July 23, 2006

Title: For Keeps

Author: Befanini

Disclaimer: I wish. I'm only borrowing Kato and Iwaki for my daydreams. XD

Rating: M

Summary: Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies. Based on the Truth River arc.

A/N: Just as I had to write my own follow-up to Saiyuki Reload Gunlock's "Stupid Woman" episode, I just HAD to write this fic after reading the Truth River chapters of Youka Nitta's splendid manga. Iwaki's face after Kato berates him in the trailer (after they shoot the cliff scene) just stayed with me. It was the first time that Kato had truly hurt Iwaki, and the angst just ran away with me until it turned into this, my first Haru fanfic. XD

As soon as he is released from the hospital, Kato rushes excitedly to their rooms. He can't wait to see Iwaki – it's been almost two weeks since they've been together. The one and only time that Iwaki came to visit the injured actors at the hospital, he'd spoken only to Yoshizumi. Before that, things had been somewhat awkward between them, following that fight they'd had the day of shooting on the cliff, when Kato for the first time ever had called Iwaki an idiot.

Kato smacks his palm to his forehead. Fool! he admonishes himself. He should have set things straight with Iwaki at once immediately after that. Instead, Iwaki had almost been avoiding him, coming in late to their rooms, murmuring some excuse about being exhausted from shooting and saying he was tired and wanted to sleep. And Iwaki would get into his futon and draw the covers up, and Kato would be left swallowing down the words he wanted to say, swallowing down the ever-present desire for his Iwaki.

And still Kato had let things be, sure that as filming progressed and Iwaki got more immersed in the process of making the movie, that he'd come to realize what Kato meant that day they had the fight. And it had certainly seemed that way when Iwaki had thanked Yoshizumi for saving the film at the risk of his own life – Kato had been so delighted to see the familiar sternness and self-discipline and seriousness on his Iwaki's face, when it came to "work".

Kato whistles happily as he turns the doorknob, picturing their reunion. Already he can taste those beautiful lips he's been dying to kiss for these past days…

Their room is empty.

And Kato finds a note.

"I think it would be best if we maintained separate rooms while the filming lasts. For the sake of "work". I hope your injuries are okay. Iwaki."

Kato crushes the note in his hand, a hard lump forming in his throat. He swallows hard, blinking back the sting of tears. Fool… did you really think it was going to be that simple? Of course… that thing, those words, he'd flung out so carelessly, and hoping all this time that Iwaki had not been dwelling on, and pretending to himself that he had never spoken.

This. Is. Work. This is not the time to entertain your more feminine emotions!

Even if I feel sorry about it, how am I supposed to concentrate if I'm unsure about your safety! Iwaki had protested.

Didn't I already say this is work! You didn't use to be like this! YOU WEREN'T LIKE THIS!

And then the words that he couldn't believe he'd uttered to his Iwaki.

You're too concerned about me! I'm begging you… if you go on like this I'll almost be unable to love you.

And he'd walked away, fearing to say anything more to add to the shocked hurt in those eyes that he adored. Truth be told, he couldn't bear to see Iwaki so shattered, and knowing that it was his fault. He had always, always been so fiercely protective and obsessive about Iwaki, and it shocked him to the core, knowing that the pain in that flawless face was put there by him.

"Fuck...!" he curses softly, more than ever regretting his harsh words to his sensitive Iwaki-san.

XxXxX

Miyasaka visits Kato three days after, three days which have been hell for Kato, seeing only glimpses of Iwaki, since they are busy shooting separately. He still sleeps alone in their room, having no idea where Iwaki has transferred to, and not wishing to cause more distress for Iwaki by demanding of the crew or his manager where the hell he is sleeping. The make-up people are having a difficult time trying to cover up the dark circles under Kato's eyes.

So when Kato enters his trailer during a break between scenes and sees Miyasaka lounging back in his couch, he sees red and pounces. Miyasaka barely manages to squeak out that he is only here to tell him about Iwaki's words that day that they made a bet, when the winner would get one kiss from Iwaki.

Kato stands up and stares hard at his friend, still trembling with the urge to throttle him.

"You're still unsure, aren't you?" Miyasaka asks. "Onozuka told me that Iwaki refuses to say."

"You'll shut up right now if you value your life," Kato says darkly, meaning it. He doesn't need Miyasaka's gloating, not now, not on top of everything else. But Miyasaka is oblivious, and only goes on to repeat the words that Iwaki had so coolly spoken to his face, and which had shamed him so much that he'd backed off, even though he'd won the bet.

Miyasaka chuckles in self-derision, and shakes his head as he makes his way out. "I just couldn't do it, man. I thought I'd let you know. You have a rare treasure. I'm so envious."

