earn trust and respect for what she did, could pretend that this was her life and how she wanted to live and could search for validation where she could gain it...it wouldn't break her the way that her other options would. She would choose that route, still with the knowledge that she couldn't go on like this forever but it was better than nothing and giving up without trying it at all.

Not the ones who fight and loose are the losers, she told herself, the ones who never start fighting already lost before everything began. She would fight, she didn't know for what or if she could win but in the end it wouldn't matter because she knew that she'd find her way.

TBC

Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed : )