Chapter 3: You're Still You
I've loved you for so long
And after all is said and done
You're still you…
Time changes everything
One truth always stays the same
You're still you
After all
You're still you
- Josh Groban, "You're Still You"
Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. This is what was chanted in Lorelai's mind as she walked from the safety of Miss Patty's into the cold and unforgiving open leading to Luke's Diner. The short, choppy sentences reminded her of the Karate Kid. Maybe chanting "wax on, wax off," would have a calming effect. Wax on, wax off. Wax on, wax off. Wax o-Mr. Miyagi, I'm not. She was halfway there. After a few seconds, another repetitive and redundant (and repetitive and redundant) phrase popped into her head. I think I can. I think I can. All these phrases were bound to give her a headache. She read The Little Engine That Could to Kate the other night. Her daughter loved it and ate the words up like a Hungry Hungry Hippo. Oh, that little girl. She was going to be a lot like her sister. Lorelai hardly ever thought of her daughters as just half-sisters. She liked to pretend that they were real, pure blood sisters that had more than just a mother in common. They had a unique bond, one that Lorelai never experienced herself as an only child. Rory was lucky. Of course, there was always Christopher's daughter, Gigi, Rory' other half-sister. They were practically strangers. Kate and Rory were far beyond that. Kate admired her older sister so. The feeling she had whenever her two daughters were together was something that could never be replaced.
That did it. Her line of thought distracted her long enough and she was now standing in front of Luke's door. No circling, she ordered herself once more. Lorelai glanced in the window and her breath caught in her throat. There he was. His red, flannel-clad back was facing away from her, probably fixing something on the back counter. The diner was dead. That's good, I guess… She felt her heart start to thump against her chest. It felt like a million butterflies swarmed in her stomach. She dreaded this feeling. She had now seen Luke a total of three times since she had left Stars Hollow. Each encounter was different, but that first glance of him was always the same. For a brief second, she could see everything. Their long history. Their friendship. Their whirlwind romance. Their separate pain. Luke's features and habits that was innately found in their daughter. Lorelai sighed. She had fought so hard to get rid of these feelings in California. It was the hardest thing she ever had to do. And she had. Lorelai thought she could honestly say that she wasn't in love with Luke anymore. But, just for a moment, she forgot this fact. It was Luke, after all.
Lorelai could feel the confidence start to ooze out of her. Half her brain told her that this encounter was no big deal. You've seen and talked to Luke since you broke off the engagement. You can do this! The other half begged to differ. What? Are you kidding yourself? This is Luke! Each time you have seen him has been met with mixed results. Your phone conversations are short and only about Kate. Nothing personal.
With a split second burst of panic, Lorelai glanced over at Rory and Kate. Rory was staring right back at her, waiting to see her go in. Kate, on the other hand, gave her mother no mind. She was nearly bursting out of Rory's arms, hands outstretched. She looked like she was trying to have a conversation with the dog in the cage. Probably a mixture of barks and gibberish. Chains of "woofs" and "yips." Even from across the street, Lorelai could make out Kate's words, "Doggie, Wowy!" Rory absently nodded, but looked right at her mother. Lorelai knew she could see the 'deer in the headlights' look. She had been caught in her hesitation. Rory raised her eyebrows in question. Lorelai shrugged. She and Rory had the ability to role reverse, probably ever since her daughter was four. When Rory acted like a bratty child, Lorelai pulled out the mom-card. When Lorelai acted like an immature juvenile, Rory was the voice of reason and maturity.
"Go," Rory mouthed. Lorelai nodded back. She knew what she had to do here, but that part of her brain wasn't functioning right then. She needed to talk to Luke before the rest of the town bombarded him. Babette already knew she was here and she was almost positive that Miss Patty got the heads up. Next would be Kirk, then Taylor, then Andrew, then Gypsy, the Al…Lorelai placed her shaky hand on the door and pulled it open slowly. How did things get so complicated?
"Luke's," came the slightly irritated voice on the other end of the line. Lorelai didn't realize it, but her heart had sped up at every dial tone and it was now thundering in her temples. It wasn't so much that she was going to tell Luke that she was pregnant. She now realized that coming to Boston might've been a mistake. A mistake that Luke was going to find out about. She took in a breath.
"Hey, it's me," she burst out quickly, hoping it didn't sound as shaky to Luke as it did in her own head. Christopher gave her a look. One person who could read her almost as well as Luke was Christopher.
"Calm down," he whispered to her. Sure, he was calm now; he had a couple beers. He got to loosen up. An hour ago, he was freaking out too. Lorelai was nervous.
"Hey Rachel," Luke stated. She could feel him smiling over the line. He usually scolded her in rant form about only identifying herself as 'me' on the phone. "I mean, it's ridiculous," he usually said, "You could be talking to someone, maybe even say something bad about another person, and it could be the wrong person. Then you're embarrassed. Then he's embarrassed. Who teaches their kids to identify themselves like that?" "It's only a problem if you are dating two people at once. Or if your naive girlfriend thinks she got an STD from a tractor seat and didn't tell you. You should catch up on your TV. They did an entire Seinfeld episode about this exact subject," was Lorelai's normal reply. This usually got Luke into the next rolling rant about television…
"Hi! So not funny!"
