Disclaimer: I do not own CSI

AN: see, I am still not breaking my promise of updating regularly ;) Many thanks to SaraSidleGrissom1 and Myra.

And thousand thanks to Rhee for beta reading, you're the best!

chapter 10

She suppressed the tears and tried to ignore the stabbing pain in her heart. She didn't want to cry. It was not worth it. He was not worth it. Since she knew him he had hurt her more than anyone ever had; she should have accepted it before that he didn't want to be with her. Why had she been so stubborn?

It would have been better if she hadn't moved to Vegas. At least not because of him. In the last three years everything she had done, she had been doing for him. And it had all been in vain. She swallowed hard. Tears formed in her eyes and this made her so mad about herself. She didn't want to cry. No, she wouldn't cry, never, not again, not because of him. Why did he mean so much to her that she did not manage to control herself?

She passed by the reception and was on her way to the exit door when she started to notice that someone was following her. She tried to ignore it but it made her nervous. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes while she opened the door and exited the building. A wave of hot air blew into her face and she gasped and squeezed her eyes shut. She opened them again when she knew that she had reached the sidewalk.

So what was she supposed to do now? One thing was clear; she had to stop thinking about Grissom. She had to stop caring for him. It would be easier if she could hate him, but somehow she couldn't. She was not even mad, just hurt.

Maybe it had been too fast for him. Maybe she had taken him by surprise. Maybe he just really didn't know what to do. Was she trying to find excuses for him? That was so typically for her, she thought; he turned her down and showed her that he did not want to be with her and she was still searching for excuses in order to justify herself for still loving him.

She had stopped walking when she had reached the sidewalk, remembering that she had no car because Nick had given her a ride back to the lab. Since she had stopped, the person who had followed her was now about to catch up with her. She couldn't ignore him any longer now, she tried though. She could either take a cab or walk home, but she was not really in the mood for either of her options.

She sighed and sat down on the small wall near the entrance. This day had just been too full of troubles. First the explosion, which had more or less to be seen as 'physical trouble', then Grissom had been sitting down next to her and had been holding her hand, he had been worried, had tried to take care of her and he had called her 'Honey'; making her feel as if she really meant more to him. You don't call your subordinate 'Honey' when she is only a subordinate to you! This had sent her into a state of mental dizziness, she had been so confused. Then she had felt somehow, well somehow indestructible; she had entered the suspect's apartment without feeling the slightest hint of fear; she hadn't thought about the possibility to get injured. Grissom had been right when he had told her that she had been fortunate; this could have had a bad ending. And unfortunately her self-confidence had still been boosted by the fact that nothing had happened to her at the suspect's apartment. She shouldn't have asked him. She had felt strong and ready and had concluded from his concern that now he would want more.

First his reaction had hurt her, had stabbed her like a knife, had broken her heart, 'No.' At first she had not been able to believe it; she had tried to convince him; she told him that they should simply see what would happen, but he, he didn't know what to do about this. 'This'. Probably she shouldn't have told him that he might be too late when he'd figure it out. Deep in her heart she knew that he would never be too late, never. And with her last comment she knew she had put the bite on him. She shouldn't have done so. She knew he wouldn't see it as an ultimatum, when she had said it she had meant it as one, but now she wished she hadn't said it.

The other person sat down next to her. She knew that it was him without even looking at him. She crossed her arms over her chest and buried her fingers into the flesh of her upper arms. She tried to take a deep breath but she started to shudder and the deep breath turned into a several little gasps. The tears threatened to break through the barriers and she tried to swallow them as hard as she could.

"Sara I…" He started but like so often didn't know how to continue his sentence.

She closed her eyes and bit down on her bottom lip. A single tear escaped from her eye and ran down her cheek. She didn't make any effort to wipe it away, didn't care that he would see it. "Let's just forget about this." She finally managed to say with weak voice.

"I owe you an explanation." He confessed and she could feel his eyes on her. She could imagine the expression of his eyes and she hated it that she knew exactly that she wouldn't be able to hold out against this expression.

"I don't want an explanation, they just hurt." She said almost inaudible.

She could hear him sigh and for a moment she thought about opening her eyes again, but she wasn't ready to face him yet.

"I didn't mean to sound harsh and I know that I did. I did not mean to hurt you."

This didn't make it any better. Why couldn't she just hate him as much as she was in love with him?

"It's just... Sara, you know why things would never would work out between us."

"That was eight years ago Grissom." She said softly and now opened her eyes, looking at him, straight into his eyes.

"It's not the right time. Not today and not in the next months."

"Why not today?"

"You're on an altitude flight and I am in a downward spiral." He answered after a moment.

"What's wrong Griss?" Now she got worried; what was wrong with him?

He sighed and stood up. "Nothing important. Don't worry I'll be okay, it will just take a while."

Damn it why did he sound so nonchalant about this now? "Grissom you," She sighed. "You can always talk with me."

"I'm going to be alright."

She nodded softly, knowing that he wouldn't talk about it with her anyways. "Okay." She really doubted that she would be alright though.

TBC

tell me what you think about this chap if you like to :)