Hey guys! Hope you like this so far. PLEASE R& R, I really appreciate it, and reviews help me know what I'm doing right or wrong. This is only my second fan fic so it's probably not as good as most, but I try! Thanks for reading!

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Ryan and Seth arrived at the hospital and saw Kirsten standing in the waiting room, obviously waiting for them. She looked at Ryan, trying to see how he was holding up. He didn't notice her; he was so wrapped up in his own thoughts. This whole thing was so surreal. The ride over here had been spent in silence, with a million thoughts, feelings and emotions swimming in his head at once. Marissa was awake. Was she going to make a full recovery? Would she remember everything? Did she know how much he loved her? What was going to happen if she was permanently damaged? And, perhaps the most horrifying thought of all, would Summer be there, at the hospital?

"Ryan?" Kirsten put a hand on his shoulder. He started and saw it was Kirsten.

"Yeah?"

"You can go in and see her now. If you want to." Suddenly, his mouth had gone dry and he found he couldn't form the words. He nodded. Kirsten put her arm around his shoulders and led him into the room where Marissa was lying on a hospital bed, tubes and wires everywhere, machines bleeping every so often and a doctor checking over what he assumed was the chart doctors in movies always seemed to need to check. Julie was sitting next to Marissa, holding her hand. Next to her was the person Ryan had been dreading seeing: Summer. He hadn't seen her since that night, as he often referred to it in his head, and didn't want to. He knew that if he saw her again, he would only feel guilt. He also knew they needed to talk about what had happened and decide what to do about it. Obviously it would destroy pretty much everything if it was found out, but could either of them carry a secret that huge?

But Ryan pushed those thoughts out of his mind. He was here to see Marissa. He looked at her, lying there, and felt his heart go out to her. She didn't deserve this. She had been through so much. Why was it that he walked away from the accident that night, unscathed, while she may never be completely normal again? Why? He felt it was his fault; he was driving, if he had only pulled over… why, why, why wasn't it him in that bed? Why was the universe so unfair? If only he could, he would change positions with her in a heartbeat. He felt tears prickling behind his eyelids, but blinked them away. He needed to be strong for Marissa, if he could do nothing else. It was only then he was aware that the doctor was speaking.

"… can't talk yet. The drugs are still wearing off and she'll be a little drowsy for a while."

"Will… is she… will she make a full recovery?" The fear was obvious in Julie's voice. She knew Marissa was badly hurt that night, feared for her wellbeing. What if…?

"It's hard to say at this stage. While it is obvious she will live, she sustained serious head injuries the night of the accident, and also serious spinal injuries. It is possible that Marissa will be mentally retarded or will never walk again." A choked sob came from Summer. Ryan looked over at her and saw his pain reflected in her eyes. He knew what she was feeling, what was running through her mind at that moment, because the same things were going through his. The same thoughts as always, repeated themselves over and over. How could this happen to Marissa? Beautiful, intelligent, caring Marissa? And the one question that was on everyone's lips; Why? Questions that couldn't be answered, and that just hurt that little bit more. He wanted to comfort her. She understood what he was going through. He wanted to put his arm around her and say that everything would be okay, though they both knew nothing would ever be okay again.

This is an obsession, a kind of aggression with himself
It's the way he'll always be
He loves to rebel to go against his ten commandments
For him, that's just being free.

But of course, Seth was there, with his arms around her, whispering what he knew were words of reassurance into her ear. Summer let him do this, never breaking eye contact with Ryan. They both knew Seth would never understand what they were going through. He didn't feel the same pain they did, the same heartbreaking pain the loss of a loved one caused. While Marissa wasn't dead, Summer and Ryan both felt they had lost a part of themselves that night. The night neither of them would ever forget; the night Marissa was ripped away from them.

The doctor was still speaking.