"Yeah, well, that's what you get for saying 'it's me.'"
"You should know my voice by now. What other women call you, anyway?"
"Uh, my sister."
"Liz usually just pops on by. She hardly ever calls you. Admit defeat!"
"Never," he said absently. Lorelai liked it when he was playful. It took her mind off the task at hand. Well, almost anyway.
"What are you up to?"
"Pouring Kirk coffee actually."
"Quarter caf?"
"No, a half 'n half, believe it or not."
"Wonders never cease. Tell Kirk I said hi." Luke moved the phone away from his mouth.
"Lorelai says hi and to stop bothering me." She heard Kirk mutter something like, "She didn't say that. That doesn't sound like her."
"I might have embellished," Luke said dryly.
"Hey, Luke?" She called out to him. She needed to get it out before she lost her nerve.
"Yeah?"
"I need to talk to you about something. Well, run an idea by you, actually."
"Um, okay…sure," Luke paused, "Can I call you back, though? The rush is starting to come in." Lorelai looked at the clock on Christopher's wall. 5:15. Damn. She didn't mean to call him when he was busy.
"It can wait then." Lorelai sounded a bit dejected. She tried not to; it just slipped out. Luke sensed her tone.
"You okay?"
"Yeah, fine. Just got something on my mind."
"How 'bout I call you as soon as I can get free."
"Great, but my cell is dead and charging in the car so I need you to call me at…uh..." Lorelai gave a frantic look to Chris. He held up his fingers and she rattled the numbers off to Luke.
"This isn't the inn's number, is it? The area code is different." Jeez, he caught on fast.
"Well, I'm not exactly in Vermont anymore."
"Really. Where exactly are you?" Luke asked, sounding casual. Lorelai still sucked in a breath. Here goes nothing. Being pregnant was nothing compared to this confession.
"I'm exactly in Boston."
"Oh?"
"Apparently the city was all the rage with Samuel Adams and his patriots."
"The beer?"
"Boston Tea Party guy. But, I must say I'm here for the baked beans."
"Oh yeah. Where are you staying?" Damn again. She thought she could put this off longer. Lorelai glanced over at Christopher, who was flipping through Rolling Stone and trying not to listen to her conversation. He looked up. "Guest Room?" she whispered to him. He pointed down the hall. She got off the couch and made her way to the room.
"What was that?" Luke asked.
"That was nothing."
"Who were you taking to?"
"That's another thing I need to talk to you about. I need you to promise that you won't freak out until I explain."
"I'm not making any promises until I hear what you have to say." Lorelai sighed. Definitely not good.
"I'm at Christopher's apartment in Boston." Luke didn't say anything for a moment.
"I'm going to hang up and call you upstairs. We obviously need to talk," Luke said coolly. Crap!
DING. The bell above the door sounded as she entered the diner. It was amazing how one sound could stir up so many memories. Lorelai walked past the door frame, heels click-clacking on the floor with her steps. Luke didn't budge, his face still fixated on whatever was on the counter. He used to turn.
"Be with you in a minute," came the automatic response. His back was still to her. The diner was completely empty. Even Caesar was no where to be found. She tried to soften her steps so her heels wouldn't echo so loud. Lorelai made her way over to the counter and plopped into a stool. Her stool. She allowed herself to look around for the first time in over two years. Everything looked the same. Even the rubber pork chop. A faint smile crossed her lips. Luke was a creature of habit. She racked her brain for how to start speaking. Luke was fiddling with something in front of him, probably a toaster. They liked to act up. Lorelai heard a clank. It sounded like he had dropped something in the slot. "Dammit," he cursed in a gruff whisper. Say something. Speak up, said her inner Rory. Say something. Say anything.
"How 'bout a cup of Joe," Lorelai stated, but not in her voice. It was the deepest, most manly voice she could muster. Very similar to her Dean voice. Where the hell did that voice come from? It sounded idiotic! What were you thinking?
"I said I'll be with you in a minute." He sounded frustrated and impatient. Understandable. Toasters are frustrating. Women using fake man voices are frustrating. Talk normally.
"How 'bout some coffee for an old friend?" she heard herself say. Better. Lorelai attempted to plaster a normal looking smile on her face. She anticipated his turn. She watched his weight shift as he reacted to her voice. He was hesitating. Then, he turned. Luke looked at her full on. Lorelai could tell he was trying to hide the shock from his face. He was searching for something in her eyes. Lorelai hated when he looked at her like that.
"Lorelai," Luke said in basic disbelief. Lorelai was suddenly glad the diner was empty. She was also glad she was sitting. The way he said her name unnerved her. Only he had that ability.
"Hey Luke," was all she could say in response. She could tell he was battling a million questions in his head. Lorelai suddenly felt foolish. She miraculously sounded casual when Luke looked like he was on the verge of a freaked rant. She let her cheeks loosen, trying to make her smile not seem forced.