But Kato doesn't hear, and his eyes are blank with shock and revelation, as Iwaki's words to Miyasaka echo over and over in his mind. This is the me changed by Kato's love… His heart twists painfully as it dawns on him how much suffering he has put his lover though, and how unfairly he's treated Iwaki for only being true to his feelings. No wonder Iwaki is avoiding him now.

He spends the rest of the day bungling his lines, and apologizing to the cast and crew for wasting a whole day of shooting; and the night he spends torturing himself, remembering all the tenderness that Iwaki has shown him, as time went on and Iwaki blossomed and opened himself up to him, the Iwaki "changed by his love".

Making Inside Report, and Iwaki's genuine tears when they were supposed to be acting -- and how deeply moved Kato had been, back then. If something happened to you while I'm not by your side... How would I stand living in the house that we have built together! That was an instance when Iwaki had failed to separate his feelings from work, and it had only thrilled Kato immensely, and filled him with pride, and tenderness, to think that Iwaki had displayed his feelings for him to the whole world. So why this time has Kato reacted so negatively! It is no different, and he is wrong, Iwaki-san has never changed at all...

Kato takes grim satisfaction in his self-recrimination, as he wallows in his memories.

Staying with Carl-san, and Iwaki declaring that Kato's love is priceless. Being with you can't be measured with money, can it?

You told me about this before. The joy of being loved by the beloved one that can't be compared with anything else. I've experienced this many times. Now I want to give it to you... Iwaki making love to him, and showing him how much he is cherished and adored, and that he needn't fear change as long as they are together...

Iwaki making him curry, so sweet... You kept wanting me and wanting me, and now I'm yours. Belonging to you, I'm now very happy.

And just recently - has it only been days? – those words that he has never dared hope to hear coming from Iwaki-san: I wish I could monopolize you, I wish you'd never look at anyone but me, I wish to always feel your love. If you ever failed to respond enough, I'd feel disquieted…

Kato drinks himself to sleep. Iwaki stares sightlessly out the window of his own room.

XxXxX

"Please... please, Iwaki-san, pl—please—" Kato begs brokenly. He kneels behind Iwaki and tries to put his arms around him.

Iwaki shudders and cries out at his touch, not out of passion this time, but out of lacerating pain. This is even worse than that time that Iwaki heard the baby's cries.

Kato draws back, the quick amber eyes shocked and disbelieving. He watches, pain slicing through him, as Iwaki doubles up, hugs himself, and trembles.

"Iwaki-san..."

"Don't," Iwaki says hoarsely. "I beg you."

"This isn't happening!" Kato cries. "I won't let you fade away from me! I'd rather kill myself than live without you!"

Iwaki shakes his head weakly, feeling Kato's pain acutely, and yet himself hurting even more. "Forgive me..." he whispers."Forgive me, Kato..."

Kato sobs on his hands and knees, wild with grief, and hangs his head.

"I know, I understand what you were trying to say before, about putting aside our private life when we are working. Who knows this better than me!" Iwaki hisses savagely. "I understand! But..."

Kato reaches out a trembling hand, and it hovers over the shiny black hair that he loves so much.

Iwaki continues, staring sightlessly down to the ground. "But don't YOU see, Kato... I've changed. Being loved by you has changed me. I cannot help how I feel..." he whispers brokenly. "And I know you think it's weak, and that it isn't the strong and silent Iwaki that you fell in love with, but what can I do?" Iwaki gasps, as the tears slide silently down his beautiful, pale face. "What can I do, Kato? You have made me love you so much, that I can't see anyone but you, I can't breathe, I can't see, I can't think clearly anymore..."

Kato sobs, and once more tries to pull Iwaki into his embrace.

"NO!" Iwaki cries savagely, shrugging free and finally turning around to face him. "It's not fair, do you hear me!" he shouts, trembling. "I never asked for this – I never—" Iwaki breaks off as the tears overwhelm him.

"Iwaki-san... forget what I said! Please, it's okay..." Kato pleads, unable to bear the sight of his proud Iwaki broken beyond belief.

"It's not!" Iwaki denies harshly. "I've been through so much, I've dealt with my share of shit just to be with you, and now that I've surrendered completely, now that my heart and soul belongs to you so totally, now that I cannot imagine a life without you – you turn around now and turn my love into my SIN?" he cries, hurt radiating from him in waves. "Well fuck you, Kato Yoji! What the hell am I supposed to do with myself now?"

"I never said that – I never—" Kato denies brokenly.

