Disclaimer: I do not own CSI, I neither own Grissom and/or Sara (sadly)

AN: Sorry, I know it has been a long long time! My final exams are coming closer and it's not easy to study and write a lot fan fiction at the same time... but gladly my exams will also be in English so I can count writing fan fiction as studying for the exams ; )

Many thanks to Myra for beta reading :)

Summary: After a long day is over Sara is at home and think about Grissom's comment. ( this chapter is post - Primum Non Nocere)

chapter 7

Sara was confused… just a couple of days ago she had been so sure that she wasn't at all respected by Grissom and now? Had he been hitting on her or had he just told her this because he was scared that she could feel not respected again?

She laid down on her bed, actually wanting nothing more but to sleep but she couldn't forget his words. Since I met you.

Since she had met him her life had changed, drastically, forever. It had not only changed her life, it had also completely changed her. Before she had met him she had been somehow insecure. She had never felt really comfortable in her own skin, there had always been many things that she hadn't liked about her body, she had never been able to totally let herself go, to do what she wanted to do when she was with someone and he had changed it with only one sentence. "God, you are so incredibly beautiful."

Sara had forced herself to not think about that one night almost eight years ago anymore. But tonight she wouldn't be able to cling on to that plan.

He had been the first man who had made her feel beautiful. Who had made her feel special. Who had made her feel attractive. But at the same time, now, he managed to make her feel like the grayest, smallest mouse. Until today.

What the hell had he been thinking? She had just managed to accept that they were just friends, she had started to move on, she even had dated someone. And NOW he dared to completely muck things about.

Slight anger began to rise up in her, although she knew that it was ridiculous, just like this whole situation had been. First she had been totally shocked, then she had tried to see it as a joke, she had also joked about it with him later, but now when she was alone again and was thinking about their time in San Francisco she just couldn't think straight anymore.

He had not only been the first one who made her feel beautiful, he had also been the first one who had ever told her that she was beautiful, as harsh as this seemed, it was the truth.

Other girls had been their daddy's beautiful little princesses, no matter if they looked like blonde little angels or had greasy, felted hair and mud all over them. For her father Sara had only been a tease, at least she hadn't been his little punching bag, she had always told herself.

And the guys she had been with before she had been with Grissom… well the first one had been a jerk that she had just been with because she had not wanted to be the only girl in her dorm room at college who had never been with any guy. Pretty stupid for a young woman who was studying at Harvard, she knew that now.

And the second one… she didn't even want to remember him. She had turned twenty-one, half a year before that and they had been on their way to celebrate Spring Break in Florida. For the first time in her life Sara had found friends and for the first time she had been going on a trip with friends. And she had always avoided to get in contact with alcohol before, because she had seen what it had done to her parents. But before they had been heading for the airport they had had a couple of drinks and the alcohol had immediately made her loose control. And then it had happened… during the flight she and Ken had started making out and at some point he had suggested to head for the lavatory. And she had been stupid enough to agree. After their arrival in Miami she had realized what she had done and the next day she had also realized what an idiot Ken was. She had caught him making out with some Italian girl in the whirlpool. That had felt like a slap into her face and ever since Sara had avoided any contact with men, simply because she had been afraid of getting used again.

But then she had met Grissom and she had thrown away all her intentions. And all that although she had known that she would get badly burned. She hadn't cared at all.

But getting hurt when you know that you will get hurt by doing something and do it nonetheless is completely different than getting hurt when you're doing everything you can to not get hurt.

And she had done her best to not get hurt by Grissom again. She was sure that Grissom wouldn't have told her that he was interested in beauty since he met her when he would have known that it, instead of being a compliment, felt more like a punishment to her. Especially after their conversation about why she had wanted to leave Las Vegas again.

But maybe this conversation had really been his reason for today's comment. Maybe he had just tried to show her that he respected her, in his own way, with a little lack of realizing what he was really saying and without caring what she would think of what he said.

She cursed herself for it but she just couldn't swallow the little bit of hope that rose up in her, the hope that he had really meant what he had said. Her heart beat faster when she thought of it. Maybe there was a slight chance that he did still think that she was beautiful, maybe the feelings he had felt for her back then where still there and only hidden or denied by him.

Damn it she wanted to be with him, she still had these feelings for him of which she had hoped to be able to lock them out of her system. Hadn't she done all her best to get over him? She was dating Hank, for God's sake, why didn't these feelings for Grissom disappear? This wasn't fair.

She wanted to be happy, told herself to simply accept Grissom's comment as a nice meant compliment and to be happy that the two of them were good friends. But she just couldn't do it. It didn't work.

Maybe she should see Hank more often, she thought. She should try to separate private life and work, she should try to see Grissom as a good friend and only feel for him as if he was a friend and she should try to be happy with Hank. There was only one problem; she did not want to be happy with Hank.

TBC

I hope this was good, if it was or wasn't just tell me what I did good or can make better : ) next chapter will probably be about taie