"So, uh, the diner…looks the same," she began, not sure what else to say. Luke wet his lips, letting his eyes travel around his place. "Yeah, not much has changed," She said. Terrific, now I'm starting to ramble. "I was driving all around town today and everything still looks the same."
Luke cleared his throat, "Did you ahem, uh, drive by Al's Pancake World?" He was attempting to play off her. To act as breezy as she appeared. If only he knew about the chaotic thoughts that made her brain swell.
"Oh yes. Very unique color scheme. I forgot about that." Luke pulled a rag out of his back pocket and began to wipe off the counter. Lorelai knew that whenever Luke felt uncomfortable, he needed to keep his hands busy.
"Did you hear about Kirk and Lulu?" he asked, avoiding eye contact.
"Oh my God, Sookie told me. I can't believe we are going to have a little Kirk running around here soon. He should not be allowed to reproduce."
"Kirk's not so bad," Luke said defensively, throwing Lorelai off guard, "I mean, it might turn out to take after Lulu anyway." Now, he was trying to cover up his tracks. Lorelai let the comment go. She knew Kirk admired Luke. They were silent for a few minutes.
"I wasn't kidding about the coffee. I could really use some right now."
"I'll make a fresh pot," Luke murmured, glad to have a reason to turn around. Why is she here? He needed to know.
"We?" he asked as he spooned coffee into the filter.
"Sorry?"
"You said you couldn't believe that we were going to have a little Kirk soon. Mind if I ask who 'we' is?"
"I just meant us. The town as a whole."
"And you're a part of the town…" he prompted coolly. He didn't mean to sound so bitter. He wasn't anymore. He just couldn't help how he sounded.
"I moved back, Luke," Lorelai said bluntly. She knew what he was hinting at. He slammed the filter container into the coffee maker. She winced.
"Thanks for the heads up," he said dryly. He placed both hands on the back counter, leaning into them.
"It was a last minute decision."
"How long have you known?" He asked, turning to face her now. His left hand was balled into a fist in an attempt to not lose his temper.
"I left California two weeks ago."
"I just talked to you on Friday."
"I'm sorry. It was wrong of me not to tell you."
"Damn right it was," Luke mumbled as he picked up the rag and started rubbing harder on the table.
"Luke, it was also wrong of me to keep Kate from you," she began. Luke stopped rubbing for a second. "I mean I wasn't trying to. I wanted you to be an involved father. But being across the country, I indirectly kept her from you. I kept you from being a dad like you want to be. And, I'm sorry. That was never my intention. So, I decided to come back. I brought Kate to you." Luke didn't say anything. Lorelai took a deep breath, "I know we always said we would discuss custody issues when Kate was a little older, but I'm not in Santa Barbara anymore. We can make these decisions sooner, if you want." Luke nodded. He still couldn't look her in the eye. "Is that, uh, okay with you?"
"I'm not mad about that. You should've told me you were moving back."
"I know."
"Is she here?" He chose this moment to catch her eye.
"She's outside with Rory looking at the puppies, which might have been a bad idea. Gilmores and animals don't mix. " Luke's gaze drifted to the window. He left the counter and walked closer to it. Lorelai got up and followed.
"She's big," Luke stated after a few moments.
"Kids tend to do that to you."
"She looks just like you."
"There's more of you in there then you think." They continued to watch the two Gilmore girls. Rory and Kate were hunched over in the grass petting a small poodle. Kate was talking. Rory was laughing.
"Rory looks like an adult."
"Scary thought, huh?" Luke nodded. They were silent again. "It's good to see you, Luke. You look…you look good." And he did. His appearance was slightly older, but he was still as attractive as she remembered.
"So do you," he said with a sigh. Kate ran away from Rory in the grass, turning around every so often to see if her sister was following her. Rory was following, pretending to run, but really just walking slow. After running a few laps, Rory "caught up" and scooped Kate up in her arms. She then proceeded to spin in small, fast circles. Both girls were giggling. Rory started to waver and then plopped down in the grass. Lorelai broke the silence.
"We really don't have to talk or decide anything now. You can even keep your relationship with her the same. It's all up to you. I just wanted to tell you that we're here. You'll be seeing us around. We may even stop by the diner. You do have the best coffee, after all." She looked over at Luke. A smile crossed his lips as he watched Kate. His daughter. Their daughter. Then, he met Lorelai's gaze.
"I want to be more involved."
"Good…that's good. That's what I hoped you would say." The sound of coffee slapping against the wall of the glass pot made Lorelai jump.
"You still want that coffee?"
"God, yes!"
"Coming up." Luke crossed the floor and went back behind the counter. He pulled out a blue mug from under the counter. It was the one with the chip. Her favorite. The heavenly blend traveled through the air and hit her nose. She was suddenly elated. Luke slid the mug over to her and she snatched it up greedily. Then came first sip.
"You remembered."
"Your disgusting habits stay with some people."
"I missed this. I haven't had a decent cup of coffee in ages."
"I haven't had a true addict in here in ages. Anything else I can get for you?"
"Yeah, actually. Do you mind making lunch for Rory, Kate, and I?"
"It's almost 2:30, Lorelai. You haven't had lunch yet?"