"… As I said, it's too early to say yet. As the sedatives wear off and she starts talking we will be able to determine what sort of damage has been done." Everyone sat there in silence, except from sobs from Summer once in a while. The doctor excused himself and left. "Oh, Marissa." Julie sounded as if she were about to cry too, and Ryan couldn't take it anymore. He turned and left the room without a word to anyone. He went out to the kerb and pulled out a cigarette. Before he could light it, however, a passer-by told him "No smoking, buddy. You're at a freaking hospital for chrissakes." Great. Just what he needed. More guilt to add to the giant amount he was feeling already. He felt like he was going to go crazy with it, the guilt of it all. He needed a release, someone to talk to, who understood, someone who could take away this pain, this guilt, if only for a while. Angry tears dripped down his face and he furiously wiped them away. He wasn't going to break down. He couldn't. Marissa needed him, needed him to stay strong. Someone put a hand on his shoulder and his heart leapt. He turned around. It was Kirsten. Not Summer.

And he always will, get his thrills, the only way he knows how
Well it might make you frown
But he loves, being that dove, roaming where he cares to go
To a state of mind that no-one knows

He felt guilty for even thinking of Summer. More guilt. It seemed everything he did made him feel guilty nowadays.

"You okay?" Kirsten asked, obviously concerned.

"Yeah." They both knew he wasn't okay, but Kirsten didn't push it.

"You want me to take you home? We don't have to stay if you don't want to."

"I'll drive myself home. Thanks, though." He turned from her and walked to his car. She watched him go, tears glistening in her eyes. She wanted so desperately to be there for him, to understand what he was going through. But she knew she couldn't, and thought it best if she let him deal alone. She turned and walked back into the hospital.

Ryan lay in the poolhouse, alone, listening to the pouring rain outside. It was only the second time he had ever seen it rain like this in his three years in Newport, and he felt more alone than ever. Seth hardly ever popped in as he used to, understanding Ryan needed his space, but sometimes Ryan just missed his incessant ramblings. Other times he was glad for the silence. Mostly, he just missed Marissa. Her little pop-ins, the making out on the bed, even the awkward silences when they were trying to be 'just friends.' He just missed her. He went to the kitchen to get something to eat, more for something to do than because he was hungry. He found a note; Seth had gone out, probably to Summer's, but the note didn't specify. Sandy was of course at work, and Kirsten was off somewhere with Julie. Some spa, to get Julie's mind off Marissa, probably. He had just finished cream cheesing his bagel when the doorbell rang. Wondering who it could be, he went to answer it. He pulled it open to see the last person he expected.

Summer.

"Can I come in?" She was dripping wet, her black hair plastered to her face. She pushed it out of her eyes, awaiting an answer.

"Seth's not here." Was all he said. She walked inside and shut the front door.

"It's not Seth I'm looking for." She said, pulling Ryan to her and kissing him hard on the lips. He happily kissed her back, forgetting Marissa for the first time in days. Finally they broke apart.

Over there stands my angry angel
And he's shaking her head, in disgrace with me
Yeah over there stands my angry angel
And he's frowning like hell, but I'm not feeling guilty

Ryan realized what he was doing.

"Wait, Summer, we can't do this. Think of who we're hurting. Seth is my best friend, my brother. Marissa… I love Marissa."

"And I love Seth." She kissed him again, harder. While what she did completely contradicted what she said, he understood. They were really all each other had, in a way. Their nights together were a release; a release from the pain, the guilt, the fear. When he was with her he forgot everything. It was that he liked, that feeling of escape. He knew that was why she came back to him too. They had no one else to turn to, so they turned to each other. Sought comfort in each other. He couldn't really explain the complete logic of it; all he knew was that when he was with her, everything was okay. Marissa didn't exist; Seth didn't exist; pain, guilt, fear, lies, none of it existed. All that existed was him and Summer. They moved to the couch, lost within themselves. He was no longer Ryan; she was no longer Summer. They were just two nobodies, trying to escape reality.

Over and over again, more and more for the pain
To release himself, from this shell
Time after time, you may glare at
Him for the way he looks like something drawn up from hell

But that's just his cover
From what is under it
All his imagination, his
Passion for a creation
Which he has discovered,
Uncovered a world, of
Amazing sensations
His own little nation

I don't care,
I'm flying…