Title: Hogwarts' School for Incurably Criminal Boys

Category: Harry Potter (c) JK Rowling

Genres: Romance/Drama

Rating: M

Summary: AU HP/DM Welcome to Hogwarts' School for Incurably Criminal Boys, and meet all your fav HP characters--gone wrong.

Notes

First and foremost and !HUGE BIG THANK YOU! to all reviewers, Cyber cupcakes for all of you...lol.

Secondly, a few notes regarding this fic, it would be well to mention that THIS IS NOT MEANT TO BE REALISTIC, no one has bugged me about this yet, but yeah, just in case, I didn't do any research, and I just thought this would be an interesting premise for a story. I have a friend who works in juvie, and from what she told me, this is far from real...but if it was real, it wouldn't be interesting...

Also, someone asked about the girls making an appearance, well, I can't promise anything, but Hermione and Ginny are definitely going to make a cameo or two, if it goes the way I plan it.

Anyways, that said, enjoy 02!

--BoC

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02

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Truth to be told, Harry was just as freaked out by Ronald Weasley's 'lot' as he was by Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle. Ron led him to a table; where about five or six other boys were sitting. They nodded their greetings to Ron, and turned to stare at Harry.

"Oh, hey, guys, this is Harry Potter." Ron said by the way of introduction as he sat down, "He just came here today. Harry, don't be shy." He pulled him down beside him on an empty stool, "We don't bite," He chuckled a little too loudly at his own joke, "Well, we used to, but now we don't."

"Shut up, Ron." Said the boy across from him, offering a hand, he said to Harry, "I'm Seamus, Seamus Finnigan, I used to be in the smuggling business with Ron, nice to meet you, Harry."

…Smuggling business? Business? Right, Harry shook Seamus' hand, "Nice to meet you too." He didn't know what else to say.

"Right, well," Seamus leaned forward confidentially, pointing at the others one by one, he named them, "You know, Harry, Me and Dean and George and Fred here all used to be in the smuggling business?"

"Umm…"

One of the two tall redheads spoke up; they looked surprisingly like Ron, "Yeah, that was the good old days…" he looked pointedly at Ron, who flushed red almost immediately, "Until ickle-Ronnikins here decided to do you-know-what to a fucking cop and get us all busted."

"I was NOT!" Ron yelled, so loudly that heads started to turn, Malfoy's too, to Harry's chagrin. He thought he saw the blond stand up, out of the corner of his eye, "Fred, I thought that--"

"George." Corrected the other in a very bored voice, "Honestly, you're our brother too, Ronnie, you of all people…"

Ron was turning redder by the minute, "Fine whatever, George, you--"

"Just kidding, Ron, I'm Fred." Said the redhead that had just said that his name was George. He winked at Harry, who must have looked quite out of it. "Don't worry, Harry, my name really is Fred, and this is George." He slung an arm around the other's shoulders, "If you haven't guessed by now, Ickle-Ronnikins here, is our brother."

"For the tenth fucking millionth time! Don't call me that!" Ron yelled. "And I didn't do--All I did was--" He shot a glance in Harry's direction, "…I mean, I didn't know that Lavender was a cop, okay?"

Seamus sniggered, "You still call her Lavender? Was she really that good in bed?"

By now, Ron's face resembled a ripe, overcooked and ridiculously oversized tomato. "Shut up!"

Dean, the sandy-haired boy next to Seamus came to Ron's rescue, finally. "Come on, Seamus, it's not like Ron actually knew Brown was a cop, I mean, most cops don't come in G-strings."

"But still…" Seamus seemed to want to continue the banter, but a firm look from Dean stilled him, "Oh, all right."

That over with, Harry finally glanced down at the metal bowl in front of him. It had gray stuff in it, not unlike cement. He thought of the burnt piece of bacon Dudley had saved him that very morning, and his mouth watered.

George (or was it Fred?) saw him, "Don't worry, Harry." He said, obviously trying to be kind, "Most of us have died once or twice. You'll get used to it—eventually."