"Nope."
"Jeez. What do you want?"
"Burgers and fries for Rory and I. Wait, make that cheeseburgers. Ooo, and pie. And more coffee. And get Kate, um, some fries and…do you have any peaches?"
"Peaches?"
"Kate likes peaches."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah she does." Luke smiled again.
"Coming right up."
The ringing phone jolted Lorelai out of her panic-induced stupor. Luke did not sound happy. As soon as she said the words 'Christopher' and 'apartment' in the same sentence, she could feel Luke's mood shift. Now she was lying on the bed in the guest room, waiting for his call. Each minute that passed felt like a heavy weight being placed on her chest. Luke sure was taking his time. He was probably trying to calm down. She braced herself as she pushed the TALK button.
"Hello?"
"Hey," Luke said, his voice still cold and emotionless.
"Hi,"
"I suppose you are going to tell me why the hell you are in that guy's apartment." Ouch, Luke didn't beat around the bush.
"I don't know," she said softly. Lorelai didn't even know where to begin. Obviously Luke didn't calm down much before he called.
"What do you mean you don't know? How the hell could you not know?"
"I don't-"
"How long have you guys been talking?"
"I swear, I haven't talked to him since my parents vow renewal."
"Why are you there?"
"I don't know. I was in the car, I saw the sign, and without sounding like the lyrics to an Ace of Base song, I ended up here. I can't explain it. I wasn't thinking. I just wound up at his door."
"Bullshit."
"Excuse me!"
"I think I made myself clear."
"I thought you were going to let me explain first."
"I made no promises."
"Well, that's what happened. You can choose to believe me or not."
"You know, you could've just told me that you planned on visiting your ex-boyfriend. I might not have understood. Hell, I might've been pissed off. But, hey, at least I would've known instead of thinking that my fiancé was in VERMONT this whole time!"
"I wasn't hiding anything! Believe me, I didn't plan on going to see Christopher. It just…happened. I told you, I haven't had contact with him since that night."
"When we broke up."
"Yes," she said with a sigh, "When we broke up." She should've known Luke would have a hard time understanding.
"I guess I don't get it."
"No! I was having a hard time cracking that code," she spat back sarcastically. She was starting to get pissed now too.
"I'm not a complicated man, Lorelai! It doesn't make sense to me when my fiancé wants to willingly spend time with a man she has a long, upsetting history with."
"You didn't let me explain," she muttered under her breath.
"What?"
"I needed someone to talk to!" Lorelai blurted out, surprised by her own confession. Her anger was getting the better of her. Her judgment was clouded.
"About what?" Luke said, words laced with fury.
"Rory! It was about Rory, okay!"
"You could've talked to me about Rory."
"There was other stuff too."
"Like what?"
"I'm not ready to get into that right now."
"Stop hiding!"
"I'm n-"
"Stop! Stop it, Lorelai!" Luke interrupted, "You've been hiding from me. You haven't talked to me about Rory. I was here. I've been waiting. I am so sick of this."
"You wouldn't understand!" she shot back, her voice sounding teary. God, this fight was terrible.
"Try me!"
"Chris is Rory's father. He deserves to know what is going on in her life."
"No, he doesn't."
"Stop pushing it, Luke."
"He's not there. He's only Rory's father when it's convenient."
"Maybe you're right to an extent, but he's different now. I thought that if anyone understood what I was going through, it would be him."
"And I wouldn't! Lorelai, we're getting married. I have been a part of yours and Rory's life for over nine years. Dammit, why wouldn't I understand?" He fumed over the line. He was right. He would understand. He already did understand her. God, why did she have to screw things up all the time? She sucked in a few breaths, trying to get the lump lodged out of her throat.
"I don't-" she suppressed a sob," I don't know, Luke. I really don't know why I couldn't confide in you. It was just a complex I had."
"Jeez, Lorelai. The Christopher issue was one thing, but this is worse. You don't trust me!"
"Yes I do!" she yelled back defensively, "You are one of the few people that I can trust."
"No, you don't. You say you trust me, but you don't. Your sense of trust is warped. If you really trusted me, we would've talked about this sooner."
"Didn't you already know how I felt? You know me."
"Of course I did, but it would've been nice to hear it from you."
"It was hard." Now the tears had been released with reckless abandon. She could do nothing to stop them. She was so mad. She was so sad.
"Life isn't easy. You deal, Lorelai."
"Stop it! Don't you think that, of all people, I know how hard life is?"
"Yeah, you do to a certain extent. But not when it comes to Rory. You always had it easy with her. She was a good kid. Now, she's rebelling and I know it hurts you. I know. I'm sorry I'm yelling at you like this. But, you're only hurting yourself here. This is doing you no good. You can handle so many things by yourself and I always admired you for that. But, this is different. I want to be here for you, but it's hard when you aren't letting me." They were both quiet then. Lorelai could hear Luke breathing heavy on the other end. This was hurting him too. She was hurting him. She was doing the one thing she had always promised herself that she wouldn't do. And that… that made her stomach churn more than anything. A sob broke out in the silence. She hated that she was crying right then. She never felt so emotionally weak. The pregnancy hormones were kicking in.
