Regret

The explosion from the barn had knocked them all down. Dean threw himself on top of Lauren trying to shield her from the blast, but when they fell, Lauren's head had hit a rock and now she wasn't moving.

The sirens were loud now, just coming around the corner. The neighbors were gathering along the sidewalk, talking. They seemed like such a nice family. Why was she in the barn so late at night? Poor thing, this is awful. No parent should have to go through this. She was only six, had her whole life ahead of her… Sam tried desperately to block out the voices as he ran over to Dean and Lauren several feet away. Dean hovered over her, stroking her hair, pleading, "It's going to be alright, the ambulance is almost here. It's ok. Lauren, I can't lose you too. Wake up. Baby please, look at me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry…"

The rest was all ambulance rides and Sam calling Dad on the way to the hospital and explanations to Dad and Dad promising to get there, they were only a couple of hours away. Sam was glad Dean had ridden with Lauren in the ambulance. He didn't need to hear the anger and the accusations and the how could you let this happen?

Dean's going to need me. I can't let him down. Dean never needs me. I have to get this right. Sam cried for Angel there in the car. Because the world was going to be a much darker place without that little girl's smile to light it up. And he knew when they got to the hospital that he had to be strong for his brother.

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Dean was numb. He felt his body move with the shifting of the ambulance. I should call Dad. No. Sam will call Dad. And he sat there and nodded and answered questions about Lauren. How did she hit her head? On a rock when the barn blew up. Your daughter? We couldn't get her out in time. What started the fire? Oh, you see, there's this bitch demon and she slit my daughter's throat and when my brother tried to shoot her, she set the whole place on fire. Hmmm, better re-think that answer Dean. Nope, can't say that, they'll lock you up and throw away the key. My daughter's dead. Don't cry Dean. Don't cry because if you start, you'll never stop. There aren't enough tears for this. There aren't enough tears in the world.

He was on autopilot now. He followed the stretcher until the double doors closed behind it and he was allowed to go no further. Dean felt Sam's hands on his shoulders. Sam's hands guided Dean to a chair but he wouldn't sit down. Sam's hands offered him something in a cup but he wouldn't take it. Sam went to talk to the doctor. Sam came back and stood next to Dean.

"Dean," Sam's voice talked to him. "Dean?" Look at Sam. Turn your head and look at your brother. There. "The doctor said Lauren's going to be ok. They stitched her up and she's going to be ok. Physically she's fine, but she won't wake up right now." Something about this being her mind's way of dealing with things. We have to wait, but she'll be ok. "They say she just needs time." There's not enough time for this Sammy. Not enough time to process that your child was just slaughtered. Not enough time to say goodbye. Not enough time, never enough freakin' time…

"They've put her in a room. I'll take you there." Dean shook his head no. Sam looked at him curiously. "Dean, somebody has to stay with her." Dean didn't move.

"Alright, I'll go. When you're ready, it's ICU 3." Great! Same room as last time. At least I won't have to ask directions.

Sam walked to Lauren's room. He took her hand in his own and talked to her quietly. "The doctors say you're going to be okay Lauren. Dad's coming. He was with Missouri. She's really nice, you'll like her. They were on their way already for the…" Sam stopped himself short of saying "wedding." He stroked her hand softly and looked at her laying there. She looked so peaceful. "Take all the time you need. We'll be here when you're ready."

John and Missouri came into Lauren's room not long after that. John went over to Lauren's bedside. "Sam," Missouri gave him a warm hug. "I'm sorry about your niece." Sam forced a smile. She looked at him intently. "You're worried about Dean."

"He's like a robot, Missouri. He won't talk, he's just… They said somebody had to stay with Lauren so I came in here," Sam said.

"John, go be with your son," Missouri instructed.

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John found Dean two hallways over, standing in front of a window. It was raining outside. He strode over to him, ready to confront him. How the hell could you let Meg get to my granddaughter? What did you do wrong? Why didn't you protect her? What happened? What did you do?

He stopped short as he got a good look at Dean. The shoulders were slumped, the head was hanging. At 6'1", he had the stance of an eight year old boy. Dean turned and looked at him. He said nothing. His eyes said everything.

For the first time in more than two decades, John Winchester really saw his son. He was a little boy trapped in a man's body. A four year old who lost his mother to a monster. A boy who raised his brother because his father was so consumed by revenge that he couldn't do it himself. A boy who never got the chance to be a boy. A boy who deserved a better father than John Winchester. A boy who took the responsibility of the world on his shoulders and never complained about it. A boy who had grown into a man overnight. A man who missed the first five years of his daughter's life because John was a fool who thought he had all the answers. A man who was about to bury that child.