Harry sighed and gripped his spoon, "Yeah, I guess." And besides, no one else seemed to be dying. He lifted the spoonful to his mouth, paused.

"Well, well," A light, almost feathery voice drew lazily, "Looks like Harry Potter has joined Weasel and Co., what a shame."

Harry gagged.

Everyone else whipped around. Ron spoke first, "Why the hell can't you just leave us alone, Malfoy?"

Harry gagged a second time, but when he turned, who else but Draco Malfoy stood there, flanked by not only two, but five of his cronies, Crabbe and Goyle among them. He managed to find his voice, "What? Have Crabbe and Goyle finally reproduced?" Harry asked.

Ron and the others howled, but Malfoy's eyes narrowed into slits. "Excuse me?" And then he smiled a smile that sent shivers up Harry's spine.

"Leave Harry the fuck alone, Malfoy." It was Dean that spoke this time, "Don't you already have enough little whores at your disposal?"

Malfoy's smile turned icier. "I believe I was talking to Harry. And don't call my boys whores, they resent that." Malfoy's cronies promptly looked properly resentful. So saying, the blonde turned back to Harry. "And so, anyways, before we were so rudely interrupted, Harry. I told my boys about you."

Harry's skin prickled. "What about me?"

"Just about you." Malfoy gestured to the group, "And they wanted me to introduce them to you. So I'll do that now. This is Adrian Pucey, Derek Montague, and you've already met Crabbe and Goyle, so we'll skip them, and this is Blaise Zabini." That done, he turned, and the boys behind him turned, after giving Harry cold nods, "We'll see you around, Harry."

Silence.

Harry looked back, Malfoy and the others had already settled back into their seats at their table. There was another boy sitting there, he didn't look to be part of the group…Harry turned back to Ron. He felt like throttling him. "What the hell was that, Ron?"

"What the hell was what?" Ron looked confused. "Calm down, Harry, this happens every time."

"Whatever happened to 'Malfoy stays away from my lot'?" Harry demanded.

"Look…I thought you knew this would happen." Ron said.

"Well," Harry crossed his arms, "I didn't."

"Well," It was Ron's turn to glare. "You should have."

"Shut up, Ron." George/Fred said. Harry still couldn't tell which one. "I'm sorry Ronnie's being such an idiot, Harry. But yes, it's true, Malfoy always likes to pay us a visit or two during dinner."

"But it's no big deal." Seamus hurried to assure him, "He calls us bastards, and we call them bitches. That's really it. Just ignore him, Harry, you'll be fine."

"How the hell am I supposed to ignore Malfoy when I'm sharing a room—I mean, cell with him?" Harry demanded.

Stunned silence greeted this declaration.

Dean ventured, finally, in a hushed voice now full of awe, "You're in Block A? What the fuck did you do?"

Harry shrugged, "I don't know."

"What the hell do you mean you don't know?" Seamus joined in.

Harry definitely wasn't in the mood for this kind of conversation at the moment. He stood up, leaving his bowl untouched and headed out of the mess hall alone.

-

To Harry's more or less immediate annoyance, he realized that he didn't know where Block A was, or where any of the other quarters were. He took out the paper that McGonagall had given him, the one with a map on it, and stared at it for a minute or two before noticing that the crudely drawn compass in the corner didn't point north. Well, wasn't that just great?

"What the hell are you doing out of the mess hall, boy?"

Harry pivoted, half relieved, half 'Oh, my God, what now?' he saw a man with extremely greasy hair looking down at him with the tip of his long, hawk like nose. "I was finished with my meal, sir. And since I've just come here today, I thought I would…um, go to my um, cell and unpack."

"Unpack?" the man raised an eyebrow, "This isn't summer camp." And then he smirked. Harry noticed that his teeth were very yellow and that he was wearing a badge too, like McGonagall's, except his read S. Snape. "Your name?"

"Oh, um, Harry Potter, sir."

Snape looked at him, "You're the new boy in Block A."

"Oh…yes, sir." Harry was determined not to look at him.