"I'm sorry, Lorelai," Luke said softly. His voice was calm and even. "Shh…it's okay. We'll be okay."
"You're not the one who has to be sorry." She managed to find a tissue in the dark room. How long had they been arguing? "Gah, I am such a mess. I am such a huge, emotionally stunted mess. I don't see why you would want to marry me."
"I'm marrying you because I love you. I am committed to you. I am not letting us go this easy."
"Luke, you just accused me of not trusting you. If that isn't a basis for breaking off the engagement, I don't know what is."
"Do you want to break off the engagement?"
"No," she whispered.
"Neither do I."
"I hurt you."
"It will happen. But, we work on it and we move on. You just need to learn to talk to me. I'm not looking for a way out. You should trust me. If we can't communicate, then this marriage will never work."
"I know," Lorelai's breathing started to even out, but she still felt uneasy. She also hadn't told Luke about the pregnancy yet. "I'll try. Just…give me time. The people in my life haven't always been dependable. Even my own flesh and blood."
"I know. Give her time. She'll come around."
"You sound so sure."
"I know Rory."
"Yes, you do." They were quiet once again. Lorelai felt that now was as good of time as ever to tell Luke. However, the urge to chicken out was just as strong. "Luke?"
"Yeah?" Here was her chance.
"I'm late." He paused.
"For what?" Whoosh, there went her confidence.
"Never mind. We'll talk more tomorrow."
"Are you coming home?"
"That's the plan."
"Good."
"You better go back to work."
"You're probably right…I'm sorry I yelled at you."
"I deserved more."
"No you don't. Get some sleep. I'll see you tomorrow. I don't want you beating yourself up anymore."
"Okay, I won't."
"Good. Goodnight Lorelai."
"Night Luke." She hung up the phone and set it on the nightstand. It was still very early. She wasn't hungry. She didn't want to talk to Christopher. Lorelai felt so drained. The argument took a lot out of her. It was weird; one minute, they could verbally battle it out, but then be able to make amends the next. Luke was always honest with her. He could read her so well. It was frightening. Everything he said was so true that it hurt her to the core. Then, after all that talk of holding back and not trusting him, she couldn't even tell him that she was pregnant. She was so screwed up. Lorelai pulled back the covers and pulled off her pants. After taking off her top, she stuck her toes under the covers. She didn't want to think anymore. Lorelai just wanted to sleep. It didn't matter that it was only 6:00.
DING.
"What took you guys so long?" Lorelai asked after turning to see Rory and Kate walk through the door of the diner, "I called you ten minutes ago."
"The town happened," Rory stated dryly, handing Kate over to her mother, and then plopped onto one of the diner stools next to Lorelai. Lorelai put her toddler on her lap and planted a kiss on Kate's cheek.
"Mommy!" Kate said.
"Hi sweetheart. How were the puppies?"
"Doggies!" Kate said with a giggle.
"Did you pet some cute ones for Mommy?" Kate nodded, "Did you wear Rory out?" Lorelai asked as she glanced at her oldest daughter. Rory had her arm outstretched on the table and laid her head on the counter.
"Coffee," Rory groaned.
"I think its time you joined a gym. You must be out of shape if you can't keep up with Kakers."
"I can't believe you just told me to join a gym. When was the last time you set foot in a gym?"
"Ah…um…nindyeightyfoor."
"I'm sorry…what was that?"
"1984," Lorelai muttered.
"Ha! I win."
"I do have a point, though. It's not so bad if Kate wears me out; I'm middle aged now. You, on the other hand, are young and spry and should be able to keep up with a toddler."
"To tell you the truth, Kate didn't wear me out as much as the incessant questions from the town mob."
"Cool! You got mobbed? Did the have torches and pitchforks?"
"No, they were armed with, 'Well, Rory, how is your new job? Is this your sister? Where's Lorelai? Don't you think Kate has Luke's chin? What do you think Luke will say when he sees your mom again?' and blah blah blah blah. So many questions! I love this town, but sometimes I'm glad I split my time between here and Stamford."
"They just love you, hon. You are the golden child of Stars Hollow."
"I was kinda hoping the kid here would take my place."
"That means you'll have to renounce your crown."
"That's okay, it gives me crown hair. Where's Luke?"
"He went into his storage shed to see if he still had a highchair."
"Doesn't he normally keep a highchair here?"
"Apparently, he's trying to discourage those Sunday morning baby parades that used to eat breakfast here."
"You mean the ones that breastfed in public. Ew, good riddance." Lorelai dug out a brown, scruffy looking stuffed dog from Kate's diaper bag and handed it to her daughter. Kate's eyes immediately lit up and she held the dog close.
"Doggie," Kate said.
"What's the doggie's name?"
"Callie," Kate replied shyly.
"She's getting better and better with the verbal."
"That's because she's a Gilmore. You started talking in sentences early too."
"You named the dog for her didn't you?"
"Well, she hasn't honed in on her naming skills yet. It was pretty easy; same name as Mia's dog."