Iwaki stands up, looming over Kato now crumbled on the ground. "You said you are unable to love me anymore," Iwaki whispers, clenching his fists. "Do you know how that thought DESTROYS me, how it tears me apart?" he asks quietly. And then he laughs mirthlessly. "But then again, what would you care? It's just another sign of how weak and spineless and needy I've become," he murmurs derisively. "So what the fuck, huh?"

"Stop it!" Kato cries. "Who said I don't love you! Why are you talking this way! Iwaki-san would never use profanity, Iwaki-san would never degrade himself so—!"

"Exactly," Iwaki rasps, and then his eyes soften at the sight of Kato so obviously in pain, at the sight of Kato's regret, and remorse, and the same old love still shining in the bold, proud eyes. Those eyes now filled with tears. Those eyes begging him.

Iwaki reaches out, and softly brushes a knuckle against Kato's cheek. Kato is frozen.

"Forgive me, Kato," Iwaki whispers with a soft, sad smile. "I cannot live like this, when I'm even afraid to face you anymore, when I'm afraid to show my concern and worry for you, because you would think it weak, and it would only drive you away, when all I want is to always be with you, always. What am I supposed to do?" Iwaki asks gently. "I cannot stop caring, I can't help how I feel, and yet it obviously disgusts you to see me this weak."

Kato stops breathing, and his eyes widen, and he shakes his head in denial. This isn't happening. How could such careless words drive such a great wall between them now? How could he have been so callous and so cruel and so unthinking? How could he have hurt this most precious person to him... Iwaki gazes deep into his eyes. "Forgive me for loving you too much..." those soft, beautiful lips whisper.

And then Iwaki turns and walks away.

And Kato is left gasping for breath and clutching his chest, his eyes stinging and his throat hoarse. And then he turns and heaves his guts out.

XxXxX

Iwaki goes back to his room and curls up in a ball on his bed, and cries his heart out. That scene with Kato just now makes his soul bleed, and now that he is apart from Kato the pain he feels is different. It is no longer the selfish, self-absorbed hurt he has been harboring since that day of shooting on the cliff, when he had almost passed out from worry and Kato had said those careless, bumbling words. He no longer feels so self-righteous and injured.

This time all he sees in his mind's eye is his Kato, in a broken heap on the ground, eyes empty and face whiter than a sheet, from the harsh words that Iwaki has spoken. His light-hearted, naughty, impish Kato bowed and cowering in pain, like a dog... because Iwaki has acted like a foolish child and refused to accept his lover's sincere and obvious remorse. Because Iwaki heaped coals of guilt on him, to make Kato feel a fraction of his hurt.

And now it has only rebounded on him. Kato's pain is his pain, just like his pain is Kato's...

The slanted eyes widen in realization, and his heart beats madly. Kato—!

He rushes out of his room, runs madly through the halls – and almost collides with an ashen-faced Kato, eyes red-rimmed like his own, and in them burns a fierce, wild light. Kato freezes, and then takes Iwaki's breath away by launching himself at Iwaki and crushing him in a death-grip.

"Listen to me! Listen to me, Iwaki-san!" Kato cries, trembling. "If you think for one moment you can just walk away from me and expect me to watch quietly – if you think I won't do something desperate, if you think I would ever EVER let you go—!"

"Kato—" Iwaki tries to say, but Kato doesn't notice. He is crazed. His arms tighten even more around Iwaki until it is a struggle to breathe. "I will lock you up. I will handcuff you to my side and destroy the key. I don't care what you think, or how you misunderstood my stupid, foolish words! How could I say such things... Oh how could I say such a cruel thing to my Iwaki-san..." Kato cries, burying his face in Iwaki's throat. Iwaki can only stand there, eyes wide, as Kato shakes and shivers against him, as Kato's hot tears slide down his nape.

"I only meant to wake you up, to remind you of the work ethic that you hold so dear, to make you see the importance of professionalism—" Kato gasps. "I only wanted to see that magnificent actor that shines with light from within, the Iwaki that I'm so proud of when I watch him in his element—!" Kato sobs harder, and clings to Iwaki desperately. "Don't you know how much you inspire me as an actor, how I value your words and guidance when it comes to our work? I only wanted that Iwaki-san back, the one who is my mentor and my teacher and my inspiration..."

Iwaki's eyes fill, and his arms come up around Kato to return his embrace. But Kato is lost, and unaware that Iwaki is no longer rigid in his arms. Kato weeps brokenly. "I never meant to hurt you—!" he whispers. "I never thought you might misunderstand, and doubt my feelings for you..."

"Kato—"

"Don't you know by now, don't you understand, you are the reason I exist, you are everything that I cherish and adore in this world..." Kato sobs. "Is there any doubt that I love you, I love every fiber of your being, I love your strength, and your kindness, and your gentleness, and the way you say my name..."