John had felt losing Mary would kill him. He looked into his son's eyes and realized that he had no clue what pain really was, but Dean did. "I'm sorry Dean." John wrapped his arms around his son and held him, gripping tighter and tighter as Dean fought him and tried to pull away, holding him until the tears came. And Dean Winchester wept.

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Missouri sat with Lauren that afternoon, telling them later that Lauren was stuck inside her own head, building a wall, preparing for what was going to assault her when she woke up and realized that this wasn't a dream. That what had happened was real and her baby was gone. "She's fragile. Be patient with her, stand by her, love her," she told them. "That's all you can do."

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Lauren woke up on her wedding day and Dean told her that Angel was gone. She wouldn't look at him. The funeral was two days later. It was a small ceremony, just family and a few friends. At graveside, Lauren kissed Angel's casket and laid a single white carnation on it. Dean watched it being lowered into the ground, looking up for a split second and seeing Lauren staring at him, her eyes full of rage and blame. When the ceremony was finished and everyone had left, Dean stayed for a few minutes, Sam next to him.

"I'm sorry Dean, I wish…"

Dean just shook his head, turning to say goodbye to Angel silently. Sam saw the expression on his face change and followed his line of eyesight to Angel's tombstone:

Angel Winchester

Beloved Daughter

Sam's face fell, "Oh God, Dean," Sam began. "Lauren told me she'd…. she had Angel's name legally changed to Winchester. She was going to surprise you with a copy of her new birth certificate with our last name and you listed as her father as a wedding gift. They must have used that information for the head stone."

Dean nodded.

"Can I do anything?" Sam looked at him.

"Lauren sure got the name right, didn't she? She was an angel," Dean's voice drifted off. Sam put his hand on his shoulder. "Just let me spend a little time alone with her?" Dean asked. Sam nodded and turned away. When he was out of sight Dean sat down in the grass, the memories coming in waves.

He remembered Friday night campouts in the living room when they would get into their sleeping bags and watch a movie. Lauren and Sam would have popcorn while Dean and Angel had Gummy Bears. And Dean would always eat too many and feel sick and Angel would poke him in the stomach with a giggle and call him Gummy Tummy.

He remembered the day the phone rang and it was the principal of Angel's school telling him to get there right away. The panic he felt that the demon had gotten to her. Walking into the principal's office to see Angel sitting there and asking her if she was ok, did someone hurt her. And the principal saying, "Not exactly; it's just the opposite actually," and telling Dean to sit. Angel's teacher had instructed the kids to draw a picture of their family. Angel had drawn herself in the middle, with Lauren holding one of her hands and Dean holding the other. One of her classmates had looked at her picture and said, "Who's that?" pointing at Dean. And Angel said, "That's my Daddy!" And the kid said, "You don't have a Daddy!" and Angel turned around and punched him in the face yelling, "I do too have a Daddy and he loves me with all his heart and if you ever talk about him like that again, I'm going to kick your ass!" Dean started to laugh and the principal shot him a look and he stifled it, promising to talk to Angel about it and that it wouldn't happen again. And he walked Angel out to the car, stopping outside the entrance to the school to talk to her about her behavior. "I'm very disappointed in you," he said. And Angel just looked at him and said, "Dad, he soooo had it coming." And Dean smiled and said, "I would have kicked his ass too," and gave her a high five before walking her back to the car to take her home. It was one of the proudest moments he'd had as a father.

He remembered how her smile would just make everything else in the world melt away and seem unimportant and he remembered the bitch who'd taken it all away. And he swore to his daughter then and there that he was going to make her proud of him every day, just like she'd made him so proud of her. And if it was the very last thing that he did, Dean was going to make Meg pay for what she'd done.

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Dean pulled the Impala into the empty driveway figuring that Sam had gone off with Dad to grab dinner or something and give him some time with Lauren. She hadn't said one word to him since she'd woken up in the hospital. He had to talk to her, had to try to get through.

He walked into the bedroom and began to empty his pants pockets and that's when something on the dresser caught his eye. In the tray that he normally set his wallet and watch was a dusty old jewelry box. The hinges creaked in time with his heart sinking as he saw the ring that he had given Lauren inside and he knew that she had walked out of his life again.

The Pawns

Dean Winchester had always had two voices in his head. One was positive and full of self-confidence. It was the voice he usually heard when he was on a hunt. It kept him from giving up when everything else had failed and it looked like he wasn't getting out of this one alive. This is the voice that turned him from man to machine and blocked out anything and everything that did not take him to his purpose.

The other voice was the voice of doubt and fear. This was the voice that Dean heard most often. It was the voice that waged wars in Dean's head whenever something went right in his life. It was the voice that told Dean that he didn't deserve to be happy and that he would spend his days alone. It was the voice that Dean had heard when he'd given Lauren his heart again. It was the voice he should have listened to, because if he'd listened to that voice, his little girl would still be alive. This was the voice that haunted him after Angel's death. It told him that it was his fault. And he believed it.