"My mistake. You're one to talk about naming abilities. The Crap Shack?"
"Yeah yeah, you're right."
There was a lull in the fast-paced banter and Rory looked over at her mother and sister. Kate talked gibberish to Callie while Lorelai smoothed a bit of the baby's hair.
"How did it go?" she asked after awhile.
"Not bad. A little junior high dance at first, then we eased back into a pattern. You were right; he wasn't happy that I didn't tell him about moving back."
"We only ate here everyday for nine years. I pick up on Luke vibes well."
"Yes, yes, we are all proud of you for that. But, he seems okay that we are here and he said he wants to be more involved with Kate."
"That's great."
"Yeah, I think it is."
"I found the highchair, but I don't think it's suitable for Kate to sit on. How old does something have to be to have lead paint?" Luke asked from behind the curtain of the storeroom.
"Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain," Lorelai jokingly whispered to Kate. Rory's eyes widened and she grabbed a menu to duck her head behind it. Lorelai leaned in to hear what she was saying.
"Luke's coming!" she hissed.
"I believe we already established that."
"What do I say to him? I haven't seen him since Kate was born."
"And you are just thinking of this now?"
"Well, I don't know. I didn't have time to think about it before. Plus, I spent all that time preparing you for the hard part. I didn't even think about where I fit into this."
"You'll be fine," Lorelai assured her just as Luke walked through the curtain with the dilapidated highchair tucked under his arm, completely unbeknownst to Rory. Her head was still tilted and hovering close to the counter.
"Rory…hey," Luke stated rather hesitantly, setting the safety hazard against the wall. Rory was startled by his voice and before she even knew what was happening, her head got a mind of its own and slammed into the counter in scared surprise. Rory reacted quick, shooting up from the counter and rubbing the throbbing spot on her forehead. "Jeez, are you okay?" Luke asked. His expression immediately changed to worry. Lorelai was trying hard to suppress a giggle. Yes, her klutz tendencies were inherent.
"Um…me? Yeah, uh, feel good. The counter is harder than I remembered."
"You sure?" Lorelai asked, hoping Rory wouldn't give her crap about her smile later. She placed a hand on her daughter's shoulder. Kate mimicked her mother's concern, not realizing that it was forced and that she was on the border of pure laughter. Her chubby, toddler hand reached out and patted Rory's hand.
"Wowy bang," Kate announced seriously to Lorelai. She nodded. Rory continued to rub her temple. Luke still looked shocked and concerned. Out of the corner of his eye, he stared at Kate.
"Can I get you anything?" Luke asked. He found the need to keep his hands busy once again.
"It's nothing your coffee can't cure," Rory attempted to say with a laugh. Instead, her voice wavered and sounded shaky.
"Yeah, sure. I'll get it for you." Luke shot Lorelai a concerned glance before he turned away from them. She then reached past Kate for her purse. Out came the trusty miniature pharmacy. No girl should be without one. Well, that and a Tide Pen.
"Kay?" Kate asked her sister. Rory tried to shrug the entire situation off as comical, but the counter really did hurt!
"Yeah, kid. Just feeling a little clumsy today." Yeah, and she just made an ass of herself in front of Luke and her ever-mocking mother.
"Oh," Kate replied. Lorelai passed over the 'pharmacy.' She found Kate's concern adorable. Now she felt guilty for all the Three Stooges and Lucille Ball references that she planned to throw in at Rory's expense the rest of the day. Luke still hadn't said anything about Kate. Lorelai knew that her girl would get curious about the man in the room with them soon. In her head, she started to rehearse childish conversation starters that would introduce Luke. He was someone that she and Rory knew so intimately, that it was weird that her daughter had no visual connection to him. She only knew his voice. Kate would pick up on his voice soon. She was a very observant toddler.
"Hon, why don't you go check the damage in Luke's bathroom. Here, take one of these. Just not the green ones. They make me loopy." Rory took the pill box from Lorelai and made her way over to the storeroom. "Oh yeah, hold onto the railing so you don't pull a Scarlett going up the stairs."
"I will, and I'll even try to throw in a Sunset Boulavard entrance for you."
"Just be one 'Mr. DeMille' short of being psycho, kay?"
"Will do." Then Rory disappeared behind the curtain.
"Well, the bang obviously didn't hurt her bantering," Lorelai said to Kate. Luke audibly sighed with his back still to the girls.
"Think she's okay?"
"If she's making comments about a movie with William Holden, she's fine. She's just a little nervous."
"I guess I don't blame her. I didn't mean to make things so weird between us."
"Luke," she said seriously, "It was never you. Don't blame yourself for things that were always my fault." He didn't agree with her. He also didn't disagree with her. Silent Luke just poured Rory a cup of coffee. "Luke," she called to him. This was the right time to reintroduce Kate to the figure of her father. Lorelai stood and shuffled Kate to her hip, making her way behind the counter. Luke had cocked his head to the side when she called his name, but now turned his head, following her movements with his eyes. He could not look away from Kate, who was now eyeballing him suspiciously. In a few seconds, they were facing each other. He was keenly aware of what Lorelai wanted to do.
