Disclaimer – I DO NOT OWN THE OC.

A/N – I don't know where exactly I'm gonna go with this, it's just an idea that popped into my head one day and spilled itself out onto paper. So here we are. If I get a good enough response, I'll continue, if not, I may just leave it as a sort of one shot. If you like this, or even if you don't, please review! It would be much appreciated. Thanks 

He stood on the pier, leaning against the handrail, a cigarette in one hand. As he looked out at the endless ocean, he couldn't help but reflect on what a mess he had created. He took a drag on his cigarette; something he hadn't indulged himself in for about three years. Sandy and Kirsten didn't like smoking, and out of respect for them he had given up. But the recent events had been far from normal. He sighed as the guilt of what he had done washed over him again. He had betrayed his best friend, his brother, the only person that had always been there for him, to offer advice, to come up with ways to get him out of the sticky situations he had always somehow got himself into, however ill-designed they may have been. He had betrayed Marissa, the love of his life, who was now lying in the hospital in a coma. He had betrayed Sandy, Kirsten… all the people who meant anything to him. He felt himself getting lost in thought as the memories of that night came back to him, trying to find some explanation, some excuse for what he had done…

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Kirsten hung up the phone. "No answer," she said. She sounded a little worried, and Ryan looked up at her from his seat at the kitchen table, where he was trying and failing to focus on today's newspaper. "What's up?" he asked, glad for the distraction.

"Seth. I can't get hold of him. He's not answering his cell and there's no answer at Summer's either. He left for her house an hour or so ago, said he wouldn't be long, and I'm getting kind of worried that I haven't heard from him." She frowned, and he could see in her eyes she was more worried than she was letting on. He didn't blame her. She had been so worried about him the night of his and Marissa's accident and with Marissa now in a coma in a hospital bed, she hardly let them out of her sight. She wasn't prepared to lose her sons; she saw what Julie was going through and knew she could never do it. "I'll go. To Summer's. See if he's there. He probably just lost track of time."

"You don't have to do that Ryan, I'm sure he'll be back soon. I'm just being silly."

"No, it's okay. I need to get out of the house. Something to distract me from…" he trailed off. Kirsten nodded. "Thanks, Ryan."

He knocked on Summer's door, but there was no answer. He hadn't seen Seth's car in the driveway, but maybe Summer knew where Seth had gone. After a few minutes of knocking with no answer, he tried the doorknob. To his surprise, it opened. He pushed the door open, calling out. "Hello?" No answer. He walked in, looking around. Into the lounge. He was about to leave, but then he saw Summer sitting alone on the couch. "Summer?" She looked over at him, her eyes filled with pain.

"Seth just left," she said, clearly trying to hold back tears. Ryan looked at her, wondering what to do. He didn't want to leave her alone like this. "Are you home alone?" She nodded. "Dad and Julie went to visit… I mean, they're with…" She couldn't bring herself to say Marissa's name, and there was a definite wobble in her voice now. Ryan couldn't bear to stand seeing her like this; he knew the pain she was feeling, knew she was dying inside. He knew, because he felt exactly the same way. He had tried to bottle up his pain; knew no one else would understand how he was feeling. He loved Marissa, and he had never told her. Didn't want to ruin her chance to get away from Newport, to start a new life. Now she may die, and the sense of loss was indescribable. He didn't know what he would do if she died. Summer had been closest to Marissa besides Ryan, and she felt the same way. He felt compelled to do something, so he went over to the couch and sat beside her. He put his arm around her and hugged her close. She didn't look surprised, didn't try to pull away; just rested her head on his shoulder and wept. He felt her body heave with sobs as she let out all her and pain fear the only way she could. He rubbed her back in a soothing motion, the way he used to when Marissa was upset about something and came to him for a shoulder to cry on. Finally her sobs slowed down, and she looked up at him. "Thanks," she managed to choke out. He smiled at her, and for the first time noticed her beauty. Those beautiful brown eyes, now smudged with mascara, so close to his own, so close, in fact, that he could see the tears glistening in her eyelashes…

What happened after that was almost a blur. It had happened so fast, neither of really thinking about what they were doing. Both seeking comfort in each other, seeking a release from the pain they were feeling, an escape, a refuge. He had kissed her so aggressively on that couch, and she returned it. They moved up into her room and continued their make out session, both of them lost in the moment, forgetting the outside world, who they were hurting, what trouble this could cause. They slept together that night, and Ryan remembered it now; the smoothness of the purple silk sheets, the smell of her hair, the radio playing softly in the background….

I want a lover I don't have to love.
I want a girl who's too sad to give a fk.
Where is the kid with the chemicals?
I thought he said to meet him here, but I'm not sure
I got the money if you've got the time
You said, "It feels good."
I said, "I'll give it a try."

Then my mind went dark-
we both forgot where your car was parked
Let's just take the train
I'll meet up with the band in the morning
Bad actors with bad habits
Some sad singers they just play tragic
and the phone's ringing and the van's leaving
Let's just keep touching; let's just keep, keep singing...

I want a lover I don't have to love
I want a boy who's so drunk he doesn't talk
Where is the kid with the chemicals?
I got a hunger and I can't seem to get full
I need some meaning I can memorize
The kind I have always seems to slip my mind

But you…
But you...
you write
such pretty words
But life's no storybook
Love's an excuse to get hurt
and to hurt

Do you like to hurt?
I do, I do
then hurt me..
then hurt me...
then hurt me...

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"Ryan." He started as his name was called, jolting him out of his thoughts. He dropped his almost finished cigarette to the ground, grinding it with his foot to put it out He turned around to see who had called him. It was Seth. He felt the guilt wash over him again, as it did now every time he set eyes on Seth. "What's up, man?" He could see Seth wasn't just here for a walk; he had been looking for Ryan. Shit, had Summer told him…? No. It was a different kind of look in his eyes; a worried yet hopeful one. "It's Marissa," he said. Ryan started to worry. "What is it?" God, she couldn't be…?

"She's awake."