"The Max is over that way." Snape said, after a very long pause, he waved his hand in the direction away from the mess hall. "Block A is the first door on the right when you go in."

"All right," Harry nodded, already backing away, there was something very unsettling about Snape, and he couldn't put his finger on it. Hell, there was something very unsettling about this whole place…and the fact that he was stuck sharing a cell or whatever it was with Draco Malfoy...

Harry sighed and shook himself, Snape was still currently standing there, staring at him, so he just turned and went the other way.

-

"Harry, oi, Harry!"

Harry turned at the sound of his name to see Ron, Fred, and George. "What do you want?" He asked coldly, trying not to let them see just how relieved he was that they had come looking for him.

Ron reached him first, "You shouldn't wander around like this on your own, you know, Harry. Especially now, since pretty much all the Slytherins know who you are."

"Yeah, and Ronnie knows just what to do, don't you, Ronnie?" George (at least Harry thought it was George) chided teasingly, "Honestly, I think Ronnie's the one we've got to worry about, since he got on Snape's shitlist the other day…"

Snape? "Who's Snape?" Harry wanted to know.

All three Weasleys turned to look at him like he was insane. Then Fred said, "Oh, right, you haven't met Snape yet, have you?"

"Actually, I think I've met him." Harry sighed, not knowing if it was a good or bad thing. "Does he have greasy hair and a really long nose?"

"In other words, does he have fucked up hair and a fucked up nose. Yeah, that's Snape, all right." George said, "How'd you run into him so soon?"

Harry told them, finishing with, "He knows who I am, he knows that I'm staying in Block A with Malfoy." He shuddered, "It's almost creepy."

"It is creepy." Fred confirmed. "Snape's the warden in charge of the Max section. And there's no substantial evidence, but we think Malfoy's been sleeping with him. Why else would he be so nice to all the Slytherins and cheap fuck to everyone else?"

"Fred, don't scare the kid." George chided, upon seeing Harry's horrified expression. "But next time Malfoy wants to sleep with you or whatever, let him. It'll make your life so much easier. But in the meantime, stay low, you'll be fine, Harry."

They stopped in front of a metal clad building, and Ron gave him a push, "That's the Max, good luck, mate. See you tomorrow."

"Or so we hope…" George said darkly. "Last time, they gang-raped some kid in the shower, right?"

"George…" Both Ron and Fred said warningly, and Fred followed up with, "Who was it that told me not to scare the kid?"

George easily fielded the question, "Harry's not that much of a kid…and besides, he hasn't heard about the orgies yet, I'm assuming…"

"Oh, right." Ron snapped his fingers, "I forgot about that."

The twins just stared, "You forgot?"

"Yeah." Ron crossed his arms somewhat defensively, "I forgot." He quickly turned to Harry, who was standing there like a very confused spectator of a tennis game, possibly to avoid further questioning from his brothers, "Anyways…Harry, um…I'm not trying to scare you, okay? But you're going to have to hear me out, because this is kinda sort of important."

"Okay?" Harry was starting to feel just a little bit uneasy, he had been uneasy ever since he heard the words 'Slytherin' and 'orgies' in the same sentence.

"Um…" Ron paused, obviously trying and failing to come up with an acceptable explanation. He looked helplessly at Fred and George. "You try."

"Okay, since Ronnie's just too chicken," Fred slung an arm about Harry's shoulders, "It's like this, free time is from 9:30 to 10:30, and during that amount of time, you can go take a shower and fuck around. Slytherins do both at the same time--"

"—And they're fucking good at it too." Fred put in. "So, uh, watch your ass, literally, or learn how to pick locks. That way you can sneak out and go shower."

George looked at his twin, more curious than not, "…How the hell would you know if they're fucking good at it or not, Fred?"

Fred shifted, "Um…that's…"

Time to go, Harry thought grimly as he set off towards the Max, leaving the twins and Ron to ponder about why and how Fred knew what he knew. He had a feeling the outcome wasn't going to be very pleasant.