Iwaki's tears overflow. "Kato, let me speak—"

Kato shakes his head, still buried against Iwaki's shoulder. "I love your tenderness, and your concern, and how you take care of me and worry about me, and scold me and want to make me into a better person... I love how you love me, and yet I said such a foolish thing! Oh how could I say it!" Kato cries angrily. "How could I hurt my Iwaki-san so much that he asks my forgiveness for loving me..." Kato sobs again. "This love is the most important thing in the world for me, and Iwaki-san regrets loving me... Iwaki-san thinks it's a sin..!"

"KATO!" Iwaki finally loses his patience. He pushes Kato back and shakes him by the shoulders. Kato goes limp like a rag doll and stares blankly at Iwaki, as if realizing for the first time that the other man is real, and actually in front of him.

"Baka," Iwaki rasps softly, a tender smile on his lips.

Kato's eyes widen, and then he takes Iwaki's breath away by crushing his mouth hungrily to Iwaki's, arms going around the older man and holding him with such tenderness it makes Iwaki's knees crumble.

"I love you… I love you, Iwaki… so much, always, always…" Kato mutters between kisses. He frames Iwaki's face in his hands as he presses fevered kisses all over that perfect face that he'd been so afraid he would never get to touch again. "I love you… Forgive me, Iwaki-san…"

"No, I'm sorry for being such an oversensitive brat—"

"NO," Kato denies brokenly, burying his face against Iwaki's shoulder and breathing in deep. "I should have never, never said those things to you, I hate myself for saying them, I hate myself for hurting you—"

Iwaki holds Kato close to him, and shakes his head. "I've hurt you too, love," he whispers softly, regretfully. "Forgive me for being so selfish."

And then Kato chuckles suddenly. "We're acting like a couple of idiots again, huh?"

Iwaki grins too. "You've infected me with your stupidity, you mean."

Kato draws back, his hands sliding down to link together in the small of Iwaki's back, as he rests his forehead against Iwaki's and looks deep into his husband's eyes. "Yes," he murmurs tenderly, and in his eyes shines a bittersweet light. "This is you, changed by my love. I'll never forget that again."

Iwaki drops his eyes, and his cheeks flush. Kato smiles sadly. "Ah…" he sighs. "You're still uncomfortable, and afraid of being as open with me as you used to be. I suppose I deserve that…"

Iwaki snaps his head up, and his heart twists at the pained expression on Kato's face. He immediately wraps his arms around Kato's neck and captures Kato's lips in a soft, lingering kiss. "No," Iwaki whispers when they draw apart, the merest inch. He can feel Kato shuddering against him. "I'm okay. I'll be okay, like this, in your arms."

"But don't you see, this is what I was afraid of, that's why I put off talking it over with you—"

"I'm okay," Iwaki repeats firmly, looking straight into Kato's eyes. "The only thing that can hurt me now is to be apart from you."

Kato slams his eyes shut, and clutches Iwaki to him, their cheeks pressed tight together. "I don't deserve you…" he whispers hoarsely.

"No, you don't."

"Iwaki—" Kato gasps.

"But since I don't see how I can live without the other half of me, you can count yourself lucky," Iwaki continues sternly, while his lips smile resignedly. "Annoying idiot that you are," he adds affectionately.

"I want you. Now," Kato declares intensely. "Let me show you how much I love you."

Iwaki raises an eyebrow. "You're just desperate because we haven't slept together for over two weeks," he mocks. And then he yelps as Kato scoops him up and carries him off.

"You bet I'm desperate!" Kato asserts loudly over Iwaki's vehement protests, as he marches back to their rooms, with a livid Iwaki struggling and hissing at him. (Put me down, you idiot! I can walk by myself!)

Kato kicks the door shut, walks the last few steps and finally collapses down on the bed, carefully covering Iwaki's body with his own, pressed against him skin to skin. This feels so right. This is just as it should be.

"I've missed you," he says simply, looking down at Iwaki's beautiful, beloved face turned up to him.

"I love you," Iwaki replies, wrapping both arms around his neck and pulling him down the last few inches. Their mouths melt together, and the time for words is done, as their bodies affirm once more that they belong together, that they belong to each other, and that no matter what doubts or misunderstandings may still lie ahead in the future, their love is the only thing that matters. It is the ultimate truth that will carry them through, no matter what.

Because Kato is Iwaki, and Iwaki is Kato, and they are no longer two separate souls, but the other half of each other.

XxXxX

-owari-

"Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies."

- Aristotle

XxXxX