"So what do you guys wanna do tonight?" Maureen asks with a small sigh. We all sit in the loft in silence; Joanne and Collins sit on the couch, Maureen sits on the floor leaning on Jo's legs, Mark sits on the duck taped chair and I find myself sitting on the window ledge, looking out at the lights of New York. Yeah, I told them about my current HIV status, which, unfortunately, isn't helping our current mood.

"The Life?" Collins asks sounding completely desperate for something to do. We all shake our head.

"We always go there…" Joanne says with slight frustration in her voice. "What do you wanna do Meems?"

"Hmm? Oh, let's stay in tonight…" I say with a small smile, as I walk over to my friends.

"And do what?" Mark asks suspiciously.

"You haven't cleaned Roger's room have you? You haven't gotten rid of any of his stuff?"

"No…why?"

"I was thinking we could do that tonight…I mean…we should at least clean it. We all know how messy that boy was." I say with a small laugh.

They all look at each other with a weak smile.

"You sure you'd be ok with doing that Meems?" Collins asks.

"Yes." They act like I'm a bomb just waiting to explode when they bring up Roger. "Look guys, you don't have to be like this around me all the time. I'm not gunna start shooting up just cuz you said Roger's name in front of me." They glanced at each other and said nothing.

"Mark, will you be okay?" I ask, ignoring the awkwardness that's starting to fill the room. He nods his head and smiles weakly at me and I smile back.

"Great…let's get going people. We don't have all night." I say as I walk into Roger's room. It's the first time I've been here since he died. His guitar still sits in the corner of the room, untouched with dust piling up on it. And his clothes lay on the floor. I don't know if they're clean or dirty, Roger was never the neat one of the group.

Joanne starts picking up the clothes, Mark makes the bed and Collins, Maureen and me clean out his closet. There's that candle that I left the first time we met and some of my clothes when I used to spend the night here.

"Look at this," We all turn around to face Collins holding a bunch of papers, "How many songs did that boy write? Some of these aren't even finished yet." Yeah, that's Roger. It takes him a full year to write a song, but when he finishes…it's the most amazing song we have ever heard. And I would give anything to hear him sing again, to hear his voice again.

"What's this?" I hear Maureen mutter under her breath. Collins looks over as I keep rearranging things in the closet. And I see Joanne and Mark making their way towards Maureen. "Mimi…"

I turn my head to see Maureen clutching a folded piece of notebook paper, lined with fringe on the side as it had been torn out of a notepad. She hands me the piece of paper and I slowly pull it from her fingers, confused. They all look at me expectantly and I slowly pull the torn edges of the paper from each other, revealing Roger's sloppy writing.

I slowly sit down on the bed as new tears come running down my face. I look up at them and see their sad faces looking down at me. I stare at the piece of paper and I could barely read the lines through my blurred vision.

Mimi,

There's so much I wanna say, and not much time to say it. All I really need to write is "I love you Mimi Marquez" over and over again until my arm falls of, but I'll give you a little more to remember me by.

This was a letter he wrote to me when he was in Santa Fe. I feel my hand start to shake and I hold the paper tighter to hold it steadily in front of my face.

I'm sorry for putting you through all this. I'm sorry that I'm such a coward that I couldn't even stay for the one person I truly ever loved. But, with this letter, I wanna show you how much I really do care.

I wipe tears away from my face and sob quietly, trying to focus on the letter.

Before I met you, I was lost and I was afraid to keep living. I didn't know what to do with myself; I just wanted to get out…to run away from everything. And every day I wonder why Mark is still my friend after all the bullshit I put him through.

I look up at Mark who was now leaning against the wall with his head down.

But then I met you. Mimi, you made me wanna keep going. You made me realize that there was still so much left to live for. You taught me how to love again.

I run my finger over an old wet mark on the paper. I suddenly pull away as I recognize what it was. A tearstain.

Right now, I'm wishing I could feel your lips on mine, and hear your voice again. I'm wishing that I didn't have to be so selfish and stupid for leaving you like that, because with you, I feel whole again. I know that I never really showed affection and I know you think that I'm doing this because I don't love you anymore, but the truth is…I was scared…I still am. After April left me, I didn't think I could ever give my heart away again. But once I met you, I couldn't keep pretending that I didn't care. I wanted you there with me. And I can't even put in words how happy I was that night at the Life.

I wish I could take back everything I said before I left and I wish that wherever you are right now, that you're happy and safe.

I don't really know what else to say and I think this is enough for now, but before I go, just know that I love you…more than anything. Thank you for keeping me alive, thank you for giving me a reason to keep breathing. And most of all, thank you for loving me.

I can't wait to see you again, but until then, I love you, I miss you, and I'm sorry.

-Roger

I sob quietly and I find myself reading the last sentence over and over again. I can't help but wonder why I'm just finding all these things now…first the ring, and now this. It's almost as if God wants me to suffer more and more each day without Roger.

I slowly get up to make my way out of the loft, not saying another word to my friends. I guess I'm getting kind of scared now…and angry in a way. I just want things back to the way they were…I want Angel back…I want Roger back…

It's raining again. Why the fuck does it always have to rain when someone's depressed? Well, in a sense, the rain drops gives me a bit of comfort…at least I know that I'm not the only one crying tonight.

"Mimi?" I hear a voice call out to me and I turn around to see who it was.