Sam and John both tried to convince him otherwise, but Dean knew if he had just walked away, things would have been ok. Angel would still be alive, Lauren would still be whole, and Dean would be off doing what he did best.

Dean was wrong. The demon had other plans for his family. And if Dean had walked away, Angel still would have died that night. Lauren may have too. But Dean didn't know that.

The demon wasn't the only general in this war. There was an opposing general. This general had bestowed certain skills on some of his soldiers and certain gifts upon others. Some of these gifts had remained masked or hidden, and could only be awakened by the events that took place the night that Angel died. This general worked in mysterious ways. Dean didn't know that. Neither did Lauren.

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Lauren woke up this night like she had every other night since she had gotten out of the hospital after Angel died, dripping with sweat and silent tears running down her cheeks. She had covered it when she was still at home, slipping out of bed before waking Dean. She wasn't even sure why she had still shared a bed with him except that Sam, John, and Missouri were there and she didn't want to make a scene. Dean would lie down with her each night and put his hand on her shoulder or stroke her hair, and she rolled away from him. They would lie there silently, back to back, bodies not touching, each alone, though inches from the one person in this world that could have helped them through the pain. This time Lauren was the one who was angry and couldn't forgive. And she hated herself for it. Because deep down, she knew it wasn't Dean's fault.

She rarely slept and when she did, this was her reward. There was no peace in sleep for her, only more pain. She lived on hate. And the hate was what got her through the lack of food and sleep.

She slipped out of bed in the cabin she had rented and padded into the living room, flipping open her laptop. The nightmares were getting worse, but they were changing slowly. The images of Angel's death were forever etched in her memory.

But now the dreams were different. There were other people, other victims, and they seemed like they should be familiar, but Lauren didn't know them. What Lauren did know what that if Dean wasn't going to make Meg pay for taking her daughter, she would do it herself.

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Dean rolled over and looked at the clock on the nightstand. 2 am. What was so special about 2 am? Why was it the same time every single night? 2 am was the exact time that Lauren woke up each night after Angel died and would quietly slip out of bed. Dean let her think that he was asleep and hadn't heard her, trying to give her whatever space he thought she needed at the time. Why didn't she know that I knew? Did she think I was really asleep and didn't feel her roll over each night, her fingertips just touching my back, starting to reach out to me before she pulled away again? Didn't she feel that connection anymore, the one that had brought them back together, the one that had reached through his chest that night in the kitchen and grabbed his heart and wouldn't let it go? How could she think he wouldn't know that she lay there awake for hours, falling asleep only long enough to have a nightmare jolt her awake gasping for air and crying?

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Dean walked out into the living room to find an anxious Sam staring at him. He had asked Dad to take Missouri home. She tried to reassure him that Lauren just needed time, but Dean knew better. She would never forgive him for getting Angel killed. He would never forgive himself.

Missouri had walked with Dean to the remnants of the stable before she left that day. There was no trace of Meg and she said Angel's spirit wasn't there. "She has a bigger purpose in the next life Dean. She knows you're strong enough to go on and do what you need to do. Your strength allowed her to move on to that purpose without regret. She knows you did your best by her." Dean looked at her in amazement because strong was the last thing that he felt right now.

"Your daughter loved you Dean. Don't listen to that voice you hear in your head; it's the devil trying to trip you up. Don't let him win. You can do this," she gripped his hand solemnly before turning to meet John at the truck.

Dean looked at Sam again now. "Help me with something?" And Sam helped him burn down what was left of the stable, because he just couldn't look at it anymore.

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Lauren did as much research as she could, trying to figure out what the nightmares meant, who these people were, and why she was having such strange feelings about them. None of it made any sense, but all of it was slowly driving her mad. She knew that she couldn't go on like this. She picked up her cell phone… 6 calls, all Dean, 6 messages, all Dean. She felt her throat tighten and the little girl inside her wanting to just bury herself in his arms and let him make her feel all better again, but no one could do that now. God Dean, you've got to let me go, I can't be what you need right now. I'm not that girl anymore and I don't think I ever will be again. She punched some numbers into her phone and pressed send. Her voice was hoarse from not being used. "Hey, it's me. Thanks. Yeah, I know. I need your help."

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Dean called his Dad but the trails of Meg and her father were cold. There was no lead on where to find them. Dad reassured Dean that he wanted them as badly as Dean did and he was doing all he can.

He was becoming more frustrated by the day. It had been weeks since she'd left. Everyone kept telling him she'll be back, she loves you, she just needs time. But Dean was beginning to think she was never coming back. His gut told him there was something very wrong and he felt like if he didn't find her soon, he would be burying her too. There was no sign of her and no one had heard from her. She'd quit her job and left no further information.