"Okay Kakers, I want you to meet someone who means a lot to Mommy. Well, he means a lot to you too. You met him before, but that was a long time ago, when you were just a tiny baby."
"Baby?" Kate questioned. Luke could sense Lorelai's nervousness. Kids shouldn't have to be introduced to their father, Luke thought. If Lorelai wasn't there and I wasn't here, maybe things would be different. I mean, I think she knows my voice, but I can't expect that of her.
"I'm not doing this right," Lorelai said more to Luke than to Kate. He felt certain boldness just then. It started in his knees, and then moved in a rush through the rest of his body. Here came the desire to take charge. He crouched down to be level with his daughter's eyes. Kate turned on Lorelai's hip to face him. She was now fascinated with this man.
"Katie," he began, using his special name for her, "You get to talk to your daddy on the phone sometimes, right?"
"Uh huh," Kate said in such a way that Luke wasn't sure if she understood or not. His short experience with toddlers had been in his diner and his weekly conversations with Kate. He felt very unprepared and inadequate with this type of situation. He looked to Lorelai for guidance. She, in turn, opened her mouth to speak.
"Honey, this is Luke, the man you talk to on the phone…your daddy. Do you remember the pictures I showed you of him?" Lorelai realized she was probably asking a lot of her daughter's still developing brain. Kate looked perplexed. It would probably be awhile before she understood the intensity of this moment.
"Oh," Kate finally said. Luke loudly let out the breath he had been holding in.
"Is that a good or bad reaction?" Luke muttered to Lorelai.
"It's how she usually responds to things. The two of you just need to spend more time together."
With that in mind, inspiration hit Lorelai. She thought of the one thing that would reassure Luke at this moment. She leaned over and whispered something into Kate's ear. She grinned, and then held her hands out to Luke to be picked up. He looked shocked, but responded quickly to his daughter's action. He leaned over and picked her up under her arms, awkwardly tucking his hand under his tush. Luke felt like such a dunce. He didn't even know the first thing about kids. The last time he held Kate she was only a few days old and needed every part of her body supported. Lorelai smiled at the way he held Kate, but he shot her a look. Kate stuck out her arm and patted Luke's stubble with her palm. That made her giggle. Then, she followed her mother's whispered directions and kissed Luke on the cheek. Lorelai witnessed Luke's face immediately soften as he wrapped his arms around Kate and kissed her forehead. He was overcome with thousands of thoughts. On the other side of the action, Lorelai knew she was never much of an emotional person. She tried to find the mockable humor in sappy situations. But, she wasn't surprised when she felt choked up. This was a stable reminder of why she was here. For Luke. She needed to give back to Luke every right he deserved as a father. He looked over at Lorelai at that moment.
"You're right," he said in a gruff whisper in Kate's curls, "I need to spend more time with her."
"On the road again…" she couldn't get Willie Nelson's voice out of her head no matter how hard she tried. She even tried a medley of "Those Lazy, Hazy, Crazy Days of Summer," and the Small World song with no success. That was one man she didn't understand. Willie was enough of the mystery with the very irritating twangy stuff he sang, but the braids? And the bandanas? Was he stuck in the sixties? Did he really have Native American blood in him? And why in the world would you give beer to horses?
These Luke-like inner rants manifested the minute she left Boston. She had gotten up early, leaving a note of gratitude to Christopher. She still wasn't up to talk to him after her argument with Luke. She just needed to be alone. Lorelai was still unsure what had been resolved after their tiff. Sure, Luke told her everything would be okay and they both agreed that they didn't want to be a part, but so many things were up in the air. There was the fact that she went to see Christopher when she knew Luke would have a problem with it. There was also the fact that she had wanted to talk to Chris about Rory before she wanted to discuss it with Luke. Then, there was the fact that Luke accused her of not trusting him. To a certain extent, she agreed with him. She hadn't trusted him enough with Rory. What had happened to her complete and utter devotion and adoration of him the night she proposed? So many things had changed in a month. Oh, and there was also the fact that she originally called Luke to tell about the pregnancy. In the midst of all Luke's accusations, she still couldn't tell him.
Lorelai was more aware of the baby now. It was that feeling you get when you realize you have something, and then feel the side-effects. Like, you don't have cramps until you realize that you are on your period. She was sure Rory would say something about the psychological aspects of this idea. Her morning sickness had a reason. She understood why she had been so emotional lately. She did want to eat more. Apples. Apples sounded very appealing to her right then. Macintosh, or Granny Smith, or Gala. Oooo, Pink Lady! She could kill for a Pink Lady apple right then.
Stars Hollow was coming up. Once she passed Hartford, the scenery was second nature. But, she really wasn't paying attention like she should. How the hell was she going to tell Luke about the baby? It didn't seem like the perfect time to present him with baby-sized Nikes or tiny flannel shirts. Things weren't exactly hunky-dory with Luke yet. But, she didn't want it to sound like she didn't want this. Lorelai did. She really did. She already felt a special bond with this baby. She wasn't lying when she told Chris that she always wanted more children. Sure, she was depressed that Rory was not around to plan the perfect way to tell Luke that he was going to be a daddy. But, she needed to tell him, perfect way or not. Well, there was always the fail-safe, stopping by the record store and buying a copy of "You're Having My Baby." There's something about Paul Anka that makes you sit up and listen.
