Disclaimer: I do not own CSI

AN: I know it has been a very very very long time. And I am sorry for having abandoned this fic. But I promise that the updates will come frequently from now on. I didn't want this story to be unfinished before I leave the fan fic writing business.

Many thanks to Myra for beta reading :)

chapter 8

Seldom a day had been as exposing as this one. Not only had she been accused of having mishandled the evidence, she had also been accused of faking the facts in order to 'please' Grissom. And what did not lighten up her mood either was that Grissom now knew about her and Hank. She knew that at some point he had to find out, but she would have preferred it if it wouldn't have been trough Phillip Gerard.

And then he had told her that she would deserve to have a life, subtly telling her that it was okay that she was seeing Hank, that it was okay for him. Damn it, she didn't want it to be okay for him! She knew that he wasn't that kind of man who got jealous or showed his jealousy. She just wished that he would.

Probably she should stop hoping that he would ever care about her. He obviously didn't care at all. Although, his reaction after Gerard had spoken out the word 'relationship' had somehow revived her hopes. He had been slightly shocked and definitely surprised. She wondered why. Was it because he had thought that she wouldn't have time to go out? Did he think that she didn't like going out? Or had he been thinking that she would wait for him? Now that was wishful thinking, but she couldn't help it. His reaction had been weird.

But then her hopes had been destroyed by his little comment that she deserved to have a life. Had he simply accepted that she was dating someone else? She wished that he wouldn't have said it. She could have continued to pretend that he had feelings for her, but he obviously hadn't. Why couldn't she just get over him? She and Hank were seeing each other for half a year now and still Grissom was all she could think of.

She had really tried to get over him, she had done the best she could but it hadn't worked. There was something about Grissom - she didn't know what it was - that drew her to him. She couldn't help it. She just had to think of his eyes and she lost herself in fantasies and in the memories of their time back then in San Francisco. How could she still be clinging on to these events? This had happened years ago! And she was in Vegas for more than two years now and nothing had happened! Yes, he hadn't completely forgotten about her, he had still been thinking of her after years and had asked her to come here. But that had been it. He was her supervisor, her mentor, a friend but nothing more; he wasn't what she wanted him to be. He wasn't the man she lived with, he wasn't her boyfriend or lover or whatever. And he would probably never be.

She was sitting on her sofa, her fingers entwined around a coffee cup, her feet on the coffee table, her eyes closed and her head leaning back against the backrest. She didn't want to get depressed over this but nevertheless she felt tears rising up in her eyes. She could not deny that Grissom was the first man she had ever been in love with – he was special and he would always be special.

She was so thankful that he hadn't been in the room when the defense attorney had accused her of faking the facts just to please him. She would have died of embarrassment right there. Although, maybe it would have made him thinking about it, about her. The thought that he could have started to suspect the same after that comment thrilled her. He would have had to investigate this; he would have had to at least ask her about it. And what would she have told him then?

There was a difference between what she wanted to tell him and what she was able to tell him. When Gerard had accused her of having mishandled the evidence because she had a relationship with Hank she had told him – and Grissom – that she wouldn't have a relationship with Hank and that they would just be watching movies together. She hadn't been able to stand the thought that Grissom might think that she was dating someone. And that was ridiculous, because she shouldn't care about Grissom. She just shouldn't care but she couldn't help it. She did care, she cared a lot. More than a lot and more than it was healthy for her.

In fact she and Hank had a relationship. Or at least watching movies was not all they did. It didn't feel right to sleep with him, but what was she supposed to do? It would only feel right with Grissom but Grissom was not 'available'.

She had thought that Grissom might be hurt when he'd find out about her relationship with Hank. At least she had hoped it. But then he had told her that it was okay. Damn it, she had been so angry about this. She knew that it wasn't his fault, but couldn't he at least care a little bit more about her? But maybe this was his way to care about her. Back then in San Francisco he had told her that he would never be the man she deserved to be with, maybe he still thought the same. Maybe he thought that Hank would be a better man, that he would treat her the way that she deserved to be treated.

But she knew that Hank didn't love her, and she didn't love Hank. Hank wasn't better than Grissom; he was only someone she was hanging out with because she had no one else. He was someone she slept with because she couldn't be with Grissom. Probably that made her a bad person but she had the feeling that Hank wasn't any better. She did not really know much about him but she didn't feel the need to get to know him better either. He made her feel like a woman and sometimes that was all she needed.

She wished that she could tell Grissom that she still wanted to be with him, that he was the reason why she came to Vegas and why she stayed, that she did the best she could so that he would notice her, that she was working as much overtime as possible to be able to spend more time in his company… that she was in love with him since the day they first met. She wished that she wouldn't lack the guts to tell him what she felt for him.

But if she would tell him, she knew that it would probably not change a thing. It would probably only make it worse because he would maybe start to regret what had happened back then. And this was something that would be even worse. Because she did not want him to regret. If he would regret that one night they spent with each other, that one night which meant more to her than anything else, then, then she knew, her heart would break into a thousand pieces.

She sighed softly and swallowed the tears. She had to stop caring so much about him; she could still wait for him without hurting herself so much. One day she would either get over him or he would finally admit that he still felt something for her. She couldn't affect it, she had tried it and it hadn't worked. She should wait and see what would happen. When he was ready he would show her, she would be ready no matter when that would be.

TBC

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