Disclaimer: I do not own CSI or any of the dialogue I quoted from the show.

AN: First I did not want to post this chapter, but the fic would be imcomplete without Snakes so I decided to post it even though I am not fully content.

Thousand thanks to Rhee for being such a great beta reader.

chapter 17

She didn't feel well when she entered his office. Since the team had been broken up she had been worried that her comment to Ecklie might have triggered the break up. She had hesitated whether or not she should talk with Grissom about it, the thought that it might have been her fault wasn't leaving her alone.

"Hi." She gave him a soft, insecure smile. Her heart was beating up to her throat.

Grissom looked up and took his glasses off. She knew now there was no way to back out of this anymore. She asked him if he'd have a minute for her, not knowing if he maybe hadn't been occupied with something important.

"Sure." He answered.

"We really haven't had a chance to talk since the staff changes." She started and sat down. "I, …I wanted to let you know that I said some things to Ecklie that might have done the team a disservice." She confessed, feeling really uncomfortable. Would Grissom be mad at her now?

But then he told her that Ecklie had wanted to break up the team, he would have done it anyway. Nothing she might have said would have had an effect on his decision.

"He asked me if you and I had had our post-P.E.A.P. counseling session." Her comment had hinted to Ecklie that Grissom might be too overindulging. She really had a guilty conscience.

"Regardless, you should never have to cover for your boss." He told her and apologized.

She would always cover for him. She'd do everything. And he wasn't just a boss to her, he was not even just a friend to her, she just wished that he would know. That he would know how much she admired him, not only personally, also professionally. But she could never tell him, could she? Wouldn't it make her even more vulnerable? Wouldn't it make it possible for him to hurt her on more than just one level, even if he did it subconsciously?

"You've always been a little more than a boss to me." She didn't realize the meaning of her words before it was already too late to take them back. She gave him a small smile, not able to read from his expression. "Why do you think I moved to Vegas?" She added, asking herself if she was insane to play with her cards lying opened on the table from now on. For a second she paused, wondering if he would reply. But then she decided to mitigate her comment. "Look, I know our relationship has been complicated. It's probably my fault. It's probably definitely my fault." She should have thought about what to say before starting to over-talk once again. Instead of easing the meaning of her words she strengthened it. She had tried to tell him that she knew that everything between them was complicated by this one night that they had spent together in San Francisco and had wanted to add that it might be because she hadn't always been able to accept that he would never want more than a friendship with her. But she knew that he got it wrong, it had been too ambiguous.

Gladly Grissom felt as uncomfortable now as she did and did what he could do the best, he changed the topic. "You… completed your counseling, right?"

"Yeah. Yes." She nodded. Months ago. Grissom really was a bit careless when it came to paperwork. But she didn't blame him for it. Sure it would have been his job to ask her if she completed her counseling earlier, but that was just the way he was. He was a scientist and not someone who was very much into office politics and paperwork.

"And?" He asked.

"Let's just say that ..." She didn't really know what to say without making this more exposing and uncomfortable. "…I sometimes ... I look for validation in inappropriate places." She could as well have told him that she had been doing everything she could to make him notice her, that she had been working harder than all the others and more than all the others so that he would notice that she loved her job as much as he loved it. She could as well have told him that she loved him and had tried to fill in the blank in her heart with the validation he gave her for her work because he would never validate her as a woman.

They remained in silence for a short moment. She didn't know what else to say, her mind was racing, searching for the best way to get out of this.

"Look ... let's, uhm ..." He started but didn't continue. He was just as clueless about this as she was.

She didn't want to think about what he might have tried to tell her but nevertheless the options ran through her mind. He might have tried to ask her out to dinner, might have tried to tell her that they should try but he might as well have tried to tell her that they should move on and stop clinging to the memories of this one night.

"It's okay, okay." She broke the silence. "You know what, we did our session. Don't forget to document this for Ecklie." If she could pretend that this had only been a professional conversation that it would feel less exposing. She gave him a smile, hoping that he would leave it at that.

"Right." He seemed to be a bit upset about the fact that she had switched the conversation back into a professional mode.

"Thanks." She stood up and left, her heart beating fast while she made her way through the hallway. Where would they go from here? Had she just ended it? Or had she just ended chasing him? She didn't know.

She was so confused for a moment, but then she managed to gather herself again. She had simply shown him that he had always meant a lot to her and had confessed that the job had not been her reason to move to Las Vegas. Her comment about tending to search for validation in inappropriate placed had been very ambiguous, it didn't necessarily have to mean something to him. She shouldn't worry, he wouldn't see this conversation as an ultimate ending of their non-existent relationship.

At least he had been able to convince her that her comment to Ecklie had not been the one thing that had lead to the team split; at least she didn't feel guilty anymore, now she just had to find a way to get rid of the insecurity she felt.

TBC

I'd really like to know what you thought about this because I really had problems with writing this chapter, so feel free to tell me.