DAMN! She nearly screeched to a halt when she realized she passed the exit. This caused the tailgater behind her to swerve to the next lane. Well, no backing up now. She would have to take the next exit. Or did she? Lorelai was now in crazy idea mode. Never a good sign. No one was there to talk her out of anything.
Lorelai needed time. She needed time to think about how things were going to work out with Luke. She needed time to think about what the baby would mean to their relationship. She needed time to sort out the Rory situation. She needed time to think about how to face her parents again without getting in a screaming match. She needed time away from the inn, and all-knowing Sookie, and concerned Luke, and the prying eyes of the town. She just needed time. She wasn't ready to face the world yet.
Am I really doing this?
At that moment, Lorelai didn't want to think about consequences. It was the immature reaction, but it's what she wanted to do. When would she get this opportunity to drive into the vast unknown once the baby was born? She felt the jeers from an unknown outside crowd. 'Hey!' she called out to them, 'Haven't you ever wanted to do something so bad that you didn't want to think about the outcome? Haven't you ever wanted to get away from everything?...Yeah, I thought so.' The next exit crept up to her. Her hands on the wheel didn't budge. Her foot didn't lean toward the break. Am I really doing this? Crazy Lorelai took over. She pressed her foot harder on the gas and sped up. She reached for the cell phone in the cup holder and turned it off. Lorelai wasn't ready to face calls yet. She was still on vacation after all.
Empty lunch plates lay in piles on the table. Kate still fingered her macaroni on the plate. Though it wasn't Luke's favorite dish to prepare, he would probably do anything for that little girl. She already had him wrapped around her finger.
"Full!" Rory groaned, head tilted back and staring at the ceiling. "I don't remember Luke's coffee, burgers, and fries being so filling."
"It's like it expanded in my stomach," Lorelai agreed with her daughter.
"Maybe your eating habits have finally caught up with you. Don't blame me if your arteries have clogged."
"Nope, I don't think that's it," Lorelai commented. Their pattern was nice. It would take a VERY long time before they could ever return to a normal friendship, but the banter was a reassuring sign.
"Could've been the thirds," Rory said absently.
"Hm, that rings a bell."
"Jeez," said Luke as he cleared the plates and refilled their coffee. "Don't pick up on their disgusting habits, Katie." The meal had changed a lot of things in a short while. Each minute that passed, Luke felt more comfortable around his daughter. He wanted this. He wanted to spend more time with her. This was a good sign.
"Alrighty, who's ready to go the park?" Lorelai stated, her fullness suddenly vacating her body.
"Kakers!" Kate said. She would sometimes call herself by her nickname.
"Rory?"
"Ugh."
"There's ice cream in store for the worthy participant."
"Then I'm game!" Rory said, jumping up fast.
"Do me a favor and don't feed Kate anymore this meal. You'll spoil her appetite," Luke said.
"How do you expect her to catch up with Gilmore greatness with that attitude?"
"I do not want her to pick up on unhealthy habits."
"Might be too late for that. Rory, take Kate over to Taylor's and I'll meet you there in a sec."
"We'll have to field town questions."
"That's why I'm making you go first." Rory scooped up Kate and headed out the door. Both girls waved at Lorelai and Luke. They were left alone again.
"Luke," she began, "I know it will take awhile for things to be normal between us, but I feel like things are already on the right path."
"I agree."
"Kate already seems to be taken with you."
"I've always been taken with her." Lorelai smiled.
"Do you want to go to the park with us? Or, we are kinda having an impromptu get-together tonight at my house. It's really an excuse to get people to unpack for me. You're welcome to come by."
"Uh, I probably shouldn't."
"I can see you're very busy." She mused, trying not to make it sound sarcastic
"I do have some things to do."
"Understandable. Well, you know where we are if you change your mind, or, you know, things suddenly get slow around here."
"Yeah, I do."
"I'll see you later?"
"Yeah," Lorelai picked up her purse and walked toward the door, "Lorelai," Luke called to her. She turned. "I'm glad you three are back…"
"Me too." The bell sounded and Lorelai met her daughters next door.
A/N: So, I guess I should mention what I have changed in these first three chapters, lol. Well, for one, I decided that all my original chapter titles sucked. I got the brilliant idea to change them all to song titles, since I got the story title from a Carole King song (I'm not as Carole King obsessed as I seem, haha). So, I was browsing my song titles from my iTunes list and wrote down all the ones that seemed to pertain to the message I was trying to get across in this story. Well, being the slow blonde that I can be sometimes, I thought, 'huh, maybe some of the lyrics of these songs I chose would mean something to Luke and Lorelai's past or present.' There you have it. My new chapter titles and quotes in the beginning.
I also changed some of the sections that I was never satisfied with, so if you have reread my changes, thanks a ton!
Thanks for reading and reviewing. I couldn't get through this story without you guys.