Sam came in from class one day and stood in front of Dean in the living room, looking at him, hesitating.

"What?" Dean asked.

Sam inhaled briefly, then handed Dean an envelope. "This was in the mail. I think it's from Lauren," he said. "I recognize the handwriting." Dean looked at the envelope addressed to him in Lauren's handwriting and his eyes lit up just a little. He stared at it for a long minute. "Aren't you going to open it?" Sam asked.

Finally, he did. Inside he found the deed to the house, signed over to him. He flipped the page over, and then looked in the envelope. There was no letter and no explanation.

"What is it?" Sam asked.

Dean tossed the deed to Sam as he got up and started to walk away. Sam scanned the sheet silently as Dean disappeared into the bedroom and took a shower. He came back out half an hour later, bags in hand.

"Where are you going?" Sam asked.

"To find Lauren," he answered, walking toward the front door. "Don't go anywhere!"

"How are you going to find her?" Sam asked. "There was no return address on the envelope."

"I'll find her," Dean said as he door closed behind him.

He drove all night and part of the next day, eventually pulling into an abandoned field in a small town that had seen better days. He walked quietly through a woody glen until he came out behind a small cabin that couldn't be seen from the main road.

His breath caught when he first saw her, sitting motionless on a small pier looking out at the water, not seeing anything. She was so thin and pale that he would have thought it was someone else if he hadn't seen her truck parked in front of the cabin on his way down. God Lauren, when was the last time you ate?

"I thought I'd find you here," he said so as not to startle her with his approach. She said nothing to acknowledge that she had heard him. He sat down in front of her with his back to the water. "Lauren, look at me," he said. She shifted her eyes from the water to meet his for a moment, and then looked back at the lake. She looked exhausted.

"Have you slept?" he asked, no answer being his answer. "Lauren, it's been weeks; I've been worried sick." She didn't reply. "Please talk to me. Scream at me; kick me, do something to let me know you're ok. I didn't save your life so you could just waste away like this!"

"Save my life?" she screamed and Dean was shocked at how different her voice sounded. "What life? Angel was my life Dean! God trusted me to keep her safe, to raise her to be a good person. I failed! I have no life now. You should have left me there in the stable Dean."

His heart broke at those words. "That's where I belonged, with my little girl," she continued. She stood up now, walking closer to the end of the pier and turning her back on him. He got up and stood behind her.

"She was my little girl too, Lauren. Can't you see that? Don't you know that I wish every day that it was me instead? That somehow I could change what happened? I would give anything to be able to do that…absolutely anything."

Lauren just shook her head, closing her eyes.

"Lauren, you didn't fail." She turned to face him, a look of questioning on her face. "Angel was a great person and she brought happiness to everyone in her life, every single day. I'm the one that failed," he said, his head dropping now.

Lauren was silent again for a minute. Then Dean heard her say very quietly, "You didn't fail either, Dean." She sighed deeply. "It's not your fault. My head knows you did all you could," her voice caught and she stopped herself as Dean looked at her. "But my heart…"

Dean looked closer, searching her eyes for a minute as it finally dawned on him. "You haven't cried for her yet, have you?"

"I can't Dean," she said, trying desperately to hold back. "If I cry, that means all this is real, and she's really gone."

Dean took her face in his hands, his own eyes filling with tears. "I'm sorry Lauren, but she is gone and the only way either of us is going to get through this is together. I need to share this with you, and I think if you're honest with yourself, you need me too." He pulled her to his chest as she began sobbing, and they mourned their little girl together. And in another world, one of the generals smiled.

Afterward, she pulled away from him again and he knew it was going to be a long road. They stood there in silence for a long time before Lauren turned to face him. "I need your help," she said suddenly.

"Anything," he answered.

"I need you to teach me how to do what you do, and then help me find Meg so I can take care of her myself," she said.

"No way," Dean said. "It's too dangerous. I'm not going to lose you too."

"Dean, I have to do this. I feel like I'm going insane! And I will go crazy if I'm not ridding this world of every last one of these things. I can't just sit back and let them do this to another family, another child! This is my job now. Don't ask me how I know; I just do."

"Lauren, you don't know what you're talking about. I'll handle it," Dean began.

"If you don't help me, John will," she said, hesitating, letting him think it over. "And if he refuses, then I'll do it myself. With or without help, I am going after that bitch. It's personal now!"

Dean knew the look on her face well. There was no fighting with her when she was this determined. He sighed and said, "Ok, I'll help you on one condition." She looked at him curiously.

"You need to eat," Dean said. "You're not going to be any good to anyone like you are now," She nodded reluctantly.

"Then we go after her together," he said.